To be totally sick of my DM constantly trying to run my life for me

[Mittens1969]

I know there have been a few threads like this. My DM just can't stop herself from making 'suggestions', which I supposedly don't have to do (why would I think I did have to??)), but she just goes on and on about it. She also can't believe it when we don't follow her advice.

We've just come back from a lovely holiday and my DM cat sat for us, she is very kind which makes me feel awful for my rant, then she said we should stay two nights with my DH's family for more of a break. I said we couldn't as it was too short notice and we were going home as planned but she still assumed it would happen because she had suggested it. (Never mind whether it was convenient for anyone else!!)

She then left an important bag behind because she only twigged late on that she wouldn't be staying away a couple more nights as she suggested so it was a bit of a rush. We had to arrange to meet her to hand it over (quite funny in a way).

She still refers to us as her 'children', I'm 48 and my DH is 52, and we're both worn down by her. I feel awful because my DDs love her and she really does mean well, but I'm seriously pissed off, I just want her to back off!!

So it will be a cattery next time anyway!!

I know what you mean. Suggestions aren't merely suggestions, but orders which should be followed because she is the authority and you are the child. The suggestions themselves can be extremely trivial but the motivation behind it, to control, is still there.
The difference with our mothers is that you said yours is kind, and she did you a favour. Mine is too spiteful and can't be trusted to do a simple favour because 1) I'd be on eggshells wondering what could have gone wrong/in what way would she have changed plans agreed on 2) I wouldn't want to be indebted to her as it would be an eternal reference point which I would never be allowed to forget.
You might find that when you begin to assert yourself, firmly but in a non-confrontational way, she will actually back off and you will have less contact anyway. Good luck

Thank you, @Beadieeye. There is some walking on eggshells in our case, but it's more the case with my DSis than with me, their relationship has always been more stormy, but that's because I've avoided confrontation and then vented to DH. So she sees her as being manipulative and controlling.

I prefer to give her the benefit of the doubt. But she herself was abused by an uncle at 10, after losing both her parents. So she's damaged too.

My only responsibility in this is to protect both my DDs, DD1 already has Attachment Disorder because of her adoption history and a head injury at her foster carer's home.

I agree, @TalkinBoutNuthin, I think of her in terms of 'see no evil, hear no evil.' I'm also very aware of how controlling my father was, and she really loved him.

I ended up having a huge row with my mother (had a thread on here too, but I guess that may have vanished by now). I more or less didn't speak to her at all for a while and felt surprisingly happy with that. I have started taking DC to see her but I am keeping contact minimal. Although she has so far 'behaved herself', I know deep down she has not changed at all and it's only a matter of time until her old ways come through again. Which is when I will go NC.

Re being referred to as 'the children' I had this the other day when DM was trying parent my kids over the top of me: they asked me a question and she jumped in with both feet and answered in a way that I wouldn't have, whilst I was sitting there gawping like a goldfish. When I pulled her up on it and stated that as their mother this decision she had made on my behalf was inappropriate and could she please not do that, and she tittered that she was just an old silly, and didn't mean any harm, but she still thinks of me as her baby. It's bullshit. She would treat a friend of my age like that, and I find it really fogeating so I know where you are coming from @Mittens1969 x

@gingergenius, you do seem to have a very similar relationship with your DM to the one I have with mine. I know she means no harm, she just gets her role wrong, that's why I really am reluctant to hurt her.

Low level contact is the best idea; my DSis has moved to the other end of the country to get away from her, which was a wise move.

There seems to be a pattern here. Your mum means well but does things that a clearly wrong and which other people don't do. This results in you, your siblings and your children getting hurt.

She has trained you very well to put her feeling above everyone else's. Above all, no matter what, must mum be upset.

It looks like that happened in your childhood with devastating effects and it is happening now.

Let her feel hurt. She should feel hurt. She should cry. She should feel awful. Maybe maybe that will drive her to examine her behaviour and change.

Stop sacrificing yourself to help her avoid the natural consequences of her own behaviour.

That's true actually, it was my father who trained us that way, so we would keep what was happening secret. So much so that we repressed the memories for years, I had flashbacks that couldn't be placed, and other PTSD symptoms.

It sounds as if it is not very healthy to have her in your lives. I would not trust her to care for any children. I hope you & your dsis are supporting each other.

forgot to add these. X

@Velvian, thanks. X

She sounds really irritating. You'd think that she would have gotten the hint by now. Best to tell her I think, she may not realise that she's doing it.

True, it's not just us either, she's annoyed everybody she's ever worked with as well. It's just that we're stuck with her sadly, she's nearly 78 (though you wouldn't know it with all the travelling she does and the charity work), so she's hardly going to change now.

Tragically, the damage to my DB is extreme so the cost has been far too much. And to my DSis and me too though not so visible.

We both have our DCs so they're our priority now.

