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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to have forgot about a conversation that happened almost a year ago?

55 replies

AC14MUZ · 29/08/2017 15:51

Hi All

I've just had a fall out with my sister in law. I'm currently 4 months pregnant with an 8 month baby, my husband and I are doing it all alone, we have no family support so its just the two of us with our DS the majority of the time. As you can imagine, we are both beyond exhausted.

My brother in law and sister in law were round at the weekend and the topic strayed onto baby names. My sister in law mentioned she liked the name Arya, to which my DH said oh we liked that two, it was one of our favourites. (Whist we did like it, it wasn't our front runner as we always keep that secret until the baby is here).

My sister in law got really upset and said to me, we've talked about this quite a few times, how can you not remember. I seriously have no recollection. Apparently we were in Nando's which I know has to have been at least before my DS was born.

The next day I text her apologising saying I hope we didn't upset her. I got a really awful text back saying how I made her feel like shit and she can't believe I couldn't jog my memory and there is no mutual respect between the two of us. I was so shocked and upset because I genuinely now still cannot remember this conversation. I apologised again saying I didn't do this on purpose, I forgot and still can't remember and I'm upset she would straight away go to such a bad place with this, she should know I'm not a horrible person and wouldn't deliberately make her feel bad. I said I've been exhausted for 18 months and being pregnant with umber 2 has made my memory bad. Again I got an upsetting response back saying we won't see this the same way, she doesn't know what its like to be pregnant but I don't know what its like to undergo IVF (they are currently on their second attempt)

She has been short with me before and I've not told her I was upset because I was trying to be sensitive to the fact they are trying via IVF. So when she does have a go at me I try not to say anything being mindful of what they must be going through.

Moreover a few weeks ago when we were all reminiscing about the birth and we started talking about my c section being awful she said she had no idea I had a c section. And I KNOW we've talked about that on more than on occasion, its on our group text message for a start. I don't want to be catty and retaliate with "well you didn't remember my c section and I didn't make a big deal so why are you making me feel so bad for forgetting a conversation months ago about a name"

Anyway, I know I am exhausted and hormonal so I just want to ask, AIBU for forgetting? AIBU for being upset at how strongly she has reacted? Please go easy on me, I didn't do this deliberately to upset her, I genuinely cannot remember this conversation....

OP posts:

Mrscropley · 29/08/2017 16:47

Just preferred the spelling /pronunciation. .
for our female husky.
Male would have been Jon Snow!!!

AlmostAJillSandwich · 29/08/2017 16:51

I would actually NOT text saying you wont use it tbh. It might not be your front runner name now, but in 5 months when baby arrives, if baby is a girl you might decide that actually looking at her, Arya is the name that suits her most out of your shortlist.

Infertility when a baby is your biggest want is something i cannot imagine, but its not an excuse to be mean to people.
Theres no guarantee she will ever have a daughter, even if she pays extortionate money for embryo gender testing before implantation.
You have just as much right to love a name as she does. You might have liked it longer than she has, and you cant monopolise or reserve names for a child that doesnt and may not ever exist.

Worriedrose · 29/08/2017 17:03

Empathy for someone who is struggling to have a child. This might be her last shot at ivf
Just lots and lots of empathy
No one who hasn't been through it can imagine how hard it is to think you might never have children, it becomes obsessive

So again!! Empathy. It's just a name
But to her it symbolises so much more

Anniegetyourgun · 29/08/2017 17:05

I wonder if you actually hadn't had the conversation she is adamant that you had, which is why you don't remember it? She could have made it up as an excuse to go apeshit at you, misremembered the conversation, dreamed it, or said it to someone else. In any case there's no point being angry at someone for not remembering a conversation. I have an awful memory, it just won't do as it's told. I have to forgive myself because forgetting is just something that's gonna happen. If it's something important I have to write it down and then make sure the note is somewhere I can't help seeing it. (Sometimes that even works.) You wouldn't have done that with a casual chat in a café.

Apparently trauma can affect memory too, so if you had a horrific CS somewhere in between the alleged conversation and now, it wouldn't be totally surprising if some recent incidents had gone missing or been misfiled, as it were.

