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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have forgot about a conversation that happened almost a year ago?

55 replies

AC14MUZ · 29/08/2017 15:51

Hi All

I've just had a fall out with my sister in law. I'm currently 4 months pregnant with an 8 month baby, my husband and I are doing it all alone, we have no family support so its just the two of us with our DS the majority of the time. As you can imagine, we are both beyond exhausted.

My brother in law and sister in law were round at the weekend and the topic strayed onto baby names. My sister in law mentioned she liked the name Arya, to which my DH said oh we liked that two, it was one of our favourites. (Whist we did like it, it wasn't our front runner as we always keep that secret until the baby is here).

My sister in law got really upset and said to me, we've talked about this quite a few times, how can you not remember. I seriously have no recollection. Apparently we were in Nando's which I know has to have been at least before my DS was born.

The next day I text her apologising saying I hope we didn't upset her. I got a really awful text back saying how I made her feel like shit and she can't believe I couldn't jog my memory and there is no mutual respect between the two of us. I was so shocked and upset because I genuinely now still cannot remember this conversation. I apologised again saying I didn't do this on purpose, I forgot and still can't remember and I'm upset she would straight away go to such a bad place with this, she should know I'm not a horrible person and wouldn't deliberately make her feel bad. I said I've been exhausted for 18 months and being pregnant with umber 2 has made my memory bad. Again I got an upsetting response back saying we won't see this the same way, she doesn't know what its like to be pregnant but I don't know what its like to undergo IVF (they are currently on their second attempt)

She has been short with me before and I've not told her I was upset because I was trying to be sensitive to the fact they are trying via IVF. So when she does have a go at me I try not to say anything being mindful of what they must be going through.

Moreover a few weeks ago when we were all reminiscing about the birth and we started talking about my c section being awful she said she had no idea I had a c section. And I KNOW we've talked about that on more than on occasion, its on our group text message for a start. I don't want to be catty and retaliate with "well you didn't remember my c section and I didn't make a big deal so why are you making me feel so bad for forgetting a conversation months ago about a name"

Anyway, I know I am exhausted and hormonal so I just want to ask, AIBU for forgetting? AIBU for being upset at how strongly she has reacted? Please go easy on me, I didn't do this deliberately to upset her, I genuinely cannot remember this conversation....

OP posts:
angelikacpickles · 29/08/2017 16:00

She was upset because you didn't remember her favourite baby name? That she told you a year ago? Do I have this right?

If so, YANBU. She is possibly feeling sensitive because of her fertility issues but she is overreacting.

Worriedrose · 29/08/2017 16:02

What is it with baby names recently!
Every boy should now be called John (then they'll definitely be a CEO of a footsie 100)

And ever girl should be called Jane

Sorted

(Yanbu)

RhiWrites · 29/08/2017 16:03

I think you should say something about the C section.

Something like "neither of us knows what it is to live each other's life. I'm sorry I forgot an important conversation to you. I'm sure you're just as sorry that you hadn't relented my C section. Can we draw a line under this and resolve to do better going forward at discussing the important things?"

RhiWrites · 29/08/2017 16:03
  • remembered
Silverthorn · 29/08/2017 16:05

Wow. It's all about her isn't it.
I guess she's upset you have children and she doesn't, but still, she sounds like hard work. I wouldn't give this any more head space and stop apologising.

CoffeeWithMyOxygen · 29/08/2017 16:08

To be honest while she is being ridiculous it also sounds like she is projecting hugely. You have an 8 month old baby and are already 4 months pregnant again, while she is going through IVF. I expect she is finding that quite hard to cope with and so has latched onto this baby name. It could even be that because she wants a baby so much and has thought about it constantly that it really does seem wrong to her at this stage that other people would forget what she sees as vitally important details. I do sympathise with you, but I think I'd also be the bigger person and let it go.

gamerchick · 29/08/2017 16:11

I pretty much guessed before I got to it she was having fertility issues. I had a pal who's sister would kick off and rip up scan pictures when one of them got pregnant and it wasn't her. It's a special kind of unreasonable.

Stop apologising, tell her you're not her punch bag and to pack it in.

NYConcreteJungle · 29/08/2017 16:12

I would avoid her for a while, you don't need the stress in pregnancy and with new babies.

Worriedrose · 29/08/2017 16:15

Yes I think maybe you should stop and think about how horrifically hard it might be for her.
you have an 8 month old and are pregnant. That must be incredibly hard for her. And she (maybe) doesn't know how to deal with her feelings.

When you struggle to conceive and then other people just get up the duff by looking at a man it's horrifically hard.

