To be totally sick of my DM constantly trying to run my life for me

[Mittens1969]

I know there have been a few threads like this. My DM just can't stop herself from making 'suggestions', which I supposedly don't have to do (why would I think I did have to??)), but she just goes on and on about it. She also can't believe it when we don't follow her advice.

We've just come back from a lovely holiday and my DM cat sat for us, she is very kind which makes me feel awful for my rant, then she said we should stay two nights with my DH's family for more of a break. I said we couldn't as it was too short notice and we were going home as planned but she still assumed it would happen because she had suggested it. (Never mind whether it was convenient for anyone else!!)

She then left an important bag behind because she only twigged late on that she wouldn't be staying away a couple more nights as she suggested so it was a bit of a rush. We had to arrange to meet her to hand it over (quite funny in a way).

She still refers to us as her 'children', I'm 48 and my DH is 52, and we're both worn down by her. I feel awful because my DDs love her and she really does mean well, but I'm seriously pissed off, I just want her to back off!!

So it will be a cattery next time anyway!!

Is anyone reading this? I know answers might be hard. But would I be U to tell her to just stop? I don't want to go NC with her, as I virtually am with my DB, but I can't go on like this!!

I don't see anything that would be worthy of going nc. And you are her children. Regardless of your age

I think you havent really conveyed the problem in your post.

Because you sound totally unreasonable to be thinking of going NC.

What is the problem?

Sometimes you just have to say firmly "Listen, I'm 48 for god's sake. When are you going to treat me like an adult?"

I think you should just say 'thanks, great idea but we're doing X'

Acknowledge and shit down

I know, I did say I didn't want to do that, I'm just becoming very worn down by it at the moment. There is a back story of her neglecting us as children and not knowing that our father and others were abusing my DSis and me. She's devastated by this now, but it makes it all very difficult to take.

What about it is so wearing? Simply saying no isn't usually that wearing for people.

Do you get into discussions with her? Does she give you sad face?

Wow, massive drip feed!

I know what you mean about beung referred to as the 'children'.

My mother calls me and my partner 'the kids' or 'the children' which I find weird. My partner is not her child. And we are in our 30s so not exactly children. The most irritating is the fact that she will talk to and treat other people who are exactly my age like adults, yet treats me like I am 12.

But then my mother is generally a narcissistic cow.

OP, I understand what you mean. Either have a word with her or ignore her suggestions.

Yes sorry about that, I just didn't want my OP to get too long, and I wasn't sure I wanted to go into the back story, but obviously my reactions seem over the top without doing so.

It's wearing because it's been the same story over and over again, all through my life. She'll say she doesn't mind if I don't do what she suggests, but then she goes back to it again and again. She also loves to say, I told you so. It just never changes!!

And yes, she's good at the emotional blackmail. She won't talk about subjects that are difficult, like the past, saying why would we spoil a nice day out? So I end up pretending all is well when it's not.

@MrsChopper, that's it exactly!! In our case, she treats people far younger than we are like adults!

It really annoys my DH, but he's too nice to say anything to her.

I do ignore her suggestions but then she assumes we're doing what she suggested even if I tell her we're not!!

She also interferes with my parenting of our DDs, and treats our DD1, who has Attachment Disorder, far too harshly. She's adopted so it's not appropriate. She'll listen to what the social worker has said, as well as me, but she still goes her own way.

Oh well, I guess there wasn't much to say really, I've had my rant, I was feeling very low today and it's hard not to blame my DM when I'm feeling like that. Here she is fussing around us all when we're adults and yet she didn't do that when we needed it.

But in reality it's because the person who is really to blame is no longer around.

Anyway, no doubt we'll just go on sucking it up where my DM is concerned, my DDs love her and actually I do too, deep down.

I really sympathise @Mittens1969 - we've chatted on my thread along similar lines and it is exhausting to feel that your DM can't seem to view you as an adult. I did cbt for this a while back and worked although you have to be prepared for DM not to like the change in your status quo. You can't change her, but you can change how you respond to her. It's very liberating x

That sounds wearing, though I imagine going NC with her might actually cause you more upset as it sounds like you recognise some of your anger at your DM is misplaced.

I can sort of relate as my DM often likes to offer advice but her advice is based on her looking for problems where there aren't any (eg telling me I should be wary of my colleague giving me career advice as she was convinced the colleague just wanted my job). Now I try to just thank her for the advice and move on, and also avoid talking about issues where I'd be likely to get upset if she offered this type of perspective.

