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AIBU?

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Original poster

Can I establish a boundary here or should I leave now?

72 replies

FlyingFox95 · 28/08/2017 01:30

Hey everyone, just looking for advice really. If I'm unreasonable then that's fine.

To explain my situation, I am in a relationship with a man who has a 4 year old son.

I'm not comfortable around children at all. I became pregnant but miscarried. It's hard to explain how I felt... As mentioned I wasn't comfortable, I was upset about how I wouldn't like being around a child and didn't know what to do but at the same time I felt attached to mine. In the end I didn't get to choose. Not a guilt trip, just background.

Any way, before he left his ex he agreed that he did not expect me to be close to his child and that I did not need to be nearby on his days. However since our loss he has asked me to spend more time as a "stepmother".

He knows I don't like spending time with children and that was accepted before we got together but since our loss he has commented that it suits me and that I should practise

my head is still all over the place but I just don't know... Am I wrong here? We had agreed where we were at beforehand (I've met his son but don't take on a maternal role) but he feels I should be much more maternal. I'm not comfortable with it in the sense that im generally not maternal and I'm feeling vulnerable... Should I leave or is it reasonable to say that i can't take on this?We have been dating since January but I have only met his son about 2/3 times as they have generally met when I'm not in. Sorry for this xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
FlyingFox95 · 28/08/2017 01:31

Just to clarify, I fully accept his son should come before me.

OP posts:
CardsforKittens · 28/08/2017 01:35

It's completely reasonable to say you can't take it. And it's wrong of him to put pressure on you. He knows your boundaries and is choosing to cross them. That would be a deal breaker for me.
Very sorry for your loss Flowers

NameWithChange · 28/08/2017 01:35

This is a small child with needs. It's not his fault his parents separated. If you can't put a child's needs before your own (not being harsh here - you say you wouldn't like to be around a child) you shouldn't be in this relationship.

notgivingin789 · 28/08/2017 01:37

Sorry for your loss OP Flowers

But for you and for your boyfriends sake, I would call quits on this relationship. No way could I be with someone who wouldn't want to get to know my child..spend time with them etc.

BackieJerkhart · 28/08/2017 01:38

You have said the words "uncomfortable" or "not comfortable" repeatedly in a relatively short post. I think that tells you all you need to know. You really are not comfortable. You keep repeating it. You need to trust that your own feelings on this are right. He either needs to accept you won't be playing any kind of step mother role or you have to end the relationship. You can't compromise on this. There is a little child involved. It is far too important to risk messing up.

Original poster
FlyingFox95 · 28/08/2017 01:43

If I could spend time with his child I absolutely would. It's just part of my nature that children unsettle me and he knew this well before we committed. It's just unfortunate that his position has changed so suddenly. I don't really get why, whenever I ask he just says it suits me now that he's seen me pregnant

OP posts:
NorthumbrianGirl · 28/08/2017 01:44

Actually I think yabu to have a relationship with someone without intending to form a relationship of some sort with their child also.

NameWithChange · 28/08/2017 01:45

I don't think his position has actually changed. He is a father. That's not going anywhere.

Original poster
FlyingFox95 · 28/08/2017 01:48

It's changed in the sense that previously he was happy with me being as I am, being kind when I see his son etc, to suddenly wanting me to be there when he's over, play with him and read stories etc

The expectations of me have definitely changed. Sorry if I wasn't clear.

OP posts:
SerfTerf · 28/08/2017 01:52

So you've always been "uncomfortable with children"? Before and after your own miscarriage?

It's quite difficult to understand why you'd date a father, TBH.

NameWithChange · 28/08/2017 01:55

Sorry, but my post doesn't change.

What did you expect? You say you fully expect his son should come before you. So you're not in a serious relationship then. He is a Father No 1. If you are not willing to get in the mix with that then you have no relationship.

Stay with your gut instinct, there will be someone in your life who suits you, this man and his child don't fit your bill Flowers

ClemDanfango · 28/08/2017 01:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
FlyingFox95 · 28/08/2017 01:57

SerfTerf because the father in question was my best friend and things happened. He knew me and assured me that he was pleased that I wouldn't want to try to take on a maternal role. That's why our relationship continued at that point. things change though

OP posts:
BackieJerkhart · 28/08/2017 01:59

I don't think this man is for you. I suspect he was saying what you wanted to hear/he needed to say to keep you when he said he was fine with your stance on children.

