To think my OH is doing too much with a newborn...

[PoppyH56]

We are expecting our first baby in the next few weeks or so and before this lead very active social lives. I am happy with cutting this down as I am so excited to just spend time with my LO all the time it doesn't phase me the activities I'm no longer atending. My OH however has bought a football season ticket for the next year (games vary once a week between Saturday daytimes and weekday evenings), he still plays in his Saturday league football team which takes up around 4 hours on a Saturday afternoon, a golfing hobby which is usually played bright and early on either a Saturday/Sunday morning and he is also part of a golf team who once a month play a large golf course with prizes on either a Saturday/Sunday for a whole day (8 - 8 scenario). He will also have training for both the golf and the football on two seperate weeknights for a few hours straight from work. AIBU to suggest to him that with a newborn and also working a full time sales job with which means he leaves the house at 7 and doesn't get in until 7.30/8 most evenings means that the baby and I really won't be taking priority over his busy social calendar? I have asked many times when he thinks the baby and I will be able to fit into this non stop schedule for at least 1 full day a week together as well as helping with our child (especially if I want to indulge in my own social events - which will be rare) and he says he's not sure and to play it by ear. AIBU? Am I best to just wait until baby's here?

Sounds like too much to me.

There will be a lot of extra housework and laundry to do too, in some ways caring for the baby is the easy bit.
When he gets in from work you will need a break from your day.

It may be worth talking now, but it's hard to understand ( for any of us) what life with a new baby will be like.
If he refuses to budge then don't do any stuff for him- no cooking no laundry etc. You will have too much on your plate.

For most women motherhood brings about massive life changes.

Unfortunately for many men it does not.

A sad fact of life.

well isn't he embracing the whole concept of family?

Are you always a poor second place to what he wants to do?

Did he want a baby?

That is ridiculously busy but he may have booked it all in the spirit of optimism that his life won't change after the baby. When the baby arrives, chances are, he is a decent human being and will becoming a good father so he will see the need to dramatically scale back all this. Most people have unrealistic expectations of parenthood and most people adjust.

Crikey! That is a lot!

He's living in la la land. Or deliberately booking all his time away from home. He needs to learn to time manage better at and away from work.

Yes it's too much, but being pregnant is part of the preparation for adjusting your life OH hasn't had that yet. You've told him your thoughts and let him know you need him to have nothing booked for the first 4 weeks at least then play it by ear. Having a baby is a huge adjustment which can be very difficult to appreciate pre baby

He's clearly not grasped just how much a newborn impacts life. He'll be knackered too as his sleep will be disrupted so his energy to do all these things will be affected and that's before the emotional affect and responsibility kicks in. He doesn't get it but I hope for your sake reality hits! All you can do is prepare him as best you can. Good luck x

Don't tell him to give stuff up now - he will always resent you for it.

Wait until the baby is here and chances are he will see what needs to change and things will change organically as he realises he needs to be home more and just starts knocking things on the head.

If he doesn't, the. Have the conversation. But give the bloke a chance first. He probably (like most people) doesn't realise what a big change it will be, but also needs to make sure he still gets some downtime to do what he wants every now and then and that you don't become one of those couple who give up everything and only live for their kids.

Same obviously applies to you.

@StatueInTheSky no, as I see him every evening and every weekend which is a lot more than most people so I count myself lucky as I know a few couples who only see each other once a week/fortnight so I know he does make the time for me. We have just moved in together so apart from work and social activities, he is with me.

@welshweasel yes, our baby was very much wanted.

@Booboostwo that's what I'm hoping! That maybe he just doesn't realise how much time and effort a baby will take up and will come to his senses. He isn't adamantly refusing to drop any of this, and I haven't said to him that he can't do everything he does as I don't want to come across as controlling but I think maybe he needs a few weeks to see it's impossible then will realise (I hope anyway!)

Get a big calendar. Most of the football fixtures, golf tournaments etc will be scheduled well in advance. Use one colour to block out your OH activities, one colour to block out activity time for you (him in charge of baby time), one colour as family time.

Ideally the three colours end up somewhere reasonably balanced, over time, but writing it all out on a calendar does demonstrate the balance.

Start as you mean to go on. Block time out for you (and do things), don't be a martyr. He needs time just him and baby to learn how to cope and to appreciate that when you have a day at home with baby its not like a days holiday swanning around doing what you want.

So when does he intend to bond with his new baby? Does he think he can play it by ear and somehow magically sense from the golf course when the baby needs a new nappy?

