Being pregnant making me a shrill bee

[aureliaboredom]

I hate being pregnant. Pregnancy fear and self loathing taken over atm (as a change from just usual brand of self loathing).

I'm happy to be having a baby and we were very lucky to have it happen straight away, I didn't want to start until 9m before a big work project was due to finish so now I'll be going on leave just as that winds down (hopefully). Have friends who have been trying for ages and I know that if it had taken us a while (or hadn't happened) I would have been really sad and I don't mean any disrespect to those who are suffering.

I also know that I'm only 21/22w and there's a lot to happen. So far, everything looks healthy (again, very lucky - I know this).

Loss of control over body. Morning sickness/nausea stopped by 12w (again, lucky) but I resent all the other symptoms – tailbone pain, not being able to take medication for migraines, sleep being affected (or just stress affecting sleep), occasional but v painful leg cramps, constipation, looking more like a blobby fatso and knowing these things will just get much worse as time goes on because I'm in the 'good' bit. And it takes so long (knew I was preg straight away, before the test went pink so it feels a long time already). Terrified about birth and everything after.

Lovely lovely partner is already fed up with my moaning. He is a kind and thoughtful person and how he puts up with me I do not know. He is quite useless when it comes to practical things and we're both a right pair of slobs (at least I know how to clean/do things, even if I resentfully choose not to).

I'm just resentful about how much life, my body is going to change and any example of him being a bit useless/not doing practical things makes me think about how it will be a hundred times worse once the baby is here. It's making me a shrill b*tch and I keep shouting at him, which is not really deserved.

That's the other thing – I have a terrible temper now, what on earth am I going to be like with a kid?

The reality is that I'm just not that nice a person (not looking for sympathy). I'm not the biggest fan of myself and worried about messing up a kid.

what's a shrill bee

Did you have a bad temper pre-pregnancy or it or just since? I'm normally very level headed but parts of pregnancy made me a raging beast. I threw a coaster at OH once (so, so unacceptable, I was mortified and cried for hours afterwards. He was stupid enough to criticise my decorating effort after I'd spent all day painting our downstairs loo heavily pregnant).

In short, like it or not pregnancy has some unpleasant bits and you need to suck those up and get on with it. It's crap, but there's nothing you can do about it so stressing and mithering about it constantly won't help. That's not to say you can't have a moan, of course you can but you need to try not to let it get you really down.

Antenatal (and postnatal) depression and anxiety is a very real, horrible thing. If you have concerns about these please do speak to your GP or midwife, they can help massively. There's a difference between feeling a bit shit and being mentally unwell as a result of pregnancy and birth and it's not always easy to see when it's your own life. Have a chat to a professional about how you are feeling, might be just normal pregnancy feeling or it might not be.

Good luck.

Thanks quiettimeneeded. Had a temper before but feels uncontrollable at the moment. Taking everything to heart and being super sensitive as a result. He could be a bit more sensitive at times but he really doesn't deserve it. And he has a mother who really is a mentalist and would scream and shout (still does) at him so I know I'm triggering issues for him by being so horrid.

I have had anxiety/depression issues previously and understand that is a risk factor for pre/post natal depression. At the moment I am just moaning and being grumpy and unappreciative and responding to life changes like a stroppy toddler though - nothing clinical.

Will look into talking to someone, that is sensible advice.

off topic - love the word mithering.

I had pre-natal depression, albeit mildly, and a lot of it was linked to the fact that I was the first in our social circle to have a baby.
Another factor was the heat, definitely (summer of 2006) and when the temperature dropped, my spirits lifted. I had awful hyperemesis until almost 30 weeks as well, so when this faded it was a bonus.
It was like moving to a new area where you don't know anyone, though, as a lot of our social life was pubs and parties.
How much support besides your partner do you have? I mean this with respect and kindness, but you can't rely on him for everything; enlist any friends and relatives you may have to do stuff like bringing a cooked meal/putting a shelf up/helping to knock together an Ikea cot. If you have people like that around, don't be afraid to ask.
If you don't, then it's worth asking your midwife if there's a pre-natal meet-a-mum group in your area.
Practically - in the last month, fill a freezer drawer with stews and so on, start buying nappies, wipes and so forth.
Yes, it's a big identity change and you can't predict how you'll react, so don't sweat about that too much yet. I remember being ushered towards a table of women at the pub one night, because I was up the duff. It was pretty dire because none of them had kids and they were bombarding me with questions and opinions on pregnancy and parenting when all I wanted to do was have a night off from it! I was quite forthright with my partner and told him never to do that to me again!
Errr...can't think of any other advice.
I did it all a second time, quite happily, although the hyperemesis was even worse, so it is survivable!

