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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To follow my instinct and investigate suspicions about DH

74 replies

wonderingstar01 · 30/08/2017 19:03

DH husband and I have been separated for about 3 months following a bout of very volatile arguments which resulted in me asking him to leave.

Once things calmed down, DH initiated conversations about us trying to work things out. We've struggled to communicate with each other in the past as he always deals with things in such a provocative, angry and negative way. I've dealt with it by being defensive and it hasn't been a very good combination.

I told him that something has to change in the way he behaves before I would even consider a reconciliation and suggested that if he's serious about us, he should get some help and see if a 3rd party can help him see things from a different perspective. He said he would but not surprisingly it hasn't happened. We've had maybe 6 or 7 conversations about the same thing and it seems to me he just can't take responsibility or ownership of his own behaviour.

In the past month I've noticed a shift in his commitment to trying again.

At the weekend, I couldn't reach him and he said he had dropped his phone in someone's car and they had inadvertently taken it home with him and he had to drive 90 miles to pick it up 3 days later.

He has some woman I don't recognise on his phone contacts list (I can see this through the email account he has set up against the phone).

Yesterday I deleted the contact and lo and behold the same number has re-appeared but with a male version of the same name.

When speaking to him yesterday, he said he really wants to know where he stands with me as he doesn't want to live the life he's living. I asked him what specifically he would be able to do differently in his life if we didn't get back together to which he replied "go out socially and perhaps meet someone".

All my instincts tell me he's pursuing other women. If I confronted him he'd deny it. If I put proof in front of him he'd shift blame onto me - "what do you expect me to do when I don't know where I stand with you" etc. etc.

All I ask is that he gets some professional help. I just want him to show willing. I want him to give me a sign he's prepared to fight for us. My gut tells me he wants his cake and eat it which is disappointing as if he makes all the right moves, I think we could be happy together. Or am I just fantasising about someone who wouldn't know the truth or loyalty if it bit him on the arse.

OP posts:

PyongyangKipperbang · 31/08/2017 11:20

I can't believe so many people on MN condone spying on partners; reading their emails; checking their phones; etc.

Then you have never been awake at 4am, knowing to your very core that you are being cheated on but having no proof, having them lie to your face whenever you ask them......it really is crazy making. My mental health genuinely suffered before I found proof by checking his phone and FB, I honestly thought that I was losing my mind. Was he telling the truth and I was paranoid and jealous or was he really cheating? It was a horrible horrible time. As awful as it was to find out that he was cheating it was also such a relief to know that I wasnt delusional or imaging things.

But hey, I should have just respected his privacy, right? Because thats the most important thing

When you first lived apart OP he wanted you to STFU and just have him back. When the promises with no follow through didnt work at getting you back in your box he just looked elsewhere and it may well not be the first time.

Notevilstepmother · 31/08/2017 11:25

Why do you want him back? Why are you wasting your time on him?

Time to move on.

ShellyBoobs · 31/08/2017 11:30

But hey, I should have just respected his privacy, right? Because thats the most important thing hmm

But that's nothing like what I said, is it.

Once you're at the point of spying on each other, it's over. Regardless of whether the spying reveals anything incriminating or not.

That's the point.

So don't spy. Just end it.

PickAChew · 31/08/2017 11:37

I think you've confirmed that the time to walk away is now. You don't write with much love and respect for him, it doesn't sound like he loves and respects you and it appears that he is already working on moving on.

Walking away with as much dignity as you can muster would be the healthiest for both of you.

Bluntness100 · 31/08/2017 11:39

aibu To follow my instinct and investigate suspicions about DH
Nobody is going to convince me that investigating my instincts is wrong

What's the point of this thread then? Why did you ask? You're treating us like your treating your husband, it's all about you and you don't want to listen to anyone else.

You want him to do certain things he's not willing to do. You'll keep it going till he does, but are now pissed he might have met someone else and your plan isn't working and will back fire on you.

Make a decision, either way, because if you don't, he will.

dolcezza99 · 31/08/2017 11:39

You've already split up and he's seeing other people, which, given you're no longer together, he has every right to do. What "relationship", therefore? You don't have one. And what you did with his phone was awful. You asked him to leave - it's none of your business who he's seeing.

BeepBeepMOVE · 31/08/2017 11:42

You deleted someone off of his phone contacts?!

Controlling nut job.

PatriciaHolm · 31/08/2017 11:56

Everything you write about him is negative. You don't even seem to like him much.

You say you want him to make an effort. Well, it would seem he doesn't want to, and you can't make him.

How many more signs do you need that it's over?

PyongyangKipperbang · 31/08/2017 11:58

She asked him to move out while he sought help with their/his issues which he agreed to, The OP has already made it clear that theyy were living apart but stll together, so they had not split up at all.

So don't spy. Just end it.

Choosing to end a marriage is a big thing, many people need to know that they did the right thing by having proof. Otherwise you will always have that nagging doubt that maybe you were wrong, and its easier to deal with a lying ex who is trying to play the victim when you can say "He was seeing an OW for 6 months, thats why I left him". If you love someone then its hard to just end things on a hunch, you dont want it to be true so checking up can be as much about wanting to prove yourself wrong as it is about catching them out. Don judge until you have been there.

