Being pregnant making me a shrill bee

[aureliaboredom]

I hate being pregnant. Pregnancy fear and self loathing taken over atm (as a change from just usual brand of self loathing).

I'm happy to be having a baby and we were very lucky to have it happen straight away, I didn't want to start until 9m before a big work project was due to finish so now I'll be going on leave just as that winds down (hopefully). Have friends who have been trying for ages and I know that if it had taken us a while (or hadn't happened) I would have been really sad and I don't mean any disrespect to those who are suffering.

I also know that I'm only 21/22w and there's a lot to happen. So far, everything looks healthy (again, very lucky - I know this).

Loss of control over body. Morning sickness/nausea stopped by 12w (again, lucky) but I resent all the other symptoms – tailbone pain, not being able to take medication for migraines, sleep being affected (or just stress affecting sleep), occasional but v painful leg cramps, constipation, looking more like a blobby fatso and knowing these things will just get much worse as time goes on because I'm in the 'good' bit. And it takes so long (knew I was preg straight away, before the test went pink so it feels a long time already). Terrified about birth and everything after.

Lovely lovely partner is already fed up with my moaning. He is a kind and thoughtful person and how he puts up with me I do not know. He is quite useless when it comes to practical things and we're both a right pair of slobs (at least I know how to clean/do things, even if I resentfully choose not to).

I'm just resentful about how much life, my body is going to change and any example of him being a bit useless/not doing practical things makes me think about how it will be a hundred times worse once the baby is here. It's making me a shrill b*tch and I keep shouting at him, which is not really deserved.

That's the other thing – I have a terrible temper now, what on earth am I going to be like with a kid?

The reality is that I'm just not that nice a person (not looking for sympathy). I'm not the biggest fan of myself and worried about messing up a kid.

Yeah I got medication. It didn't work :(

I also have a huge pain threshold - but I still couldn't walk more than a few metres by the end. It wasn't really the pain, more the lack of structural integrity. It was like everything wasn't working correctly. You know those little jointed wooden toys that fall down when you press the base? Like that.

It sucked. Pregnancy can be really hard. I really didn't have anyone to vent to apart from dh in real life (you never know what other people are going through fertility wise) so yes, vent away on here.

Get help for the anger NOW though, because believe me when you've not slept for months on end is not when you'll be receptive.

It wasn't really the pain, more the lack of structural integrity.

Anatidae: this made me laugh - such a good way of putting it! That's EXACTLY how I've been feeling for a couple of months. Every time I stand up I have to do a quick balance check to make sure my legs aren't going to give out!

Oh, plus the pain now too (at 38+4 weeks)!

yes! Me too - I talked about those wooden animals too. It's such a horrible feeling!

Oh, plus the pain now too (at 38+4 weeks)!

I struggled to get pregnant for years widely thought we wouldn't. Beyond happy when it happened! I still hate being pregnant- am not grateful that the baby appears to be trying to break my ribs or that one day the heartburn might actually kill me! I can't offer any advice op apart from trying to make a list of two sections, 'really an issue' and 'not really' when you're getting stressed try and put the problem on either one. And also just try and concentrate on the fact it's not forever! (Thank god)!

I totally understand you OP! I hated being pregnant due to round the clock sickness throughout the pregnancy - and I've done it three times !
My other half even said he's not sure about trying for no. 4 as he doesn't like me when i'm pregnant - charming eh? ;)

I had my son at 27 weeks. I'm now 35 weeks with my second and it took us 3 years of ttc to get to this point so yes, I'm bloody grateful. But I hate it! I threw up constantly until 16 weeks and started again at 30 weeks. I have severe anaemia so I'm exhausted all the time. I've got mild PGP so it could be worse, but I'm still struggling to look after my 4 year old. I miss exercise as I'm a high risk pregnancy, and I spent Sat night in hospital with contractions which start up again whenever I try to walk anywhere so I'm introduced to rest (again not easy with a 4 year old boy on his summer holidays).

