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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to despise sibling?!!

74 replies

StrawCamelBack · 28/08/2017 15:54

Ok. I have a sibling who is a single parent. Has always had MASSIVE AMOUNTS of help with DS. One of those people who think nothing of getting themselves into continuos situations knowing there will always be someone to dig them out of a hole and using DS as the emotional pawn!!

Some of the following as an example:
Umpteen homes in rental arrears, DS uprooted and schools changed on a whim or depending on eviction, but mostly due to relationship breakdowns.
The type of person who goes to pieces (half hearted suicide attempts) after every break up to the point where they cannot (don't care enough to!!) even look after their own child! Goes awol for weeks, no contact with child. But then has another relationship lined up within weeks and all is good again! And the cycle continues.
The kind of person whose social media accounts are full of selfies (with partner) and the most cringe worthy hash tags a person can post #couplegoals #love #gymlife #bestabs #baseballcaps
The kind of person who defaults on rent but has enough to smoke marijuana.
The kind of person whose kid walks around in unlaundered clothes, but they themselves are polished to the max.
The kind of person whose kid has been in 5 different schools by age 9 (NOT because of the child!)
The kind of person who shouts from the rooftops about how great a parent they are and how EVERYONE knows it and the people who point out otherwise are 'jealous and spiteful'

The latest is buggering off with the partner for a weekend away leaving now 11yr old DS in my care and an untrained puppy alone at home! The rationale was that "DS can make trips to and from my home to walk and feed dog". It's our bank holiday weekend too and we have DC of our own so weekend has been governed around timing care of the dog. I did bring the dog to stay with us to start with as I personally feel this is animal cruelty! But I am severely asthmatic as is one of my DC and the dog was malting, pissing and shitting all over the house. I don't have animals for this reason. I couldn't cope with it, nor should I have been expected to.
The other expectation was to leave dog outside or inside ALL day "depending on weather" so we had to judge the changeable weather and dart to and from to put it in or out!! No shelter provided for dog outside!

Furthermore, the DS is in my care and anything can happen on these trips home to walk dog which would end up being MY fault, so cue me or DH having to drive nephew home (with our DC in tow!) and help with dog walk/feed/cleaning of mess/etc.

Oh, and turns out there was no dog food left to feed said dog so we had to buy that as well!

I'm so unbelievably angry at the constant inconsideration. But the bind is, if I say anything, I will lose contact with nephew (as have done previously!) and he will be emotionally blackmailed and made to feel like shit. There is so much more to this story which I couldn't possibly write about, but I am full of anxiety and had to write/tell someone!!! I feel like a shit person as how can I possibly detest a person who is my own flesh and blood so much?!! I wish I could go NC but my nephew and my DC do not deserve not to see each other. Feel better for writing it down! Thanks in advance for reading!

OP posts:
talonofthehawks · 28/08/2017 15:58

Just don't but take her child or dog again. You can't despise her all that much if you continue to enable her.

WitchesGlove · 28/08/2017 16:00

For your nephews sake, call SS now!

Also, call the RSPCA for the dog

Your nephew will thank you for it when he is older

ClemDanfango · 28/08/2017 16:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lionsleepstonight · 28/08/2017 16:06

Call the rspca now, no dog should be left like that.

StrawCamelBack · 28/08/2017 16:12

I know it's enabling. As I said there's a massive back story. The ONLY reason I have contact is my nephew. If I don't take him sometimes (and it is occasionally now, not always as it once was!) then I wouldn't know what was happening in his life and how he is doing! If he wasn't with me this weekend I don't know where he would have been dumped!
He already has a SW.

OP posts:
StrawCamelBack · 28/08/2017 16:14

@WitchesGlove do you think he really will? I'm broken-hearted for him. Anything I do regarding SS or RSPCA would be in his very best interest, but would he know that or grow to hate me?

OP posts:
Armadillostoes · 28/08/2017 16:15

It does sound really tough OP. Can you update DS's social worker if things look like they might be going downhill?

Borttagen · 28/08/2017 16:18

I was assuming it was a brother reading that...

Could you start keeping a log of events and then contact SS? Would you take DN in full time?

StrawCamelBack · 28/08/2017 16:18

@ClemDanfango I only knew the dog was in the equation after I received a text to say keys were left hidden at the house and my sibling was long gone!

