Long...drawn out...sorry. Ready for a flaming.

[AllRoadsLeadBackToRadley]

Long, with a fair bit of backstory. If I miss anything out, please ask- I'm trying to avoid writing war and peace!

I'm NC with most of my siblings, regular contact with one, and infrequent contact with the youngest- for the purpose of this thread, I'll call her Kate.

Backstory: we were taken into care when I was a teen. Kate, who was four at the time, was adopted out quite quickly. I had no contact until she was 17, when we enrolled at the same college- can you believe that?

LOTS of drama. After the high of finding my sister agsin after so long, she began to stir shit between me and just about everyone. If she wasn't the focus of my attention, she made sure she was- think pretending to faint when I dared tell her to hang on while I changed DD. She'd demand that DH picked her up when she'd gone on a night out because she "couldn't be arsed to walk home". If I was unavailable at any time, she'd pull the "never there" card. (Apparantly it was my fault we all went into care- three of my sisters believe this, I've heard it for years, and it fucking stings! If they knew what I'd tried to do to protect them from what was going on!!!) The "Neclver There" card is particularly relevant here...

I limited contact. It was all messing with my head. We're friends on facebook, but haven't actually had any direct contact for a year.

Until today. She posted on my timeline, asking me to text her, as she had something urgent to ask me.

I texted her, and she's asked me to have her two kids for a week, in a month's rime, while she goes into hospital. (C section- I didn't even know she was pregnant agsin. That's the level of contact we have.)

I've had to say no! And this is the point of my AIBU. Apparantly, I'm once again proving that I'm Never There, I'm a hard faced cunt, etc, etc.

The reasons I've given:

*We live in a tiny apartment. We are on the list to move, but right now, my DC share a room, and it's cramped enough as it is.

*I've had to do the bare minimum of work over the last few weeks, because of the holidays. I'll be scheduling fart breaks on the week the DC go back to school.

*I've never even met her kids! (4 and 18m). Surely it wouldn't be fair on them to go and stay with a complete stranger for a week?

Fuck a moose, do I feel guilty!! She says they'll hqve to go into respite care if I can't have them, and it'll be the second lot of kids I've put into care!

I'm ready to be told I'm a stone cold bitch now. You lot can't hurt me as much as hearing it the first time did...

So, am I?

And, if I am, is there a solution I'm not seeing re; the practicalities of it all?

makesmiling To be fair your family situation sounds very different to the Ops. People say things like "family should always support each other" as though it's just that simple but it's not. Sometimes the guilt and obligation that goes along with that sentiment causes people to put themselves under massive strain, damaging their own mental or physical health.

Op it must be horrible to be in this situation, you've tried to have a relationship with your sister but it's harder when you haven't had the years of shared experiences other siblings do. TBH I don't think maintaining contact with her sounds healthy for you.

Lou I can't believe you posted that...

Because I had the same suspicions!! So did my other DS! I just didn't dare post it!

All she'll say about the father is that she "can't rely on him".

AllRoadsLeadBackToRadley really, really sorry to hear this. Our son joined our family by adoption. I learnt a bit about what can happen to lead kids into care and it is all very, very awful. We also learnt a bit about 'trauma bonds' as in the fact that children are sometimes adopted separately because being together with siblings can be, 'toxic' for want of a better word.

Whatever happened when you were children it is not your fault at all. As LeakyLittleBoat says, none of what happened in the past is your fault.

Please prioritize your own family, your own situation and your own mental health and stay away from your toxic sister.

The fact she is trying to pile guilt onto you in this way is totally not acceptable.

The fact she has no back up for the C-section is worrying.

What would happen if something major happened at another time in life, if she or one of the kids were ill? I would look after a friend's children in such circumstances. Because I would know the friend, and the kids. This suggests your sister has no friends to turn to. What about the children's father? What about her adoptive parents?

Ironically, when we adopted we had to prove we had back up, we had to have individuals who could help and support us if needed. I do think all parents should have this, and they should be people who see you and the kids regularly so the kids will be able to be in the friends company with fewer issues than staying with a virtual stranger.

Maybe this will be the situation that will make her wake up and realize she has isolated herself.

