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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Can I establish a boundary here or should I leave now?

72 replies

FlyingFox95 · 28/08/2017 01:30

Hey everyone, just looking for advice really. If I'm unreasonable then that's fine.

To explain my situation, I am in a relationship with a man who has a 4 year old son.

I'm not comfortable around children at all. I became pregnant but miscarried. It's hard to explain how I felt... As mentioned I wasn't comfortable, I was upset about how I wouldn't like being around a child and didn't know what to do but at the same time I felt attached to mine. In the end I didn't get to choose. Not a guilt trip, just background.

Any way, before he left his ex he agreed that he did not expect me to be close to his child and that I did not need to be nearby on his days. However since our loss he has asked me to spend more time as a "stepmother".

He knows I don't like spending time with children and that was accepted before we got together but since our loss he has commented that it suits me and that I should practise

my head is still all over the place but I just don't know... Am I wrong here? We had agreed where we were at beforehand (I've met his son but don't take on a maternal role) but he feels I should be much more maternal. I'm not comfortable with it in the sense that im generally not maternal and I'm feeling vulnerable... Should I leave or is it reasonable to say that i can't take on this?We have been dating since January but I have only met his son about 2/3 times as they have generally met when I'm not in. Sorry for this xxx

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 28/08/2017 05:10

I would bet any amount of money that this man will somehow manage to have another child with you and will then leave you.

FastWindow · 28/08/2017 05:11

Oh - didn't realise initially this was an AIBU.

YABU and should leave now, in response to the op. For the child's sake. Sorry.

LilyMcClellan · 28/08/2017 05:30

I don't get a single thing about this.

So you were having either an emotional affair or a full-blown affair with your "best friend", who had a kid, and he decided to leave his wife for you under the understanding that you weren't going to play step-mummy.

Then, despite being "uncomfortable with children" and not wanting any for a long time, you were careless enough about contraception to get pregnant, but miscarried (sadly).

Now he's ignoring your earlier agreement and pressuring you to play step-mummy already. And despite only having met his kid a couple of times, you're doing hands-on care like putting him to bed?

No wonder you're confused about setting boundaries. It appears that neither of you have much experience in doing so.

As PPs have said, this relationship doesn't appear to have much future.

Gorgosparta · 28/08/2017 06:54

The relationship is not going to work.

Both of you should have known that you couldn't keep this up for long. Eventually you and dp will become a family (even without kids of your own) and the child is part of that family.

Your Dp cant continue to keep you btoh in seperate boxes. Both of you did not think of the implications and the impact on a child.

A child should not grow up knowing a step parent is uncomfortable around them and has hardly anything to do with them. Kids do pick up on this stuff.

Silverdream · 28/08/2017 06:55

If you are living together his son is part of your family unit.
Should you have a baby in the future you would have to be there when he has access.
You won't ever be his mum but you have a roll in his life and that is to show him how a family unit works, to show he is loved and to form a loving relationship with him as he is family too.
You are not his mum but you are his step mum and you really need to connect and have a deeper relationship with him than being an acquaintance.

Hissy · 28/08/2017 07:07

Hold on, affair aside, those"father of the year" is dumping HIS responsibility on his girlfriend!

HE needs to put HIS son to bed, HE takes HIS SON to the park etc etc.

Sounds like his ex is better off without him

Op, tell him to be a parent to his own son and stop insisting on delegating it to you.

Better yet, send him home.

Hissy · 28/08/2017 07:08

This. Not those father of the year

Sunshinegirls · 28/08/2017 07:31

You should probably leave now before it gets even messier tbh.

YellowFlower201 · 28/08/2017 07:40

Perhaps he thinks spending time with another child will help you cope with your loss?
Who knows... it all sounds less than ideal for you, your partner and most importantly the 4 year old.

Smitff · 28/08/2017 07:53

I can't understand why you're getting the kid glove treatment here. You got together with a married man with a 4yo son, thinking you could reasonably have nothing much to do with the boy. What on earth were you thinking?? What long term hope did you have for this relationship? What were you doing shagging a married man? Did you spare a single thought for the innocent child in this? How, practically, did you think this would pan out? Why did you choose a man with a child if you're uncomfortable around children?? Of course your boyfriend is equally if not more culpable in all this. But you're a grown woman.

Leave the poor kid alone, leave your boyfriend to sort himself out and do the decent thing by his kid.

JacquesHammer · 28/08/2017 07:55

Flyingfox - the sort of relationship could work if you weren't living together. I have that sort of relationship. I only see my partner when DD is at her dads. It works for us.

However the fact he's changing boundaries would set alarm bells ringing

Nousernameforme · 28/08/2017 07:55

Run away and do not look back.