VeryCunningStunt · 31/08/2017 12:53

Nobody is going to convince me that investigating my instincts is wrong

In that case there wasn't a lot of point in starting a thread to ask "AIBU To follow my instinct and investigate suspicions about DH"

dolcezza99 · 31/08/2017 13:08

Well no, she asked him to leave but decided they were still a couple. Does he get a say in any of this? I'm not surprised he's seeing someone else! She doesn't want him, but doesn't want him to be free to see anyone else either. Poor bloke.

PyongyangKipperbang · 31/08/2017 16:38

Poor Bloke?! FFS

From the OP "We agreed two months ago that we would remain as a couple but live apart and try to work on our differences and communication issues. We were still making decisions together, planning to spend a little time together, just trying to be as normal a couple as possible while we worked through our problems."

WhoreOfBabyliss · 31/08/2017 19:01

I don't think the OP has done anything wrong. Maybe some people don't have that tingly spidey sense that others have. If my gut feeling kicked off I would snoop to know what is actually happening in my own life! With my ex, after the dust settled and we were able to speak to each other in a normal voice, I was able to tell him which day of which week he started seeing the OW. He had lied and lied and lied but I knew. Snooping is not worse than lying.

PyongyangKipperbang · 01/09/2017 02:55

"If my gut feeling kicked off I would snoop to know what is actually happening in my own life!"

Thats the key thing that I think a lot of non snoopers/"once the trust is gone the marriage is over so just leave" lot dont seem to get. Its not about finding out what he might be doing for himself, but finding out what he might be doing to my life, my marriage, my family, my security, my home, my future...... A man who has found anoher woman is not going be thinking about the ex and the kids during a divorce, so it is important to know exactly what we are facing before we do end the marriage.

UsedToBeAPaxmanFan · 01/09/2017 03:54

YABU. It's one thing to be wary if you think he's being unfaithful, it's another completely to go through his phone contact ts snd delete one.

You sound very controlling OP.

SonicBoomBoom · 01/09/2017 04:07

Once you're at the point of spying on each other, it's over. Regardless of whether the spying reveals anything incriminating or not.

No, at the point where one person has an OW/OM, the relationship is over, the cheater just hasn't bothered to tell his wife (or H) yet.

PyongyangKipperbang · 01/09/2017 04:18

Being a cheated on spouse is very much like being a parent. We all know how to do it properly until it happens to us. This thread proves that.

SpareASquare · 01/09/2017 05:16

Nobody is going to convince me that investigating my instincts is wrong

So what, exactly, is the point of this thread?

OP, you don't even sound as though you like him. Seems more like a case of if he's seeing someone else, he may stop begging you to come back.

LaughingElliot · 01/09/2017 05:30

I am not getting the vibe that there's any love to hold onto. I think you both sound angry and resentful, and that in all likelihood things will get worse if you don't step away now. Let him go. There's no trust, no respect, but you still have your own lives. Better to invest in yourselves than flog the dead relationship.

Bluntness100 · 01/09/2017 06:22

He may have met someone he is interested in, he may have spent time with them, but there is nothing to say he's involved with anyone else or has actually cheated.

She wants him to seek proffessional help, which he doesn't want to do, that's his right. Who's to say his behavuour is thr problem other than the op? He may feel it's her behaviour. She admits it's faults on both sides but doesn't seem too keen to get help herself. The blame seems laid squarely at his door. No suggestion of couples counciling, it's all on him.

Deleting a new contact because of no other reason than it was a female is crazy controlling. Monitoring his contacts to the extent you recognise numbers is mad. It's also totally pointless.

If the op wants her marriage to work, I suggest she meets him half way, suggests couples councilling together, and stops making the guy swivel. It sounds like he is checking out and has had enough.

dolcezza99 · 01/09/2017 07:17

No, at the point where one person has an OW/OM, the relationship is over, the cheater just hasn't bothered to tell his wife (or H) yet.

Except she asked him to leave and they're separated. He isn't cheating. He's moving on.

Windytwigs · 01/09/2017 08:29

He's been clear and honest with her to make a decision as he'd like to move on either way, he may be interested in starting another relationship if the one with the op continues as is. In fact that's basically what he has told her. He doesn't want this to continue, that's fair, the op doesn't get to call all the shots.
But it's not clear and honest to start a relationship with someone else when your wife thinks you're both working on your relationship. That's where OP (rightly so) sees the problem, as far as I understood it.

HiJenny35 · 01/09/2017 08:46

Op I'm not sure why people are saying you weren't together so it wasn't cheating, you've clearly said that you are married, not currently divorcing and have decided to try a councillor to make it work, that is together! Just because you aren't living in the same house. I've never heard anything so ridiculous, what about people in relationships before the live together, doesn't mean it's ok to cheat. My husband and I lived separately when I had depression years ago and needed some time alone, certainly didn't mean he could cheat. It's not ok what he is possibly doing. If you feel you need to be sure and think he might charm his way out of it then investigate in order to settle you mind. Going on his phone list wasn't great and you obviously already had doubts but hey we all do things we regret at some point. I think it probably is over but maybe you aren't ready to say that yet. Good luck op.

BoneyBackJefferson · 01/09/2017 08:46

SonicBoomBoom

No, at the point where one person has an OW/OM, the relationship is over, the cheater just hasn't bothered to tell his wife (or H) yet.

So the person being spied on doesn't get the choice?

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