I do however have an advantage on you. Having already done this once I know that the majority of these symptoms will lift once my little one arrives, and although sleep deprivation is real and hard (my DS didn't sleep for more than an hour at a time until he was 15 months) it is worth it. I sat in a quiet cinema today with my DS holding my hand and just watched his rapt face watching the screen and absolutely melted in love. I can't wait to do it again. Stick with it - pregnancy has been the worst time of my life both times around but it is worth it.

I hated being pregnant - labour was much less trouble!

My best friend always knew she was pregnant when a wave of unreasonable rage arose. From then on everything annoyed or enraged her. It stayed until she had the baby and then disappeared without trace.

Don't worry - there is no reason to suppose that you will be an angry parent.

There are sunny times ahead.

I was an absolute cool cucumber with my first pregnancy. I used to say all these ladies loosing their shit while pregnant they are just using pregnancy as an excuse, they need to keep it together. Second time around I had few moments but I think I handled them well and there was no major explosions. Now third time around I was a loose cannon. I was a fucking nightmare especially when it came closer to the end. My nesting was out control and I was ready to smash anyone who stood in my way. The good news is that the baby was 1 week late, house was spotless and ready. I was nice and relaxed when I came home and I am not a loose cannon anymore. Well may be a little bit, but I got 3 kids now ;)

So glad I noticed this thread. I've really been struggling with not enjoying being pregnant. I'm so excited to have a baby but like you, OP, I've found it hard so many things being out of my control. I'm also so much more emotional, when I pride myself on being quite steely normally!

I've been very honest with DH, close friends and family about how I feel and that has helped massively. I think the glow thing is a myth tbh - it may be how others perceive you but for me it's more important how you feel inside.

AntiGrinch - DP is lovely in that he is funny and sweet and emotionally supportive (mostly!). He is sodding useless around the house. When we first were dating and lived together he worked much longer hours and so I contributed more time and housework etc. Now that we both work long hours it hasn't changed.

The things that annoy me- e.g. If he sleeps in late or is sick I will probably use the time to at least attempt something useful. I might sit around and watch TV but I'll also get a meal made, put some washing on. He has said quite clearly that he will not do any housework that he works hard and doesn't want to spend his downtime doing that. We can get a cleaner but a cleaner won't fix it- he literally wants to live like Bertie Wooster with someone picking up after his every move. I did not expect that the dynamic would continue in this way.

When I have been sick/otherwise occupied he sits around reading the paper. If I do ask him to do anything he never does it straight away and bristles if I complain because he feels like I am barking orders. Fine, it's rare that something needs to be done straight away - but e.g if your task is to get x from the shop for lunch and it's already lunchtime then when exactly do you expect us to eat? He'll only think about it when he's already hungry (by which point it'll turn into oh I just got a pizza because was hungry instead of whatever More nutritious meal we planned).

Small thing now, but I can see that if it is running out to get nappies because we've run out...well you can't wrap a frozen pizza around a baby's bum and make do?

So thinking ahead to all the baby stuff that will need to be done and fact that I will be doing it all is making me quite resentful.

I still say that DP is lovely because I accept that no one is perfect and in lots of other ways he is great. I am having a girl but if I had a boy I would hope to bring him up to pick up after himself.

Sorry that was a rambling essay.

On the pain/ lack of structural integrity, as I understand it the back/ tailbone pain and SPD type issues that some people have come because of the relaxin etc and my ass is literally splitting in two atm

Like dissolving into a rag doll.

Aurelia, his attitude to housework, and by extension to you, is a huge issue. It sounds as if you have tried to address this (I am guessing this from "he has made it clear....") and you now need external help to address it again or you will go mad. I mean quite literally, you will go stark staring mad. The recovery from living with the cognitive dissonance of living with a man who refused to acknowledge, let alone do, housework, is still going on in my case and is costing £££.

