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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is bad parenting?

60 replies

Jjgg456 · 26/08/2017 23:09

As well as my own 2yo DD I also have a 6yo SS who stays with us 2/3 nights alternating weeks. His mum is single. She likes to call SS when he is staying with us to wish him goodnight and a recurring question she often asks him is "Do you love me?"

It creeps me out every time I hear her say it. I can never imagine asking my child such a question. AIBU to deem this emotionally damaging?

OP posts:
CosmicPineapple · 27/08/2017 00:11

I never asked my DC do you love me until I split with their dad and did not see them 4 days out of 8.
I am ashamed to say it was insecurity on my part.
I had never spent more than 2 nights away from my children their whole life.
It hurt and I missed them.

I dont think I was a bad parent but that time in my life was not my finest hour.

I know my DC love me but sometimes you just need to hear somebody say it.

WhamBarsArentAsFizzyAsTheyWere · 27/08/2017 00:11

I have certain things I say to my dc that would be perceived as odd if someone was listening in, often there's and 'in joke' behind it.

Maybe stop listening to their phone calls and you won't get so creeped out by it.

Nuttynoo · 27/08/2017 00:12

Yabu. She can use whatever endearments she wants with HER son. You have no right to judge/interfere as she wouldn't when it comes to you and your dd.

Original poster
Jjgg456 · 27/08/2017 00:14

This has been really useful. I've always tried to be understanding towards his mum and thought I was good at it, but obviously, as times gone on I've gotten less understanding and I hadn't really considered the impact us having a child would have on her (feel like a right tool). Btw, DD is younger than 2 -I changed it so as to be less identifiable as I'd be mortified if she read it and knew it was me-the change to the family has been more recent than my OP says.

We get on well but I don't think she'd ever want to be friends. DP is a bad communicator and I think this causes issues with them-I try to help. In terms of SS, Ive never tried to win his affections-I've just always tried to be nice. We get on very well but I would never try to be on a level with his mum.

You were right to call me out on my lack of empathy. It seems really obvious now and I feel pretty bad but I'll take all the criticism on board and reflect. Blush

OP posts:
LoveDeathPrizes · 27/08/2017 00:15

It doesn't sound great but I'd hate to think that what I was saying (within reason) to my own child was being held up for public scrutiny. She probably is feeling insecure - and to be honest, OP, this is why.

Original poster
Jjgg456 · 27/08/2017 00:16

Whambars the phone convos happen on speaker phone and I don't listen in but the volumes on loud and I just hear sometimes. After listening to feedback I feel a bit bad I used the words creeped out

OP posts:
Original poster
Jjgg456 · 27/08/2017 00:19

LoveDeathPrizes do you think I should ask for thread to be deleted? I hadn't thought of the public scrutiny aspect of this?

OP posts:
WhamBarsArentAsFizzyAsTheyWere · 27/08/2017 00:19

You know you're supposed to stamp your feet, call us mean and flounce right? You'll ruin AIBU if you start being all reasonable Grin

Well done op, good update Flowers

Nuttynoo · 27/08/2017 00:21

I think this thread should be deleted tbh. Before it becomes Daily Mail fodder.

namechangenow · 27/08/2017 00:21

It is a bit weird, but not damaging or harmful in any way that I can think of.

Original poster
Jjgg456 · 27/08/2017 00:23

Thanks everyone. Feel rightfully shamed!

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 27/08/2017 00:24

Jjgg456 YABU, but you do care for him so I don't mean that nastily.

I am not sure it is damaging for a mum to assume or ask about her son's love. If it was obsessive then of course it would be.

I think the key thing here is "She likes to call SS when he is staying with us..."

So she feels a bit insecure when her son is staying away from her. I am sure you know that if your relationship with your partner were to break up and your own child were spending a couple or nights away from you every fortnight or so, you may well understand how his mum feels. You may be wise enough not to ask the question, but you may understand how she feels.

"I'm not trying to slag her off, I'm just concerned for SS." What is your concern?

Witchend "Could be a bit of a ritual now." I was thinking that.

OP if you can, reassure this mum that all is well.

LoveDeathPrizes · 27/08/2017 00:25

Maybe. I think it's served its purpose - to be fair, you're very reflective! YANBU at all now.

JayneAusten · 27/08/2017 00:26

It sounds like she's feeling insecure. Please just imagine if you were single and your partner was with a new woman and child, and your DD went to stay with them and her baby brother/sister. Think about how you'd feel alone whilst she's with her family. She would be your everything and you'd feel like she had a family without you.

I really can't blame her for wanting to hear him say he loves her.

pinuwa · 27/08/2017 00:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Jjgg456 · 27/08/2017 00:28

I've put the request in. ItalianGreyhound, I've been thinking about that this whole thread. I thinks it's my own trigger point based on parenting I received. I had to provide a lot of emotional support as a child. I think in this case I saw something that wasn't there

OP posts:
LoveDeathPrizes · 27/08/2017 00:28

I think pinuwa has nailed it, personally.

WhamBarsArentAsFizzyAsTheyWere · 27/08/2017 00:29

pinuwa, love, that's just a blatant lie, isn't it...Grin

Italiangreyhound · 27/08/2017 00:29

ah ha thread has moved on a lot since I started typing!

OP I would ask for this thread to be deleted and it is great that you have learnt something from it. Mumsnet is sometimes very good.

Thanks
Italiangreyhound · 27/08/2017 00:33

OP now YANBU, you are indeed very reflective.

"I had to provide a lot of emotional support as a child. I think in this case I saw something that wasn't there." I am sorry for your experiences and I think it is good that you are aware of this. You sound very aware, and clearly care a lot. Thanks

GirlInterruptedOftenByKids · 27/08/2017 00:39

I ask dd this all the time! "I love you dd. .do you love mummy?" She says "yeah I love you mummy" I say "yeh" and kiss her goodnight. It's just a routine thing..calling it bad parenting is way OTT.

Slightly different in your situation tho, where there's another mother figure involved

GirlInterruptedOftenByKids · 27/08/2017 00:41

Sorry didn't realise thread had moved on!

Mittens1969 · 27/08/2017 00:51

I do that with my DDs, sometimes say, 'Mummy loves you, love Mummy?' It's just a way of communicating with them, and now they're older it doesn't happen so much, as they reply, 'I love you' without prompting.

You do seem like a very caring SM though, OP. Smile

SticksOutLikeDogsBalls · 27/08/2017 01:02

Why are you listening in on his phone calls to his mother?

PovertyPain · 27/08/2017 01:11

I was wondering why you were listening, too, op?

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