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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD denying everything WWYD?

86 replies

tigercub50 · 27/08/2017 08:42

We have a real problem with DD doing something right in front of us then when she's asked to stop, she flatly denies whatever it was. We try to ignore a lot of " bad" behaviour but I find this difficult because she's not listening, just denying. I have to really fight to stop myself saying " For goodness sake, we just saw/heard you do it"! Any advice?

OP posts:
Cantspell2 · 27/08/2017 09:15

The op has already said she is nearly 9 so more than old enough to be told to behave and stop with the denial. Nip it in the bud now before she becomes a teen and tries lieing her way out of more serious trouble.

Liiinoo · 27/08/2017 09:19

Surely if you sometimes ignore bad behaviour and sometimes pull her up on it that is confusing/inconsistent parenting?

Decide what is and isn't ok. Tell her what the consequence will be for unacceptable behaviour and he she does it say 'Because you did X l am going to do Y' and follow through every time. If you saw her do it dont get into a debate/argument about whether or not she did it, just follow through.

To be fair to her, the misbehaving in front of you and then denying it sounds like classic attention seeking behaviour. Try paying more attention when she is doing things right and the bad behavior might fizzle out in time.

JetBoyJetGirl · 27/08/2017 09:19

I have to really fight to stop myself saying " For goodness sake, we just saw/heard you do it"!

You should say this. It's the truth.

When mine were little, if they lied, they got a consequence for the original misdemeanour and an addition, worse, consequence for lying.

Lying is a bigger problem. But you need to stop this now or the next 15+ years are going to be a night mare (and yes, I know that takes her into her 20s, but I speak from the bitter experience of people I know).

JetBoyJetGirl · 27/08/2017 09:21

it's totally normal for kids to lie and i hated it when friends got holier than thou with their kids over it.

It's actually not. It's actually really concerning for an 8/9yo to be lying like this.

Topseyt · 27/08/2017 09:22

Why on earth would you not tell her that you just saw her do it? That would have been my automatic response, with "don't take me for a fool" firmly added.

Tell her that you saw it with your own eyes, tell her what the consequence is and then don't engage further until or unless she apologized.

IndianaMoleWoman · 27/08/2017 09:23

Just tell her you saw her and she needs to stop lying. If needs be whip out your phone and film whatever it is she's doing as evidence, no debate needed. Not that there should be a debate - you're the parent, if you saw her do it, she did it!

Original poster
tigercub50 · 27/08/2017 09:27

The behaviour is sometimes doing something physical that has started as play fighting but then for example she's banging hard on the edge of our bed & when told to stop, carries on & then denies it. DH really struggles with DD getting too physical with him & again she will sometimes deny it or blame DH for what she has done.

OP posts:
Original poster
tigercub50 · 27/08/2017 09:30

We ignore stuff like verbal protest when DD is asked to do something ( unless it gets exceptionally rude) & we ignore anything resembling tantrumming. We are both trying to be on the same page & consistent. DD can be very challenging & we have had a family support worker to help. We do make mistakes but it's definitely better now we are supporting each other

OP posts:
AJPTaylor · 27/08/2017 09:34

I would explain that denying something that the other person just saw is for toddlers. Illustrate with youtube clips of 2 year olds covered in chocolate denying eating the chocolate.

DermotOLogical · 27/08/2017 09:34

If you've had a family support worker does your dd have additional needs?

Or is there a family background that may affect her behaviour?

She sounds like a confused child with no clear boundaries.

WomblingThree · 27/08/2017 09:34

Oh for crying out loud. Why on earth would you ignore bad behaviour in an 8 year old? Bad behaviour is not something to ignore. You stop it, deal with and move on.

I can't be doing with wishy washy parenting and hand wringing over simple discipline. When do you intend to start paying attention? Before she's totally out of control?

Queenioqueenio · 27/08/2017 09:36

I give 1 chance to admit to the truth if originally denied, then if the lying continues they get much more in trouble for continuing to lie.

Viviennemary · 27/08/2017 09:38

What is she actually doing. If it's something like biting her nails then I do think it's a huge fuss about nothing. But if it's something awful then there's a problem to be dealt with. So I couldn't comment unless I knew what the behaviour was.

