...to be shocked that my DM has sent me an itemised bill for staying at her house?

[UmBankroll]

Sorry it's a long one. NC as I know some friends and family are Mumsnetters...

So, here's the story:

I'm the only child of a single mother, now in my mid-20s, moved abroad by myself when I was 18 to pursue my career. I come back to the UK every year to visit and stay with my mother for 2-3 weeks generally. Got married to my DH (who is a national of the country I live in) last year, and since getting married we have paid to stay in hotels nearby to my mother's house whenever we visit (3 times in the past 18 months).

This summer DH and I had the flexibility of being able to stay in the UK for longer, due to the fact that I quit my job and he had over a month off work. When discussing our plans with my mother during our visit back in February, she suggested we stay at her house rather than shell out for hotel accommodation for such a long time (prices are very high where she lives - prime location). DH and I were both happy with the idea so we agreed to it.

My mother's house needed a bit of attention in order to make it really comfortable for the 3 of us to co-habit for a month or so. Over a period of 3 months prior to our stay, I discussed with her the things she wanted fixing/changing as well as the alterations I wanted to make to my bedroom & bathroom. We agreed on all the refurbishments and I basically project managed from abroad whilst my mother handled things at the property. DH and I paid for absolutely everything. From two completely new bathrooms, new wooden floors throughout the whole house and new kitchen appliances, to a big new TV for the living room and lots of soft furnishings. DH and I spent upwards of £16k on all the updates (most of it on labour costs...!) and my mother was so happy with it, as were we during our stay. It ended up costing more than a hotel would have, but at least it's an investment in the property rather than just throwing the money away.

Since DH and I came back home just over a week ago, I received an email from my mother with a PDF attachment of an itemised bill for our stay at her house, listing the prices of literally everything down to the hand soap, bath towels and bed linen. Even food (although we regularly ate out or bought our own food from the supermarket and cooked for the 3 of us), and a % of the electricity bill and council tax. The bill she has written - addressed to me only - amounts to over £2000.

As a bit of back story, my mother has been struggling professionally of late (her roles are freelance and have been few and far between for quite some time) and I have bailed her out of a few financial troubles on several occasions over the past few years. At the end of last year, DH and I agreed to help her by taking over her monthly mortgage payment of £2500, which I have transferred monthly to her account ever since. It appears she has massively taken her foot off the gas in terms of trying to find work since we are taking care of this monthly payment. She's in her early 50s and in good health, but keeps dropping rather unsubtle hints about wanting to retire and be a full-time grandma (I'm pregnant with our first).

AIBU to be shocked and quite frankly appalled that she has sent me an itemised bill for the stay which SHE suggested in the first place, especially considering all the financial support we've been giving her anyway, plus taking care of renovating her home to the spec she wanted? AIBU to refuse to pay this bill? And AIBU to think she is seeing my DH (who is very successful) and I as one big meal ticket? It's unfair, it's embarrassing, it's putting an unnecessary pressure on my DH, and we are starting our own family and need to take care of ourselves - we can't bankroll her forever. I really don't know how to react or respond as I don't want to destroy my relationship with my mother, but I'm lost for words that she's taken it this far.

To be honest OP, you've been throwing your money around like confetti for so long, it's hardly surprising that she is trying it on for a little more.
You have created the environment in which this seems entirely reasonable to your mother.

Reflooring and putting new bathrooms into a house to make it more 'comfortable' for you to visit is profligacy beyond the comprehension of most of us here.

Lots of people have said that your mum is unreasonable, but really, you created this.

Not sure how helpful some
Posters are being here. The high income threads always attracts attention and not always helpful attention at that.

It doesn't matter how many 000's are
Involved here, it's clear that your Mum sees you and your DH as folk to
Fund her lifestyle. I think she's also telling you lies in order to continue the cash-cow. Be firm.

I do agree that the op has helped create a dynamic where her mum sees it as normal that she pays for everything. She pays the mortgage. She's coming to stay so she happily refurbishes the house. The size of the sums of money are irrelevant - this behaviour has built an expectation that the op will pay for everything.

You've had good advice above op - this is about making your mum aware that her only realistic option is to sell, whether to you or someone else.

