Long...drawn out...sorry. Ready for a flaming.

[AllRoadsLeadBackToRadley]

Long, with a fair bit of backstory. If I miss anything out, please ask- I'm trying to avoid writing war and peace!

I'm NC with most of my siblings, regular contact with one, and infrequent contact with the youngest- for the purpose of this thread, I'll call her Kate.

Backstory: we were taken into care when I was a teen. Kate, who was four at the time, was adopted out quite quickly. I had no contact until she was 17, when we enrolled at the same college- can you believe that?

LOTS of drama. After the high of finding my sister agsin after so long, she began to stir shit between me and just about everyone. If she wasn't the focus of my attention, she made sure she was- think pretending to faint when I dared tell her to hang on while I changed DD. She'd demand that DH picked her up when she'd gone on a night out because she "couldn't be arsed to walk home". If I was unavailable at any time, she'd pull the "never there" card. (Apparantly it was my fault we all went into care- three of my sisters believe this, I've heard it for years, and it fucking stings! If they knew what I'd tried to do to protect them from what was going on!!!) The "Neclver There" card is particularly relevant here...

I limited contact. It was all messing with my head. We're friends on facebook, but haven't actually had any direct contact for a year.

Until today. She posted on my timeline, asking me to text her, as she had something urgent to ask me.

I texted her, and she's asked me to have her two kids for a week, in a month's rime, while she goes into hospital. (C section- I didn't even know she was pregnant agsin. That's the level of contact we have.)

I've had to say no! And this is the point of my AIBU. Apparantly, I'm once again proving that I'm Never There, I'm a hard faced cunt, etc, etc.

The reasons I've given:

*We live in a tiny apartment. We are on the list to move, but right now, my DC share a room, and it's cramped enough as it is.

*I've had to do the bare minimum of work over the last few weeks, because of the holidays. I'll be scheduling fart breaks on the week the DC go back to school.

*I've never even met her kids! (4 and 18m). Surely it wouldn't be fair on them to go and stay with a complete stranger for a week?

Fuck a moose, do I feel guilty!! She says they'll hqve to go into respite care if I can't have them, and it'll be the second lot of kids I've put into care!

I'm ready to be told I'm a stone cold bitch now. You lot can't hurt me as much as hearing it the first time did...

So, am I?

And, if I am, is there a solution I'm not seeing re; the practicalities of it all?

I just wondered is there any way you can perhaps look in on your sister's two children... not take them in to your home as that seems impractical for all sorts of reasons [not least your own emotional wellbeing] but perhaps find some way of keeping an eye on them and their welfare?

I am not trying to make you feel guilty or responsible for the children because this would not be fair or right in any way... It is just that I find myself feeling anxious for two small children with a mother who appears to have a degree of mental ill health and no support around her.

Tell her this.
We have 2 more sister, who you say both blame me for you going into care. I am sure one of our sister in this case will be willing to jump at the chance to prevent the children going into care.
You must also have Grandparents on the father's side who could help, or the children's father.
I am sorry I couldn't help but hope you can sort this.

Or could your sister's situation be flagged with someone who could help... Would NSPCC be able to offer any advice or support?

Sorry you are in such a difficult position OP and it seems so unfair that you are still dealing with the psychological and practical aftermath of the trauma you yourself suffered at such a young age

Just popping on to say I'll reply later...mother of all headaches- dramatic puke-noises and everything! DD (10) has just come in with a cold flannel, and called the GPs to pick up her and DS. It's silly, but in these situations the guilt does hit a bit...I have people I can call for emergency support, etc. I don't think she has anyone.

Back in a few hours. Sorry about the grammar- I have even less eyes than usual atm! 😁

1. You were a kid when you went into care. A kid without authority for making decisions. That was down to your parent/s who decided to put ALL of you in care, not just you. That is not your fault and they need to get over that.
2. You cannot change the past, only the future. Although family is important, your husband and child trumps the rest. They cannot be happy if you are unhappy.
3. Where is/are the children's father/s in this?
4. Where are your other siblings in this? Why can't they help her?
5. The after effects of a section go way beyond a week. She will need support for longer than that. Who is giving her this support?
6. Sadly, blood or not, she is toxic, lives in a world of blame and will play you like a cheap fiddle using guilt to control you.
7. She must learn the hard way. You are NOT responsible for her life. She must give as well as take to maintain any relationship.
8. You have absolutely done the right thing OP. Now work to drop that guilt.
9. Your relationship with her is on her terms. She is not interested in you or your terms, only what she can get from you without giving. The sooner you realise this the quicker you will become more able to handle this relationship.

