To be livid about him using me like this?

[ShuckThisFit]

NC as this will immediately out me to anyone vaguely familiar with the situation - I'll try to keep it brief without drip-feeding:

My ex-husband applied to my employer. He asked me for a recommendation before he did, which I declined to give as it'd be incredibly unprofessional. I also told him that, while I was not petty enough to actively intervene if he absolutely wanted to work for the same (globally operating, so very large) firm in a completely different department, I thought it was a bit inappropriate and that I'd prefer he look elsewhere and would not be pushing his application.

Due to my position and reputation, I'm well known within the firm - at least on a national level. XH is well aware, as this was already the case when we were still married. So he decided to name-drop me during his interview, saying that we had 'studied and trained together' (both technically accurate, although a 10-year marriage might be a tad more significant, relatively speaking).

The inevitable happened: he got into the final round! And because I am apparently a stellar reference without even giving my opinion on the matter (HR apparently told him I was), he called again asking for a push from me.

I obviously told XH no way and that he had pissed me off by using me in this way when I had explicitly declined to endorse him. But WIBU to reach out to the director in charge of the open position (whom I know and am reasonably friendly with) and ask him not to hire the deceiving twat?

chooseSomeOptions - entirely different. Issue is here lying (by omission) at the interview and the OP knows.

OP go out for lunch/coffee with the director and just explain (saying that you absolutely are not commenting on his professional ability) that he has not given the whole story at interview.

He won't get the job, you're right because
a) he's name dropped someone who has said they don't want to be mentioned (and so most employers would have confidentiality concerns); and
b) he's left out a pretty important fact (and so most companies would have integrity concerns).

This assumes that this wasn't them saying 'Oh you work at X, OP also trained there, do you know her' and him having to come up with a response on the spot (in which case 'umm, err, we worked together for a bit' would be understandable). If he's chosen to name drop you he's brought this on himself.

For what it's worth, the name dropping hasn't gotten him to the last round. If it was the name dropping someone would have spoken to OP by now to get her view - everyone knows plenty of people they've worked with historically who they wouldn't hire!

Oops, posted too soon! You seem verrrry invested in this. As someone else mentioned, are you the Ex-DH :D

I'll take that back about the lying but OP said she did not want to be involved in his application - and I don't blame her - but he went against her wishes and involved her anyway by name-dropping.

Choose in your 'what if it was a woman' scenario -

AIBU? My ex H works at a large multi-national. I've applied for a job which will give me and my family a little more money as well as be great for me professionally. I told him I would be applying as a courtesy. I got through to the final round of interviews but he's now going to speak to the director and ask them to not hire me.

You forgot to add -

'I asked him to be a referee but he politely refused. I wasn't happy about this so I lied in my interview and said he WAS a referee. I also said we'd trained together when we hadn't. He's now refusing to go along with this!!'

How anyone can think OP is unreasonable simply for refusing to collude in her XH's lie is beyond me. The mental gymnastics some people will go to to justify unpleasant male behaviour is unreal.

My update was to choose not Zimmer.

Just to add, you absolutely cannot suggest they don't hire him though or say it would be difficult for you. In fact, I'd go as far as to say 'Obviously, if you decide he's the best person for the job, I would have no problems working with him on the team'. They won't hire him anyway and so no need for you to suggest you'd be in any way emotionally involved.

He's an idiot to have name dropped you, sounds like he might have gotten the job if he hadn't.

Choosesomeoptions, you're not being fair.

OP, just tell the director exactly what happened - your X asked you to endorse him, you refused (not 'declined' as some PP say, that is when you do not take up an offer or invitation - the mis-/overuse of it on here has proliferated recently) as you felt it would be unprofessional, you have found out he name-dropped you at interview anyway but without specifying your previous relationship, and you'd like it on record that a) this relationship existed and b) his mention of you was without your agreement. Also state that you don't wish to influence the hiring process per se (I would think a great deal less of you for saying 'don't hire' - that would be an abuse of your position IMO). Then you have acted rigorously professionally and - through his own actions only - he looks of dubious probity.

YABVU and cringey to use 'reach out', though

I think it would be fair of you to disclose to HR that he's your ex. That way you can dissociate yourself from him and he can either get or not get the job on his own merit.

Actively trying to make sure he doesn't get hired because of your personal insecurities and grudges would be unethical, and frankly vile. It's also important to note that he did study and work with you - no lies there. And obviously when asked about connections to the company/if he knew anyone etc, he wouldn't have talked about your marriage - awkward and irrelevant.