My mother is like this and I'm also in my late forties. She's not helpful though and would never cat sit!! she does expect me to drop everything for her though. She can't understand why I can't drop everything and then goes on and on and on!! She's the emotional blackmail queen andnis full of "what you should do" comments. We're going away for Christmas this year and she'll be presuming she's coming over as usual but I don't plan on telling her until December because I can't cope with the weeks of ear bashing

My mil is a bit like this. She means well but is too full on. For instance I mentioned couple of weeks ago that we were planning to book a last minute weekend away before the kids went back to school. Didn't matter where just wanted go away for a night or two. Next thing I'm being bombarded with messages on Facebook from her screen shotting loads of weekend breaks. This went on all that afternoon, then she was ringing me up saying did you see that one I think you should go there kids would love it etc then she moved on to another it is wearing trying to politely decline all the time. In the end we decided to go on a camping weekend and borrowed a friends tent - she then moaned about al of her hard work (searching on Google when nobody asked her to) not being considered. Give me strength!!

I know how you feel

@hannah1992, yes that's exactly what my DM does. She can't just say that's a nice idea and move on. And if ever I talk about a difficulty we're facing she thinks she should go into 'problem solving' mode. I don't need that! I'm just talking to her fgs! My DH and I can find our own solutions. And the problems with my MH were at least partially down to her in the first place.

And then her ideas go wrong and she has to admit that she didn't help us at all. My DH gets really fed up with this aspect.

@Tainbri, yes my DM is kind, it's why I've never had anything out with her and have just lived with it. It was lovely of her to catsit as cattery costs are expensive when you have 4 cats.

The problem is that she creates more problems than she solves. She thinks she's helping; for example she went on holiday with my DSis and her family when her older DS was 5 weeks old and insisted on having him in her room to help my DSis, who wasn't strong enough to object. When my DM talks to me about it, she thinks she was being helpful but my DSis didn't want that kind of help. Yes she's in your face and it's very hard to argue with her without causing a row and a lot of unpleasantness, which is why she continues not to see how controlling she is.

This is why I needed help to work out if my DSis and I are being U to object to her.

Thank you, all, for your thoughts on this. It's very telling to see how common it is. I just really hope I don't end up doing this to my DDs.

I know a family who still does a family Christmas photo card and annual letter.

We have been wondering for a decade when it will stop.

The "children" are now 28, 26 and 24. Some of the Christmas photos are of them in bikinis and trunks on the beach. A card with 3 half naked adults on it......!

You say you have neglect and abuse issues and she babies you but you're happy to use her as a free cat sitter. Shrugs.

My mother thinks that my being an atheist is still an act of teenage rebellion and that I'll come round. Im in my

just dont engage her on those issues. I dont get drawn into it with my mum as she wont ever see my view point.

In my 30s that should say.

@NikiBabe, she has cat sat a couple of times, mostly we use the cattery. And it wasn't actually free in the end, I said she could use our phone for her work, which included calls to Africa, totalling £130. We could only do 999 calls when we got back as she'd exceeded the allowance in our phone contract. I won't tell her that as I did say she could use the phone, but actually the cattery wouldn't have cost much more.

I still call my 36 year and 32 year olds my children. They are and they always will be.

Having said that your mother does come across as rather narcissistic in your drip feed posts so you have my sympathy.

My DM was like this and can be still. YY to annoying everyone she's ever worked with. I had a lot of therapy and still have it.

I had a long period of low contact, not sharing stuff with her and building up my boundaries - so when she burst into tears I could recognise it as 'that thing mum does' and leave, or hang up rather than changing my behaviour back to what she wanted.

I feel very compassionate towards my DM as I know about her abuse and what shaped her so for all her problems, she has been resilient and this is how she has made it through. She never had any help or therapy and it is too late now.

I found when I persistently changed the rules she did eventually change her behaviour - she does love me, she just didn't know how else to express it. It was bloody hard though.

She does still try to solve problems that don't need solving, cook food I won't eat and tidy my knicker drawer but I filter it out now and she doesn't seem to mind I ignore 99.9% of her suggestions. I never thought we would manage to be close but we are.

She'll say she doesn't mind if I don't do what she suggests, but then she goes back to it again and again. She also loves to say, I told you so. It just never changes!!

This is my mother to a T, even the emotional blackmail. I absolutely adore her and we are very close (too close?) but it is incredibly frustrating to be told what to do in my 40's and not really recognised as an adult. I find that a massive blow up once in a while just happens (once/twice a year?) as I let it go and let it go until I cant stand it anymore. The funny thing is that my dm has absolutely no idea that she is doing it and that it is annoying. She looks so utterly non-plussed when I lose my rag but things to improve for a while afterwards. I totally understand how wearing you find it.

@sunshinesupermum, I think it wouldn't be an issue her calling us her children if she didn't also treat us that way. My DH hasn't forgotten how she said, oh she's really (my maiden name) and always will be. He didn't like the fact that she was acting like we weren't a separate family unit.

Perhaps you could find a strategy to contain her and limit her influence on your life?

On a similar thread, another poster linked to this website:

outofthefog.website/

I think you would find a lot of the strategies on there very helpful.