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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Can I establish a boundary here or should I leave now?

72 replies

FlyingFox95 · 28/08/2017 01:30

Hey everyone, just looking for advice really. If I'm unreasonable then that's fine.

To explain my situation, I am in a relationship with a man who has a 4 year old son.

I'm not comfortable around children at all. I became pregnant but miscarried. It's hard to explain how I felt... As mentioned I wasn't comfortable, I was upset about how I wouldn't like being around a child and didn't know what to do but at the same time I felt attached to mine. In the end I didn't get to choose. Not a guilt trip, just background.

Any way, before he left his ex he agreed that he did not expect me to be close to his child and that I did not need to be nearby on his days. However since our loss he has asked me to spend more time as a "stepmother".

He knows I don't like spending time with children and that was accepted before we got together but since our loss he has commented that it suits me and that I should practise

my head is still all over the place but I just don't know... Am I wrong here? We had agreed where we were at beforehand (I've met his son but don't take on a maternal role) but he feels I should be much more maternal. I'm not comfortable with it in the sense that im generally not maternal and I'm feeling vulnerable... Should I leave or is it reasonable to say that i can't take on this?We have been dating since January but I have only met his son about 2/3 times as they have generally met when I'm not in. Sorry for this xxx

OP posts:

shockshockhorror · 28/08/2017 02:30

You shouldn't have been "agreeing" on the terms of your relationship before your boyfriend had even left the mother of his child.

You should leave him and not emotionally damage his poor child any further.

NameWithChange · 28/08/2017 02:31

Please do everything you can to not get pregnant again - now is not the time for you.

Original poster

FlyingFox95 · 28/08/2017 02:31

We have been together since January but known each other for a few years. Is there not a difference between having involvement and taking on parental roles though? I rarely see him but when I do I watch a movie with him, make an effort with him.. I'm not a total monster. It's when my boyfriend is asking me to read him stories at bedtime, take him to the park most days and so on that I get a bit uncomfortable because I feel like I'm his dad's girlfriend not his mum

Not sure if it's him trying to keep me occupied, definitely something that needs discussion xx

OP posts:

NameWithChange · 28/08/2017 02:35

He wants another mother for his child. There are a lot of alarm bells here op, hear them.

NameWithChange · 28/08/2017 02:36

He is not respecting your feelings or your future career at all. This is not a good start to a relationship.

Original poster

FlyingFox95 · 28/08/2017 02:38

I agree Namewithchange. I'm happy to make an effort within reason but I'm not a mother and at this moment in time I don't want to be one.

OP posts:

sobeyondthehills · 28/08/2017 02:39

I might be going against the flow here, but it very much depends on what you mean by not being comfortable.

For context when I got with DP, I was clear I was not going to have children, he was clear he came as a package, that was sorted between us. We had a bedroom for his son and the basic was his son was round, he was my partners responibilty, but at times I got pulled into games, which his son would teach me and then beat me we went on walks and I lost very little in the way of me time because it was very much DP wanted to spend it was his DS.

However we then had our own child and that does change things, you start seeing it more from how I would want someone to treat my child and your view does change DSS can now say if he wants more time with his dad, in which case that happens or to spend it with us as a family.

I have written this and just reread your post to make sure I hadn't missed anything and I had, you got involved with a married man who had a child and you seem to expect him to continue your affair as it was, without bringing his child into it. That is no longer going to be the case, whereas I was not comfortable with children, I knew full well that I would either have to accept my DP and his child or leave. Having an affair seems to say you don't and still don't give a fuck about his child. So I would suggest moving on to your next target

Out2pasture · 28/08/2017 02:41

any involvement with a small child is "parental" you are the adult and need to guide the child. even professional child minders/nanny's cuddle, settle little ones in bed, read stories etc.

NameWithChange · 28/08/2017 02:48

Flying - and you have told him! And he has ignored that!

There is a very vulnerable little 4 year old in the middle of this who's needs you must put first even if his dad won't.

Be strong and trust your gut. I'm sure you want to do the right thing.

SerfTerf · 28/08/2017 02:59

This obsession with "maternal role" is confusing and frankly a bit odd.

SparklyMagpie · 28/08/2017 03:17

SerfTerf i completely agree!

Gaggleofgirls · 28/08/2017 03:28

You shouldn't be together, in fact you should never have got together knowing he has a child that will always come first and knowing how you feel about children.
Call it a day.

steff13 · 28/08/2017 03:37

I think you should break it off. He has a child, if you hope to have a long-term relationship with him you'll have to have a role in the child's life. I don't think this is the right relationship for you. Also, if I've understood correctly, he was negotiating the terms of your relationship while he was still with the child's mother. If that's the case, how can you trust him? I would always have in the back of my mind that if he did it to her, he's do it to me.

honeyroar · 28/08/2017 03:50

You're with the wrong man. His little boy will pay for it. It's not right. Being a stepmum is tough when you want to be one, it must be awful if you don't.

BUT... Are you sure you wouldn't get used to it? I found it really strange at first, but as I got to know my stepson and love him it all became easy and natural.

