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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD denying everything WWYD?

86 replies

tigercub50 · 27/08/2017 08:42

We have a real problem with DD doing something right in front of us then when she's asked to stop, she flatly denies whatever it was. We try to ignore a lot of " bad" behaviour but I find this difficult because she's not listening, just denying. I have to really fight to stop myself saying " For goodness sake, we just saw/heard you do it"! Any advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
tigercub50 · 27/08/2017 10:05

Tap on the shoulder is just between me & DH

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Pengggwn · 27/08/2017 10:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blankface · 27/08/2017 10:06

We try to ignore a lot of " bad" behaviour

Just don't. It gives no firm boundaries of what's acceptable and what's not.

We ignore stuff like verbal protest when DD is asked to do something ( unless it gets exceptionally rude) & we ignore anything resembling tantrumming
Have you tried any PDA strategies? No suggestion she has PDA, but many parents find different strategies can work when "normal" parenting strategies don't.
www.pdasociety.org.uk/families/strategies

JetBoyJetGirl · 27/08/2017 10:09

I also point out that if I know she lies to me over something like that, then I can't trust her word if I haven't seen. That seemed to bring the one of mine who did that for a while down to earth.

That message was the most powerful to mine too.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 27/08/2017 10:16

She has to learn, that fibs white lies or bare faced lying, carries consequences. The truth is always better.

thatdearoctopus · 27/08/2017 10:29

How does all this work at school? Is she behaving similarly there?

Original poster
tigercub50 · 27/08/2017 10:30

I think when I put that we ignore bad behaviour, that wasn't right. For our own sanity, we have to ignore DD protesting about what we have either asked her to do or to stop doing it . If she is protesting but has done as we asked then it's hot air. She can have meltdowns & we have been advised to ignore as long as everyone is safe. I had to tell her to stop kicking the wall during one the other day & of course it is completely unacceptable to hit or kick another person

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Saracen · 27/08/2017 10:38

I think many people get a bit overexcited about children lying. In this case, from the behaviour you are describing, your dd is not attempting to deceive you. When she denies doing something which you saw her do, and which she must KNOW you saw her do, she cannot be expecting you to believe her. She's hardly on the road to delinquency.

Her protests are about something else. Maybe she is pushing your buttons because she wants an argument, maybe she is trying to make everything better by pretending to herself that it didn't happen. I don't know. Perhaps you can figure out what is behind her fibs.

But I think you are getting sidetracked from the behaviour you really want to change. Perhaps instead of accusing her of doing something wrong (which seems to invite her denials and your consequent anger), you could just calmly tell her what you want her to do?

For instance, when she bangs on the bed: "Can you please move away from the bed." and when she protests, "But I wasn't DOING anything?" you can reply, "I didn't say you did anything. I asked you to move away from the bed. Can you go brush your teeth please?"

or if she hurts her dad: "Go and sit on the sofa for a bit. Daddy is getting hurt." "I DIDN'T HURT HIM! WE WERE JUST PLAYING. He started it." "Well, he will be happier if you sit on the sofa for a while. He is getting cross. Please go to the sofa now."

Saracen · 27/08/2017 10:39

Sorry, cross posted. Sounds like you are already ignoring her protests, but the lying just gets to you for some reason. Why do you think it upsets you?

differentnameforthis · 27/08/2017 10:41

Firstly, only you can stop the engagement with your dd. She may not even be aware she is lying, it may be so natural to her to completely contradict what you say!

Take the bed hitting incident.
"dd, please stop that, you are doing it to hard" "dd, I said stop that now"

"I didn't do anything, it wasn't me, dad did it"

"Dd, I saw you do it, now stop and go to your room/do something less annoying"

Original poster
tigercub50 · 27/08/2017 10:43

Seems to be just us she behaves like this with. She has counselling at school ( her mentor is absolutely lovely & I have cried all over her more than once). We have been told by the FSW that she has attachment issues. The counsellor has been doing CBT & a lot of work on dealing with powerful emotions. I am considering going for more counselling myself. DH has had 2 sessions but now his counsellor is on possible long term sick. Both DH & I know we have work to do. This situation & all the crap stuff in the past has nearly broken us but we are getting stronger & we definitely need to be clearer with our expectations of DD

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Emillee · 27/08/2017 10:44

I have a son who lies

I find the best way is not to get into a debate or give him the opportunity to deny.

