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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To follow my instinct and investigate suspicions about DH

74 replies

wonderingstar01 · 30/08/2017 19:03

DH husband and I have been separated for about 3 months following a bout of very volatile arguments which resulted in me asking him to leave.

Once things calmed down, DH initiated conversations about us trying to work things out. We've struggled to communicate with each other in the past as he always deals with things in such a provocative, angry and negative way. I've dealt with it by being defensive and it hasn't been a very good combination.

I told him that something has to change in the way he behaves before I would even consider a reconciliation and suggested that if he's serious about us, he should get some help and see if a 3rd party can help him see things from a different perspective. He said he would but not surprisingly it hasn't happened. We've had maybe 6 or 7 conversations about the same thing and it seems to me he just can't take responsibility or ownership of his own behaviour.

In the past month I've noticed a shift in his commitment to trying again.

At the weekend, I couldn't reach him and he said he had dropped his phone in someone's car and they had inadvertently taken it home with him and he had to drive 90 miles to pick it up 3 days later.

He has some woman I don't recognise on his phone contacts list (I can see this through the email account he has set up against the phone).

Yesterday I deleted the contact and lo and behold the same number has re-appeared but with a male version of the same name.

When speaking to him yesterday, he said he really wants to know where he stands with me as he doesn't want to live the life he's living. I asked him what specifically he would be able to do differently in his life if we didn't get back together to which he replied "go out socially and perhaps meet someone".

All my instincts tell me he's pursuing other women. If I confronted him he'd deny it. If I put proof in front of him he'd shift blame onto me - "what do you expect me to do when I don't know where I stand with you" etc. etc.

All I ask is that he gets some professional help. I just want him to show willing. I want him to give me a sign he's prepared to fight for us. My gut tells me he wants his cake and eat it which is disappointing as if he makes all the right moves, I think we could be happy together. Or am I just fantasising about someone who wouldn't know the truth or loyalty if it bit him on the arse.

OP posts:

ShitOrBust · 30/08/2017 20:25

Mother of god - talk about flogging a dead horse. Move on OP, please.

supersop60 · 30/08/2017 20:27

Op to answer your question - YABU to want to investigate at this stage. You would not have BU if you had still been together.

DrHorribletookmycherry · 30/08/2017 20:28

He's looking to see if you're still his fallback fuck (sorry to be crude but it looks like that).
Plus, please find a relationship where you don't have to act as low and controlling. Respect and affection cannot exsist without trust. You despise the man it would seem.
Run.

Pallisers · 30/08/2017 20:29

why bother? relationships are supposed to be nice and not involve this amount of dreary suspicion.

Of course he is going to want to go out socially and meet someone if you two aren't together. Eventually you will probably want the same.

This one is dead in the water - you are already separated. Just keep going before you end up really hating each other.

MudCity · 30/08/2017 20:29

Your post makes you sound like the 'parent' in this relationship!

You have indicated that you have struggled with communicating for some time so perhaps you can both go for relationship counselling together. From that it will be clear whether he needs to get help of his own, whether you both do or whether you are better off going your separate ways. Although it may feel that he is to blame for the breakdown in your relationship, developing skills in two-way communication is going to be crucial here and that requires a commitment from both of you.

notanotherNC · 30/08/2017 20:41

It has been over for ages. He is moving on, but trying to keep his options open. Do you have kids together? If not, this is your chance for a totally clean break. Fuck him off and be happy. If you have kids, well, you will need to talk and come to arrangements obviously.

Gorgosparta · 30/08/2017 21:03

And has he crossed a line in pretending he wants to work on the relationship, whilst obviously seeing another woman?

Of course he has. But that doesnt mean what the Op did is ok as well. Two wrongs and all that.

What they both did proved the relationship has no future.

BoneyBackJefferson · 30/08/2017 21:07

The trust is gone. might as well end it.

c3pu · 30/08/2017 21:10

This relationship has clearly run its course. Sounds like it would be best for all concerned if it were to end.

midnightmisssuki · 30/08/2017 21:13

What you did was wrong OP - end of. You should not have deleted the number. It sounds like you're playing games with him - obviously asking him what he would be able to do differently if you were not together was some sort of 'trick' to get to to say he would meet someone else etc etc - you already sort of knew that though right - you suspected it.

I think you don't trust him and the relationship seems dead in the water - sorry about that OP, but i think its time to move on. Good luck.

scrabbler3 · 30/08/2017 22:17

There is too much that is wrong. It's time to end it for good. Sorry OP.

Original poster

wonderingstar01 · 31/08/2017 01:50

We agreed two months ago that we would remain as a couple but live apart and try to work on our differences and communication issues. We were still making decisions together, planning to spend a little time together, just trying to be as normal a couple as possible while we worked through our problems.

I did offer to go to couples counselling with him once he gets the ball rolling but feel his behaviour issues and our relationship issues, whilst connected, are really two individual things.

That - to me anyway - was a sign that we still have a marriage commitment to each other so it's definitely not a licence to go off searching for some replacement and put them in the wings just in case. That would be the last thing on my mind. It's not like he's a boy, he's well beyond middle age with issues I suspect would prevent him having any meaningful physical relationship. Oh, btw, that's my fault too.

He wants the best of both worlds. You're right in that he'll go from relationship to relationship, each time acting out the same issues with the same outcome and it will always be the other person's fault.