Viviennemary · 27/08/2017 09:44

Sorry I didn't see your latest post. I'd say this wasn't quite the same as lying but saying it wasn't her fault. (trying to see it from her point of view) Which is quite common in children. I'd stop all the playfighting if it ends up with her getting into trouble. Keep things calm.

PoppyPopcorn · 27/08/2017 09:45

I sympathise!

I will often say to my 9 year old "sit down!" and he says "I am" when he's clearly standing right in front of me. Funny and frustrating at the same time. The answering back does my head in.... it is a phase though and will pass.

budgiegirl · 27/08/2017 09:47

It's actually not. It's actually really concerning for an 8/9yo to be lying like this

It's very normal. Almost all children lie, it's a 'problem solving' mechanism - if I lie, the problem goes away!

The vast majority of children will grow out of it. But it is frustrating for the parents in the meantime! I'd just point out that you know she is lying, in fact I think it's important that you do say "For goodness sake, we just saw/heard you do it", so she knows the lying isn't working.

One of my DC lied a lot at that age, I sometimes punished a big lie, but mostly I just pointed out how disappointed I was that I couldn't trust him. He grew out of it at about 10/11.

Veterinari · 27/08/2017 09:49

What is she doing? If it's something like hair-twirling or nail biting then it could be driven by underlying anxiety and labelling it bad behaviour is unhelpful - it may be a behaviour that she feels compelled to do but is now anxious about as she knows you don't want her to do it and this could be making it worse.

More info needed.

Original poster
tigercub50 · 27/08/2017 09:51

Trouble is I get pulled in - just had a shouting match now which solves nothing & makes me seem like another child! We have a signal ( tap on the shoulder) to defuse a potential " situation" nut this time it didn't work for me. So hard because there is a back story & allsorts of things have contributed to the situation we are in now but we are trying our best to do things better

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defineme · 27/08/2017 09:55

jetboyjetgirl in my experience of having 3 kids of my own and having worked with 1000s of kids over the last 20 years, yes telling lies is pretty normal. From the op's further posts it sounds like there is more to this, but I stand by statement and really hate how it can be blownout of all proportion. Look at the root cause rather than going ballistic.

Pengggwn · 27/08/2017 09:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JetBoyJetGirl · 27/08/2017 10:01

defineme In my experience of having 2 kids of my own and also having worked with 1000 of kids over the past 20 years, telling lies happens, but should not be accepted as "oh it's just normal".

Yes of course you look at the root cause and address that, but that isn't what you said. No one suggested going ballistic.

Lying out of worry or fear of a problem and hoping it will go away is very different to the defiant "No I didn't" when you have stood in front of them and watched them do it.

Viviennemary · 27/08/2017 10:01

Don't feel bad about the shouting. Of course it's not idea and much frowned upon on MN. I was and still am at times a shouty Mum and wish I had been calmer. Have you got other DCs or is she an only one. Not sure I like this tap on the shoulder stuff. But never tried it. Telling lies is just a mechanism children use. DD never told lies DS a lot. It's not to be encouraged but it's a fact of life.

Whinesalot · 27/08/2017 10:03

Say that you will deal with it when you've both calmed down and walk away. But then you must actually deal with it.

I always punished more for a lie than the actual deed too.

Original poster
tigercub50 · 27/08/2017 10:04

I really feel out of my depth sometimes - I love her so much but I have never been so affected by another person! I know I have to be the adult, walk away, stay calm etc but by God it's almost impossible when you've had the behaviour day after day. We get divisions in the family too - usually DH is made out to be the villain but lately it's more me. I'm downstairs trying to gather myself & I can hear DD telling DH that " Mummy doesn't care about me".

OP posts:
Witchend · 27/08/2017 10:04

Firstly, don't give her the option to deny it. Not "why did you," or "did you..."
Saying "I saw you do X and so Y will happen."

Then produce a punishment she really doesn't like for lying.

If she says "I didn't..."
Then you calmly say: "You did and if you lie to me then the punishment is Z"

I also point out that if I know she lies to me over something like that, then I can't trust her word if I haven't seen. That seemed to bring the one of mine who did that for a while down to earth.