OP posts:
Booboobooboo84 · 28/08/2017 16:18

I would challenge her because she's burnt so many bridges she will have no one to fall back on but you. The poor puppy what kind of dog is it? Depending on the size when mycollie was little I picked up a massive crate for him to grow into. If you have a shed with space you could crate him in there and just allow him access to your garden if that would work?

Booboobooboo84 · 28/08/2017 16:19

Your nephew will thank you when he's older- children are not stupid he already knows his mum is a twat for sure

silverbell64 · 28/08/2017 16:20

I totally understand where you're coming from OP. Give the social worker a call.

Originalfoogirl · 28/08/2017 16:24

Call the Social Worker.

You have a choice, be there for your nephew and put up with her shit, or don't. You won't change her, so you need to accept that's how she is, or give up on your nephew.

Ladymadness · 28/08/2017 16:25

I feel for you op. I have a few siblings like this and it's just too stressful at times and has gotten to the point that I barely have contact with some of my nieces and nephews. They still love auntie ladymadness though .

StrawCamelBack · 28/08/2017 16:27

Thank you so much for your replies! I feel really broken. The reason he has a social worker is because I intervened at an earlier stage in his life. Anything we (my other siblings and I) say falls on deaf ears and my nephew is withdrawn from us and he suffers the most. The laugh of it is, my nephew has been left in my care when only a few months ago we were being subjected to horrible vilification and messages about how badly we treat him when he is in our care and how "SS have reports to this effect and he would never step foot in our home again!" But here he is! We didn't see him for months after that. He was miserable throughout. He told me.

OP posts:
Racingraccoons · 28/08/2017 16:28

Call the social worker!
It's in his best interests!

retreatwhispering · 28/08/2017 16:31

You can dislike and yet still love a person. YANBU.

  • take the dog to the RSPCA. You are not able to look after it. Neither is she or the child.
  • stay as closely involved with your nephew as possible. He's 11, so it should be possible to do this whilst maintaining distance from your Dsis.
Booboobooboo84 · 28/08/2017 16:32

Call his social worker, if only to get it on record that she's clearly reporting bollucks to them. Another good one dog wise is a undercoat rake £2 from Wilkos I think. It will remove a lot of the excess moulting hair which will help with the asthma

retreatwhispering · 28/08/2017 16:32

Would it be possible for nephew to live with you for a while?

VioletCharlotte · 28/08/2017 16:37

This is an awful situation OP, I'm so sorry. Your poor nephew. And poor you too. Our sister sounds horrendous, I can't even begin to think how anyone could tray a child or animal like that.

I've no experience with this sort of situation so no real advice to offer, but you didn't want to read and run.

StrawCamelBack · 28/08/2017 16:38

Any time anything has kicked off (like a break up!!) he's been with me or my other sibling. He loves his mum. He wants to be with his mum.
I said to a friend earlier that no child on this earth asked to be born and yet when they are they come with such unconditional love for their parent(s). The LEAST we can do is repay this love with respect and basic bloody care!! I look at my DC and I cannot imagine not putting them first. Ever.

OP posts:
StrawCamelBack · 28/08/2017 16:39

@VioletCharlotte thank you!

OP posts:
Gatehouse77 · 28/08/2017 16:40

I would have a sit down with your nephew and ask what he wants to happen long term. Try and make him feel secure enough to speak freely and that you won't repeat anything personal but that you may have to pass on information to his SW if you have concerns.

Emphasise that you want to do what's right by him. Don't make any offer you're not willing to see through - so, maybe you and your DH need to have a talk first. Particularly if you think offering him a permanent home might be something you'd like to do.

He may be looking for someone to sweep it and take care of him but is conflicted by loyalty to his parent. It's so hard and he may not be able to verbalise his emotions without some help. Help can be offering him a range of adjectives (emotions) and letting him choose the closest one. it may take some refining.

Would you also consider a wider family meeting to see where others stand and then be able to present a united front to your sibling?

WomanWithAltitude · 28/08/2017 16:42

For your nephews sake, call SS now!

Also, call the RSPCA for the dog

^ This with bells on! Why have you done it already? Get on the phone today.

WomanWithAltitude · 28/08/2017 16:42

^ why have you NOT done it already

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