Long...drawn out...sorry. Ready for a flaming.

[AllRoadsLeadBackToRadley]

Long, with a fair bit of backstory. If I miss anything out, please ask- I'm trying to avoid writing war and peace!

I'm NC with most of my siblings, regular contact with one, and infrequent contact with the youngest- for the purpose of this thread, I'll call her Kate.

Backstory: we were taken into care when I was a teen. Kate, who was four at the time, was adopted out quite quickly. I had no contact until she was 17, when we enrolled at the same college- can you believe that?

LOTS of drama. After the high of finding my sister agsin after so long, she began to stir shit between me and just about everyone. If she wasn't the focus of my attention, she made sure she was- think pretending to faint when I dared tell her to hang on while I changed DD. She'd demand that DH picked her up when she'd gone on a night out because she "couldn't be arsed to walk home". If I was unavailable at any time, she'd pull the "never there" card. (Apparantly it was my fault we all went into care- three of my sisters believe this, I've heard it for years, and it fucking stings! If they knew what I'd tried to do to protect them from what was going on!!!) The "Neclver There" card is particularly relevant here...

I limited contact. It was all messing with my head. We're friends on facebook, but haven't actually had any direct contact for a year.

Until today. She posted on my timeline, asking me to text her, as she had something urgent to ask me.

I texted her, and she's asked me to have her two kids for a week, in a month's rime, while she goes into hospital. (C section- I didn't even know she was pregnant agsin. That's the level of contact we have.)

I've had to say no! And this is the point of my AIBU. Apparantly, I'm once again proving that I'm Never There, I'm a hard faced cunt, etc, etc.

The reasons I've given:

*We live in a tiny apartment. We are on the list to move, but right now, my DC share a room, and it's cramped enough as it is.

*I've had to do the bare minimum of work over the last few weeks, because of the holidays. I'll be scheduling fart breaks on the week the DC go back to school.

*I've never even met her kids! (4 and 18m). Surely it wouldn't be fair on them to go and stay with a complete stranger for a week?

Fuck a moose, do I feel guilty!! She says they'll hqve to go into respite care if I can't have them, and it'll be the second lot of kids I've put into care!

I'm ready to be told I'm a stone cold bitch now. You lot can't hurt me as much as hearing it the first time did...

So, am I?

And, if I am, is there a solution I'm not seeing re; the practicalities of it all?

You're not a bitch and you're not being unreasonable as you don't know her kids, a week is a long time and you already know that she is (sadly) toxic. She's obviously got problems but just popping up after a year without contact and expecting a big favour is not on, nor are her comments about putting a second lot of children in care. I suspect whatever you do or don't do, you'll be at fault in her eyes. Stick to your boundaries.

You are not BU. It doesn't sound like you had the easiest time growing up either, and you are well within your rights to do what you need to to protect yourself, your kids and your life.

The care system (and of course, often, whatever caused a need for SS involvement) can really mess up siblings' relationships. Lots of guilt, anger, blame. Do you think therapy might help?

Shoutout I've accepted that the relationships are never going to be "right". I had no choice but to move on- it was that or sink.

You are absolutely NOT being a bitch or unreasonable. Keep your sister at arm's length. She's toxic and her problems are not your problems.

It sounds like she's got firm for this behaviour with other people off she hasn't got any friends that she can ask who know her kids.

Oh of course. I meant that therapy - for you, alone - could help you to feel more secure in your boundaries. It has helped me in my life greatly.

I don't think there's any right way to feel about someone who you share a traumatic history with. I've seen siblings from abusive homes act as triggers of trauma for each other for most of their lives, yet they still keep trying to have a relationship because it's what they 'should' do, despite it being destructive, toxic and unhealthy for everyone around them.

Society tells us that you always need to be there for your family, should forgive them anything etc, but it's just not that simple for people who didn't grow up in an emotionally healthy environment.

DoJo I agree - she's probably alienated too many other friends/ run out of favours to call in. The only way to cope with this type of person is to be very firm and keep them at arm's length. No matter what happens, they are the victim.

The abuse must be tough to take OP.

She's got form for trying to fuck up other people's plans.

Another example; on my other DS's wedding day (the one I'm in regular contact with) she trigger warning she went to the loo, came back in the middle of the speeches, and claimed that she'd lost her baby. (Sorry if this offends). She admitted later that she'd faked it to teach her bf a lesson...who does that?????

Sometimes, the only choice you have left is to keep plunging in to an utterly unsustainable situation with no happy ending ever... or to recognise that a futile self sacrifice accomplishes nothing for anyone, and turn any inner resources you have left into saving the only person you can, yourself.

