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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH's behaviour here is problematic?

68 replies

LondonHerbivore32 · 29/08/2017 17:17

DH and I work in very different industries, him entertainment and me law. That means we have wildly different schedules and see very little of each other despite living in the same house.

We had agreed to take a week off work at the same time, to spend some quality time together and to celebrate a significant birthday for me (I'm older than my screen name Blush ).

I've just discovered that while he has booked the week of from his main day job in entertainment, he has scheduled three gigs with his second job that week, one at the other end of the country.

That means we lose one day to him going to that gig, then the day after for recovery if the comes back overnight, or travel if he doesn't until the next day. Then on the other two gigs he's unlikely to be able to get up and do anything before at least lunchtime the next day due to the late nights. So a large proportion of his time that week is lost to gigging and then recovering from gigging.

AIBU to be fuming about this, as I have been discussing lots of nice possible days out with him for that week and to want to throttle the rest of his bloody band? I should note he's in charge of their bookings.....

OP posts:
Original poster
LondonHerbivore32 · 30/08/2017 08:39

He doesn't just arrange their bookings. He plays guitar and sings too, so he has to be there for gigs.

OP posts:
Isadora2007 · 30/08/2017 08:43

Yanbu
But how you deal with it now matters too. Has he got previous history of making his own plans despite verbal agreements about plans with you?
Can you go with his band and make days out possible?

ShatnersWig · 30/08/2017 08:52

He was involved in the planning and the whole thing was discussed as being a week at home to do some nice things, relax and to see family.

This is the crux of it for me. I'd be fuming. His behaviour is not "problematic" in my opinion but "concerning". Despite agreeing that this week off was to be spent together, he has unilaterally decided to ignore this and spend a fair amount of the time with his band rather than with you and family. Bearing in mind how little you see of one another, I think this is pretty shit and suggests you're pretty low in his list of priorities and in your shoes I'd be starting to think the same about him. I'd be discussing this and making it abundantly clear you are unhappy. I'd be taking a long hard look at my future with this person too.

Original poster
LondonHerbivore32 · 30/08/2017 08:55

I'm certainly not going to travel with them, firstly because it validates his behaviour. Secondly because the band are all crashing music bores when they get together, staying up into the early hours talking about only their type of music and others on the gig circuit. On the few occasions I have accompanied him, I often end up sitting in silence listening to them drone on.

He makes his own plans always, often disregarding important things most would automatically do, like spending some time with me after returning from travelling for weeks for a job. Instead scheduling a gig for the first weekend night he's back.

OP posts:
Tilapia · 30/08/2017 08:56

YANBU, I would feel sad and disappointed about this.

paq · 30/08/2017 08:59

He sounds selfish, self-centred and, tbh, not that into you.

Dare I suggest you could do better?

ShatnersWig · 30/08/2017 09:01

OP We cross posted, but having read your update, I am even more of the opinion that the rot has probably already set in. You deserve better. If you don't get it, I'd be calling time on this marriage or at least firing a warning shot across his bows that he's in danger of losing you. Sadly, I have an awful feeling he may not be that fussed. If the marriage ends, what changes for him? He can gig even more.

geekone · 30/08/2017 09:02

Book your self a few days in a spa hotel. Go relax and enjoy. Tell him he can come along to the whole 3 days or not at all. YANBU Angry

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 30/08/2017 09:11

Wild guess, but bet they are either folkies or jazz musicians.
I'd be incredibly angry-I take it that it's not a money thing btw, my bil was a pt musician and for them it was a major part of their finances. I think a major conversation is needed to discuss how much value he places in your relationship.

CockacidalManiac · 30/08/2017 09:17

He does sound selfish and self-obsessed.

Zaphodsotherhead · 30/08/2017 09:20

What about letting him gig but dragging him up out of bed in the mornings to do the activities you had planned? Don't let him have all day to 'recover', that time was booked off to do stuff, so masked him get up and actually do it!

A couple of days on only two hours sleep and he might see the point of having the time properly 'off', not as extended hobby-time!

Firesuit · 30/08/2017 09:38

the whole thing was discussed as being a week at home to do some nice things, relax and to see family.

To me a week described like that would sound like an empty space waiting to be filled by things I might actually enjoy. And that's even assuming I liked my spouse.

(I literally would hardly register the described activities, because they don't sound like things one would plan to do, just a default use of time when nothing better is on offer.)

mawbroon · 30/08/2017 09:40

Hmm. I see both sides.
I am a gigging musician and DH understands that playing music does me good and I feel restless if I don't gig for a while.
However, he enjoys the music and my pals are not music bores so he is happy to come along now and again when babysitting permits.

I earn decent money gigging though and made it clear at the start that this was my job, same as his. Also, being self employed, time off costs money.
Summer is hectic for us, but we see more of each other over the winter.