(Btw: a poster above mentioned inheritance tax. Just to clarify - if she gives/sells it to you but retains the right to live there until she dies, HMRC will say that she has retained the benefits of ownership and will treat it as part of her estate for IHT purposes.)

I wouldn't let any thoughts regarding possible inheritance affect your decision making in any way - your priority is to get your mum to be financially stable and self sufficient as she may well live another 30-40 years.

are you prtly keeping funding going because its a house you wish to call your home one day,this is why your nottelling her to move to a smaller place? if so could you buy her out.
such a horrible situation to be in.remember when she is telling you how unreasonable you are.this CAN NOT BE TRUE.to read what you have given and funded is truly amazing.and she is one very lucky lady.
my parents would find it impossible to do this for my gran whether they even wanted to or not.so out of choice you've given back and that's wonderful.
some wouldn't.theyd be saving or spending on their own lives and they wouldn't be faulted for it. taking on your mum expenses is lovely.
it must feel very emotional being your mum.im trying to put myself in ur situ and it just hurts lol.so I'm so sorry for you.
could you and you hub wor as a team now to get this sorted.he will be able to be less emotionaly attatched to what she throws at you hence might help you both be stronger in judging what best next.
also if she spends,loses this much,demands this much are you aware of any possible other debts she might have?
could it be worth going over the accounts.
has it deff been stated somewhere legal that you will get the house.and do you no of any other epxenses on it or anything else considering she already had to remorgage and you don't understand why she had to.might just be worth looking into.
my mum and gran had to go through the whole will accounts etc.its not easy but it kind of a must,especially I'm thining if all this is going on.
I'm worried youll be left with more shocks.
and worried after all the goodness you've put in how tragic it would be if you then became out of money.xx

plus she is a very young mum.are you certain you no you can fund her and urselfves fo the next however many years.when will It stop.
what ould happen if you didn't have ur income due to sudden circumstances...xx

Just reply that as you already pay the mortgage you have already paid to stay there. Also discuss putting your name on the deeds.

People aghast at the mortgage, stop it. If you look at house prices, of course many mortgages will be that much or more.

sofa - This isn't a normal situation - it's an interest only mortgage on a house that the OPs mum purchased in the 80s. It is very unusual to have a mortgage that size on a house you've owned for 30 years.

It's quite impossible unusual, isn't it?

Am I the only one desperate to find out which sleb the mother is?

It's all very Edina and Saffy, isn't it?

It's not impossible if someone repeatedly remortgages in order to put a sticking plaster over their inability to live within their means. And lots of people do that (although not always with quite such a large amount).

I was thinking abfab too!

Wow, so hot on the heels of all the CFNs come the CFMs!

Hotel for a month or "save" money by spending £16,000 on mum's house.
You couldn't make it up.
Or could you?grin

You all sound profligate spend thrifts really.

You need wooden floors and new bathrooms for a months stay??

Batshit crazy people

You all need a reality check. Go visit and food bank.

Lots of good advice on this thread OP, all the best sorting things out, if possible before you have your baby.

Someone earlier spoke about implications on inheritance tax if the property is given to you. This link explains it well as inheritance tax is not payable under certain circumstances following the giving away of property.

www.gov.uk/inheritance-tax/passing-on-home

As disheartening as it might feel to be in this situation with your mother, better to know now and be in a position to address the issues and work out a solution.

No practical advice, but my DM took out an endowment policy in the early 90s on a fairly modestly priced and sized property, but struggled to make much of a dent in the mortgage for many years as the assets that the mortgage was set against performed considerably poorer than expected and marketed for.

I also know someone who had debts when graduating from university, but managed to buy a property when prices were very favourable. Due to spending more than he needs, a cycle of car finance and abundant credit culture just over a decade ago, he took and remortgaged and squandered the increased value of his property so the mortgage was now based on peak prices. Throw in a recession which heavily impacted his job security on several occasions, and he came close to having a house that was originally worth 40k being repossessed amid a mountain of debts.

In a world of bad financial products, and "easy credit" I can see how financially naive people end up in these messes.

