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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be livid about him using me like this?

78 replies

ShuckThisFit · 29/08/2017 19:52

NC as this will immediately out me to anyone vaguely familiar with the situation - I'll try to keep it brief without drip-feeding:

My ex-husband applied to my employer. He asked me for a recommendation before he did, which I declined to give as it'd be incredibly unprofessional. I also told him that, while I was not petty enough to actively intervene if he absolutely wanted to work for the same (globally operating, so very large) firm in a completely different department, I thought it was a bit inappropriate and that I'd prefer he look elsewhere and would not be pushing his application.

Due to my position and reputation, I'm well known within the firm - at least on a national level. XH is well aware, as this was already the case when we were still married. So he decided to name-drop me during his interview, saying that we had 'studied and trained together' (both technically accurate, although a 10-year marriage might be a tad more significant, relatively speaking).

The inevitable happened: he got into the final round! And because I am apparently a stellar reference without even giving my opinion on the matter (HR apparently told him I was), he called again asking for a push from me.

I obviously told XH no way and that he had pissed me off by using me in this way when I had explicitly declined to endorse him. But WIBU to reach out to the director in charge of the open position (whom I know and am reasonably friendly with) and ask him not to hire the deceiving twat?

OP posts:

ReanimatedSGB · 29/08/2017 20:37

Do you think he's trying to get the job so that he can either annoy or attempt to control you in the workplace?

Original poster

ShuckThisFit · 29/08/2017 20:39

I'm not in a regulated industry myself, but some of my clients are and I'm therefore contractually obliged to adhere to a similar, rigorous code of ethics.

As per the relevant policies, this is a bit of a grey area. I obviously checked: I'm obliged to report any breach of ethics committed by any employee if and when it comes to my attention. OTOH, said policy a) doesn't apply to people not yet employed by the firm and b) is clearly intended to apply predominantly to my responsibilities as a manager and, going by the phrasing, implicitly assumes a situation in which I learn that one of my subordinates has acted unethically.

OP posts:

ShellyBoobs · 29/08/2017 20:41

YANBU to make it clear what's going on and your feelings about it.

YABU to 'reach ou' to the director though, unless you're a member of The Four Tops.

MumW · 29/08/2017 20:41

Cheeky sod.

I think that I'd probably email the appropriate person and say something along the lines of, were they aware that Mr Fit is your exH and that he asked you to put a word in for hm. You told him it would be totally inappropriate but it seems that he has been name dropping in spite of you trying to keep out of the recruitment process. Given that he is your ex, it is totally inappropriate and unprofessional to endorse or otherwise his application - it would be extremely awkward.

That way, they are aware that he is your ex and that he has deliberately mis-represented his relationship with you. Hopefully, they will read between the lines and conclude that you don't wish to work with him but you haven't actually said that.

I think you have to say something otherwise it will look as though you gave him a leg up even though you didn't. It will inevitably be all around the company that he is your ex as he will obviously continue to use your reputation and your past relationship to his advantage if he gets the job.

He must be mad to think that you were going to support his application after you specifically told him you didn't want to get involved and then he involved you anyway.

LondonNicki · 29/08/2017 20:43

The key thing here is can he do the role or do you feel his wouldnnotbperform which would impact your reputation in the company?

If that is the case I would certainly drop HR an email to confirm you do not endorse him.

If he can do it then he is entitled to be selected on his merits - cv and performance at interview and it would be wrong of you to intervene. However I doubt that HR would put any weight on him saying he studied and worked with you. That's not a reference. If they wanted to rely on that in any way they should have contacted you and they didn't so you have no accountability in the selection decision.

Original poster

ShuckThisFit · 29/08/2017 20:47

As for why it's my firm he's applying to: I don't think it's to control me, exactly, but IMO me being there has a lot to do with it. He's always had a bit of a one upmanship issue regarding everything, ranging from actually significant issues to petty things such as wanting to outdo the neighbours by booking the better holiday.

He's pathologically competitive and probably remembers that at the time of the divorce I earned marginally more than him.

OP posts:

HeebieJeebies456 · 29/08/2017 20:50

Be firm.
You'd already made it clear to your colleague that you would NOT give a reference
You also made it clear to HIM

It shows how untrustworthy and brown nosing he is.
If he gets the job, it won't be the first time he name drops you to get ahead.....
You also need to put it in writing/email to HR that you do NOT want to be professionally associated with him.

ForgivenessIsDivine · 29/08/2017 20:50

I am not sure I understand the HR comment..
'And because I am apparently a stellar reference without even giving my opinion on the matter (HR apparently told him I was)'
I think I would want to correct this with HR if they are under the impression that you have endorsed his candidature. Though presumably, all references would be followed up.

You could be proactive and advise HR and the hiring director that it would be inappropriate for your connection to be taken into account as part of the recruitment process due to the fact that he is your ex-husband.

(Maybe post this in employment and ask Flowery's advice...

grumpysquash3 · 29/08/2017 20:57

Would he be more senior than you if he got the job?

