To think my OH is doing too much with a newborn...

[PoppyH56]

We are expecting our first baby in the next few weeks or so and before this lead very active social lives. I am happy with cutting this down as I am so excited to just spend time with my LO all the time it doesn't phase me the activities I'm no longer atending. My OH however has bought a football season ticket for the next year (games vary once a week between Saturday daytimes and weekday evenings), he still plays in his Saturday league football team which takes up around 4 hours on a Saturday afternoon, a golfing hobby which is usually played bright and early on either a Saturday/Sunday morning and he is also part of a golf team who once a month play a large golf course with prizes on either a Saturday/Sunday for a whole day (8 - 8 scenario). He will also have training for both the golf and the football on two seperate weeknights for a few hours straight from work. AIBU to suggest to him that with a newborn and also working a full time sales job with which means he leaves the house at 7 and doesn't get in until 7.30/8 most evenings means that the baby and I really won't be taking priority over his busy social calendar? I have asked many times when he thinks the baby and I will be able to fit into this non stop schedule for at least 1 full day a week together as well as helping with our child (especially if I want to indulge in my own social events - which will be rare) and he says he's not sure and to play it by ear. AIBU? Am I best to just wait until baby's here?

Sounds like your life is about to change massively and his won't at all. If you feel like you need him to be around more once the baby is here then put your foot down. Don't be a smiling martyr. He wanted this baby so his life needs to change too.

I think he will want to see his baby! I'd leave it alone and see how it pans out.. He may realise himself that he is missing out and wants to spend more time with the baby

Don't cause any waves yet,,,

Cunning plan... Your DH seems to jump into things with both feet, so when baby arrived, you do the OMG your such an amazing dad, the baby knows when your home... ect.
After a week that poor papa will be so besot, he's gone drop things to be with the new hobby in his life...

I think from responses a lot of this is seeing how the first few weeks go and having him realise just how much his life is going to change in his own eyes. I think it's fair to say, a woman becomes a parent when she becomes pregnant but a man doesn't become a parent until after the baby is born. So whilst I, as a woman who has carried a baby for 9 months and has read all the books compared to my OH, a man who hasn't carried the baby and has been able to continue with his social calendar since the start of the year doesn't see how much difference it's going to make until our screaming, crying, nappy-needing-changing baby is in his arms. I do honestly think he will step up, as for the last few weeks of my pregnancy he has been great in not attending as he would normally to be with me in case our baby drops so I think it may sink in once our LO is here. I'm very happy with him (contrary to what some of the comments say) I just wanted to ensure I wasn't being unfair in thinking this was a lot to do over the course of a week! But then we have always had very busy, non stop lives so I wasn't sure.

It really is like a bomb dropping in the house when a baby arrives. I so underestimated the impact a baby would have, I envisioned me and DD sat all snug all day watching crappy daytime tv snoozing together with the odd pop here and there but holy hell!!! I don't think I had time to shit until she was about 3 months and any spare time you have you are sterilising, washing clothes, changing nappies, crying on the floor eating Frosties.
And that was with DP at home every spare minute.
It's the little things like finding time to feed yourself, one of you prepping tea etc.

He is in for a shock.

I don't see how the people expecting he will see things differently when the baby is here are thinking this will happen?
If he is basically out of the house all day every day then he will have absolutely no clue what it is like.
Being out off the house most evenings means he won't see that either.
And I'll bet that as he has so little time "at home" he won't be planning to walk through the door and take over baby duties.
I'd prepare yourself OP as if he doesn't change his current plans and opinions then you will just be a single mother with a lodger, with a baby all day and night while your other half is out having fun.
Obviously it won't kill you, and if you're happy to do all of the childcare and have no social life for a while/years while he carries on as normal that's fine.
One thing you could suggest to try and get him to understand is to sit down and plan to have a nanny to care for your baby during all his activities so that you too can carry on as normal. Working out her hours and the cost may make him see how much time he is choosing to spend apart from his family and that there is actually going to be a tiny person who needs full time care.
Good luck OP and congratulations.

My advice is to try and negotiate all this before the baby if not very soon after. I'm just about the start marriage counselling because of huge resentments that have built up with my dh basically carrying his life on like he did before we had a child, it can be really damaging. You're right, life and priorities do and should change when you start a family and it should be the case for both of you or before you know it, you're the default parent doing everything and they're just the highlights parent, there for the odd fun trip to the park etc... it will have your blood boiling within months!

It definitely sounds like he will be doing too much. We've all heard of the sacrifices you need to make for your children and unfortunately this starts as soon as they're born.

Life with a newborn is crazy and chaotic, even if you have an 'easy' baby. It's really difficult to explain to anyone just how much things change until they've been through it. Those early weeks are brilliant, terrifying and utterly exhausting. You will need the support of your OH, without a doubt.

I don't think it's unreasonable for him to do something once a week, everybody needs a break. However, you should get equal 'break time'.

I think it's time for you to have a frank and firm discussion, as, if this isn't sorted by the time baby arrives I think it's safe to say shit will hit the fan. I'd maybe explain to him that you never signed up to be a single mother, this is a joint journey you need to take together. Otherwise if he isn't willing to do that, he might as well go now. It really is that simple I think.