He cheated on the mother of his child with you his best friend.
He now realises that when he has his son, he has to care for him 100% and doesn't like this so wants to get you firmly into the mummy role, fuck that

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 28/08/2017 08:22

Do you think you're uncomfortable being with his child because they remind you of what you've done- been instrumental in a marriage break up?

And as for him, his boundaries seem to be changing all the time,don't they? Why would they be any different with you?

Nuttynoo · 28/08/2017 09:10

Why would you have an affair with a married man with kids, set up home with him after he leaves them for you, and then decide that kids aren't for you? Clearly kids are for you as you loved being pregnant. I'm going to be harsh here but could this be because this is your stepchild and either he or most likely you have issues about that?

His kids aren't going to magically disappear when you have your own. You will either have to learn how to be a proper stepmum to them or leave your partner and next time stick with only having affairs with men without kids

MaryLennoxsScowl · 28/08/2017 09:21

What Hissy and NoUserName said - he should be doing bedtimes and taking his child to the park, not trying to get you to do it! How long does he have the child each time? A weekend? How old is the kid?

FizzyGreenWater · 28/08/2017 09:22

Yes you should end the relationship.

because you are very definitely not comfortable and it doesn't sound as if you will be. That is fine.

because he is changing the goal posts and being quite manipulative about it. 'Stepmum' 'suits you' 'you SHOULD practice' - red flag

because actually his child is the most important person here and arguably if you are truly not comforable in a quasi- parental role then it would be best to move on

and finally because I have a nasty slight hunch from the things you describe (wanting you to take him to the park most days, wanting you to read bedtime stories) that your partner wants you to slot into this role for his benefit - the typical 'I have a female to hand, of course she should be doing at least some of this parenting'- he wants you to take on some of the work. His son doesn't live with him - I find it amazing that he wouldn't want to be the one reading the stories on the nights he does have him...

NeedsAsockamnesty · 28/08/2017 09:31

Christ alive.

I wouldn't feel comfortable having a serious parental role with the child of a man I had only been dating for 8 months.

And I would be pretty disgusted with any father who was pushing for that with that time scale.

Kids don't get to choose who comes into their lives like this but the adults do have a choice in how they build a relationship and should use that choice wisely

Namethecat · 28/08/2017 09:40

So you say you would not be adverse to having a child of your own at some point but do not like being in the company of other children. If/when you have a child , that child will bring other children (friends,school etc ) into your life and if you plan to avoid those situations your child will suffer and not have a normal upbringing. If you have a real fear of children I suggest you look into some form of counselling to see where your fear comes from. If however you just do not like the thought of a man already having a child in his life and do not want your time with him taken up by the needs of a child then any man with a child is not for you.

sweetbitter · 28/08/2017 10:14

I think it's absolutely fine to not want to do bedtimes/solo outings to the park with him etc. I have a great relationship with my DSS but it is formed around spending nice time together (and usually with DP too) playing games, going on trips, watching films etc.

DP is the parent and he is the one who does bedtimes, discipline etc IMO. Of course I'm happy to step in occasionally when DP is specifically busy with something, but I would not want to end up doing 50/50 of the parental stuff when DSS is with us. It wouldn't work for me, and not for DSS either as he wants his actual dad to be doing the parenting. I have more of an aunt type role to DSS, definitely NOT maternal.

YANBU, I wonder if your DP just can't be arsed with the daily parenting he has to do when DS is with him and is looking for you to step in to relieve the burden?

MrsNoMates · 28/08/2017 10:19

I think even if you do feel comfortable in the future with this child and develop a relationship, the child may have issues of his own as he understands more because you were the woman his dad left his mum for so there could be some resentment there.

It's fine not to want to play "stepmum" so soon in to the relationship. Your partner can't just think he can "slot" you in as that role because he's realised he has to look after his child 100% now he isn't with the mother. But I think the fact you say you're not maternal, not ready and can't see yourself playing any kind of role in this child's life is a sure sign this relationship isn't for you.

With my dp, I knew he had a son, knew it had to be done slowly but I also saw myself being involved in his life at some point and accepted. Even now I wouldn't see myself as stepmum, I am (my name) his dads partner, I will look after him if needed and be a role model but I'm not his mum because he has a mum.

If you don't want to be involved with kids then I wouldn't go out without someone who does. It's going to cause problems for everyone. Maybe find someone who is childless then you can decide between you when you are both ready for children, if at all

mathanxiety · 28/08/2017 21:29

OP, do you have friends? Do you have a university-related social life? If not, don't cheat yourself out of one. Go out and get friends and a social life and leave this harmful relationship behind. Work hard for your degree. When graduate, get a job and continue to enjoy being single.

How old are you? What age is the man you are involved with?

IsItWarmOutside · 29/08/2017 01:32

'I'm not comfortable around children' in these circumstances why are you in a relationship with someone who has a child???

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