How she gets out of this situation may help her to grow up.

But most of all I hope you will finally free yourself from guilt that does not belong to you. None of this is your fault.

IMHO, you could just tell her you are not able to help her and you are not able to be around her if she keeps being horrible to you. You don't need to formally go no contact you can just ensure you do not interact with her beyond the minimum.

all the best, you deserve better than this.

From what I can gather, she is NC with her adoptive parents too.

Makesmilingyourbesthobby "Family should always support each other where they can & I try my best to be there to help ..."

If the relationship, in the long run, is positive and life giving for you, this is fabulous. You can even manage a small amout of shit relationship stuff if in the long run family bring good things into your life, IMHO.

However, if the long term mass impact of family in your life is to make it worse, to suck your joy and spit it out, to make things harder and to blame you too, then no, I don't think it is right.

Maybe OP's sister "...could do with some support & peoples help..." but I think she needs to find someone new to provide it. The OP no longer needs to be her whipping boy/girl/horse or whatever the phrase is.

So again you can offer help to siblings etc but when contact with that siblings comes with massive amounts of verbal and emotional and mental abuse, then no, no one is required to put themselves through that.

I would say the only people we really owe loyalty to is our own children, who are not adults, and as much as possible we need to do all we can for them. But even our own children could make our lives a misery and eventually, we do get to chose that adults in our lives who hurt us do not get the right to continue to hurt us, even if we share their DNA or have brought them up, IMHO.

answering her with a no was always going to cause a drama wasn't it, no contact means just that no contact so if its really what you rather do then you need to stick to it & be clear with her too,
As for sister yes I think she's being harsh on you too the way she keeps throwing the past in your face & asking u to watch her children for a week after all this time but maybe she really doesn't have anyone else to ask, its a hard one op but you got to do whatever feels right to you & whatever you decide don't bite or take to heart anything she got to say about past etc sounds like she knows it bothers u & uses it to make u feel bad

AllRoadsLeadBackToRadley I guessed that.

She needs some heavy duty counselling care but it is not your problem.

rad theres simply no room gor 2 kids you dont know in your flat in a months time when you have school to deal with by then. How are you all meant to get about? Your car fits 5 at a push if someone can squeeze between the two car seats in the back. Your house is laid out in certain ways due to medical need. Its just not bloody practical.

Plus your sisters just a complete bitch who only ever wants anything to do with you when she either wants something or wants an emotional punchbag. She never expected you to have the kids she just wanted another reason to vlame you and take out her frustrations on you and she knows you wouldnt of responded to her usual crap.

Do not cave.

Or i will come over there and i will get your dh and all your friends to hold a damned intervention which will be particularly tricky as im in wales atm.

Morning mrs! 😁

Nope- DEFINITELY not caving.

I'm also telling myself (like I need another reason not to) that I'd be letting my two down by forcing them into that much chaos! Chaos is ok for a night (remember pizza and youtube karaoke? 😁😁😁) but a week? Hell no!

Oh, I'm not arse-licking Pretend btw...she's one of my bffs in RL. 😀

So she's the one getting pregnant despite failing to take care of the two children she already has and you are the reason they are going into care?

Ttbb the "care" thing was, I believe, a way to get at me- ie, "care is the only option if you can't have them" sort of thing.

I was in the care system for as long as I remember- but I know SO little about it! Would she even be able to put the DC into respite if she had no support? Genuine question...

I think to access respite care, the kids would need to already have a social worker in place?

Where are her kid's dad or grandparents that they can't look after them?

She needs a week off for c section? (Lol! I was in 48 hours...) And then what about all the other things she'll find hard after baby is born, that she needs you to have her DC again for? What if she's so ill afterwards a week goes into 3 weeks or more.
Don't make a rod for your own back. You describe a very manipulative dishonest person, so I'd stay well clear if i were you. Particularly, as she's emotionally abusive to you (Did i read that right, that she calls you a c*nt if you don't agree to her unreasonable demands?!)

Don't let her have any 'in' to your, DH's or DC's lives to create more damage. Seriously, even if you looked after her DC for a week (please don't, it's not practical & her DC don't know you), imagine the lies she could tell later about you or DH.... if you later upset her by saying No to something else. You could find your whole lives turned upside down.

