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Original poster

To follow my instinct and investigate suspicions about DH

74 replies

wonderingstar01 · 30/08/2017 19:03

DH husband and I have been separated for about 3 months following a bout of very volatile arguments which resulted in me asking him to leave.

Once things calmed down, DH initiated conversations about us trying to work things out. We've struggled to communicate with each other in the past as he always deals with things in such a provocative, angry and negative way. I've dealt with it by being defensive and it hasn't been a very good combination.

I told him that something has to change in the way he behaves before I would even consider a reconciliation and suggested that if he's serious about us, he should get some help and see if a 3rd party can help him see things from a different perspective. He said he would but not surprisingly it hasn't happened. We've had maybe 6 or 7 conversations about the same thing and it seems to me he just can't take responsibility or ownership of his own behaviour.

In the past month I've noticed a shift in his commitment to trying again.

At the weekend, I couldn't reach him and he said he had dropped his phone in someone's car and they had inadvertently taken it home with him and he had to drive 90 miles to pick it up 3 days later.

He has some woman I don't recognise on his phone contacts list (I can see this through the email account he has set up against the phone).

Yesterday I deleted the contact and lo and behold the same number has re-appeared but with a male version of the same name.

When speaking to him yesterday, he said he really wants to know where he stands with me as he doesn't want to live the life he's living. I asked him what specifically he would be able to do differently in his life if we didn't get back together to which he replied "go out socially and perhaps meet someone".

All my instincts tell me he's pursuing other women. If I confronted him he'd deny it. If I put proof in front of him he'd shift blame onto me - "what do you expect me to do when I don't know where I stand with you" etc. etc.

All I ask is that he gets some professional help. I just want him to show willing. I want him to give me a sign he's prepared to fight for us. My gut tells me he wants his cake and eat it which is disappointing as if he makes all the right moves, I think we could be happy together. Or am I just fantasising about someone who wouldn't know the truth or loyalty if it bit him on the arse.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 30/08/2017 19:12

My opinion is he's already seeing other women. I think it's time for you to move on.

Gorgosparta · 30/08/2017 19:16

Are you happy playing this game?

You know everyone who is in his phone already then check his phone know there is a new contact and delete it, he puts them back, you check again, he lies, you snoop some more etc.

Sounds like he has met someone and wondering wether to pursue it.

It really sounds like one of you needs to call it quits. You sound miserable.

TidyDancer · 30/08/2017 19:26

You deleted a phone contact? Hmm

Tbh it really doesn't sound like you want to be together. You don't trust him and he doesn't seem to want to try. Not seeing much to salvage from that.

Shootfirstaskquestionslater · 30/08/2017 19:27

Think you need to both go your separate ways and if you broke up 3 months ago then you shouldn't be going through his phone contacts and deleting numbers.

LaurieFairyCake · 30/08/2017 19:27

To quote Carrie Bradshaw "It's so over we need to invent a new word for over"

Flowers he sounds a right dick tbh

StickThatInYourPipe · 30/08/2017 19:31

Why did you go through his contacts and delete someone?

God I would be so cross if my DH did that!

I think you should both just cut your losses on this one

PollyFlint · 30/08/2017 19:34

Run for the hills.

QueenOfVipers · 30/08/2017 19:36

I think it was over before it started if you had remote access to his phone TBH. It shows you didn't trust him (rightly so in this case) so I'd say it would've gone to shit anyway. Dump him, pronto

delftblue · 30/08/2017 19:36

I think if someone is really really motivated to get you back and get help....they do it.

I also think a temper is a very hard thing to fix even with counselling and you'd be better off out of it

JoJoSM2 · 30/08/2017 19:40

Don't try to play games. Just move on.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 30/08/2017 19:40

You have absolutely no right to check his phone and I'm absolutely horrified you deleted one of his contacts; that's truly awful behaviour.

He should leave you for that alone.

Kelsoooo · 30/08/2017 19:46

You went through his contact list and deleted one you didn't know?

If a man did that he'd be called controlling.

That's so far out of line ....

Your relationship is over.

Goingtobeawesome · 30/08/2017 19:47

How can you think he's serious about making it work with you if he's already considered meeting someone else shagged someone else?

Miserylovescompany2 · 30/08/2017 19:52

There is no trust - so what can you salvage if the most basic of foundations isn't present? His words are empty!

He is NEVER going to be the man you want him to be. By the sound of things he's already edging his bets..

AyUpMiDuck · 30/08/2017 19:52

It has run it's course....

VimFuego101 · 30/08/2017 19:59

He's shown you that he isn't interested enough in reconciling to see a counselor as you requested. He just wants you to be the one to call it quits so he doesn't have to be the bad guy.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 30/08/2017 20:01

Sadly, I agree, accept its over, and move on.

WhoreOfBabyliss · 30/08/2017 20:09

Tell him it's over and then move on massively. He's not going to change. He will probably go from relationship to relationship but in the meantime work on yourself and get to a point where you could not give a tinkers rap one way or the other.

PoorYorick · 30/08/2017 20:11

I think what's most insulting about this is that he thinks you're stupid. You've obviously deleted the contact and he's added it under the male version of the name and thinks that'll fox you. For that alone, I'd dump him. I wouldn't give the time of day to a man who insulted my intelligence like that.

TrailingWife · 30/08/2017 20:12

Why would you want him back? This is your chance to be free of him.

You might read, "Why Does He Do That" to better understand your marriage and to help you sort through men when you start dating again.

You guys need to change how things like cell phones are set up. You and your husband separated 3 months ago. It's time to cut the cord and move on with your lives.

He isn't going to change, and you don't want to live with him the way he is.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 30/08/2017 20:15

Have you rung the number? I would.

I'd just talk to him. Ask him why he hasn't got the help he said he would. Ask him what he really wants. Tell him you're done waiting for him to sort his shit out & if he'd rather not do that & just 'move on' then there's nothing to discuss.

hellejuice91 · 30/08/2017 20:20

Whatever his situation with other women you have no right to go through his phone contacts and delete one. The pure and simple fact you are doing this proves you should not be together.

ilovesooty · 30/08/2017 20:21

I reckon you've crossed a line in looking through his contacts and deleting one of them. The relationship seems dead in the water to me.

OnionKnight · 30/08/2017 20:24

Whatever his situation with other women you have no right to go through his phone contacts and delete one. The pure and simple fact you are doing this proves you should not be together.

Agreed.

supersop60 · 30/08/2017 20:25

sooty - And has he crossed a line in pretending he wants to work on the relationship, whilst obviously seeing another woman?
OP, move on - you are wasting your precious time and energy on something which is over.

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