Gemini69 · 29/08/2017 17:06

There is nothing wrong with the name OP

a Name belong to the Child on whose Birth Certificate is it registered ...

nobody else x

FatBettyintheCoop · 29/08/2017 17:07

Stop apologising to her for being a normal person who doesn't automatically prioritise all her conversations since the year dot.
She's being ridiculous and incredibly rude towards you.
I'd have a bit more sympathy with her if she was terminally ill and you were humming the Death march (I did this completely by accident in front of my father who had weeks to live!)
As it is, if she has a problem with your parenthood status, she will have to learn to deal with it, otherwise, she's only going to hurt herself further.

Worriedrose · 29/08/2017 17:17

Empathy people! Blimey.
She might be bat shit crazy
But it's clearly not about the name

And I'm sorry but if I said how upset I was even if I said it the wrong way and then the other person piped up
"Oh god with a small child and another on the way I just can't remember much"
It would make me feel very upset. Even though you might not be shoving your baby joy in her face, she might not see it like that

Beadieeye · 29/08/2017 17:26

I can guarantee it's nothing to do with the name, but about feeling upset about you being pregnant and having a baby on the way. She's taken the slightest thing as an opportunity to go off on one. It's very sad for her but it's no reason to personalise your situation and treat you like utter shit because of it.

Beadieeye · 29/08/2017 17:26

A baby already* sorry

Jux · 30/08/2017 13:01

Well, your dh could make things better by mildly mentioning that you have overlooked insensitive comments from her, so it goes both ways. In my birth family, that would help, but in some families it'll just make things worse.

peachgreen · 30/08/2017 13:48

She's upset because you suggested that you might take the name that she was planning on calling the child she desperately wants but is struggling to have. In her eyes you already have everything, and now you're going to take this from her as well. And when you blamed it on your pregnancy she must have felt like you were rubbing her nose in it. It also sounds like you talk about babies and giving birth quite a lot in general which will be difficult for her.

Infertility is unbelievably painful and makes people behave irrationally. She is definitely overreacting and in an ideal world, she shouldn't take it out on you. But I'd take a thousand horrible text messages over the agony of not being able to conceive.

Overworrier · 30/08/2017 14:22

As a very longterm IVFer, I firmly believe this isn't about the name.

This goes way deeper.

Doje · 30/08/2017 14:38

I would definitely give her the benefit of the doubt here.

I cannot imagine the mental struggles that accompany infertility. On its own would be terrible, but then also trying to be happy for your family members having not only one healthy baby, but another one on the way so soon.

Text her back, say, "I'm sorry we upset you. We will not be using the name. Free for a coffee just me and you next Weds or Thursday?" And listen to how she's doing.

stella23 · 30/08/2017 14:47

My sister in law mentioned she liked the name Arya, to which my DH said oh we liked that two, it was one of our favourites. (Whist we did like it, it wasn't our front runner as we always keep that secret until the baby is here).

I don't know, but I think there's something there, sil says arya, dh says yes one of our favourites, your are hmmm not a front runner, was he just quickly trying to stamp his claim on the name?

Maybe you can go for arya, and she can go for Sansa.

SilverySurfer · 30/08/2017 14:48

I wish people on here would stop making excuses for bad behaviour by someone because they are experiencing fertility issues. I couldn't have children but it never stopped me from feeling genuinely thrilled and happy for friends and family when they did. Yes, of course infertility is bloody painful but it's no excuse for her to behave in the way she did.

Pigeonpost · 30/08/2017 15:05

I just knew you were going to say she has fertility issues. Having been there, I can wholeheartedly say that it turns you more than a little bonkers. She is being utterly unreasonable behaving like that but she's hurting inside. A lot. And that fucks with your brain and makes you behave like you wouldn't normally. I'm not saying she's right and I'm not really excusing her, I'm just saying that it is difficult for her and it is almost impossible for anyone who hasn't been through the pain of infertility/loss to to try and get inside her head. Move on, don't hold it against her.

