To be a bit suspicious of this woman? And WWYD?

[GettingWorseBeforeItGetsBetter]

Bit of an odd one, but basically want to know what I should or shouldn't do about this.

Firstly, bit of background. My grandparents; had 3 children. My DM is the oldest (late 50s), then middle child is 2 years younger (A1) and then youngest is 2 years younger again (A2). My grandmother died in 2011 after my grandparents had been married 40+ years (not really relevant). Between the 3 children there are 8 grandchildren, but sadly only 5 of us are still alive. There is also now 3 great grandchildren; my DD and my cousins 2 step children who are considered Great Grandchildren.

A2 has a best friend, who also has children (4 I think), we'll call the friend L. L and A2 have known each other for years and are the same age. My grandmother didn't like L so wouldn't let her come to any family events or treat her any different to any other friends. GM once told my DM that she though L was trying to get close to us as my Gdad has a lot of money; nice house (5 beds which will be worth around £600k where I live), several private pensions+a state one, nice car etc. When my GM needed end of life care Gdad put her in the most expensive hospice he could find, paid for a private nurse for her etc basically no expense was spared because there was no worry about how it would be paid for.

Then when my GM died everything changed. L suddenly became centre of the family, organising GMs funeral, calling GDad "dad" and getting her children (well the 2 I met) to call him "granddad". It all seemed very sweet and innocent for awhile, L had apparently never had parents, so it seemed like she'd just made a family for herself.

I started to become suspicious of her after my cousin died in 2014. Cousin was A1s only DD, and she had several disabilities and issues. L made out like she'd been the most important person in my cousins life, crying over the coffin at the funeral, posting on Facebook how painful it was to lose someone who was "like a daughter to her". I know for a fact she had only met my cousin once, I spoke to my cousin daily and considered her my best friend. A1 also told me at the funeral that the public display of grief was upsetting for her as cousins DM. A1 had words with L, but L made out that A1 was being UR and told her that she loved (cousins name) and will miss her loads. A1 has avoided her as much as possible since, and agrees with my suspicions about her.

When my DD was born in 2015, L told my DM told my mum that now she was a grandmother she wouldn't want to bother with an old man anymore and offered to take the days caring/cleaning my DM did for my Gdad so she could spend time with her new grandchild. Each of the 3 sisters help take care of my granddad 1-2 days a week now he's very old (in his 80s), they clean, cook and help him with anything else such as replying to letters or making phonecalls. All of the sisers get a small amount of money from my Gdads pension as a thank you for helping plus it boosts the income of my DM and A1 who're both now single and working in low paid jobs (I don't know exactly how much but it's between £100 and £200 per week each). DM declined Ls invitation so instead L decided she was going to help my GDad herself on 1 day a week. He told her he didn't need anymore help as between the 3 children and his grandchildren he had a week covered but she insisted. So she does his ironing for him. GDad pays her for this but I know it's only a very small amount and nowhere near what he pays his children.

She's always posting photos of herself and my Gdad on Facebook saying how he's her favourite person ever. She also posts photos of her and A2 saying how they're sisters and they love each other - there's never any mention of my DM or my A1 in these posts.

She's calls herself "Aunty L" to my DD, but never makes the effort to see us without my GDad and won't even tell me where she lives. I only know where because my SIL gives her a lift home sometimes and SIL told me (but she doesn't know SIL is my SIL IYSWIM because we have a common surname). She refused to come to my wedding due to money issues, but when my GDad said he'd pay for her to attend, and also give her money for drinks she could suddenly come and got very drunk with her +1 who I've never met before and never seen her with since. Similar happened at my DDs christening, she couldn't attend until my GDad offered to pay then she turned up got drunk with an unknown +1 and only spoke to Gdad and A2.

A1 and I think she's trying to be written into my GDads will. It's widely known in our family that each of us his daughters will get a share of his house after IT, and that his GC will share his life insurance (worth around £500k) after funeral costs, and that he's left a sum of money to each of his Gr GC (about £10k each).

AIBU to think L wants my GDads money, my GM knew this and was why she kept her at arms length? And if so WWYD about it? A1 and I have both warned my DM, A2 and GDad but they seem to think she's a "sweet woman" whose just helping out.

Some people like to be overly involved my sil "best friend" was like this when my sil died suddenly organising everything and being involved in everything I think part of it was she was relishing the attention she was getting .

If all the daughters get between £100£200/week for helping their dad that's between £300£600/week out of Grandads pension (that's a large pension) plus whatever he gives L Grandad finances sound extremely complicated

So she was invited to your wedding but couldn't come due to money problems?
She was invited to your dc christening but couldn't come due to money problems....

Why was she invited? You don't like her, don't consider her to be 'family' or 'friend' so why?

If he only gives her a small amount for ironing, I think you will find GD is one switched on cookie.
The will gives it too the Children and G Children, so think you will find she isn't included, or maybe he will give her a bit of cash, 80 isn't that old to be conable, or she would already have made much more headway

sprinklestar has it nailed, she is a cuckoo! The problem is, you have all let her worm her way into the centre of your family. You need to start ousting her, NOW. Never mind about the money, you need to draw your boundaries and make sure she is on the other side of them!

Why not gather up those who distrust her and confront her?

"You're not family. You're a fucking weirdo. Fuck off."