Good luck OP and congratulations on your baby!

I don't think anything can prepare you for the life changes when you have children. I know I optimistically thought I'd be able to much more than I am and have really struggled with loosing my sense of self in the early days.

I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and see how he adjusts after baby is here. He may have no idea of how tied he'll be or may be trying to hold on to the last vestiges of his pre-baby self, or he may think he can continue to do as he pleases in which case there's a hard conversation to be had about what you need from him.

Perhaps just make it clear that the two weeks or whatever of paternity time he takes needs a clear schedule. Once he is bathing baby and part of bedtime routines, he most likely will want to keep that up.

Some great responses, thank you. I'm going to sit down and chat with him tonight and get my expectations in early and let him be responsible for making his own decisions in the first few weeks. He is an adult and should make the right choices. I don't for one second think he would pick a football match over his child, I just think he's being a bit naive to think his life will carry on the same as before but again, I can't prove this until our LO has arrived so it's just about proving a point but not proving it too hard before the baby is here and in our arms. Fine lines and all that!

I second the calendar idea. Becoming a parent doesn't mean you have to give up everything

This is not ganna end well!
Need to nip that in the bud asap

this is a family not something to fit in to calendar like a tast chore or hobbie.he should want to be there for both you and newborn.
you will need support more too.emotionally it is a upheave at time or simply just having a little ones emotions on top of our own can be a big hurdle or change to get used to.i was shocked at how much it took out of me.i was both tired yet on top of the world.exhausted yet thinking of her all the time.needing to do this and that yet needing to help be there for her.wanting to be with her all the time yet wanting to escape.
it does change things.it doesn't have to be in anyway unpleasant but if you left on your own with this it can be hard.
u need to adapt and grow together in this from the start.

Also, don't fall into the trap of doing all the wife work for him, like remembering his mother's birthday or putting away his laundry.

What are his plans for the first 4 - 6 weeks? When is he taking his paternity leave and for how many weeks? While he is on paternity leave it's no harm if he has his weekend activities, because equally you will be able to get blocks of time to yourself (if only to sleep!) because he will be at home with you and the baby.

When he goes back to work, the weekend activities (to my mind) need to stop for a few weeks completely. You can't be alone with the baby all day during the week and then all weekend as well because he has football - that is not on at all, and he doesn't "need" it - by that logic, you have been with the baby all week - you equally "need" all day Saturday and Sunday off out with your friends and activities - have you booked all that in for the coming year and does he feel that would also be perfectly reasonable to play by ear?

Do the calendar but do make sure your "activity" time is evenly divided and that you get time for your activities and socialising too.

It's difficult.
We should all have happy, independent lives, regardless of children, and for him that is doing his stuff.
For you, it is nesting and nurturing.
You get your enjoyment in different ways.
I'm sure he'll change when baby is born. He'll do a little less, but you will be unreasonable if you think it will all stop

I found it when no help or bitterness or being left out or alone that the changes arnet coped with.if from the off you gradually get that routine and find what works its so helpful and so much more rewarding and u don't lose your sense of self as much because its eased into more naturally and helpfully and if anything more happily.
having a family isn't a life sentence but its silly and thoughtless to think onthing has to change or baby isn't coming first now

I would definitely have the conversation NOW. For the first 6 months of DSs life I literally stood by the front door at 6pm waiting to pass him over to DP when he came in, I found it so overwhelming. If he's out all the time he won't get a realistic picture of what looking after a new born is like. If you're not bfing, get him to look after your baby for a full day by himself asap- only then will be understand what it's like and will hopefully then offer you the support you need.

My god, that's way too much. Do any of his golf/football pals have kids yet?

My husband used to play football on a saturday (5 hours all in with travel) and occasional golf on a sunday. He's never had a season ticket (thankfully!). This was before kids.

He works full time so if he carried on doing that he would have hardly seen his kids!

So he dropped saturday football (plays once a week on a monday evening instead) and plays golf probably a couple of times a year! I have equal time away doing my own thing too.

But honestly, with two kids and two working parents, weekend time all together is really important.

You catch more flys with sugar than vinegar......
When you demand people get upset. telling him he is going to be a great dad and what would he like to do, does he want this, that or the other, means he think he picked things to do.
When in fact your the one in charge of making him help.
Tell him he can plan and do the shopping online, and other things.

You sound rather more pessimistic about the early days. Because what you are describing is your DH giving you exactly the same priority as now. Have you been unhappy for a while?

No, what she's described is her DH giving her and the baby the same priority that he has been giving her. If you think him spending time with the baby is part of him prioritising the OP, then that's the same sexist bullshit some posters fear the DH's commitment to his hobbies reflects.

He is in for one major shock! Wait to see how he gets on during paternity leave. He will need to realize that his priority will be the baby. If he isn't taking care of it , he will be shopping, cleaning or doing the laundry. Hobbies don't feature with a new baby.

Make sure that when life settles down a little that you will also be having time for hobbies, seeing friends etc and that he probably will need to cancel the majority of his hobbies to concentrate on family life.