10. You can allow the guilt of the past to control you, or you can put it where it belongs; in the past, and move on. 11. There is no rule that says you have to allow this behaviour just because she is family or have to like her. You would not choose to hang out with someone like this if she were not related, would you? 12. Stand firm and repeat. "I cannot have your children. Please stop asking"

Purplemac I am not sure it is helpful to tell the OP how hard it may be for her sister to have been adopted. I am sure she is aware. In fact "Some people on here are being extremely judgemental." I don;t think we are generally, no. I think we can all imagine how tough if could be.

My son was adopted into our family and he also lost everything, birth family, and then foster family, although we try to see foster family (which I think is unusual).

However, the OP had life in an abusive family for 17 years as opposed to 4 years. She has managed to make her life work out and is not blaming anyone not responsible for what has happened to her.

OP, have you looked into whether your sister has borderline personality disorder?

Back now- sorry about that!

I do hear what a few posters are saying about how hard it is to be adopted etc. This is why I've given her leeway in the past- all three of the "blaming" ones, in fact. Plus, and I'm sorry if this offends, but I went through hell at the same time as them, and I didn't turn into a cunt. I'm not saying that this is the same for everyone- I'm saying that I'm living proof that it can be done. But I do REALLY appreciate your opinion, as much as I appreciate the opinions of the people who are saying that IANBU.

So, from what I can gather, she's NC with her adoptive parents. I can believe this, as there were issues when we were in contact years ago- deep issues which would take too long to get into.

The sister I am close to won't have a bar of her: she's already been burnt by her in the past (took her in when Kate was in a violent relationship, came back to work one day to find she'd gone back to him, and ransacked the house while she was at it). It was the close DS who first put the idea in my head that she may not be pregnant. (Shall we call close DS Sarah?). She was also the sister who's wedding Kate spoilt. (Spoiled? I haven't put my grammar back in after this mornings death-head! 😁).

Of the other siblings, one is in Ireland (only reason I have so little contact with her is that she lives in the woods and never has a signal - no, I'm not making this up!).

Then you have the Bitches of Eastwick- the other two "blaming" ones. I don't think they speak much (the three of them).

All she'll say about the father is that she "can't rely on him". I don't know much about him tbh. Thinking logically- and please don't flame me for presuming!- she moved house tlrecently, pretty wuickly- so there may have been ssues with him?

Your sister is clearly a very damaged individual.

However, that is absolutely not your fault and you are not responsible for her. As others have said, there are probably reasons behind the way she is and none of us really know what happened to her during her years in care - but again, that is absolutely not your fault and it doesn't mean you have to put up with her difficult behaviour and in any case, stepping in every time she makes demands like this is actually not helping her learn to manage her life.

The only thing the two of you have in common is some DNA. You didn't grow up together and you don't even have a shared childhood. The fact that she happens to be related to you doesn't mean you are obliged to be responsible for her, or even have any contact with her.

Personally, I would block her on social media. I know this sounds harsh, but you cannot 'fix' her and the only thing that can possibly come of this is that you will end up being damaged by her.

Really sorry you're having to go through this.

Polly the only thing that stopped me from blocking was the niggling doubt that I may have been BU.

Those of you who have read my other threads- particularly the one about abuse- know some of the backstory anyway: I grew up doing everything in my power to protect them. Whenever they misbehaved, I'd do something worse (I was stealing cars at 10 ffs), so that what they'd done would pale in comparison, and I'd be the one getting punished. I'd make myself "available" to the bastards my "mother" invited into the house so that my sisters would be left alone. This is not enough, apparantly. I was still "never there".

Oh, and I hear you about c section recovery time, too- I've had two, so I understand.

Glad you're headaches gone love, you've got enough on your plate.🌸

It sounds like you all had a terrible upbringing and early life. I'm really sorry for that.

However, that doesn't excuse your adult sisters terrible behaviour towards you. She's not a child anymore and needs to start behaving in a responsible way.

You are really not being unreasonable here.

I suspect she knows your harbour a lot of guilt and she's using that to manipulate you.

Go with your gut here. Saying no, doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you a sensible one.

Allroads I am so sorry to hear about your past. Your sister is being totally unreasonable. I hope she does ask social services for help and at least then they can get involved if necessary.

I hope you have had or can get counselling. You sound remarkably well adjusted considering what you have been through.

How's it going op? I hope you're ok