AIBU to despise sibling?!!

[StrawCamelBack]

Ok. I have a sibling who is a single parent. Has always had MASSIVE AMOUNTS of help with DS. One of those people who think nothing of getting themselves into continuos situations knowing there will always be someone to dig them out of a hole and using DS as the emotional pawn!!

Some of the following as an example:
Umpteen homes in rental arrears, DS uprooted and schools changed on a whim or depending on eviction, but mostly due to relationship breakdowns.
The type of person who goes to pieces (half hearted suicide attempts) after every break up to the point where they cannot (don't care enough to!!) even look after their own child! Goes awol for weeks, no contact with child. But then has another relationship lined up within weeks and all is good again! And the cycle continues.
The kind of person whose social media accounts are full of selfies (with partner) and the most cringe worthy hash tags a person can post #couplegoals #love #gymlife #bestabs #baseballcaps
The kind of person who defaults on rent but has enough to smoke marijuana.
The kind of person whose kid walks around in unlaundered clothes, but they themselves are polished to the max.
The kind of person whose kid has been in 5 different schools by age 9 (NOT because of the child!)
The kind of person who shouts from the rooftops about how great a parent they are and how EVERYONE knows it and the people who point out otherwise are 'jealous and spiteful'

The latest is buggering off with the partner for a weekend away leaving now 11yr old DS in my care and an untrained puppy alone at home! The rationale was that "DS can make trips to and from my home to walk and feed dog". It's our bank holiday weekend too and we have DC of our own so weekend has been governed around timing care of the dog. I did bring the dog to stay with us to start with as I personally feel this is animal cruelty! But I am severely asthmatic as is one of my DC and the dog was malting, pissing and shitting all over the house. I don't have animals for this reason. I couldn't cope with it, nor should I have been expected to.
The other expectation was to leave dog outside or inside ALL day "depending on weather" so we had to judge the changeable weather and dart to and from to put it in or out!! No shelter provided for dog outside!

Furthermore, the DS is in my care and anything can happen on these trips home to walk dog which would end up being MY fault, so cue me or DH having to drive nephew home (with our DC in tow!) and help with dog walk/feed/cleaning of mess/etc.

Oh, and turns out there was no dog food left to feed said dog so we had to buy that as well!

I'm so unbelievably angry at the constant inconsideration. But the bind is, if I say anything, I will lose contact with nephew (as have done previously!) and he will be emotionally blackmailed and made to feel like shit. There is so much more to this story which I couldn't possibly write about, but I am full of anxiety and had to write/tell someone!!! I feel like a shit person as how can I possibly detest a person who is my own flesh and blood so much?!! I wish I could go NC but my nephew and my DC do not deserve not to see each other. Feel better for writing it down! Thanks in advance for reading!

The puppy definitely needs to be removed from the situation. Obviously DN too ideally but the puppy is currently more vulnerable and sounds like it will be severely neglected if your sibling thinks it can be left alone all weekend with someone popping in and out- its not a bloody fish!

@Booboobooboo84 I think you're right. I will make a call tomorrow when normal services resume and my nephew isn't here. As much as I want to I wouldn't speak ill/badmouth in front of him. I have once and regretted it ever since. He went home and questioned her and she turned it round and played massive sympathy card (I'm all alone, etc), basically emotionally blackmailed him.

@Gatehouse77
We have. Several times. Nothing changes. My other sibling are NC now. They can't handle it anymore so it's either I stay close to him and be there for him when he needs me or step away and lose him forever/leave him to whatever fate is coming his way.

"The kind of person who"s got an undiagnosed mental health illness.

Please get her the help she needs.

i would have a sit down with your nephew and ask what he wants to happen long term. Try and make him feel secure enough to speak freely and that you won't repeat anything personal but that you may have to pass on information to his SW if you have concerns.

Do not do this. All you would be doing is making him feel responsible for whatever the outcome is - what a shitty thing to do to a child. Your nephew is a child, one who is confused because he loves his mum. This should not be his call to make, so don't shift the burden.

You are an adult - make the adult decision and make SS and RSPCA aware of what's going on.

Is your nephew on a plan? CIN or CPP (child in need/child protection plan) because children's services close cases if the issues flagged up have been resolved after period of time.

When did you alert then? Are you certain there is still involvement?

@strawcamalback I think from what you've said if someone thought your children were being neglected by you then you'd want someone to effectively save them. Even if your children would disagree and rather stay. You would want their needs put before their wants.

If your sister is struggling and your dp is on board have you considered looking at sharing custody with your sister. So he's with you for weekends and see how it goes?

But as much as I love dogs and I do your and your dc health comes first so you need to explain that you can't take any responsibility for the dog anymore. Call the rspca and report him as left alone the next time she does it

Plus I wouldn't recommend slagging the mum off to him he will make his own decisions with that in his own time. Just concentrate on being there for him always. He needs an anchor

Children may sometimes want to stay with horrific abusers because they are scared, love their parent and don't know any different. That isn't a reason to leave them in that situation!

Some decision need to be taken by adult a, and this is one of them. They need outside intervention sometimes, even if they don't recognise it at 9 years old.

Straw That's a tough place to be. I can understand why you feel so frustrated with your sister. A degree of helplessness too, I suspect.

I guess then it's a case of letting him know that he can come to you at any time, for anything. Does he have his own mobile? Can you maintain direct contact through that? Or social media?

It would be good if you did make contact with his SW - they may keep you in the loop when your sister goes awol/NC.