YANBU. I am also 21 weeks, and have all the symtoms you describe. Pregnancy is so so hard. I am massively into sport and haven't trained at 100% since I found out I was pregnant, which is really tough. I just don't really feel like me.

I moaned about it a bit to a friend who just told me I should be grateful. I am. It is just very hard sometimes.

Have a look at this pregnancy rage thread from a while back. Hopefully it will cheer you up a bit

Thanks Maisie - that's a good thread to read!

All the cheese- hope you feel more like yourself soon. I did not get fit before getting preg and really regret it- I'm sure you being fit will really help you through the latter parts even if it's really frustrating you not to be able to train at the moment.

It's a big deal and life change. Saying 'you should just be grateful' is not very nice! It's understandable but I not feeling like yourself is something that would make a lot of people feel a bit funny.

Saying 'you should be grateful' to a pregnant person is as helpful as saying 'cherish every moment' to a mum with a newborn! Most people are not ungrateful to be pregnant, just having a moan.

BTW if you're a first time mum, when your baby comes you absolutely do not have to cherish every bloody moment. Most of them are wonderful, but it's ok to say when you're having a tough day

I feel ya! I'm 34 weeks pregnant and I never thought this would end. In short, pregnancy is shit and I am not a fan. I feel bad saying that because like you, I've had it pretty easy (got pregnant quickly, and only had sickness until 12 weeks), feel like I shouldn't complain but I have genuinely hated everything about being pregnant.

One positive for you, when you get to the really fun enormous waddling stage, the weather will have cooled off enough that you won't want to kill everyone and you might be able to sleep a bit too.

It won't be forever, I thought it would be, but it does end and then let's never do it again!

Haha Mandraki, you say you'll never do it again (and you might not of course), I said the same, and after a fairly easy pregnancy with zero sickness. I thought no bloody way.

Here I am now with a 17 month old thinking 'ooh I'd love to have another baby'......

quiettimeneeded haha I know! I do swing between wanting to never go through this again but also feel mean on the baby at making them be an only child for their whole life for the sake of 9 months. I think I just tell myself 'I'm never doing this again' right now as it makes me feel better. Bit like when you're drunk and feel rotten and while you're holding your hair back being sick you promise yourself you'll never drink again, and then of course you do.

Maybe we are gluttons for punishment but babies are boss

NewMinouMinou - don't understand how people cope with hyperemisis. You're made of stronger stuff than I am. I suspect I would not have a partner or a job anymore if I had to deal with that.

I've got my mum not too far and a sister who can in an emergency come by. Most friends are on partner's side so not really 'my friends' that I can really relax 100% with but I've got my girls on a whatsapp group. The benefit of them having moved to Asia/Australia is i might have someone to chat to during late night feeds/ insomnia!!

Thanks for practical tips x

won't want to kill everyone

I'm also looking forward to being able to wear miles of wool and just oook like a big Christmas pudding instead of trying to dress nicely for work and hot weather/tube commute.

All the symptoms are (alas) part and parcel. The idea of the glowing radiant pregnant lady is bollocks. I vomited from about four days after conception until the day he was born. I had spd so badly I couldn't walk and it didn't resolve after birth. Ds then didn't sleep more than an hour for 18m.

There's an awful lot of misogyny in the medical profession too. At least one doctor told me to buck up after I'd been vomiting up to 20x a day for several months 🙄 (I liked on his desk in a minor act of revenge.) so all of it is normalish but no, it's not much fun and you are totally allowed a moan.

Now. About the temper. When you have the baby you're going to realise that however tired you feel now , it's going to be worse. Unless you're lucky enough to have one of those decorative doll babies that sleeps from the off, the chances are the first few months (possibly years) are going to be torture. Ds woke at least hourly for 18m.

That level of sleep deprivation is a test on anyone's temper. So perhaps now is the time to get some coping mechanisms in place? Because having a rant and a moan is totally totally fine, and having a snap at your partner is just human. But having an explosive temper with a baby around is a no no.

I'm someone who never shouts at anyone and so is dh. I grew up in a shouty stressed household and it's left me with lifelong anxiety issues.

So yes, pregnancy is wonderful and blah blah but it can also be shit (has the epic heartburn kicked in yet? That's just SO much fun...) and having a baby is enough to push anyone to their limit - I was really pushed to mine several times. Great some ways of coping in place now, and keep on ranting as needed

I'm having a very different experience of pregnancy to you, but am about same weeks wise.

Reading your post I thought you don't sound like a shrill bee, you sound anxious - or at least reasonably concerned about all this change. I've been surprised by how present the feelings of anxiety are for me. Like right up in my grill!

Be kinder to yourself. Sometimes the worst thing you can do is tell yourself off for feeling a certain way. It reinforces the stroppy feeling. An alternative: when you feel annoyed, look at that feeling and smile at it. Say 'hello little annoyance, I see you!'. Don't try and push it away. You may find it goes of own accord. It prob helps that it was an elderly Buddhist monk I heard saying this, so every time I do it I say it in his voice in my head. Which is so silly it makes me smile anyway. He was talking about fear, but it could be anything.