Fwiw I don't think you were necessarily wrong to want to date a father whilst having those feelings. Not all relationships have to lead to living together, spending all your time together etc. It's perfectly fine to want to date someone but have no intention of living with them. Also, children aren't permanently children. They grow into teens and then young adults. You wouldn't/won't necessarily be excluding yourself from ever living with him, maybe just until his child was grown and flown the nest. Many people are perfectly happy with such a relationship.

NameWithChange · 28/08/2017 02:01

Also, you say he left the mother of his child for you - after you had made it clear that you did not want to be close to his child. Where did you think this child would be? Out in the cold? His parents have separated and his dad has a new girlfriend who doesn't feel comfortable around kids? Poor little boy. Look at this from the child's perspective and please move on.

SerfTerf · 28/08/2017 02:03

How is supposed to work, though?

NameWithChange · 28/08/2017 02:11

It also seems that he used you to get out of that relationship, that's not a good thing. And he persuaded you to be with him with 'no strings' (serious part in his child's life) that just isn't realistic.

You are young, you are not ready for children yet - you may never be and that's ok! - but this child exists if you are to continue in this relationship, no matter what he says you will have a role in his life - and a pretty important one. I think you need to let this one go and find someone who suits you at the moment.

FittonTower · 28/08/2017 02:13

If you really don't see yourself in a stepmother role then don't become one. Don't have a relationship with a man with children. It's not fair on you, the man or (most inportantly) his son. A 4 year old doesn't need a person in his life that doesn't want him there. And really really don't have children with man that already has children if you can't feel maternal to his current child. That's only going to end in heartache for you all.
You say you discussed it with your OH before he left his ex - that really should ring alarm bells about the relationship. Anyone who is talking to a new partner (or potential new partner) before they've left their old one about how close they expect you to be to their child is a bit of a shit. I'd back off. Fast.

Out2pasture · 28/08/2017 02:14

the man you are partners with comes with a child the exact same as if he came with 3 arms. the child will always be attached to him.
like it or not you will either need to incorporate this child into your "family circle" or leave.
i'm not sure what a maternal role is (I am a mother) and as far as I can tell a maternal role is simply being kind and generous with a smaller sized human.
if boring aunt matilda came to visit would you not give her a book to read, try and have fun in the kitchen with her, help her put on her knickers if need be, do her laundry before she heads back to her home...give her a hug as she shuffled on the bus??

minisoksmakehardwork · 28/08/2017 02:18

Nicely, the boundaries changed when you fell pregnant. I'm sorry for your loss but the pregnancy has shown your oh that you could be a mother, so he has now thought of you in that role with regards to his son.

If you cannot be in this new role then you should leave now. At the heart of this is a young boy who has already seen his dad walk away from one relationship (with his mum) and who will be forming ideas about how relationships work. If you stay, you will be damaging him as well as risking your own relationship long term.

In addition, if you were to fall pregnant again, where would your oh's son feature if you are only comfortable with your own child? It's a big ask to expect a young child to understand that he has a half sibling whose mother wants nothing to do with him but does want his daddy.

intergalacticbrexitdisco · 28/08/2017 02:20

Send him back to the mother of his child...if she'll have him, that is.

SomeDoNot · 28/08/2017 02:25

It seems like a sign that he now sees your relationship as significant. If you have children are they never going to see their half brother?

Original poster
FlyingFox95 · 28/08/2017 02:26

I've expressed very strongly from the start that I don't want to plan a family for at least another 5 years as I'm still doing my degree. My pregnancy was accidental but it's hard to say what would happen if I became pregnant again. I started to love the idea for the short time I had one.. I thought I would have had an abortion but I couldn't do it at the time.

I'm kind to his son, but I'm unsettled when it comes to putting him so bed and so on. Sucks but guess I took my partners word for it when he accepted that

OP posts:
SparklyMagpie · 28/08/2017 02:26

How can this work? Do you expect to never really have any input with his son, i mean say you two are together in 5 years time, do you still plan on not being involved with the little boy?

As a PP said,i couldn't be with someone who didn't want to be involved with my child (obviously depending on length of relationship)

It can't work OP,i'd call it a day

How long have you both been in a relationship?

NameWithChange · 28/08/2017 02:30

He's played you. Sorry. No decent father would sideline their child for a new relationship. If you get involved with a man with a child you are involved with that child, end of. It is not fair to hold that child at arms length because of how you feel.

This relationship isn't right for you right now, good luck with your degree.