Overworrier · 30/08/2017 15:20

In some extreme cases Surfer it's not an excuse, it can be a reason.

category12 · 30/08/2017 15:24

I think I would let it go this time and just step away a bit from the heat. Try to talk about other subjects than babies and pregnancy with her for the foreseeable - she's going through a lot with the IVF and you're exhausted on the other side of the coin, where she wants to be. You don't really grok each other's struggles. Her hormones are no doubt everywhere with the IVF treatments and so are yours.

Mittens1969 · 30/08/2017 15:26

I was the infertile SIL. My DH and I tried for a baby for 4 years and went through IVF once, which failed miserably with no embryos created due to there being no eggs. We then adopted as I've shared on different threads. It was 7 years after we married that DD1 came to live with us.

My BIL and his wife in the meantime had 3 pregnancies and had 5 children in total. Oh I envied her for sure. We were on holiday with their family and my MIL, when she told us that she was pregnant with their fourth. I so wished they hadn't told us until after the holiday, and I cried a lot on my own:with DH. But I didn't say a word to them, I could congratulate them and smile.

The only real hurt was that they disapproved of our decision to go through IVF for ethical reasons, as Christians. We did fall out over that, as I thought how dare she be so judgmental when she has 4 children as was the case then???

It's all fine between us now, though, I have my DDs and we get on reasonably well. (I still reckon she was out of order though.)

Your SIL is massively U, I'm sure because it's a sore point that you've been able to get pregnant twice and she hasn't. It's a tough position to be in, but she is being ridiculous. Obviously people forget, and you should point out how she herself forgot about your c section.

MargaretTwatyer · 31/08/2017 23:10

I don't believe for a second this is true.

NK493efc93X1277dd3d6d4 · 31/08/2017 23:54

I say ignore it OP. Yanbu but given the IVF and you being on your second pregnancy, she probably knows she's being unreasonable but can't help it.
Just be extra nice & assure her she can have the name. She might get more upset though as she'll no longer have that to project her unhappiness onto.

Motoko · 01/09/2017 01:05

I wondered that too. I have a friend who keeps saying she bought me an item that she didn't. It was an item I really liked, but because money was tight, I never bought it. It was a large item, so it's not as if I'd forgotten she got it for me and mislaid it. And she keeps forgetting that we have the same conversation about it when she brings up that she bought it for me, she's always surprised when I say that she didn't get it for me. She says "But I got one for you, one for X, and one for me."

I do think the SIL is upset about OP's second pregnancy, especially with it coming only 4 months after the birth of the first baby.

OP, I don't think anything you do or say will help. Your SIL seems determined to be the victim here. Has she always been like this?

Mittens1969 · 01/09/2017 09:07

I completely agree that she's playing the victim because she's incredibly jealous about your fertility. It's understandable but it's absolutely no excuse to take it out on you at all.

I never expressed my feelings for my SIL, though I ranted to my DH at times of course. The only time was when she criticised our decision to try IVF, because of 'spare' embryos fgs! Ironically, as it turned out, I didn't have any embryos at all.

Original poster

AC14MUZ · 01/09/2017 16:40

Thanks everyone for the responses. I've apologies twice now and reassured her we were never seriously considering the name, nor will we, however she seems to be determined to be angry with me. I think you are all right when you say it is not so much about the name, more about her problem with me being pregnant again. My DH has spoken to my BIL and told him he isn't happy. So I suppose now its a case of watch this space.

I understand it must be very traumatic to go through IVF and I am mindful never to bring up my pregnancy unless asked, they were the ones who started asking us about names which is why the conversation came up. Otherwise I never talk about it as I don't want them to feel I am rubbing it in their face. I was dreading telling her I was pregnant again for fear of upsetting her. In the end my DH hold my BIL and he then told SIL so we are trying to be as considerate as we possibly can.

OP posts:

PollyFlint · 01/09/2017 16:59

She is clearly being hugely unreasonable but, as you say, it's probably not about the name at all, really.

Is she having hormone treatment as part of the IVF, by any chance? I only ask because my friend had three rounds of IVF and the hormone jabs honestly sent her round the twist. She was already understandably very sensitive about anything baby-related, as you would expect, but the actual hormones did terrible things to her mood and she looks back now and can't believe some of the things she said/did during that time. She's usually a really cheerful, calm, capable type and she just turned into a screaming harpy who had massive temper tantrums over tiny, baffling things.

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