@RippleEffects I like this idea! Off to buy a big calendar now online for the kitchen

He's not sure and he'll play it by ear? If your baby is due in a few weeks he's had, what, seven or eight months to think about this? He's clearly happy with you doing absolutely everything. If he won't pull his weight he'll need to pay someone to do his share - cleaner, dry cleaners for ironing, babysitter when you want to go out.

I think that the mother becomes a parent quicker than the father. It takes a few weeks or months for the father to 'get it' and then they realise that life has changed completely and the amount of time they spend socialising just isn't as important. Normal mothers/fathers change with it, those who don't just don't I'm afraid. My DP still has hobbies & a social life but it's less than it was. Me too.

A childless friend commented recently that they find it weird that when friends have kids and that becomes their priority over everything else. I thought that was naive and wouldn't it be a bit odd if the child wasn't the priority? DPs DF never took that much interest in his children and now they are NC. That doesn't mean that parents can't have a life outside of family or work, just that if there is something family orientated which needs doing (from in law visiting, to parents evening to doctors appointments) then that comes first. It has to.

Playing it by ear is all well and good but his commitments are already booked in, do you just have to fit around them?

Of course he has too much on.

He probably need to book all/some of it at the start of the autumn in order to make any of it happen at all.

The newborn phase is only a very short time. Yes he will need to step up during it, but that does not mean that he should lose touch with all his activities nor set his admin as if he was going to.

You sound rather more pessimistic about the early days. Because what you are describing is your DH giving you exactly the same priority as now. Have you been unhappy for a while?

If so, it needs addressing. But not because of the baby.

Getting in at 7.30/8pm will be an ideal time for him to bathe the baby and do playtime/snuggles for an hour before a feed and bed so he can do that every night.

And yy to the calendar.

There are two possibilities here:

1. either he will simply carry on with his busy schedule *because you will pick up the slack, and the only difference he will notice is that you suddenly seem to have gone all naggy and miserable (but he may well blame baby hormones for that)

or

2. he will pull himself together and see himself as 50% responsible for the welfare of this tiny new creature

3. can come about in two ways:

a) either he will pull himself together out of his own sense of responsibility and love for the baby

or

b) you will have to deliberately plan for regular sessions where you are out of the house and he is solely responsible for the baby staying alive

I'd aim at 2 b) if I were you, unless he is utterly and totally irresponsible.

The problem with a calendar is that it assumes that you will just be happy to look after the baby when these commitments are on. What about your life?

Whatever you do don't fall into the trap of doing everything while he swans off. When you can leave the baby with him (depending on how you intend on feeding) and make sure you keep up your friendships and hobbies. Don't become the default parent.

Ps the calendar thing works. When we started doing this DP realised that he couldn't book out Saturday, Sunday, and two evenings a week with a baby and a tired partner.

Perhaps, since he's clearly feeling so optimistic and confident about his time management, create a list of baby-related tasks for him. Ask him to sit down with it and consider how often he expects to do each of these tasks on any given day. Put in everything, the playing/snuggling stuff, as well as chores. Make him write down (or circle) his expectations (number of times, or number of minutes) of what he's looking forward to doing. Keep things positive.

You can feel free to do the maths for him, or you can just ignore his other schedules completely when the time comes and smilingly assume his word counts and remind him. Whether he's being a sweet deluded optimist, or a misoginist who's taking the piss is irrelevant. Either way he's got his facts wrong, and you can both look back and laugh in future years that he thought the odd load of laundry was all it takes with a newborn.

And since he's got his schedule, and you'll have your new one with the baby, his laundering of his own sports gear and special meals will have to fit in with household needs won't it?

Apparently he gets the idea of 'working as a team', just not at home yet!

He either needs a major reality check as he genuinely doesn't know what will be involved in having a baby or he is deliberately opting out already. You would be amazed at the number of men I know who suddenly started a fitness regime after work when they had a baby ie gym or cycling when they had never been interested before.

My exh couldn't fit us in around his hobbies and interests and his family were last on the list from the early days sadly. Looking back I should have been more adamant that he pulled his weight. On the other hand, we might have split earlier than we did.

You will find out soon enough what kind of man he is.

Either he'll have a complete change of perspective when the baby arrives and look back and laugh at his plans, or you're in for a pretty rough time as he sees the baby as your leisure activity while his footie and golf are his leisure activities. The calendar sounds a brilliant idea, if he's willing to actually have the conversation with you at a serious level.