AIBU to despise sibling?!!

[StrawCamelBack]

Ok. I have a sibling who is a single parent. Has always had MASSIVE AMOUNTS of help with DS. One of those people who think nothing of getting themselves into continuos situations knowing there will always be someone to dig them out of a hole and using DS as the emotional pawn!!

Some of the following as an example:
Umpteen homes in rental arrears, DS uprooted and schools changed on a whim or depending on eviction, but mostly due to relationship breakdowns.
The type of person who goes to pieces (half hearted suicide attempts) after every break up to the point where they cannot (don't care enough to!!) even look after their own child! Goes awol for weeks, no contact with child. But then has another relationship lined up within weeks and all is good again! And the cycle continues.
The kind of person whose social media accounts are full of selfies (with partner) and the most cringe worthy hash tags a person can post #couplegoals #love #gymlife #bestabs #baseballcaps
The kind of person who defaults on rent but has enough to smoke marijuana.
The kind of person whose kid walks around in unlaundered clothes, but they themselves are polished to the max.
The kind of person whose kid has been in 5 different schools by age 9 (NOT because of the child!)
The kind of person who shouts from the rooftops about how great a parent they are and how EVERYONE knows it and the people who point out otherwise are 'jealous and spiteful'

The latest is buggering off with the partner for a weekend away leaving now 11yr old DS in my care and an untrained puppy alone at home! The rationale was that "DS can make trips to and from my home to walk and feed dog". It's our bank holiday weekend too and we have DC of our own so weekend has been governed around timing care of the dog. I did bring the dog to stay with us to start with as I personally feel this is animal cruelty! But I am severely asthmatic as is one of my DC and the dog was malting, pissing and shitting all over the house. I don't have animals for this reason. I couldn't cope with it, nor should I have been expected to.
The other expectation was to leave dog outside or inside ALL day "depending on weather" so we had to judge the changeable weather and dart to and from to put it in or out!! No shelter provided for dog outside!

Furthermore, the DS is in my care and anything can happen on these trips home to walk dog which would end up being MY fault, so cue me or DH having to drive nephew home (with our DC in tow!) and help with dog walk/feed/cleaning of mess/etc.

Oh, and turns out there was no dog food left to feed said dog so we had to buy that as well!

I'm so unbelievably angry at the constant inconsideration. But the bind is, if I say anything, I will lose contact with nephew (as have done previously!) and he will be emotionally blackmailed and made to feel like shit. There is so much more to this story which I couldn't possibly write about, but I am full of anxiety and had to write/tell someone!!! I feel like a shit person as how can I possibly detest a person who is my own flesh and blood so much?!! I wish I could go NC but my nephew and my DC do not deserve not to see each other. Feel better for writing it down! Thanks in advance for reading!

Presumably you agreed to look after your nephew and the dog.
Why? If you did not want to and it all makes you seething with anger and allergies?Why is the dog not house trained? Or are you exaggerating...?
You say the nephew loves his Mum. Well, she cannot be all bad then and it is not up to you to say otherwise and I hope to God you do not say it TO him.
Finally, WHY in the name of flying fuck are you following this person on social media?
So you can work yourself up?
Basically.. wtf are you doing ?

I'm guessing that your sibling prevents you and others saying anything/challenging her by stopping you seeing your nephew when you do, so you are forced into putting up and shutting up in order to maintain contact with your nephew?
It sounds like you are doing the right thing with continuing to support nephew and providing him with phone and bike. Its great that at least he knows he has one reliable person in his life.
I think boobooboo is right, your best option is to offer to have him as much as possible, extend every visit as much as you can, take him on days out. Your sibling will probably be perfectly happy to get rid of him as much as possible, its clear that she can't be bothered to take care of him herself. She is clearly very narcissistic and that is very, very hard to handle for you.

Mslexicon, if you actually read the op you will see how the situation arose. I think it is absolutely clear that op is trying her very best to do the right and responsible thing in very difficult circumstances.

@crispandcheesesandwichplease you're right, I know and thank you. The bottom line is it's her needs before his. Always. And she'll deny it with every breath regardless of how many examples to the contrary you put in front of her! Falling out with her or getting into awkward situations has never worried me. It's the loss of my nephew. When things have kicked off she's quite openly bad mouthed us all to him and over time if you keep telling a child a certain thing they'll believe it and my DH and I will be damned if we'll allow her to isolate him from us that way. We're of the mind that no matter what he hears, when he's with us he'll know that it's BS because he's loved, comforted, has fun, and is treated like our DC are when he is here! He'll FEEL it. As a pp said, we're his anchor. We're the constant.

" he has a social worker and gets trips away and days out, etc. So they are present in his life. But they are not family."

I'm quite astonished by this. Usually, this level of support is provided to a child with special needs or for parent(s) with additional need i.e. health problems etc...

Miserylovescompany2 Seconding what you are saying; OP does your sister have a diagnosed mental health condition or illness?

sorry @Aurao I thought I'd replied to your earlier post, yes, depression and anxiety. As do I. I have also been hospitalised due to my mental health. I do understand the struggle, believe me. I live it everyday, that is why I have been there for her and my nephew throughout and continue to be there for my nephew after being very badly abused by her. As I said, there is a massive back story.

Sorry - I missed your reply if you did.

I do think you need to get in touch with SS; regardless of mental health condition or not - however, I think it's more likely she needs mental health treatment than your nephew being removed from her care, and, I think, if I was in your shoes, that's what I would be pushing for - that she receives care, that a whole stack of additional living support is put in place (a charity like blue cross would perhaps be willing to support her looking after the dog for instance), and that there's support for your nephew too.

