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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be livid about him using me like this?

78 replies

ShuckThisFit · 29/08/2017 19:52

NC as this will immediately out me to anyone vaguely familiar with the situation - I'll try to keep it brief without drip-feeding:

My ex-husband applied to my employer. He asked me for a recommendation before he did, which I declined to give as it'd be incredibly unprofessional. I also told him that, while I was not petty enough to actively intervene if he absolutely wanted to work for the same (globally operating, so very large) firm in a completely different department, I thought it was a bit inappropriate and that I'd prefer he look elsewhere and would not be pushing his application.

Due to my position and reputation, I'm well known within the firm - at least on a national level. XH is well aware, as this was already the case when we were still married. So he decided to name-drop me during his interview, saying that we had 'studied and trained together' (both technically accurate, although a 10-year marriage might be a tad more significant, relatively speaking).

The inevitable happened: he got into the final round! And because I am apparently a stellar reference without even giving my opinion on the matter (HR apparently told him I was), he called again asking for a push from me.

I obviously told XH no way and that he had pissed me off by using me in this way when I had explicitly declined to endorse him. But WIBU to reach out to the director in charge of the open position (whom I know and am reasonably friendly with) and ask him not to hire the deceiving twat?

OP posts:

Original poster

ShuckThisFit · 29/08/2017 19:54

Brief addition in case it matters: he has a good job already, he just wants a better one - so I'd not be depriving his family of food if I put and end to it.

OP posts:

Piratesandpants · 29/08/2017 19:55

I think you need to focus on your professional integrity and reputation. Ask for a meeting g with the director and be honest about the situation. Keep it formal and measured, whatever you think of your ex.

MapMyMum · 29/08/2017 19:59

I wouldnt ask for them not to hire him but I would make it very clear that you dont endorse him at all and that you are cross he has used your name after you explicitly said not to.

MrsHathaway · 29/08/2017 20:00

So he's got a leg up just by name-dropping you?! That's absurd.

Can't you say to HR or whoever that he's slightly misrepresented the situation and you haven't in fact worked with him?

Original poster

ShuckThisFit · 29/08/2017 20:03

Hmmm ... good point about not asking explicitly for them not to hire him but rather limit myself to what actively concerns me.

Is a formal meeting the way to go? I was originally thinking of going for lunch or drinks (director and me are on these terms, so not weird) and placing the whole thing in a 'look, I'm in a bit of a difficult position and would like for you to be aware' sort of way.

OP posts:

Original poster

ShuckThisFit · 29/08/2017 20:06

MrsHathaway, we technically used to work together. Or, more like, we were recruited to the same graduate scheme after uni - I resigned when we got serious enough for it to become inappropriate and joined my current firm.

Having said that, this is obviously not the most relevant part of our history by far.

OP posts:

Ttbb · 29/08/2017 20:06

Yes that wbu but it wnbu to make it clear that you have chosen not to comment for valid personal reasons and anyone who says otherwise is a liar and a bastard

sonjadog · 29/08/2017 20:10

Don´t tell them not to hire him, but do say that you declined to endorse him due to your personal relationship and that you are concerned that that impression has not been given in the interviews. Leave the rest up to the director.

sonjadog · 29/08/2017 20:11

I´d probably just send an email. If you ask for a meeting, it makes it a big deal. Could you not just email and say this had come to your attention and you just want to make it clear that you haven´t and won´t be endorsing him?

Original poster

ShuckThisFit · 29/08/2017 20:18

Technically, it doesn't really matter what I say and how I say it exactly. I'm quite certain that me saying anything at all will lead to him not getting the job.

What really pisses me off like hell, though, is that I've told him that I didn't want him to involve me, that I'd much prefer he didn't apply and that he went right ahead and used me to further his interests and then still expecting me to help him out after all.

XH has a long history of pulling this kind of stunt. It's a massive contributor to how he became an X in the first place.

OP posts:

2017SoFarSoGood · 29/08/2017 20:18

OP I suspect I'd do the lunch with the director, if you have done so before and it would not be too out of the ordinary. Don't put it in writing. Whatever you say could be misconstrued.