Firesuit · 30/08/2017 09:41

Well, obviously by definition "nice things" are nice, but only the actual concrete individual things, the collective abstract "nice things" just sounds like wishful think rather than a concrete plan to do anything actually enjoyable. Even if we assume there were concrete plans for particular nice things, they may not have been equally appealing to both.

ShatnersWig · 30/08/2017 09:44

firesuit This is a marriage where two people hardly see each other due to their jobs. The point of the week was to actually spend some time with each other. You don't necessarily need concrete plans, you can wake up and say "weather's shit, let's do X" or "weather's great, let's go to the coast" or whatever. So when you agree to spend a week together and unilaterally decide to spend a fair percentage of it without your OH, that's a pretty clear sign something's wrong in my book.

Ttbb · 30/08/2017 09:45

You may also have to take into consideration that not everyone can really afford to take a week off. I assume that you are working at a firm and are using contractual annual leave. Taking time off on the odd occasion isn't going to effect your career progression but what about his? How successful is he in his industry? Is he still chafing success? Is he worried about loosing relevance? He may not feel like he is able to take the time off. He may feel guilt or shame if there is a major difference between your incomes or job security. Just talk to him about it.

YouTheCat · 30/08/2017 09:47

That's a bit shit. If the gigs are dotted through the week you can't even book to have a few days away somewhere with him.

I'd make some plans by yourself, or with a friend, and totally leave him out of it so when he has a free day and asks what you have planned he can be left sitting on his arse.

Anatidae · 30/08/2017 09:51

Yanbu.

A similar situation triggered the breakup of a decade long relationship for me. He'd used almost all his vacation time for the year on his hobby. Managed to get him to promise to take a week off nd we went camping.

On day one, he announced that we were in fact not going to do the hike we'd planned then a nice pub tea, he was going to do a three day race, then we'd have to go home because he'd actually used all of his holiday and hadn't told me.

Reader, I did not marry him.

ikeadyounot · 30/08/2017 09:59

I would be very hurt and upset. I also have a big birthday coming up, and my DH has to work that day, which I'm slightly sad about - but he has no choice in this matter and he is taking the next two days off, plus the weekend, and has promised a trip abroad. The fact that it's really voluntary rather than being unavoidable work in your DP's case makes a difference.

I think marriages come in many different sorts - there are some where couples rarely see each other, and others where couples are inseparable. And those and every shade inbetween can be successful. However, problems start where one party is keen on one lifestyle, while another wants to live another kind of way - there is then a practical and emotional conflict there that needs to be resolved. You sound pretty laidback about the amount of time you spend together in general, but the birthday thing is raising an unusual conflict that needs more discussion between you.

RiseToday · 30/08/2017 10:00

Assuming you had both agreed you would spend the whole week together?

If so, yes he's a selfish, self absorbed arse.

GeorgiePeachie · 30/08/2017 10:03

I think if you get involved with the arty band type you have to know that this kind of thing happens... Yes he could NOT book those dates, but that's turning down work and 'joy' of the gig.

Try and make the best of it and don't be pouting through the time he does have with you. The rest of the time, plan for things that you will enjoy. do not wallow in how much he has let you down (WHICH HE HAS)

Doesn't sound like there's anything you can do about it.

harshbuttrue1980 · 30/08/2017 10:07

I would feel utterly claustrophobic if my DP insisted that I had a week living in his pocket to celebrate his birthday. A week is a very long time to just be 1:1 with someone, and I don't think you can demand that, even if it is your birthday! Surely he can do some things with you during the week, but also get a bit of time to do some things he wants to do? You could have a long weekend just the two of you, rather than making it be a whole week?

ReanimatedSGB · 30/08/2017 10:09

A relationship where you don't see much of each other clearly suits him - and I can see his point. Musicians (along with sports people, actors etc) really do put their art ahead of other things. But it sounds like this has always been the case and now you are suddenly fussing about The Relationship and demanding a romance-novel level of his undivided attention, which may not have been what he signed up for.
Also, though he is the one who books the gigs, that doesn't mean other band members might not ask/demand that specific gigs be booked. If, as you say, he and his bandmates are hoping for more success, they may collectively feel that they should never turn down an offered gig.
You are pretty dismissive of the band, as well, while it's clearly very important to him. Maybe the two of you just are incompatible and the cracks are finally showing.

reetgood · 30/08/2017 10:13

I'm with an arty type, being an arty type myself and it's not ok to book in gigs without consulting or at least notifying your oh. Particularly when they're the other side of the country, especially if it's time you'd booked to spend together.

My response would be to really stress how hurtful I found that he'd booked without notifying me. And that he didn't need to get it, he just needs to accept that's how I feel. And schedule myself some nice stuff in.

StormTreader · 30/08/2017 10:13

Pretend you havent seen the bookings, start talking about firm plans "id like to go to x restaurant on my birthday night I think, what time would be good do you think so i can make the reservation?"

Make him tell you to your face "we wont be doing that because I booked a gig for my band instead".

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