Original poster

ShuckThisFit · 29/08/2017 20:59

Forgiveness, me being a stellar reference by simply existing is entirely contingent on my own reputation within HR. I'm not myself in HR or anything even remotely related but have regular dealings with them. And then there's the part where, due to the nature of my role, I spent the first half decade of my career as a designated token woman or, to put it in HR speak, a diversity hiring success story. (We've thankfully hired a few more women since then.)

OP posts:

Original poster

ShuckThisFit · 29/08/2017 21:02

Grumpy, no, I'd just about outrank him - and, knowing my XH, he'd spend the next two years of his life moving heaven and hell to turn this situation around and move on after eventually succeeding.

OP posts:

Rainbunny · 29/08/2017 21:09

I agree with previous pps, just speak to the relevant HR person and be absolutely neutral. Make it clear that you would neither endorse him or not due to your personal relationship. You would be appropriate to voice some displeasure as his use of your reputation however since you clearly refused to agree to that when he approached you - that is relevant information of his character that your company should be aware of.

Snausage · 29/08/2017 21:53

OP, I wasn't for one moment suggesting you weren't aware of your company's policies, and I know that some companies aren't bound in the same ways as regulated companies.

I was more alluding to you protecting yourself and your employer. If you have alerted them to a possible point of contention, then the choice over who they employ is up to them. If I were in your shoes, my main MO would be looking after myself and all that I'd built. If it becomes known that he is your ex-husband, it could leave you and your company open. Especially if there's any trouble in the future.

I only say this as I'm currently working on an investigation at work which involves nepotism. Years after the fact, the company and the individual have both been left open to all sorts of allegations.

Anecdoche · 29/08/2017 21:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Allthebestnamesareused · 29/08/2017 22:18

ShellyBoobs

For the 4 Tops comment - today you win the internet

Maelstrop · 29/08/2017 22:29

I was originally thinking of going for lunch or drinks (director and me are on these terms, so not weird) and placing the whole thing in a 'look, I'm in a bit of a difficult position and would like for you to be aware' sort of way.

Yes to this and a casual 'Can't believe he used my name when I asked him not to, bit deceiving of him' type comment.

Ellisandra · 29/08/2017 22:30

Does your company have a nepotism policy? Many big firms do. Mine does - you can hire family members, but HR have to be informed of the link at the start of the process.

I'd probably be a bit underhand about it...

Sounds like it's been quite some years since you worked on that graduate scheme?

I wouldn't tell the director that you're in an awkward position. Just keep it totally factual "hi X. With regards to Y position, my XH has applied. He's asked me to be a referee (we were both on Z company grad scheme in 1902) - I'm not sure whether we have a nepotism policy and I need to declare anything?"

Makes sure that you get in the point about him using an out of date reference. That should go against him without you ever explicitly saying "well it's a pointless reference as it was so long ago".

Ellisandra · 29/08/2017 22:31

You look professional and unbitter, but you plant the nepotism seed for them to start thing "oh I don't fancy having someone's XH around the place".

emmyrose2000 · 30/08/2017 05:08

Yes, this sounds good.

It brings it up in a sort of FYI way, rather than in such a way that you can be accused of (blatantly) telling the company not to hire him.

chooseSomeOptions · 30/08/2017 05:25

You seem quite petty and unprofessional. What reason do you have for holding him back from progressing in his career? Because he's your ex.

Are you sure you're as well known as you say because I can't imagine someone acting like this and doing as well in their careers as you say you are.

Peppapogstillonaloop · 30/08/2017 05:32

Choosesomeoptions are you her ex? She sounds nothing of the sort..her ex on the other hand. Totally inappropriate behaviour. Op I think you've had good advice on lunch and a casual comment nothing in writing and no specific request not to hire..hope it all works out for you

chooseSomeOptions · 30/08/2017 05:48

No. Just someone with a balanced opinion. She said she wouldn't be petty and alluded to being professional within a multi-national company yet doesn't appear to stick to either.

She should give a professional reference. If she doesn't think he should get the job because of professional reasons like lack of experience or qualification then she should say so but not wanting him to work there simply because he's an ex is not pleasant or professional.

Once more, I can't help but wonder how the opinion of MN would be entirely different in:

AIBU? My ex H works at a large multi-national. I've applied for a job which will give me and my family a little more money as well as be great for me professionally. I told him I would be applying as a courtesy. I got through to the final round of interviews but he's now going to speak to the director and ask them to not hire me.

I suspect that there would be all kinds of calls of 'men's club', 'patriarchy' blah blah.

OP, you sound insecure, thinking he may one day out-rank you. You have a bee in your bonnet about being the token female. You said something about him having a family to support. I assume this isn't with you. Are you still single? The more I think about it, the more bitter and petty you seem.

HappenedForAReisling · 30/08/2017 05:53

What reason do you have for holding him back from progressing in his career?

Because he lied to try and get the job and included the OP - without her knowledge - in his lie?

That good enough for ya?

chooseSomeOptions · 30/08/2017 05:56

No. Not good enough as he didn't.

Give over with the PA rhetoric.

HappenedForAReisling · 30/08/2017 06:02

LOL

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