Just wanted to say you're not alone. I have a similar sibling and feel like my whole life is blighted, like a mill stone around my neck. I also fear losing contact with niece and nephew, similar to you with your nephew.
I often see friends with 'normal' families and relationships with their siblings and feel horribly envious. It feels so isolating being in a situation like this. Sorry this isn't particularly helpful but please just know you are not alone and I can empathize. It's really, really hard and totally unfair on you. From a practical perspective I'd be tempted to take the dog to the RSPCA as others have said- but I also know that this could blow up the whole situation and make it even worse so I would totally understand your reluctance.

I pay a contract for him so he has a phone. He knows without question he is welcome here and to come here at anytime should he want or need to. I also bought him a bike so he can get to me and out and about with his chums.

@Tallblue thank you! I'm in tears, but it's so nice to hear the support. It's easy to "just call SS" or "take the dog to rspca" but there's a child in the middle of all of this who is completely innocent.
I have called SS in the past and it blew holy hell in my face, but I did it and now he has a social worker and gets trips away and days out, etc. So they are present in his life. But they are not family.

I would also contact his school and let them know he struggles. They won't be able to comment to you but he needs someone keeping an eye out for him at school.

While I think you do need to talk to ss (and I'm speaking as someone who was the child with a shit parent) and get things on record I think trying to work with her so it's More planned and less ditched.

With rspca I would report anonymously which you can do, if she says only expecting you to pop round then the dog will likely be alone when they visit. Report him as being alone with no food and water. Obviously provide him with both. But if he's been left without then tell them that.

I know it's not easy but as a child and still as an adult I'm still angry at some of the people who let me have a shit time for fear of upsetting my mother.

It's really easy to call her an "enabler" when she's just trying to do right be her nephew. He's caught in the crossfire, and she's said creating drama could drive a wedge between him and the only stable relationships he seems to have, so maybe let's save the blame game and focus on actual advice? K, thanks.

Does your ds live full time with your sibling? What about the other parent?

@mivery if that's aimed at me I'm not calling her an enabler I'm just giving her a perspective of what her nephew may be really feeling but to afraid to voice. I have given plenty of good advice

Your nephew is being neglected OP. Plus the emotional harm he experiences overtime his mother goes AWOL because she can't cope/has a new partner/threatens suicide. This is a harmful and damaging existence for your nephew and will have longer term repercussions for him later on in life.

He needs a calm, predictable, safe and stable environment to grow and flourish in.

If he has a sw that suggests there are ongoing professional concerns about him as a previous PP said (ex children's sw myself). Please contact them.

I understand your nephew loves and wants to live with his mum but the care she provides him falls way below 'acceptable'. What he wants and what he needs to grow into a healthy, emotionally adjusted teen/adult are 2 different things. His needs are not being provided in the current situation. That other family members have stepped back is not the right approach, though I get that it's difficult. This is going to be hard to hear but this boy has a family and if they all abandon him that's going to be traumatic for him, both now and in the future. You must take action now.

Is there any chance he could come and live with you? It's a big undertaking I know but I think if not then the alternative needs to be local authority care. He can still see his mum and have a relationship with her but he needs to be a safe, stable and caring environment asap.

@Mivery thank you!!!
@Booboobooboo84 no, I don't think it's you! You've been very supportive and given me some good advice, thank you!

I have been in touch with anyone who is in contact with him - schools, doctors, dentists, etc. Most of which I have signed him up with. I am caring for him from afar and I step closer when I need to like now.
I do need to have a word with SS again just to refresh things. I feel like I'm walking a tightrope balancing my family, my own I'll health and my nephew's wellbeing! Walking a tightrope with a shark pool below!!!

Already has a SW so do not hesitate to share recent events in your DN's life with them. If living with you is in your DN's best interests, then it could happen. If your DN wants to live with you, he needs to tell his SW. It is his SW & it is his wellbeing & safety that drives this.

RSPCA right now for the dog. She is not fit to own a dog.

Your health (stress & doggie allergens) are not to be compromised by your sister's selfishness.

However much you feel FOG, your sister is clearly not responsible enough look after her child or a dog. Your sister has left a clear trail of chaos, neglect, indifference & inability to take responsibility over many years.

Whatever gifts, attributes & place in the family order you were handed as children (iyswim), she has squandered hers & it is not for you to save her, put right or sacrifice yourself.

I honestly think if you turn this on it's head and offer to have him regularly she will just extend the time you have him til it's more like her having access. If that works for you and your family I would engineer that tbh

You are in an unenviable position here OP, you didn't ask for it but here it is on your plate. In the whole situation your nephew is the most vulnerable person. This is awful but like I said earlier if all the adults in his life step back or don't act this is going to further his sense of being effectively abandoned and sense of low worth.

What you have done so far and are continuing to do is commendable. We've had this in our family too and it's an awful tightrope. Your sister is in denial regarding her ability to parent or even to put her son's needs before hers. Other family members are distancing themselves and by doing this avoiding taking responsibility for a vulnerable child who needs someone, an adult, to take responsibility for him. Although no-one wants to rock the boat or risk losing all contact with your nephew, in this situation your nephew's safety and welfare MUST take priority over any uncomfortable scenarios between the adults.

I'm so sorry that you have been thrust into this position.

@UniversalAunt thank you! And yes, I know what you mean. That's how we all feel. We're all from the same stock, had the same opportunities (she's had more, actually!).