Original poster

ShuckThisFit · 29/08/2017 20:19

*expected. Thanks, autocorrect!

OP posts:

sonjadog · 29/08/2017 20:21

I understand that it is very annoying, but you need to look at it cold-headed and with your professional head on. Someone has used you as a reference without consulting you. Would you normally let that slide? I´m guessing not - so you follow it up in the same way you would if it were an ex-colleague who had done it. Don´t bring in personal baggage, keep it professional in what you say to the director.

January87 · 29/08/2017 20:21

Why would it be unprofessional if he was qualified for the job? I'm not getting it. Yes he was a twat to go on and name drop you anyway but I'm not seeing what would be unprofessional about you giving an endorsement if he was suitable for the position he was interviewing before.

I also don't know why you resigned from your graduate position, I know lots of people in all kinds of fields who work together and are together intimately also and it doesn't affect their day to day working life...

MyRedPepper · 29/08/2017 20:22

Yes, have a chat with the director. Don't ask him not to hire him (younwill end up not looking good) but let him know about the last situation, incl the fact he seems to have maybe overstated what you did together work wise.

I also think it is essential that the company does know the situation. It might be a big company but what if. What if he ends up in the same department than you, him working for you, you being 'dependant' on him to have your work done (even if he is in a different department) etc

I would aslso question his motive to want to be in the same company than you TBH.

Kailoer · 29/08/2017 20:24

I'd keep it verbal.
And definitely stay away from an explicit Don't Hire.

Use less direct but equally obvious wording such as "X asked me to endorse him, I refused for valid professional reasons. Now I have reason to believe he may be trying to manipulate the hiring process (name dropping at interview) to make it look like I endorse him. I want you to be aware that I don't."

Then leave it there

Any hiring manager worth their salt will see the red flags galore from that

MyRedPepper · 29/08/2017 20:24

January it would be unprofessional because the OP description will not be objective, whatever she is saying (good or bad). Too much history between them.

BannedFromNarnia · 29/08/2017 20:26

I would do the lunch and be very candid but only about your part in it. Nothing at all about him as a person or his work history or anything good or anything bad.

Just a careful outline - 'He asked, I said no because I don't think it's appropriate to recommend a former romantic partner, he appears to have name dropped me anyway but without revealing our personal connection. HR asked me for a recommendation and I'm afraid as I have already say to him, I am not going to.'

He was the one who misrepresented your relationship in an interview and tried to force you into something unprofessional that you'd already declined. He can live with the consequences of the other director knowing this.

highinthesky · 29/08/2017 20:26

Are you in a regulated industry? Take a look at the company's protocol on business ethics. If it looks like you are being compromised, them make it known asap.

GeekyWombat · 29/08/2017 20:27

Definitely don't put anything in writing, via email, or whatever. But YANBU to be furious and want to draw a professionally-worded line in the sand.

Ditsy1980 · 29/08/2017 20:27

Same advice as others really.
I wouldn't ask them not to hire him but would go for lunch with director and tell them that you didn't/wouldn't endorse him.
If he gets it on his merit fair enough but he shouldn't get it because of his link to you (which he hasn't even been fully honest about).

Snausage · 29/08/2017 20:32

Personally, I'd write a short email to the hiring manager explaining that you understand that an applicant has name-dropped you at interview but that, ethically, you have not and will not endorsed the application because he is your ex-husband.

I don't know about your company, but the one I work for has a rather specific ethics policy - I would have to declare anything like that anyway, especially if I'd been name-dropped. Just thinking of your own professional reputation.

Snausage · 29/08/2017 20:33

PS. ethically there'd be nothing wrong with him working there, but I would've thought that there would need to be a record of it somewhere.

iMatter · 29/08/2017 20:33

I think you absolutely have to say something and agree with others about the approach - chat/drink with director setting out exactly what happened.

I suspect you won't even have to say "don't hire". He will have screwed it up himself.

Nuttynoo · 29/08/2017 20:36

Using fraudulent references is reason enough not to hire someone. Just call the director OP.

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