OP, I hope you can get some sense and co-operation out of your DM and get legal clarification to protect her finances. Either way if she burries her head in the sand, she'll lose the house either by being pushed to downsize, or more likely by being repossessed. Cooperation and openness with you is the only way to keep that home.

Unrecognisable as the 'once kind and compassionate' daughter she thought she raised"
unrecognizable as the 'once kind and compassionately' daughter she thought she raised
Seriously she has some nerve, I think you've gone way over on this daughter duty!

What is the plan then OP?

Could you also answer whether you have seen that the actually mortgage payments are £2.5k? It doesn't seem to add up.

I'd also be worried that the money you are transferring over isn't actually being paid on the mortgage at all.

I'm very sorry you are in this situation. Time for tough love I think. Have you responded to her request yet?

It's false economy to keep paying this mortgage with the view of releasing the capital once you inherit.

If your mum lives 15-20 years, if you take IHT into account you'll be in the red.

She's in her early 50's, chances are she is going to keep taking these vast sums of money from you for 30, 40 years or more. She is mostly dependent on you now, she is soon going to be entirely financially dependent.

I think you have to entirely cut off financial support to her, in order for her to take responsibility for her life, and her finances. There is no reason why you and your DH should be supporting her. If she was destitute then of course it would be different, however she's not. She has a house worth a vast sum of money, and could easily downsize and have a comfortable life, from what you have said.

You say you don't want to destroy your relationship with your DM, but honestly, what sort of relationship is it? It seems entirely based on you giving money, and her demanding more. What sort of relationship is it where a mother bills her DD for a stay? (That's aside from the money you've already spent on the house). She clearly has absolutely no respect for you, and I firmly believe that the only way to restore any kind of "normal" relationship is not give her any money at all, going forward.

Wow

Tell you what, OP, if you care to spend 16K refurbishing my flat (I'd love a new bathroom) you can come and stay with me for free any time you like. I'm in my 50s and single mum to two adult DDs so I fit the bill nicely.

Based upon the amount of money you appear content to spunk away on this house on a monthly basis, 2k is a drop in the ocean. Peanuts

Pay her and stop whining.

OP I suggest you go to the land registry and download the property details. They will tell you what charges are on the house, and I think they also say who the lenders are.

You MUST get the house transferred into your name, but it will mean paying off your mum's mortgage and taking out one of your own.
Failure to do so will likely result in you paying out all this money for no return.
How do you even know she is paying the mortgage with the money you're sending her?

Her crying and guilt tripping you is her being manipulative in order to have her own way. Many people on here can tell you of family members who do this, it's a common tactic to keep the status quo.

Ignore her "bill" for now, until you've had legal advice. You could tell her to take you to court. When the judge hears what you've been paying, there's no way they would judge in her favour.

I'm sorry your mum has done this to you.

Thank you very much @Motoko and all other posters who have offered very constructive and helpful advice.

I'm taking the legal route to get all our ducks in a row, and I have responded to my mother's email (ignoring the bill) and spelling out the only options that DH and I can agree to as a reasonable solution to the situation, namely:

• She sells the house, pays off the mortgage, buys somewhere smaller, and pays us back the monthly payments we have provided to cover the mortgage. We will not ask for the £16k back.

• She transfers ownership of the property fully to us and we have a legally binding agreement to allow her to continue living there, but we cover the mortgage (we would close her ridiculous interest-only deal and get a mortgage in our names from our bank)

• We withdraw all financial support and she has to find a way to cover her own costs and start being self-sufficient again if she refuses to sell or transfer the property into our names.

The above are all options we have previously discussed with her on several occasions, so these suggestions won't be coming out of the blue for her. But my firmer tone will be. Now awaiting her response...

As a footnote to all those who have commented on the price of the renovation works - a couple of points:

• A property in central London worth in the region of £1.9million is by no means a mansion. There are one-bedroom flats that can go for far more than that. It's not an enormous property we're dealing with.
• As I mentioned, the necessary renovations (fixing leaks/damp/rot) were done to the highest standard and then the cosmetic things such as flooring which needed to be done on top were done on a budget - all materials were sourced from B&Q, Homebase, Screwfix, and John Lewis for the laminate flooring.