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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH's behaviour here is problematic?

68 replies

LondonHerbivore32 · 29/08/2017 17:17

DH and I work in very different industries, him entertainment and me law. That means we have wildly different schedules and see very little of each other despite living in the same house.

We had agreed to take a week off work at the same time, to spend some quality time together and to celebrate a significant birthday for me (I'm older than my screen name Blush ).

I've just discovered that while he has booked the week of from his main day job in entertainment, he has scheduled three gigs with his second job that week, one at the other end of the country.

That means we lose one day to him going to that gig, then the day after for recovery if the comes back overnight, or travel if he doesn't until the next day. Then on the other two gigs he's unlikely to be able to get up and do anything before at least lunchtime the next day due to the late nights. So a large proportion of his time that week is lost to gigging and then recovering from gigging.

AIBU to be fuming about this, as I have been discussing lots of nice possible days out with him for that week and to want to throttle the rest of his bloody band? I should note he's in charge of their bookings.....

OP posts:
RandomMess · 29/08/2017 17:19

He's been s thoughtless, selfish arse. I'd be hurt and fuming...

KityGlitr · 29/08/2017 17:29

Yeah YANBU. I assume he knew that you wanted the week booking off to spend time together?

Does he earn well from this band or is it just a hobby thing? I used to date musicians pretty much exclusively (not on purpose, just I am one myself so came across a lot and gelled over shared interest) but as I've got older I'd be wary of doing it again as without fail they all tended to prioritise their band and bandmates above literally all else.

I'd be fuming.

Jaxhog · 29/08/2017 17:33

YANBU. No question.

SparklingBollox · 29/08/2017 17:33

Yanbu, you have booked time off to spend rare time together. I hardly ever see my DP either so know what it is like.
I would be upset actually.
What are you going to do?

SonicBoomBoom · 29/08/2017 17:34

You want a birthday whole-week celebration?

YABU.

Stressalot42 · 29/08/2017 17:35

He's not spending time with you! I'd be asking him why?

schoolgaterebel · 29/08/2017 17:36

YANBU

Original poster
LondonHerbivore32 · 29/08/2017 17:36

Thanks for the replies. I'm torn between fuming and rolling my eyes, shrugging and planning nice things to do on my own on those days.

As I know he simply won't get why this is an issue. Despite me making it completely clear what the week was for and what the plans could be.

He doesn't earn much from the band at all, it's closer to a hobby that he wants to turn into a career. The main day job in sound engineering is his livelihood. I'd mind less, if the band was his main wage.

OP posts:
cushioncovers · 29/08/2017 17:41

Yanbu

ClashCityRocker · 29/08/2017 17:44

Not ideal, but could you perhaps go with him and make a mini break of it?

Sparkletastic · 29/08/2017 17:45

Can you arrange a last minute break with a friend to celebrate your birthday? I would leave DH to contemplate the error of his ways if I were you....

blankface · 29/08/2017 17:45

I should note he's in charge of their bookings

Then he can re-arrange their bookings for a different week.
Sorted.

quercuscircus · 29/08/2017 17:47

YANBU. I'd be disappointed too.

The point was to holiday together and why not with a big birthday ocming up. Nothing abnormal with feeling let down and a bit rejected in this situation. I'd be very :( it is s rubbish :( have some early Cake tho

FallingOrbit · 29/08/2017 17:47

Just to share an alternative perspective...

My ex and I frequently had this problem, it's one of the reasons why we split. I've always had a busy schedule and she did literally sod all (I am aware that this is NOT the case with you, before anyone starts)

But the point being, someone used to a busy schedule with all sorts of things going on might find it difficult (either in terms of getting a whole week off literally everything or just "emotionally" - not the perfect word but I can't think of a better one)

I can understand why you're miffed, but wouldn't him taking the week off his dayjob be a massive improvement over the normal week even if he does still have to do work related stuff at night?

Not having a go in the slightest so don't get me wrong.

KityGlitr · 29/08/2017 17:47

If a grown adult man who is capable of going to work as a sound engineer and learning an instrument well enough to play with others 'doesn't get it' despite knowing you wanted to spend time together and having your feelings explained to him then I've got some bad news... he's choosing not to get it. Easier to pretend he doesn't know what the huge deal is than actually listen to you and change what he wants to be doing.

WineAndTiramisu · 29/08/2017 18:01

Next time, book a proper holiday, then he can't! YADNBU

MissMHannah · 29/08/2017 18:08

YANBU

Allthewaves · 29/08/2017 18:10

It shows how little he values you tbh. He's put his band before you.

britbat23 · 29/08/2017 18:11

Well, happy 85th birthday, LondonHerbivore32!

Huppopapa · 29/08/2017 18:13

It is just possible that the gigs are a cover for a pleasant surprise but that unlikely possibility aside, this is really quite sad. I have had wildly different schedules with partners. There is no more effective way of showing how much you value the other to say to the other drains on your time that no, sorry, LH32 comes first for this week. Everyone should understand and I challenge any who doesn't to complain.
Might it be worth trying to explain to him that you had only booked the time off on the understanding you would be spending time together and that his absence hurts like it wouldn't normally?
Brew

Northernparent68 · 29/08/2017 18:15

How involved in the planning of the week off was he ?

quercuscircus · 29/08/2017 18:16

Fallingorbit the might be your experience, but it doesn't sound like the OP had planned to sit around doing sod all - there were outings/ activites suggested and planned. The DH could presumably make his own suggestions of what to do - he isn't a helpless passenger.

Sadly seems he'd rather be doing something else. Whatever the motive for him being so rude and going against what they agreed; it hurts.

Original poster
LondonHerbivore32 · 29/08/2017 18:36

Grin I'm not 85 yet!!!!!! Just (sadly) rather far beyond 32 now.

He was involved in the planning and the whole thing was discussed as being a week at home to do some nice things, relax and to see family.

If he didn't want to take the whole week off, that would have been fine, if it had been discussed at the time of agreeing the plan. But to find out what he's actually doing by seeing it on a shared calendar, that sort of stung.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 29/08/2017 18:45

This would more than sting. I'd tell him how I feel and ask him what steps he is going to take to show me he was prioritising our relationship, as failing to turn up to agreed time together which has been effort and cost to organise ( annual leave has value) because he organised something else is a pretty big middle finger to you and the relationship.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/08/2017 18:46

If all he does is arrange the band's bookings, why does he need to go to the gigs?

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