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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is bad parenting?

60 replies

Jjgg456 · 26/08/2017 23:09

As well as my own 2yo DD I also have a 6yo SS who stays with us 2/3 nights alternating weeks. His mum is single. She likes to call SS when he is staying with us to wish him goodnight and a recurring question she often asks him is "Do you love me?"

It creeps me out every time I hear her say it. I can never imagine asking my child such a question. AIBU to deem this emotionally damaging?

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 26/08/2017 23:10

There must be more to this...

Zippydoodah · 26/08/2017 23:11

No. A bit needy and slightly odd but could be a roundabout way of telling him she does and misses him

TrinityRhino · 26/08/2017 23:11

It doesn't sound good no.

What does he answer?

It sounds like she is having some problems and searching for reassurance from her own child which isnt great at all.

PinkHeart5911 · 26/08/2017 23:12

I do find it odd to ask " do you love me" tbh and yes a bit of a weird thing to do

Surely with a child you just you love them and they say it back if they want

lozzylizzy · 26/08/2017 23:15

I once said I love you to my son and asked if he loved me. He said no. He was about 2/3. Learned my lesson there!

Original poster
Jjgg456 · 26/08/2017 23:20

Purpledaisies what would you like to know?

TrinityRhino he always says yes. Sometimes he anticipates the question and he says it as a way to get through the phone conversation quickly.

Do you think I'm being mean? I'm not trying to slag her off, I'm just concerned for SS.

I agree with you PinkHeart

OP posts:
Original poster
Jjgg456 · 26/08/2017 23:21

lozzylizzy lol!

OP posts:
Tryittheotherway · 26/08/2017 23:22

Whenever I tell my 3yr old I love him I'd sometimes say "do you love mumma" he's never said it before so I'm trying to squeeze it out of him! Is that really wrong? I just wanna hear him say it :)

Pinky333777 · 26/08/2017 23:23

I'm not even sure young children have a concept of what love is yet anyway x

Ohbehave1 · 26/08/2017 23:26

Obviously you haven't even thought about the fact that her son is going into a family environment where he will be a part of a happy family.

I assume that the thought of her being worried he will want to live with daddy and his new mummy so she is worried when he is away.

Sorry, but I think this is fake worry for the child on your part. You just want to be backed up for whatever agenda you have.

Were you part of the reason that child's daddy is no longer with mummy? That could also have a bearing on things. But don't let that worry you.

Cheesenacho123 · 26/08/2017 23:27

Maybe she has said I love you and he never said it back so asks??

I know as an only child with a broken family raised by my mum mainly, I can understand that you develop a strong bond together and I'm sure my mum would be upset if I hardly ever said it. I wasn't for giving hugs or kisses because I got to an age where it was uncool but I made sure I told her that I loved her.

i wouldn't say asking your child if they love you emotionally damaging or bad parenting. Just a little weird if kept asking.

MoonfaceAndSilky · 26/08/2017 23:32

Were you part of the reason that child's daddy is no longer with mummy? That could also have a bearing on things. But don't let that worry you.
Woah, bit of a jump there Shock

Witchend · 26/08/2017 23:36

I don't think asking it once per phone call is an issue. Could be a bit of a ritual now.

It would be an issue if she keeps on about it: "Do you love me? You love mummy best, don't you? Will you tell mummy you love her?"

Ohbehave1 · 26/08/2017 23:39

Moon face. Not a big jump at all. We don't have all of the info and the mother is obviously nervous of her child being there. And the OP seems to show now empathy towards the mother at all.

SemiNormal · 26/08/2017 23:41

Oh gosh, sounds extremely damaging - I'd phone social services and tell them your concerns, or log it with 101 to be on the safe side!! Grin

Original poster
Jjgg456 · 26/08/2017 23:43

Ohbehave I have thought of that but may be I need to think about it more and be more considerate. No, there was someone else in between me and SS's mum but they weren't together long and SS never met her. In terms of agenda, it's a good point. I'm trying work out what I want from posting this question-I'm not lookinfor people to simply agree with me. It's more that it happened again today and so I wanted some other perspectives on it. After reading all the posts so far I feel definitely more on the side that IABU and that when I hear her say it again I won't feel so negative about it. I promise I am not looking to point score or get enjoyment from having posters tell me I'm right or anything.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 26/08/2017 23:43

That is odd. Don't see why she wouldn't just say 'I love you'. Or at least say it first.

Janeismymiddlename · 26/08/2017 23:46

Yeah, she's a shit parent for loving and missing her child and you obviously are an amazing step mum who cares so much about your SS. I know, why don't you go for custody, because he's clearly not safe in a house where he's loved and would be far better off with you and your partner, the child's father, who clearly couldn't give a shit. She's just his birth mum after all. Confused

BabyAndBunny · 26/08/2017 23:53

Seems a bit odd to ask imo...

Wouldn't you just say 'goodnight, I love you'.

Seems insecure about him staying with you... as if he'll forget her or something or love her less.

Odd but maybe she struggles with him being away! It does sound very hard and maybe she worries (especially as he's so little and thus can easily be swayed by treats etc) he'll get very attached to you? I don't know if I've phrased that right - I mean in that she has to parent him and maybe feels insecure in that, being little, he'll like you as you can just play and not really parent him (sorry bit rambley)

You're not being unreasonable but I do feel a tad for her....

Ohbehave1 · 26/08/2017 23:54

Jjgg. Thank you for being so honest.

I would try and talk to her. Reassure her you are not trying to take her son away. Does her ex get on with her? Can they talk and you and her become as close to being friends as you can in this situation?

llangennith · 26/08/2017 23:54

OP Purpledasies always likes to be contentious. Ignore.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 27/08/2017 00:00

I don't think it's especially odd. Certainly not worrying.

For god sake don't 'reassure her you're not trying to take her DS away from her'. That makes it look like you think you could if you wanted to & you're simply being 'generous' not to. As for friendship - you can't push it. It'll happen or it won't.

hmcAsWas · 27/08/2017 00:04

Not something I ask, but I don't think it amounts to bad parenting!

Allthewaves · 27/08/2017 00:08

Not bad parenting. A bit ott and over bearing but hardly damaging

ShapelyBingoWing · 27/08/2017 00:09

I think the phrases each parent uses with their child are very unique and can sound odd to others. Families develop odd little quirks and sayings. There's nothing sinister in coaxing some affection out of your child.

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