I wouldn't tell the director that you're in an awkward position. Just keep it totally factual "hi X. With regards to Y position, my XH has applied. He's asked me to be a referee (we were both on Z company grad scheme in 1902) - I'm not sure whether we have a nepotism policy and I need to declare anything?"

YYY to THIS^^

Your awkward position is neither here nor there and not up to the hiring team to sort out, so no need to take this approach.

You don't want to come across as someone crossing a line from personal life into professional.

I would be concerned enough about the name dropping to maybe add the 'clarification' that of course since the grad scheme was so long ago you did not give permission for him to use you as a reference even on the level of name dropping, if you think they will need it spelled out.

I don't think there is any need for you to do anything here. HR haven't asked you for a reference, Yes he name-dropped you at the interview but plenty of people do that and it means nothing,

Unless HR ask you for a recommendation or reference, there is nothing more you need to do. You can simply let him know that you cannot give him a reference because you have a personal connection and say the same to HR if they ask the same. That is perfectly justified.

If you start raising the matter with them it makes it into a 'issue' before it really needs to be one.

If you are contacted about it by HR or anyone else for a reference then you should decline to make any comment due to conflict of interest because the candidate is your ex husband.

You resigned from your first job together because you became serious with him??!!
Why??
Why did you resign, why didn't he??
Why was it necessary for either of you to resign?? Unless it's Mi5 or something I cannot see why you had to leave YOUR job because you BOTH be came serious
Is this affecting your irritation on the current problem?

MudCity - the issue is the OP is in a senior position. If her exDH is hired and proves dishonest in the future and it becomes known that she was aware he had lied at interview then it could come back on her. That's why I'd say something. I also think if I was the hiring director and I found out later that she had known all about it and hadn't told me I'd be pissed off at her (although I'd probably understand).

Ignore the fact it's exDH. If there was a friend interviewing and I knew they'd lied at interview I'd probably feel the need to disclose that. I'd possibly be torn (as OP is) but I'd end up feeling I had to disclose.

I think that mentioning the op but omitting to mention that they were married for 10 years is s massive lie. And dishonest.

I think the off the record chat with the hiring director is the best plan. Then take the lead from her about how to proceed.

I would definitely voice my concerns!

Same as most people here.
Don't put it on paper, that could be used by him against you, if he ever found out.
Tell your friend you are annoyed Ex name dropped you.
That you have no idea about him in a work force.
That due to the personal relationship you feel it is wrong to give him a reference, and can HR make sure that follow up on him as if he was any normal applicant for the job.

Oh I couldnt let this go! I would stick your head around the hiring directors door and ask for a quick word. Then say that you understand that your ex is through to the final round and that he asked you for a reference. You declined as you didn't think it was appropriate. You have now discovered that he went ahead and dropped your name anyway. You would rather stay out of the whole process as you feel it is unprofessional so please would they kindly review him based purely on his merits.

This way you haven't directly torpedoed him but he will be holed under the waterline anyway as the arrogant sod has been revealed to be economical with the truth during the interview process.

Would you stay if he was hired or would you start looking to move on?

I'd keep the conversation with the director casual at the start.
"I hear you had my ex husband in for interview. Hope he didn't say anything bad about me. I did tell him I couldn't possibly act as a reference...."

I don't think that you should even contemplate saying 'don't hire him' - that would be totally inappropriate and unprofessional. But I would certainly communicate to either the director or someone in HR that you understand your name has been mentioned and therefore you think it right to tell them that you couldn't give any kind of reference / endorsement due to your personal connection with him, as it would be inappropriate to do so. Making it clear that there is a significant personal connection may well be enough to make them pause to consider why he failed to disclose that himself.

Totally petty of you. Saying he knows you and trained with you wont get him the job . As others say if you get asked for a reference just refuse.

mummmy2017

What you said seems pretty sensible, same as jay55 and a few others but not the same as most here who want to ensure he doesn't get the job simply because ... well, he hasn't lied or done anything other than be a man who left a woman and now wants a job.

Anything more than "he is my ex and I couldn't give a fair reference" is unprofessional and spiteful.

chooseSomeOptions

You're talking bollocks.

Thanks for that Cockacidal.

Witty, pithy and cleverly composed. Would read again.

I've re-read (well re-skimmed) the OP, and nowhere does it say that (a) he lied or (b) he gave her as a reference.

Saying he worked with her is not the same as saying she supported his application. The idea that she did seems to be a wrong inference by HR. Since she's aware of it, she's entitled and maybe obliged to set them straight.

He can argue that not mention they were married is an attempt to be judged on his own merits / avoid nepotism.

he hasn't lied or done anything other than be a man who left a woman and now wants a job.

He's said someone will endorse him who has already said she wouldn't.