She's probably been thinking and over analysing names for a long time. And from her point of view you can't even remember something that was so important to her

I'm not saying this to be negative towards you, but just perhaps to help you understand how hard it is for her and how a little thing for you, is a huge thing for her.

Assburgers · 29/08/2017 16:21

Do you think she's upset because she wanted you to remember not to use it, so that she could when the time came? If so do you think you could just reassure her that you're not about to?

SonicBoomBoom · 29/08/2017 16:26

Rhi's text is a good one.

Lweji · 29/08/2017 16:31

My sister in law mentioned she liked the name Arya, to which my DH said oh we liked that two, it was one of our favourites.

You're both unreasonable regarding the name. It's a fad name.

I don't understand how she doesn't know about your C section. It's certainly more memorable than baby names discussions.

But, I agree with those suggesting she's set on the name and she's probably thinking you will give it to your baby and saying you don't remember the conversation as an excuse.
Make sure to tell her you're not using that name.
If she's still stropping, then just leave her to it.

MargaretTwatyer · 29/08/2017 16:32

Re the name. I think reassuring her you won't use it is the way to go. Could you imagine if her IVF never worked and she had to go through life dealing with a child named what she'd always imagined her non-existent daughter's would be? It would be hell. A constant reminder of what she would never have. It's probably why she's overreacted so much.

Bonez · 29/08/2017 16:35

Was she upset at discussing baby names in general? Or literally because you forgot about a previous conversation you both had about the name Arya? If the latter she could do with getting a grip.

SomeDoNot · 29/08/2017 16:37

You cannot name a child after a GOT character. It is cruel.

Mustang27 · 29/08/2017 16:37

Yanbu not even slightly plus you text the following day apologising again which you really didn't have to do.

Maybe her fertility issues are causing a bit of tension especially if in her eyes you are having all the babies (lol). There is little you can do her just remain civil and leave her too it, you can't argue with crazy unfortunately.

SomeDoNot · 29/08/2017 16:39

This must be the Daily Mail wind up cheap journalism of the day story.

CruCru · 29/08/2017 16:40

I had IVF (both times). It isn't a whole lot of fun but it isn't an excuse to be an asshole.

Yes, I like Rhi's text. Plus I would mention that you are not planning to use the name. That is one thing that I do remember - everyone else getting pregnant when I couldn't and using up all my favourite names (I didn't tell them the names on my list, obviously).

Original poster
AC14MUZ · 29/08/2017 16:41

When I text her the following day I said my DH was exaggerating because we liked the name but we were never actually considering using it and we would never knowingly steal a name you liked and that if it has ruined the name for her I was really sorry. I wanted to make sure I reassured her we would not use that name and we were not seriously considering it, we just liked it and talked about it.

Worriedrose, She has been having little digs at me for some time now, since her first round of IVF failed and I never said anything to her about it I just took it because I wanted to be sensitive to the fact she is going through a really tough time. So we are trying to put them first and think about their situation.

I've already tried to reassure her both when it initially happened that we wouldn't use the name and the next day. I don't know how else to say I'm sorry and we were not and will not be using the name.

God knows how my C section slipped her mind, the labour and birth were absolutely horrific which ended in an emergency c section that almost went wrong for me so its the end of the "story" as to how our DS came into the world. But anyway, I guess because I let it slide its a bit hard to swallow that me forgetting something, saying sorry straight away, and reassuring her that we wouldn't use the name is a bit hard to swallow.

Annoyingly she said she likes the name Ayra but wouldn't use it because its too close to what our cousin and our mutual friend have called their little girls.

OP posts:
Nikephorus · 29/08/2017 16:41

It's a hideous name so you're both unreasonable Grin

Mrscropley · 29/08/2017 16:41

In her futuristic mind she has a dd called Arya. .
Keep your distance for a while. .
But personally I would re think using the name for the sake of family relationships for the years to come. .
She is fragile and while that's no real excuse for her behaviour you have a lot to be thankful for - and lots more names to choose from. .

Mrscropley · 29/08/2017 16:42

Ps. .
My dog is called Aria. .

CruCru · 29/08/2017 16:45

In that case, it might be kindest to avoid her for a while, particularly if this round of IVF doesn't work. One of the bits of advice that they gave at my clinic was to give yourself permission to avoid baby focused things (which I think also means pregnant women).

Original poster
AC14MUZ · 29/08/2017 16:45

SomeDoNot, do not worry, there will be no game of thrones names for us!! We just liked the name! Plus Arya is my favourite Stark. I suppose I shouldn't tell you I like the boys name Anakin Wink but we didn't go with that for our DS for fear he'd also turn to the dark side!

OP posts:
SomeDoNot · 29/08/2017 16:46

My dog is called Aria

Are you an opera fan?

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