To think my OH is doing too much with a newborn...

[PoppyH56]

We are expecting our first baby in the next few weeks or so and before this lead very active social lives. I am happy with cutting this down as I am so excited to just spend time with my LO all the time it doesn't phase me the activities I'm no longer atending. My OH however has bought a football season ticket for the next year (games vary once a week between Saturday daytimes and weekday evenings), he still plays in his Saturday league football team which takes up around 4 hours on a Saturday afternoon, a golfing hobby which is usually played bright and early on either a Saturday/Sunday morning and he is also part of a golf team who once a month play a large golf course with prizes on either a Saturday/Sunday for a whole day (8 - 8 scenario). He will also have training for both the golf and the football on two seperate weeknights for a few hours straight from work. AIBU to suggest to him that with a newborn and also working a full time sales job with which means he leaves the house at 7 and doesn't get in until 7.30/8 most evenings means that the baby and I really won't be taking priority over his busy social calendar? I have asked many times when he thinks the baby and I will be able to fit into this non stop schedule for at least 1 full day a week together as well as helping with our child (especially if I want to indulge in my own social events - which will be rare) and he says he's not sure and to play it by ear. AIBU? Am I best to just wait until baby's here?

I don't think you need to demand things, but you do need him to realise that paternity leave is about being a parent and supporting you as is the time after.

You have to be a team when it comes to parenting. Else you'll be one of those many women who comes to post on here in 6 months to a years time saying how your DH only sees having the baby as 'helping' and how you're left at home whilst he continues going out as if nothing has changed and he can't have the baby on his own because he's never looked after it by himself. It happens.

'Playing it by ear'? Fuck that. His hobbies should be played by ear. Not his wife and child, and I would be concerned why you both aren't top of the list instead of an option after golf and football.

My DH gyms twice a week, does his hobby one night a week as well as some weekends and booked a two week volunteering holiday when LO was 10 weeks old. Safe to say, I was pissed off. . However, as LO got older, it has got easier

Not sure if my OP was confusing for some, but the "playing it by ear" is for his hobbies, I.e as in he is going to see what he can/can't do once baby is here. I have no doubt in my mind that baby and I are first priority. I'm just conscious of the fact he's not really aware of how much he's really going to give up, that's all. I'm a very empathic character and would hate for him to give up everything he loves doing even though I know he will without so much as of the bat of an eyelid. We've had a discussion at length on his lunch break and he's being completely understanding of the whole thing. He's on paternity leave for 2 weeks and has already informed his golf/football lot he won't be there for those 2 weeks. I'm sure we will both have to make sacrifices but he's very well aware I want to continue with some aspects of my social calendar also so we are going to fully compromise. Let's hope he sticks to his word. I don't see why he wouldn't! Thank you for all your responses.

two weeks? It took us about two months each time to really shake down and reach a new normal. At two weeks we were both still walking around like zombies and I would have been very tearful and resentful if DH had gone off to footie.

@buttfacedmiscreant the two weeks of paternity are a definite. I'm not saying he's going to have two weeks and jump straight back into all his activities. If he says to me once he's back to work he'd like to play in a football match on a Saturday afternoon one week, but will not be attending all of the other events and does he mind then no of course I will not mind. We have to have a healthy balance as I've said many times over. I am sure both of us will make the right decisions as he has stepped up massively in every other respect so really don't see this being a problem. My OP was me asking if I should speak to him now or when baby's here but we have spoken and he is now aware.

It sounds like he is not planning on doing any parenting or housework.

Why hasn't he asked you to marry him?

@KimmySchmidt1 very invasive and insensitive question, wouldn't you think? Also would be none of your business.

and he says he's not sure and to play it by ear. AIBU? Am I best to just wait until baby's here?

is he having a laugh .. YANBU ..I think he sounds a bit selfish ..

I wish you all the best OP because I think you're going to need it. Both with your DP and your expectations for what your life will be like after having a baby

I'm now happy with my decisions after speaking with OH so won't be reverting back to this thread (especially as it seems some people don't read back through comments). Thanks for all of you who gave lovely replies!

His job may take him out of the house for 12 hours but for the next 3-5 years (IMO) YOU WILL BE WORKING HARDER THAN HIM.

Therefore all you will get done during the day is childcare.
Start as you mean to go on. Laundry, cleaning, cooking, ironing, gardening, DIY etc will be shared equally between you.

And fair amounts of social life/ sport/ time away from baby needs to be equally divided as well as finding some time for you all to bond as a family.

(I didn't mean for this to sound daunting. Cut corners and lower your standards. Your house does not need to be immaculate) 💐

PS with all those commitments he is def not going to be pulling his weight at home.

He does ALL of the chores bar washing at the moment even with his social calendar so there's no problem there. Don't just assume what you don't know.

I think the marriage question is pertinent if you are planning to be a SAHM or go back to work part time. You have far fewer rights as a cohabitee than as a spouse.

You don't have to answer on the thread but so make sure you are clued up.

From the conversations in my due date group over the last few months since our DC arrived, trust me when I say that nothing breeds resentment more than him swanning off to do sports and socialise like nothing is changed when you spend 24 hours a day in charge of a tiny and entirely dependent human being after having being through a huge physical ordeal or even major surgery. He needs to give his head a wobble, the sooner the better.

I don't imagine for a single minute he intends to do 50% of anything once the baby arrives.

He will carry on with his job, and his hobbies and all the rest of it will fall to you, since you will be at home.
Good luck OP

👍 great! I didn't assume anything actually.

He needs to finish work and come home to do his bit.

He will carry on with his job,

I always find it interesting on these threads how some people view 'work' and 'hobbies' as basically the same thing.

OP some of us read your posts

That sounds much better than what we thought you meant in original post.
To be fair you didn't say he shared loads of housework.

Glad you are both happy and he is putting you and baby first

kimmy
What a strange post.

What on earth has it got to do with you whether they are married or not it's not compulsory to get married you know.

I have to disagree with the PP who said that 7.30 will be a good time for him to get home - I had a very 'easy' baby who slept well and fed well but I was still counting down the minutes until DH got home every evening at about 5.30. Not just because I was tired and wanted help, but also because I wanted adult company and was desperate to share all of the 'amazing' things his PFB had achieved during the day!

You know your partner best and can judge how best to play this but, worst case scenario, if he does continue to go out this much you are likely to grow to resent it and this will put a strain on your relationship.

Good luck with your baby.

At the beginning my partner was a bit crap. I started using the language of 'I'm looking after your child so you can....' - seemed to sort of bring it home that she wasn't just mine. It took him until I went back to work to really start pulling his weight though and from about a year old it really was equal childcare. If anything during the week now, it's him doing more than me just because that's how our jobs work. She still shouts for me at night though, and if he goes it's pointless and just ramps up the yelling, so I figure it's still working out equal!

I think he doesn't realise you both are about to add a fulltime job to your lives.
Which you will need to share equally. Him more than you in the beginning as you will probably be recovering from giving birth (and doing nights breastfeeding).
Be mindful that you don't take up all the responsibilities while on maternity leave which will make you 'an expert' around your baby real soon and leaving him on the sideline.
He can't expect you to care for your baby alone all that time he's away for his hobbies imho.

Time he grew up! I would soon put a stop to all this self indulgence and make sure he pulls his weight around your baby and home.

OP has clarified he would play it by ear regarding the sports as in if it's possible he will go to footie occaisionaly.
OP has also said he is currently doing most of housework for her anyway so she has no qualms about him helping when baby is here.