Nobody is going to convince me that investigating my instincts is wrong. He puts himself on such a moral high ground, suggesting I'm already dating other people which he thinks is "disgusting" when I'm doing no such thing.

I deleted the contact specifically to see if it was added again. That's all. It's not a heinous crime. Nobody died. He preaches the fact to anyone who will listen that he is above any other living being when it comes to morals, telling the truth, fidelity etc. Plenty people believe him as he has the charm of the gods. I suppose all I wanted to do was show him up as the person he really is and stick two fingers up at him before walking away.

OP posts:

Pallisers · 31/08/2017 02:10

Look I'm sure he is as annoying as hell. But the truth is he wasn't unfaithful to you. you are split. He contacted another woman - may not have had any other contact with her. That is ok if you are split.

You can't possibly want to settle down forever in a loving relationship with a man whom you want to give 2 fingers to because he isn't moral and show him up as the person he is - that isn't someone whom you love - that is someone you despise. Move on. You will be glad you did.

Original poster

wonderingstar01 · 31/08/2017 02:17

But the truth is he wasn't unfaithful to you. you are split. He contacted another woman - may not have had any other contact with her. That is ok if you are split.

I didn't think of it like that as in my mind, we're living apart but certainly not split. What kind of man goes along with the discussed notion that we're trying to work through things but at the same time, keep his options open? He's already made it very clear to me that if I were to pursue any other relationship then he would lose all respect for me and walk away. Double-standards.

OP posts:

ReanimatedSGB · 31/08/2017 02:25

Call a halt, walk away, move on. He's almost certainly abusive; you are jealous, suspicious and controlling. One or both of you might be able to have a healthy relationship in the future, but together you are toxic.

ShellyBoobs · 31/08/2017 02:28

I can't believe so many people on MN condone spying on partners; reading their emails; checking their phones; etc.

Thread after thread...

If it wasn't over before spying it certainly is as soon as that starts, whether or not the other party has done anything wrong. If you've got to that point then move on. There's no trust.

Windytwigs · 31/08/2017 02:51

He's already made it very clear to me that if I were to pursue any other relationship then he would lose all respect for me and walk away. Double-standards.

You've got your answer right there OP. He feels that he can see other ppl while supposedly working on your relationship, knowing it's wrong because he wouldn't want you to do the same. Cut him off, he's not got any intention of having a trustworthy relationship with you alone in the future, based on this deceitful behaviour.

Original poster

wonderingstar01 · 31/08/2017 03:22

I can't believe so many people on MN condone spying on partners; reading their emails; checking their phones; etc.

And I can't believe that if someone's partner gave them an indication they were being unfaithful, or planning to be unfaithful, that you wouldn't do what you had to do to investigate it. You don't have to be naturally suspicious, jealous or controlling to want to know if you're being taken for a fool.

Making suspicion, jealousy and control part and parcel of your entire relationship is of course wrong and toxic. It would never enter my head to spy on anyone, look at their emails or anything else under normal circumstances.

OP posts:

Cherylvole · 31/08/2017 03:30

No one moves out to move back in. You're being played

Gorgosparta · 31/08/2017 05:37

I deleted the contact specifically to see if it was added again. That's all. It's not a heinous crime. Nobody died

No one said it was heinous. And you could apply the 'no one died' logic to him. Yes he might of cheated by no one died. Its not really a decent benchmark.

What comes through from your posts is that you loathe him. Regardless of anything else, this shows the marriage is over.

No need ro go further snooping. Its done. If you need to snoop on him, he shouldnt be moving back in.

newdaylight · 31/08/2017 06:15

Nobody is going to convince me that investigating my instincts is wrong
Ok.
So why post to ask for peoples opinion.

For what it's worth it seems this relationship is over. He's asking where he stands. Finishing it now is likely to result in a lot less pain than 'investigating' him then finishing it after

Howlongtilldinner · 31/08/2017 06:16

OP you are assuming he's contacted another woman, purely by seeing a number/name on his phone. You need to have it confirmed that this is the case.

I do not blame you for what you did, I'd have done the same if I were suspicious. That said, once trust is broken, you will be forever on your guard, and quite possibly 'snooping'. Very difficult indeed to get trust back.

I wish you all the best OP

rizlett · 31/08/2017 06:30

Thing is op - often when our 'mate' brings OW into the equation we start to feel he actually might be worth having. We don't realise this OW doesn't have any standards either. [and will also put up with poor behaviour once the love bomb he catches us with tails off]

He doesnt want to have his cake and eat it but he doesnt want to earn the cake either. Get back together if you want more of the same old same old. Let him go with a huge sigh of relief if you want to love and respect yourself. Then stop accessing his phone. You don't need to make this any more painful than it is.

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/08/2017 06:33

Actions speak louder than words. He's saying he wants to be with you. But he's not prepared to do any of the leg work. He's telling you he wants to see other people if you don't want to get back together. You are at stalemate. He doesn't want to make any changes and you don't want him back unless he does. Personally it sounds as though this relationship is going nowhere and you'd be much happier making this a permanent split.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 31/08/2017 06:56

If he's so awful (and your posts really don't paint him in a great light), why do you want him back?

Is it 'I don't want him, but I don't want anyone else to have him either'?

You talk as if deleting the contact was your natural right. It's the sort of thing I'd do in my 12yo's phone (with previous warning) if he had a really, really unsuitable friend. Doing it to another adult is really, really .

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