However, I don't know the back story, and obviously I can't judge on whether her piss-poor parenting is down to mental health or is always going to be a factor. Your first post did scream "mental health" to me (though not either anxiety or depression).

Is she on medication and is she taking it?

Social workers are not omnipresent. They don't know what goes on over a bank holiday or 3 in the morning if no one tells them. Just having a SW alone does not keep him safe. Everyone involved in his life need to do that as well as his SW. Document everything and keep DN's SW updated with recent developments. I totally understand he lives his mum but he will know she is unreliable and not providing good enough parenting for him. He will want that to change but he won't know how and neither should he know. It's easy for us on the outside to offer advice and harder for you to act IRL but please update his SW every time there is a new issue or a reparation of an old one. The SW should know about the dog too as it's further evidence that your sister is incapable of adult decisions and responsible behaviour.

If it is as bad as this (and I am sure it is), you need to involve Social Services. The child is going to end up with severe mental and social problems.

@Aurao yes, chronic anxiety disorder. The thing is, I know plenty of people in her situation, worse even. The problem here is not the mental health. It's the innate selfishness and narcissism. When all is great (man-wise) there's no issue, life is great, social media is buzzing with selfies and hash tags. When no man, 'severely ill with depression' I can't help but feel jaded!

"I have been in touch with anyone who is in contact with him - schools, doctors, dentists, etc. Most of which I have signed him up with. I am caring for him from afar and I step closer when I need to like now."

I thought you required parental responsibility for information to be shared and for signing up a child with GP - do you have some kind of special guardianship order obtained through court. Please correct me if I'm wrong? The same is applied to Children's services sharing information. To do this they require the parent(s) consent.

Just wanted to say that I think it's unfair and inaccurate to call you an enabler. Your actions might enable your sister but as a decent human being I don't see what other choice you've had.

There's no quick fix or ideal situation. It's important to remember that you provide stability and love to your nephew that granted, isn't in the ideal situation but it will be a grounding factor throughout his life - even if there are gaps in your contact.
I think your sister might have a personality disorder but YNBU for being angry. You can't put her first when your nephew's needs are greater.

Not going to give you further advice re SS or RSPCA as you've had plenty! You're a wonderful aunt for all that you do. I really hope things get easier for you and more stable for your newphew

I can't give you advice regarding authorities, as I know nothing about your system. But I have an alcoholic sister who was homeless for awhile when her kids were in high school. My family took her daughter in first as her son was living with another family, then the son moved in with us a year later. Your nephew will realize what is up with his mother eventually. It will be sad for her when he does. My nephew won't answer his mother's phone calls and doesn't make any calls to her. She will whine to me about how she "raised him for 16 years" and I don't point out that he and his sister did a lot of their own raising. I was happy to have them be part of our family and show them what a relatively normal life was like. Her daughter has come and gone from our house a few times since she graduated from high school (and is, in fact, living with us right now) and her son is now in the Navy. He just bought a ring for his girlfriend and I was the one to hear about it, not his mother. Sad, but that's what she earned. Both are great kids.

Your assistance may enable her bad behavior, but by being there for your nephew, you give him a glimpse of normality. It will help him massively in the long run. I am lucky that my sister lives across the country from me, so I don't have her in my life on a day-to-day basis. Once her kids moved in with us and we had legal guardianship over them, I only had to deal with her on the phone. If you can keep your sanity while helping your nephew, it will pay off in the end as it sounds like you are the only normal part of his life. Many kudos to you!

I would. Next time she disappears just report her for abandonment.

"It's the innate selfishness and narcissism. " These are both symptoms of mental health disorders though. Which is why I am suggesting that you go down that route to get support in place.

@Miserylovescompany2 I have gathered the relevant forms and filled them in and had her sign them and taken them back and then taken my nephew to whatever appointments he has needed. I don't need parental responsibility to do this. The GP/dentist/schools have not shared any information with me, but I have let them know about anything I thought was relevant for them to know.

Aurao if Children's services have been involved long term - I'd imagine some sort of plan is in place (that's why I asked further up thread). Especially given that the sister has been hospitalised previously due to her MH - this should involve regular multi-agency meetings involving all professionals involved.

I'm very surprised that given the complexity of the sisters own MH that she herself doesn't have her own social worker?

@Aurao I know this, I really do and I have been down that road. I've taken her to see her gp and sat with her in session and discussed how I find her and what I see the issues are, she does have a social worker/support worker for herself and (the last I knew) she was due to start with some sort of counselling service. She has all the usual benefits paid to her for people in this situation so her condition is known. I may sound cruel, but running around after my sister has landed me in difficulties. I do not keep well myself and I still have to parent my DC. She is an adult. It has taken me a lot of painful years to get to the point where I can say that!

@Miserylovescompany2 it was ME who was hospitalised, not my sister!!

She does have a social worker. She does have support networks. She's selfish and entitled. Always has been, but now there is a child added in the mix.

Miserylovescompany2 Agreed there will be a plan in place, it clearly is not working or needs addressing or enforcing - I honestly believe removing a child has to be a last resort and that all avenues of family support should be attempted first, within the family unit, or if possible, with the help of relatives.

OP, why didn't you call the RSPCA when she left the dog?

Are the SW aware of her suicide attempts and abandonment of her son? I'm not familiar with social services in the U.K. But I'm surprised he has not been taken from her care if that's the case. Im very sorry for your situation My family has been dealing with my DN being physically abused by his father and stepmother and I know how frustrating and helpless you can feel.

What care plan is currently in place? Is there an independent reviewing officer involved?