Get rid of her NOW. Whilst I accept some posters suggestion of altruism, her behaviour at weddings, christenings etc suggests otherwise.

I speak from experience with my DM who had dementia. Money began going missing from her home and our photos and those of her gc's were replaced by her "helpers" family. There was no talking to my dm and it drove a wedge between us. I look back now and realise how weak I was. I rang ss who were unwilling to intervene because the local authority care staff would fall under suspicion. Yes, really. I insisted I had no doubts whatsoever about them.

Even her bank manager (wrong professionally, but right in human decency) rang me with concerns about the large cash sums being withdrawn.

Matters eventually resolved but I was even accused of wanting her house by the party involved. What she did not know was that I owed nearly as much in care fees as the value of her home so there was limited financial gain for me just the stress of selling to make repayment.

Trust your uneasy feeling and tell her she is no longer welcome. Make sure you are at your dad's regularly and turn her away.

Firstly, I would speak to GD. I would explain that his wife was suspicious and now you, DM, A1 etc are all suspicious. Voice your concerns to him. Literally say "I think she is after your money".
I would then speak to L. Not behind closed doors or anything like that were she can twist what you've said. I would literally say "you do realise that we aren't your family? He isn't your dad" or "I think you need to back off and let us be a family" or something similar.

You don't think that A2 and L have been more than friends in the past do you?

Yes, you are right to be suspicious.

My DGM recently befriended a man who was considerably younger than her. She was quite vulnerable, having lost DGF recently and there was clearly some romantic interest there on her side, which he kind of encouraged a little, without being utterly explicit about it (he was married all this time).

He was very clearly on the make for money. A family member works with some of his colleagues, and was told privately that he had form for befriending widows and asking for expensive presents/getting written into the will. These people do exist, sadly.

He started asking her for expensive gifts for birthdays, Christmasses etc. But it was only when DGM found out he was having an affair with another woman that she could see she was being played.

Golddigger. Your instincts are spot on here based on the description you've given - she is sniffing around for money now and to be in the will later.

Can you talk to your grandfather? Remind him how suspicious his wife was of her and outline your concerns. If he wants to continue the ironing thing and her popping in and out then ask him if you can nanny cam the place just to be sure.

You may well find that he's been uneasy about her as well but didn't have the social know-how or whatever to exclude her. Make sure he understands that she isn't poor and that the wedding thing was a test to see if he would give her money.

Maybe best to do with your sensible aunt but not loads of people, that would be a big pile on and make him defensive.

@FrogFairy that's exactly what I thought.

Been there but not done that thank God. My kind-hearted Grandad was latched onto by a leech but though he gave money when alive he actually had nothing to leave in his will! I didn't want money - I wanted a few extra years.

Titles are hugely important to me. I have one Mum, one Dad. I am the only "Mum" to my daughter (she has a step-Mum but I'd be distraught if she called her Mum). I adored my Grandad. If a non-family member was calling him by that title so publicly I'd be apoplectic with rage. Talk to him.

I would think it prudent for some kind of "power of attorney" to be drawn up for your GDad if it hasn't already. If his daughter's don't want to suggest this then his solicitor should/could, it can be shared between 3 people quite easily.

To be honest L sounds a bit sad and needy, as well as a Gold digger.

So much talk about money

Yes to power of attorney and find out who his executor is for his will. Edge this woman put, she sounds distinctly cheeky and almost certainly after money.

*out

She's batshit... and definitely a gold digger!! Have a word on your own with her and try to record it... see if she shoes her true colours

Your GDad is being unreasonable to have a woman around him who his wife and love of his life did not trust or like.

You need to cut ties, stop letting her call your DD niece / her Aunty and when she's at your gdad house then just ignore her / tell her she is wrong and she is not Aunty.

If your gdad says your being rude to her then tell him he should be putting family before a woman his wife hated.

Be firm on your position.

To all those who are saying there is a lot of talk about money it's really not about the money. I'm a single mum and I have worked incredibly hard so that when I pass away I have a house to leave to my daughter, my funeral costs will be paid and there are small insurances coming her way. The thought that I would be hoodwinked out of any of this later in life is absolutely diabolical.

She is worming her way in, and crying poverty, pretending to be a family member! She's in it for the long haul. Good luck if you can manage to get rid of this leech.

My first instinct was illegitimate daughter. GM decided to forgive the affair but couldnt tolerate the proof. Now she's died she can finally have a relationship with her Dad...

Why do you enable her, by including her in family events ?
She needs telling straight, no beating around the bush, with this one.
Tell her " Back right off, you grabbing loon ", hopefully, she'll understand that. Stop her from doing the ironing, by one of you taking over. If there's no work, she can't do it.

This might be difficult and distressing - sorry op - but is there any way he might be her dad?

I also think you should get this person out now. As a family, we had just this kind of cuckoo/gold digger (a relative by marriage) who went to great lengths by offering to do all my DGP's accounts and bill payments, pretty much took over DGP's lives and used lies and secrets to this person's own ends. It was so tied up in knots that we have never discovered all that this person did.

It's your family, not a resource for the opportunist. Get together, have a meeting about the intruder, itemise the issues and form a plan so that there can be no divide and rule. There can be no half measures in how you tackle this, any chink or weakness and she will try to reinsert herself, which is why you must have a united plan that you are all committed to carrying out.

She's a gold-digging cuckoo in your nest. Beware.