If you wrote a letter, would he read it?
If you asked someone else to talk to him, would he listen to them? His friend, his mum, someone else trusted?
Could you get him to counselling to hear this from someone else?

This unfairness, the resentment and anger resulting from it, his refusal to engage, and your attempts to keep thinking of him as a nice guy, the exhaustion of the actual physical doing of it all - honestly. It will Drive. You. Mad. That is: he will drive you mad. He will damage (is damaging) your mental health.

Please listen to your feelings on this.

Oh OP... That would be very stressful at the best of times. Although my DH doesn't do anywhere near as much housework/cooking as me, he works longer hours out of the house and does every morning-wake-up with the kids and lets me sleep in a bit and does pretty much every bed time, unless there is a specific reason he can't. Is there a danger your DP will think of baby work as 'housework' that automatically gets delegated to you?

Also 21 weeks and hate being preg but I've got antenatal depression so hard to distinguish what is normal feeling shit and what are MH issues. Have definitely had some rage mixed in! It ebbs and flows.

Having a newborn isn't an extension of being pregnant, you will have your body back (to a degree) and soul back unless you are high risk for PND, just don't be afraid to reach out for help if you are still feeling very low post baby.

I'm due Jan 9th, how about you?

AntiGrinch- I hear what you're saying. Something does need to be done about it.

I blame myself for letting us get into this trap. We did have a phase where we fought about it because I expected us to share things more.

We need to get a cleaner, that much is clear. I have neither the time or willingness to do everything - and we currently live in a slum because I refuse to/ don't have time for stuff. But home needs to be at a place where everything has a place before can get a cleaner so it's a bit of a vicious circle.

Part of it is that he does not see stuff that I do (but then when he does moan about not being able to find a shirt etc i say he doesn't get to moan if he doesn't want to do anything). Partly he thinks it is legitimate to outsource everything and that if I don't want to get a cleaner that's my own fault. But you can't outsource everything.

I know it is foolish to try to change someone and it is a mistake to read in disrespect etc and taking me for granted (as I have done in the past).

I think I need to be v clear when I go on mat leave that just because I am not working then that I don't do everything- because you get lumbered with it afterwards.

I think the housework battle is lost but I'm preparing for the childcare sharing battle (which is more impt, because it doesn't matter if the dishes don't get done until cleaner comes). And one of the things which is stressing me out is thinking about the challenge that going back to work will be...when we struggle to look after ourselves.

I'm not deluded as to DP's faults. I just know that they are quite common, that it's not going to change and I need to change how I respond to it, and that they're not deal breaker issues. But you're right that the fear of how things are going to get worse is driving me potty.

Shouting at him achieves nothing though because then I'm just in the wrong for shouting

Little wing soul- your message came in as I was typing another essay.

I think you're right that it's a definite risk. Hence the resentment about how much it's going to change my life. And the realisation of why women don't get to progress at the same rate as men in my field...it's the classic second/third shift as well as perceptions etc.

I'm due Jan 4th! I'm sorry you've struggled/ struggling with MH issues. Its made harder by our attitudes to mh issues. Must feel pretty rotten at times x

Oh and on counselling. Refuses to go because thinks he is smarter than anyone else and what could they teach him. Hmmm....

I will try again on the counselling but he does think it's about being unhappy in our relationship so gets freaked out. I think it's a really sensible thing to do before your relationship has this whole new shock. Did you just have the one session? Sorry if I mixed up posts, bit hard to scroll back on my phone!

I read your response afterwards too! With all respect, not all men are like this and it will only amplify once you have a LO to look after. Even in a very united front of parenting, where there is no resentment about housework, sleep, dealing with children, you end up with a lot less time to yourselves as individuals and also as a couple. Throw in any resentment and anger bubbling under the surface and you have a recipe for disaster. You need to be able to come back to each other for comfort and support after a long day/week/month dealing with kids, behavioural issues, anything else going on in your life, when you are constantly having to think of others before yourself (i.e. the kids!)