And to make it ultra clear, I'm talking about you now, as an adult, not you as a teen.

It's not selfish and it's not comparable to yours and your siblings sad upbringing.

Fudgeit I'm ok- I really am. This place is an outlet for me to rant/scream/cry at 12am 😁😁

and talk about PLL

Jesus OP. The ruining other people's moment thing is classic too, that's a particularly grim example though. She's never pretended to have cancer has she by any chance?

Not as I know of.

See, I sound really judgemental, don't I? I mean, I know there's a reason why people lie about massive things...but it leaves me cold!

Bloody hell what a mess, OP, and NONE of it is your fault or your responsibility to sort out. Whatever happened to cause you and your siblings to be put in the care system is down to the adults in your life at that time and your now adult sibling's current difficulties are down to her no matter how heavy the guilt trip she tries to lay on you. Even if your sister hadn't been so horrible to you in the past to the point you owe her nothing, you are clearly in no position to take on the burden of two additional small children, especially ones you have never met and YANBU to refuse to have them.

Well I know- I heare EXACTLY what you're saying. The fact that I cut her off is the cause of my doubt now, if that makes sense? I was wondering if I was too wuick to say no because of the reluctance to have her in my life?

Me too, I have a sister like this. And I know she's messed up, and she has her reasons but after a while the sympathy just wears out especially when there's hostility being constantly thrown in your direction!

Think your both being way too hard on each other, I have two sisters & a brother & my brother is especially hard bloody work to say the least a lot like your sister, but I ask myself if me & my sisters don't help him who else will.... Family should always support each other where they can & I try my best to be there to help all my siblings with they individual problems/troubles despite my opinions/issues with each of them at the time losing our father last November just made me feel even stronger about being thete for them when they need me, I'm not saying you should just do everything she asks you too but clearly she's in a horrible position right now & could do with some support & peoples help,
I can understand the no contact thing too if its always such a drama with her & that's what you decided but maybe you just shouldn't of replied to her,
answering her with a no was always going to cause a drama wasn't it, no contact means just that no contact so if its really what you rather do then you need to stick to it & be clear with her too,
As for sister yes I think she's being harsh on you too the way she keeps throwing the past in your face & asking u to watch her children for a week after all this time but maybe she really doesn't have anyone else to ask, its a hard one op but you got to do whatever feels right to you & whatever you decide don't bite or take to heart anything she got to say about past etc sounds like she knows it bothers u & uses it to make u feel bad

If you did have the children to stay, you'd be laying yourself open to further drama if she then fabricates something about your care of them. Be careful

You're not cold or in any way to blame for any of this. It's just so sad for all of you that you had to endure such awful upbringings.

Keep hanging onto what you know to be true - your partner, your children, your work - and keep your sister at arm's length. As hurtful as her behaviour is, do not be manipulated into playing her games.

YANBU

Leaky thank you!

DH has just pointed out that it would be me being "lumbered" in the day too. His worry is because my two, and other kids who I have regular contact with, know not to leave things lying around where I can trip over them, not to move/play wirh the rubber bands all over my toiletries, etc, etc. A month is not long enough for us to get used to each other!

He's the practical one. I was the one drawing diagrams earlier, involving blow up beds, "just in case" 😁😁😁

Makes thank you for the different opinion. There are practical issues too- it's not just a case of not wanting to. The reason I told the backstory was a) to try to explain how I was feeling (guilt etc) and b) so that her reaction would make sense.

Family should always support each other where they can & I try my best to be there to help all my siblings with they individual problems/troubles despite my opinions/issues with each of them at the time

Why, though? Imagine if it was the OP's partner who kept emotionally abusing her, ruining special times in her life and calling her disgusting names? Would you tell her she should always support him, because that's what partners do? That they have a special bond and that excuses abuse, so she should just go back for more? I don't understand this outlook at all.

You don't owe anyone a relationship if it's an emotionally unhealthy one, surely.

Sorry- trying to reply to everyone! I've mislaid my headphones, so I'm unable to switch my talkness on...I'm having to read the bloody thing myself, and it's taking me forever!

You don't sound judgemental in the slightest OP. It would appear she is living on a different planet. She sounds utterly toxic. Yanbu unreasonable to not have her children. You also WNBA to block her totally now.

Can I just ask...where is the father of said c- section child? Is he not able to look after other children. Also as per previous form suggests she makes things up .....how sure are you she's pregnant and not going away somewhere?
I'd personally not feel guilty about refusing help. Like others have said you won't be able yo do right for wrong. She must have other closer people to help and if not that would send warning signals to me.
Just keep a safe distance.