I think you need more support. I've taken to blurting and it works pretty well :) who else do you have who you can talk to? Mention this to midwife too.

Re all the stuff there is to do, make a list. Tick something off it every couple of days. This helps to manage overwhelm. It's ok to be a slob, you're prob not going to have a complete rewrite of who you are just cause you're a parent.

Oh and book a pregnancy massage, they're amazing.

Pregnant solidarity. Ignore the you should be whatevers. This is your pregnancy and you feel what you feel.

@greenjojocat I'm sorry you had that experience, but in this case is it really helpful to the op to be telling her that? She's already made it clear that she's aware she should be grateful, happy etc. The fact is she's not right now, and no amount of should or guilt will make that change.

Greenjojocat- I'm really sorry that you went through that and hope that you and your twins are doing ok. I do appreciate how lucky I am.

I don't appreciate the heartburn etc and loss of self and those feelings don't diminish any of the empathy I have for someone in your position nor doe it lessen what you're going through. I would think that's obvious but perhaps it needs to be said.

Just because there are people starving in other parts of the world doesn't make us sometimes moan that there's nothing in the fridge etc or don't fancy leftovers again (or whatever).

To the other posters who have suggested support, I have not been keen to join an NCT type class - I can afford it but would rather not spend the money and don't want to just talk about preg/ babies all the time. I think that's prob a mistake and will look into it... will talk to midwife on next visit too.

Anger/ temper is a long standing issue and I don't want to be someone who shouts at my kid (or husband). Apart from how it makes them feel, I feel like a monster.

Anatidae - that sounds so awful! Were you not offered medication? A friends friend with hyperemesis is now taking pills after being hospitalised/ constant throwing up.

I do think that if men were pregnant there would be all kinds of extra treatments etc. Women are just told to deal with pain and issues that men are not expected to.

I know that I have a higher pain threshold than my partner because we both had wisdom teeth extracted and he said it was the worst pain in his life and I was like meh, when you have bad periods every month this is fine. But anyone who actually goes to the doctor with v painful (life impacting) periods often just gets told 'soz, pain is normal'.

Ahh the pregnancy rage. It's a wild experience just watching yourself over-react in a way you would never do otherwise.

I turned into an axe murderer with dc2. Doc says it was stress but I scared myself sometimes. It will pass and you are not alone.

This is soooo me and I think pretty normal for a large proportion of pregnant women!! Im 37 weeks now and honestly when I got to 30 weeks I hit a wall and just thought f#!+k it, I cant do anything about this, it is what it is and kind of surrendered to all those thoughts youve been having. Effectively backed into a corner but im just waiting for baby to come out now so I feel like I can get back on with things how I want to. Pregnancy really isnt for everyone, you moan away!!!

OP, you haven't said what your DP is doing to wind you up. Something, I bet.
I found pregnancy awful. It was physically difficult and I had a lot of anxiety around money and practicalities - my exP didn't help much with this.
We rowed a lot and had a session with a counsellor at which I struggled to articulate that he simply wasn't doing enough. I had decided to believe and say that he was a good partner. Which he implicitly believed - in fact, that he was perfect. We had an unwritten pact that everything was to be my fault and he was perfect. so I couldn't explain why I was angry.

• because I had to do all the housework, even though disabled with SPD. he just didn't do any and I couldn't live in a pit. I wasn't "nesting", as the sexist counsellor suggested. I was just trying to keep things to a basic minimal standard.
• because I had all the responsibility for money and practicalities and couldn't even discuss it with him
• because he closed down all conversation about everything that was concerning me. We weren't in it together. I was lonely. He still had a social life and because I was depressed and disabled, I didn't.

I can't tell from your posts if your DP is really lovely or if you have a dynamic like we had where the received wisdom is that he is lovely, but he is actually being quite selfish.

I definitely dont feel the earth mother glow (18 weeks) and I am generally a really upbeat and positive person - Ive still got daily actual vomiting, and generally feel really tired.

Re your body, do a pregnancy pilates class - they equip you really well for labour and do strengthening exercises to tone you up. that will help you feel more in control of your body.

I am definitely feeling more sensitive than usual (usually not remotely sensitive) and my DH, who is used to being the high maintenance whiner, is definitely a bit shocked by the change in me.

I think this is all normal.

NCT groups will also help, as you will have a safe space to moan. My advice on the moaning is do it, but give yourself some strict times when you are allowed to. Otherwise it becomes addictive and you just become a miserable harridan with loads of wrinkles and one of those terrible wrinkled faces, who just loves being miserable about everything.