"I saw you hit your sister and therefore I'd like you to go to your room"

It will often provoke a reaction that results in "if you don't go to your room then X,y,z will happen, your choice" (worse consequences)

But it gives no opportunity to deny the action.

May not work for you, but works for us

differentnameforthis · 27/08/2017 10:46

I had to tell her to stop kicking the wall during one the other day & of course it is completely unacceptable to hit or kick another person Did she stop? Is she able to talk to you/be engaged with while having a meltdown?

diamond49 · 27/08/2017 10:46

I don't think punishing someone out of lying is going to work.They will just learn to only lie when they can get away with it.U would go down the boy who cried wolf route and tell people don't believe or trust liars

Emillee · 27/08/2017 10:46

Just read your last post.

Interestingly, DS (10) has suspected attachment issues.

We find that he will lie to avoid shame. Not debating the action/interrogating as to why he did it etc gives limited chance to feel shame.

Additionally, we are very matter of fact about it. Not emotional. We accept he lies. He needs to accept there are consequences to that. We stay emotionally grounded and find that is the best way to avoid him escalating.

Bloody difficult though!

SemiNormal · 27/08/2017 11:04

He grew out of it at about 10/11 - or he just got better at it? Wink

Personally I think children need to learn the differences when it comes to lying, not ALL lying is bad at all. Also most adults tell lies on a fairly regular basis - so I think it's hypocritical to just tell children they must never lie, it's almost unavoidable to lie at times.

Original poster
tigercub50 · 27/08/2017 11:07

I think the denial is a trigger for me because when DH was being emotionally/verbally abusive, he would flatly deny things he had said or done, sometimes just minutes before. He will still say " I'm not doing anything" when actually he is! DD is mirroring behaviour. I am telling her not to shout at me whilst raising my voice to her 😞.

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Zvandelle · 27/08/2017 11:08

I have this. It's really frustrating. It is passing though - now my daughter catches her self, and changes her answer. I found challenging her firmly about the lying, then praising her for ever admitting it, or giving her a chance to back down then praising that helped. It's really difficult, because you don't want a big row every bloody time, but it does get better. Firm, but not angry is the way to go, I found, and a calm explanation of the new regime before you start.

Original poster
tigercub50 · 27/08/2017 12:16

I have tried hugging her during a particularly bad meltdown but not sure if that's the right thing to do. She did stop kicking the wall when I told her to

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Ttbb · 27/08/2017 12:21

Just confront her maybe?!

differentnameforthis · 27/08/2017 12:26

In my experience, if she can stop doing things when you ask mid meltdown, it's actually more of a tantrum because she can't get her own way.

During a meltdown they are very rarely responsive to anything.

I wouldn't try hugging her, no. Tantrum - you are just rewarding the behaviour! Meltdown, best to just let her know you are there when she needs you. My dd can't be reached at all during her meltdowns (autism) and wouldn't be able to stop doing anything if I asked her.

Viviennemary · 27/08/2017 12:27

Personally I don't think hugging a child of this age when they're having a tantrum is a good idea. That's not to say it won't work for some. In your shoes I would google on Amazon (not a shareholder honest!) books on dealing with difficult behaviour. Read the reviews and pick two or three and have a look at them. And see what they have to say.

If she stopped kicking the wall when you told her too that's good and she should get praise for that. I agree with not making a huge fuss and issue about the lying. I can't see how it would help here.

Pengggwn · 27/08/2017 13:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WomblingThree · 27/08/2017 14:28

And so we get to the crux of the matter. Your husband is an abusive arse.

I would imagine her behaviour and your reaction to it would improve massively if you got rid of the main problem. Him.

Viviennemary · 27/08/2017 14:52

Didn't see the post about your DH. Agree with Wombling Sounds as if a lot of her problems stem from his abusive behaviour. . Poor child.