Yes you love her, but you need to put some distance between you. For yourself AND for your DC.

You're deliberately fooling yourself if you think she won't do the same to your DC as she has done/is doing to you.

Practice a few stock standard phrases and answers for her, and just repeat them. 'No mother, we will not be doing that just because you think it's a great idea'. 'No mother, we are doing something different'. 'No mother, we prefer doing x and so won't be doing y', 'No thank you mother, I'm quite capable of making my own decisions'.

I did this with my mum and it annoyed her to no end, but it did finally get through and she backed off (after a few slanging matches where she got a bit nasty, but hey ho). Also using 'mum' when she was being decent and 'mother' when she was being a pain in the arse (much like using a full name to tell a child off) actually worked a treat. She knew damn well she was crossing a line when I used mother.

@gingergenius, thank you, yes I remember. It is exhausting for sure. I am doing CBT to deal with an eating disorder (partly because of how she went on at me about my weight growing up).

My DSis has always been better at standing up for herself, but what DM does then is lay on the emotional blackmail, turns on the water works. She always does that when we bring up the past. Now that is exhausting because I have to pretend all is well when it's not.

She still refers to us as her 'children'

This complaint is just so... bizarre it's hard to know how to take the rest of the OP.

Of course, you then dripfeed the real issue in subsequent posts. Which is perfectly valid, btw.

@TalkinBoutNuthin, thank you, I do try to do that. We stopped her from having unsupervised contact with the DDs for a while, and I still don't allow her to take both of them out, as she ends up being much harsher with DD1 than DD2 - she denies her treats that she allows DD2. I have told her this isn't on - she undermines me in front of them, taking over when I'm dealing with their behaviour already.

When she lays on the water works say 'I'm finding this distressing so I need to go now, goodbye' and then hang up (if on the phone) or leave (if you are physically with her.

She knows that turning the water works on will work, that's why she does it. Stop letting it work and it will happen less. More painful at first, but less painful in the long run.

@ButchyRestingFace, that's the complaint that my DH has about her. It wouldn't be an issue if she didn't also treat me that way, undermining me when I'm dealing with my DDs.

Mittens, your mother sounds very clever. She knows exactly what she is doing and she does it because it works for her.

You need to make sure it STOPS working for her. That is the ONLY way you will be able to manage this.

If she undermines you, leave. If she treats them differently, leave. If she puts pressure on you say 'I'm sorry mother, but after the last time I need to have some time away from you' and make sure a longer period of time passes before you see her again.

If she does love you and is just a bit of a messed up person, she will get there eventually and then so will your relationship with her.

If she's a grade A bitch the confrontation will send her off the deep end, and you will know that you have done the right thing by pulling away.

win/win

I think one issue can be that when you're in the middle of it all, you relate what's happened but can't work out why it bothers you so much. It's only once you do back off a bit that you start to realise how much else there was that bothered you, but that had become a 'normal' part of the relationship.

Could you go low contact? or maybe give yourself a few days with no input at all as regularly as possible?

@TalkinBoutNuthin, that is what I can never work out, I end up confused. She is very bright, she now has a PhD fgs, so how could she have been so unaware of what my father was doing? She claims to have no memory at all, and conveniently forgets things that my DSis and I have told her. (The memories were repressed for years and we're trying to piece things together. It's destroyed our trust in her, but we don't know whether she was complicit or thoroughly negligent. Neither option is good tbh.)

Then there's our DB, who is mentally ill, but as a teenager he also did things to us. He was only copying what he'd seen, but it's left me going virtually NC with him because of his complete lack of memory about it. (He does remember some things though.) DM is in complete denial and when the police have been involved has become thoroughly controlling, nearly got herself charged with obstruction. She's worried about him being charged and wanted me to find out what the consequences were likely to be if we reported him.

So, in short, I don't trust what she says about the past, so for the moment I'm going along with not talking about if. I'm leaving it to the police, they will be interviewing her at some point.

Sorry for this massive drip feed, I just wasn't sure how much to share, but this whole situation is impossible to understand without the back story.

There is an old saying "There are none so blind as those who will not see. The most deluded people are those who choose to ignore what they already know".

That would describe your mother. She doesn't know because she DOES know, but she doesn't WANT to know. You can't fight that, all you can do is protect yourself.

You have the right to do what she never did, put YOU first.