Applesandpears56 · 28/08/2017 03:51

Yup agree with another pp - send him back to the mother of his child. I think many people have overlooked the fact here you said you guys got together whilst they were in a relationship still.

user1500161471 · 28/08/2017 04:06

I think unfortunately it may end up being a deal breaker for your relationship. It's only going to get harder and there will be increased expectations for you as time goes on. If you're uncomfortable now, chances are it's only going to get worse.

Do you ever see yourself taking on these tasks more as a team? I don't ever put my DSD to bed myself but me and my DP do it together, read the story together etc but we worked to get to that stage with DSD being comfortable.

JWrecks · 28/08/2017 04:07

I'm not sure what exactly you mean by "uncomfortable" "unsettled" etc., but I get the sense that this quote is very telling:

"I'm unsettled when it comes to putting him so bed and so on"

Are you nervous about things like that? Perhaps nervous and uncomfortable that you'll make a mistake or not know what to do, accidentally allow the child to get hurt or something? Are you uncomfortable with and unsettled by the responsibility of looking after another life?

I see that you may want a family in the future but are not ready to start planning yet, but I don't really understand the discomfort yet. You're not completely averse to and repulsed by children, I'm guessing, so I don't understand exactly why you're so very reluctant to simply spend a little more time with his son and possibly work your way up to more actual involvement. Or are you more apprehensive that you simply will not enjoy the experience?

From only what I've seen here, of course, I sort of feel like I agree with him. I do think you would get used to, become more comfortable, and likely even come to enjoy being a part of his son's life if you started doing so. There's no reason to jump right into parenting, but little things like putting him to bed, taking him to a park once in a while, would likely turn out to be fairly pleasant - barring a meltdown! - and would certainly help ease the burden on your DP as well.

Your DP's son is very much a part of your DP - not a part of his life but a part of him, part of what makes him who he is, part of his thoughts and intentions and future plans, everything. Accepting him is accepting his child, and there being a barrier between you and his son is a barrier between you and DP as well.

badabing36 · 28/08/2017 04:08

Sorry for your loss op.

Your do is putting you in an unfair position. I am I right to think that since your loss you are more uncomfortable with his son, not less? If so your dp is being very selfish.

Leaving his wife - selfish. Getting with someone who doesn't want kids when he already has one - selfish. Not taking enough precautions with birth control - selfish. Expecting you to become a miraculous second mother to his kid - selfish.

Can you see where I'm going with this?

AcrossthePond55 · 28/08/2017 04:28

For whatever reason, his position has 'shifted'. The change in his attitude makes it darned near impossible to continue your relationship. He has no right to ask you to take on a more maternal role with his child. You certainly don't have to put yourself in an uncomfortable position to make him happy when it would make you unhappy.

His child does and should come first with him. If you can't be what he feels he needs for his child then you need to end the relationship. If you don't, you'll end up resenting him and/or the child which is not fair to any of the three of you.

I decided early on that I would never date a man with children. It's not that I didn't like children, I love them and looked forward to the day I became a mother. I just that I knew I didn't want to take on a 'stepmother' role nor have to deal with the issues surrounding exes and children and all it encompasses. You may want to consider making that decision, too.

BTW, I married a lovely man with no children, we had children of our own and life has been good.

Petalflowers · 28/08/2017 04:34

From your recent updates, I can see where you are coming from. It's not that you don't like spending time with the boy as such, but you aren't ready to do the more mummy stuff such as putting the boy to bed, reading bedtime stories etc. You feel his dad should be doing this.

mathanxiety · 28/08/2017 04:40

He is telling you what suits you??

The time for boundaries is long past.

You are not the one that has the boundary issue here.

Run. Don't walk. Don't look back.

magoria · 28/08/2017 04:47

Actually I think OP is right.

They may have known each other for years but have only been dating for 7/8 months and in that time she had met his child less than a handful of times.

She is his girlfriend. She is not his sons step parent.

I think sitting watching a movie and being friendly is all that is required of her.

He should be doing the bedtime routine etc when the child is in his care.

However I agree with others. It was off that you and you DP were agreeing your role in this child's life when he was still with the mother.

Look how he treated her.

You are starting to reap what you deserve with a man who treats people like this to get what he wants.

FastWindow · 28/08/2017 04:57

Do not get involved with this man. You are not okay with his kids. That's fine, for you, but not OK for his children
Walk away unless you are prepared to love them.
Man is secondary in this, really. You take him on, you take this full history and life.
Fwiw - my three stepsons are awesome.

troodiedoo · 28/08/2017 05:03

You're not comfortable with children. He has a child. Therefore you are not compatible. Please end it and spare the poor boy any further upset.

Sarikiz · 28/08/2017 05:03

This little boy is going to be with his father for life.
It is very sad you cannot accept this.
Your relationship has no future in my opinion.
If you dislike being around children so much why be with a man who has a child.
Your young still at university you need to decide what you want from life because it is certainly not being a step mother to your partners child.

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