YANBU given your circumstances but please don't be too hard on your sister. If she was adopted at 4, she almost certainly has some (possibly major) attachment issues, and what you are describing fits that perfectly. You were older (going by the fact you said you tried to protect them) which means you probably understood what was happening much more than she did. It would have been traumatic for all of you, but imagine someone turning up on your doorstep today and telling you to pack your bags they've found you a new family, new husband and kids to take care of, and they can't wait to meet you and you will love them so much! But you cant ever see your current family again. Your sister lives in a world where that is possible. So building lasting attachments will be difficult for her because she will always be aware that what she has can be taken away in the blink of an eye. I'm not saying that for you and your other siblings it was easier, but foster care and adoption are two very different things.

Don't know what to recommend in this situation but just something to think about.

OP, have you had counselling? At 17 you weren't much more than a child yourself. You are not responsible for your sister's going into care.

Were they adopted to families? I doubt you were at that age. I think you might need some counselling to help with misplaced guilt and responsibility - probably the result of having been forced to take on an adult role far too young.

@AllRoadsLeadBackToRadley
No, she can't just put her DC "into care" for the week out of the blue,
CSD don't run a hotel for kids service. She'd have to refer herself to CSD (if not already known) as unable to cope and with zero support. She won't do that lightly. It's most probably a threat to use against you.
(There's usually someone,... a neighbour, playgroup mum friend etc .. that'd step in in an emergency. She could even pay a childminder.. And her DCs have a Dad /family on his side too..)

So she got herself into this situation and she wants u to dig her out!

Where is the father to her eldest two children? Can't he/they help out here? And why does it need to be a week? I was able to leave hospital the day after mynsecrions but my children both had jaundice and I have strange blood so the babies needed to stay in to be monitored but without that I'd have gone home within a day or two with both children

If she doesn't have support if the father(s) why the fuck have another child then give you the grief of being her babysitter whenever she feels she wants to pull out the sister / it's your fault card?!

She sure must have other options?

Also she's grown up now perhaps you should write her a letter explaining the role you had in the abuse you suffered at home, I can't imagine what happened to you all but from a few words you've written I'm assuming perhaps the worst and you were the main receiver, protecting your siblings - perhaps it's time she/they knew more about what happened - if it's thrown back in your face I'd be inclined to go to mediation or just NC
Good luck

Some people on here are being extremely judgemental. It is no uncommon for a child in care to grow up and repeat patterns of negative behaviour - that includes having children when you can't really support them. This is not her sister just being irresponsible and childish it is real long-term psychological damage.

This is very true, but does not mean that the OP, has to carry the can.
This is a tough situation, but there is also the chance that a week, may well turn into much longer. I feel for you, it's tough.💐

I'd also be wary of doing it once as she will expect you to have them all the time from the sounds of it.

Oops I should clarify, I'm not saying that it is the OPs responsibility at all and I think that she is right to refuse. But just offering a possible explanation as to why her sister is acting the way she is and it's not necessarily because she's a bad persin.

YNBU OP. Keeping it rational: you don't know her kids, they don't you or your family and your flat just isn't big enough for kids.

That's without taking any of the other manipulation /possible lying into consideration.

The 1 week duration to me doesn't sound right for a c-section and sounds more like a holiday to me. Why hasn't she already planned something? She's known she's pregnant for a while I'm guessing.

She has run out of friends, that is why she has contacted you.

Do not feel guilty, none of this is your fault.

This is the best opportunity to cut her from your life completely.

What does she bring to your life? Probably stress, drama and guilt. You can live without that.

If she is having a planned C-section then asking Children's services to look after her other two would be a voluntary arrangement or your sisters part.

Foster carers would be sort out and in an ideal world the children and your sister would have an opportunity to meet them first. That said if she leaves things until the day of the C-section for example, then an emergency placement would be sort with no guarantee of the siblings being together.

Surely her midwife knows there is no support system in place? This in itself should of flagged your sister.

I'm sure section 17 is short stay respite and section 20 is voluntary care.

Your sister doesn't sound in a good place - you can't fix this - you'd damage yourself if you even tried