I hope I don't upset you in anything I say but it appears you kind of already know this deep down anyway.

My original date i worked out was 4th Jan, and it may end up being closer to that as going for an elective csection.

Oh and you are right Re work and career progress too, sadly. Having an ally in my DH helps to an extent. I've had 2 career breaks due to maternity and about to have a 3rd. He earns about 5x what I do - go figure

Aurelia - we had one session because I was literally about to have a baby by the time the date came through and we just couldn't commit to doing more. We should have had more but not with that counsellor.

I think you are hugely in denial about how big this is and that it honestly is about disrespect. You are taking on a huge amount in seeing it as your job to accommodate this selfishness. I am worried about you. You also seem to have ambitions at work, which he will definitely not be remotely sympathetic to.

He should be thinking that counselling is about something wrong in your relationship, which it is. As much as the housework, the "knowing everything" is terrifying. Been there. And of course you can't win when you shout. But you have tried everything else: talking sweetly, talking firmly but calmly, not talking but waiting to see if he realises.... eventially only shouting is left, and then you have Transgressed and this is the only time he acknowledges you have said anything at all - to tell you off for your Transgression.

This is a ticking time bomb. Your relationship will not stay the distance unless he starts to listen on this one, and changes his behaviour. It's not in your hands. It's not in your power to decide it doesn't matter. I am telling you as surely as if you had found him seeing call girls, this is huge and it is not within your power to minimise it, no matter how much you want to.

Sorry. I'm being like this because I was you. I'm single now and I sometimes wonder whether we'd be together if I had found a way of being more assertive about this. I tried to put up with it but it is just not possible.

And this "you can't outsource everything". no of course you can't, still less than you already know, when you have a baby. This is perfectly clear to you. But not to him, because he doesn't understand it. This is a huge part of the issue - that you have expertise and understanding that he does not and he will not listen. He thinks he is above you. this is absolutely massive.

Thanks both, appreciate your thoughts. I last mentioned counselling about a month ago and dropped it because he seemed freaked out about relationship. I will pursue again. I think resentment can absolutely wear away at a relationship and I don't want that to happen nor is it fair to bring a kid into something unstable.

It's funny the things you don't spot at first. He is very supportive of my work and helped me massively get and change jobs and generally a good source of advice. But I started getting involved in women's issues/groups at work and reading the literature/data on unconscious bias etc and why the promotion/pay gap still exists (entrants in my field have been equal men/women for 20 years without the partnership level catching up). Was chatting with him one night and he just thought it was down to biology and women having kids, like it was inevitable/ a choice and he could not see that unconscious bias was a thing. Was really really annoyed and upset- you assume your other half is at least as enlightened as you!!

You've given me the kick up the backside to look into/ really sort out counselling. For myself to learn anger management techniques and to stay calm and as a couple to get him to see the housework/ division of labour issue is a real problem.

Make sure you find the counsellor, and make sure she is a feminist. Many people, including counsellors, are very sexist and don't see a problem with the things you (and I) see problems with. you don't want the status quo to be shored up by some patronising maternal authority figure going "men don't see dirt in the same way. now how can we help you deal with your hormonal feelings in a way that's a bit nicer for your husband?"
you may think I'm joking but it's a real risk.

(He is of course rejecting the notion of unconscious bias because it's part of his self image as genuinely better at everything than everyone else, including and especially women)

(On unconscious bias- He said something about not having experienced any of those issues and I was like.....well of course you bloody haven't! You're a white privately educated male, the roadblocks don't exist for you! I was stunned that he thought that not being from a posh background (parents didn't go to uni) made him outside the scope of privilege. Similarly a colleague who describes himself as brown said that women shouldn't struggle with being the only woman in the room because he is often the only brown person...not all minority identities experience the same issues... I despair slightly...well, a lot).