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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DD denying everything WWYD?

86 replies

tigercub50 · 27/08/2017 08:42

We have a real problem with DD doing something right in front of us then when she's asked to stop, she flatly denies whatever it was. We try to ignore a lot of " bad" behaviour but I find this difficult because she's not listening, just denying. I have to really fight to stop myself saying " For goodness sake, we just saw/heard you do it"! Any advice?

OP posts:
tigercub50 · 27/08/2017 21:20

The abusive behaviour is in the past ( as I said he will still say " I'm not doing anything" but that's a bad habit & he is working on stopping). It was more directed at me but of course DD was affected by the atmosphere in the house. As I have said before, these forums are tricky because you can only show a " snapshot" of your own life so people can be quick to judge. DH is going to counselling & has made a huge effort to change. If I compare our life in January this year when we reached crisis point to now, the difference is massive. DD & I have had to gradually trust DH again but we are closer as a family despite DD's often extremely challenging behaviour.
To the last 2 posters, did you read my posts as if DH was physical with DD? It's the other way around. He did have some anger issues but now he never even raises his voice. I am the shouter which I'm not proud of & I'm working hard to walk away before I get to that stage

OP posts:
OrlandaFuriosa · 27/08/2017 21:26

Check out PDA and also HSP behaviour and how to deal with them...might have some useful suggestions.
I feel for you.

tigercub50 · 27/08/2017 21:45

What is HSP behaviour? I have thought about PDA before. DD's mentor said she would be the same at school if she had that but I just read that sufferers can develop coping strategies so that the symptoms can be masked in certain situations.

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tigercub50 · 27/08/2017 22:58

Just googled HSP - I fit that profile. Not trying to excuse some of my husband's past behaviour but maybe someone less sensitive would have handled it differently. I also think DD could fit

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NSEA · 27/08/2017 23:00

I don't understand the problem with losing your temper. It's ok to be angry at children misbehaving. Just don't be abusive in any way

NSEA · 27/08/2017 23:00

Oh god. Missed loads of pages ! I will carch up. Sorry

WellThisIsShit · 27/08/2017 23:12

Sounds like things are very difficult.

Has the counselling worked for dh? If so, he needs to go on to a replacement counsellor if his other one is going to be away. Very important not to fall through the cracks in this situation.

JWrecks · 27/08/2017 23:15

Sounds like she may be testing boundaries and learning about lying, or possibly imitating behaviour she has witnessed before, just to see what she can get away with.

If she flatly denies doing something you've seen her do, I would tell her you know that she's done it, you've seen her do it, and that she is lying to you which will not be tolerated.

If you can just tell her those things calmly (and I know it may be hard with past issues in your home), then it may teach her exactly what she may be trying to find out. Could that work?

tigercub50 · 27/08/2017 23:25

DH has only had 2 sessions & wasn't impressed, although actually I had the same woman & it did take a little while to warm to her but she was good. I don't think the organisation has anyone free as a replacement but I have the number of another one. DH has said he feels I put him under pressure to go ( it's unintentional) but he is open to getting help. He has recently said about meditation/mindfulness which pleased me greatly.

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OrlandaFuriosa · 28/08/2017 18:53

Most of these definitions cover a spectrum of behaviour, in levels but also in time. Children learn to mask/act. Often home is the one place where you can let your guard down, see if your parents will love you "no matter what".

I recommend the following, worked well for us:

Debbie Gliori's 'No Matter What'.

You may find the rhymes repellent ( I do, sorry Debbie); you may think it too easy for her. But the message is invaluable: I may not like your behaviour but I will love you no matter what. And children are fine going back and forward in ages of reading.

We read it as a bed time story again and again, unusually me reading it. Then we used it, when behaviour unraveled. It was much better than "I love you but I don't like your behaviour": , true, but uncomforting, even when said the other way round.

Sometimes we used both, using No Matter What as the end piece. Sometimes tears resulted, there was always a cuddle.

We also read Aesop's fables at this age. They are easy to read and short. So you can slip the boy who cried wolf in easily. It's a good one for lying. Read others around it, the dog in the manger, the north and south winds, the fox and the crane. If you can get a copy, second hand eg from Abebooks, with the Rackham illustrations, it's a great bed time book.

Honestly, calm, unemotional, on the lying.

Also, discover what's going on in school, both from a teacher and a cuddle in the sofa, " what's up, love? You don't seem very happy to me at the moment." Or in the car, no eye contact. I found misery at school translated directly.

Hth pm me if you want,

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