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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think DH's behaviour here is problematic?

68 replies

LondonHerbivore32 · 29/08/2017 17:17

DH and I work in very different industries, him entertainment and me law. That means we have wildly different schedules and see very little of each other despite living in the same house.

We had agreed to take a week off work at the same time, to spend some quality time together and to celebrate a significant birthday for me (I'm older than my screen name ).

I've just discovered that while he has booked the week of from his main day job in entertainment, he has scheduled three gigs with his second job that week, one at the other end of the country.

That means we lose one day to him going to that gig, then the day after for recovery if the comes back overnight, or travel if he doesn't until the next day. Then on the other two gigs he's unlikely to be able to get up and do anything before at least lunchtime the next day due to the late nights. So a large proportion of his time that week is lost to gigging and then recovering from gigging.

AIBU to be fuming about this, as I have been discussing lots of nice possible days out with him for that week and to want to throttle the rest of his bloody band? I should note he's in charge of their bookings.....

OP posts:

MyRedPepper · 30/08/2017 10:22

I have one like this...
It destroyed the whole relationhsip.

Please don't settle for that.

MyRedPepper · 30/08/2017 10:26

harsh really? You would feel claustrophobic spending a week with your partner?
Do yoU ever go away on hols together?
Because that's what the OP is talking about. One week of hols together. A staycation rathervthan a vacation. But still a holiday.

And it seems that you say that wanting to spend a week hol together is not a normal thing to do as it is suffocating...

SenatorBunghole · 30/08/2017 10:27

There'd be nothing wrong with him being an arty, band prioritising, just on the cusp of making it type if he'd been open about it. If he'd said no, I can't commit to a full week because gigging is more important to me and I'm not willing to turn down any opportunity. Then you both know where you are.

But you don't agree to keep a week free to spend together and then not do it. We're not even talking about just the one gig here either! Yes, his behaviour is problematic.

ReanimatedSGB · 30/08/2017 10:40

As PP have said, a week of 'nice things and relaxing' is pretty vague. If OP had nothing specific booked, he probably thought, well we can do things on the non-gig days and that will be enough. Either that or he knows that what will actually happen is... nothing much. 'Relaxing' to some people means sitting around at home, which can feel like an almighty waste of time.

RandomMess · 30/08/2017 10:43

It sounded to me like it was supposed to be staycation.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 30/08/2017 10:47

You really need to sit down and speak to him, tell him how let down you feel, and how you were so looking forward to spending quality time together. Maybe he'll be able to alter his selfish plans, I hope so.🌸

SenatorBunghole · 30/08/2017 11:07

The OP says they had agreed to take a week off to spend some quality time together. That's not vague enough to encompass him going gigging and recovering for most of it. There isn't a way to construe this that doesn't involve him reneging on what they'd agreed.

ReanimatedSGB · 30/08/2017 13:55

Depends what 'spending quality time together' actually means to both partners. Maybe OP is the sort for whom 'quality time' means endless discussions of Where Our Relationship Is Going, which a lot of people, particularly those with an absorbing hobby, would want to duck out of as much as possible. Maybe it means doing a lot of chores round the house together. Maybe the only way this relationship is sustainable is if they don't see too much of each other - if she finds his music boring and he finds her lack of musical knowledge boring, then they are not really compatible, are they?

ClemDanfango · 30/08/2017 14:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SenatorBunghole · 30/08/2017 14:06

It doesn't, really. There isn't any definition of spending quality time
together that could realistically incorporate what the DP is planning for the week.

What you seem to be saying is that OPs definition of spending quality time together is potentially boring to DP. Which could well be true, but is a different argument altogether. And the point here is that if he feels like this, he shouldn't have made a promise and then not kept it.

There's nothing wrong with him wanting to spend his week off playing gigs and having interminable to outsiders conversations about his particular niche in the music scene. There's a lot wrong with doing that when you've said you'll do something else, and haven't bothered mentioning it to the person who you've agreed plans with. He's being highly inconsiderate.

Eemamc · 30/08/2017 15:15

Is he in an originals or a covers band? If he's in a covers band can he not dep out one or two of the gigs?

5foot5 · 30/08/2017 15:35

If he hadn't booked the week off from his main day job would he even have been able to do all of these gigs up and down the country? It sounds like he is taking advantage of the the planned week off to fit in more time for the things that he prioritises rather than the things that you discussed.

To say I would not be pleased is an understatement

ReanimatedSGB · 30/08/2017 16:10

He might also have interpreted 'spending time together' as OP going to the gigs with him! If all she's said about the planned week was 'let's spend some time together and relax' rather than making specific arrangements (eg a trip to the seaside/seeing a show/going for a country walk) he could argue that travelling to a gig, particularly if it's in a different but attractive city, could be fun for them both.
Maybe he wishes OP would actually show a little more interest in his music and this is his (possibly not all that effective) way of trying to get her to do so.
Because it could be the case that OP is being a bit unreasonable to expect a whole week of her H giving in to her every whim and doing stuff that bores the shit out of him, even for a 'significant' birthday.

SeaCabbage · 30/08/2017 16:14

Sounds like this is the kind of thing your future holds.

Do you normally manage to spend annual leave together?

AcrossthePond55 · 30/08/2017 16:35

As far as the gigs go, there are gigs and there are gigs. If your DH wants to make a go of a performing career some gigs can't or shouldn't be turned down.

My DS1 was a musician in a band that was trying hard to get their 'big break'. Some gigs were just fun, but some of them (even if small venues or out of the way places) were important because music 'people' were going to be there or because the band that was headlining or on the venue with them was one that might be able to give them exposure or help them make contacts in the industry.

If these gigs are important for his career, then I'd let it slide and make plans on my own. If they're just 'fun' gigs, then I'd have a stern word!

SenatorBunghole · 30/08/2017 16:36

He cannot legitimately have interpreted 'spending quality time together' for the week as OP going to the gigs with him reanimatedSGB. They would have to be apart when he is performing unless she goes on the stage too. He also cannot think her travelling with him would be quality time, because she sits there in silence, bored by the talking shop (which is all it is really: it's no different to a group of accountants having a giggle about the latest changes in tax law, or people who work in a shop gossiping about the manager's love life). If he does think that, in some ways that's even worse than him shitting on his promise.

Again, what you're saying is that you think OP might BU to want/expect him to spend a week with her. But he's already agreed to it. Your arguments would've been valid if he'd said no and OP was asking if she was BU to be upset at him refusing to spend the week with her. But he didn't say no, and if he has now decided he's had a better offer, the onus is on him to not be a dick and to say so.

harshbuttrue1980 · 30/08/2017 17:29

I really don't get what's wrong with having a week where you spend quality time together doing nice things BUT each partner gets some time to do things they like with their friends or hobbies.

There does seem to be something a bit entitled about saying "my birthday is about celebrating me, me, me, and all week you will not be able to have any time to yourself at all". And to the person querying about what I do on holiday, yes, I do go with my DP. However, there will be days on the holiday where I want to browse around a market and he wants to do some sports, and that's fine. Holidays, whether abroad or at home, are precious, and shouldn't be dictated by just one person, both people have got to enjoy themselves.

SenatorBunghole · 30/08/2017 17:42

Where are you seeing that OP doesn't want DH to have any time to himself at all? She doesn't want him to spend the majority of the week doing something different to what they'd agreed, a significant minority of it not in the same place as her even. So not at all like your holiday example.

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