Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To avoid my sister for the rest of the holiday

115 replies

LegoWalker · 26/08/2017 22:20

A bit of background first
I have never really gotten along with my sister. When we were kids she was very competitive and my mum's favourite and she used to use this to make sure that me and my brother were always in trouble for things.

After we married and had DCs we only really saw each other for Christmas and birthdays.
The I left my exh and we started talking a bit more and she took more of an interest in my life. However she can still be competitive especially around the DCs. Anything my DCs do hers did earlier/faster/better. Also My sister home schools and she always feels the need to tell me how much better it is when compared to state schools , so I tend to avoid bringing up stuff my DCs do.

So my sister contacted us and arranged for us all to go on a family holiday this weekend. So me and my 4 DCs (12,8,6 and 1), my sister and her husband and their 2 DCs (14,10) and my brother.
Each family has their own caravan and the plan is to split the days so we spend sometime all together and that the adults all get a break away from the DCs.

So we arrived yesterday morning, and yesterday afternoon/evening I looked after all the DCs and my sister and her husband had some alone time. I took them out and fed them and everything went well.

This afternoon was my turn without the DCs so I dropped my DCs off with my sister and went out. My sister called me earlier saying she wanted me to pick up my DCs now because they weren't behaving.
So I arrived to pick them up and she pretty much threw them at me and DD2 was crying. My sister also looked very angry and stressed. I asked what had happened and my sister said they wouldn't join in and DS1 in particular had been very rude and she was very disappointed in them. I made the DCs apologise and took them back to our caravan.

So I asked DS1 (12) first what happened. He said that my sister wanted them to play a quiz game. She had piles of questions already chosen and she split them into teams her DCs against mine. Then she made DS1 and her 14 year old go against each other but when DS1 started winning she made them stop halfway through the questions.

Then it was her 10 year old against my DDs. DS1 said the questions were really hard and were all in a subject that her 10 year old has a special interest in. It's also a topic that they don't really teach in schools. My DDs lost and this time they finished their pile of questions which meant that overall my sister's DCs team had the most points. My sister then brought out prizes for the winners and nothing for my DCs. Then she said they would play the game again with the same teams.

DD2 (6) asked if they could play something else and my sister said no. DS1 asked if they could mix the team's and my sister said no. DS1 said that this wasn't fair and his team was never going to win. My sister said it was my DDs fault for not trying hard enough which upset them because they had tried their best.
My sister said that really it was my fault then because I sent them to a school which meant their best wasn't good enough. DD2 started crying and then my sister shouted at her for spoiling the day. DS1 said that my sister spoilt the day by rigging the game so her DCs would win. My sister then shouted at him too and then she called me to come and get them. Then she told her DCs to go in the bedroom away from mine so they didn't learn how not to behave.

I then talked to my DDs separately and they have told me pretty much the same story. I text my sister and asked her what happened and she replied that they wouldn't play nicely and were bad losers and I needed to have a serious think about their behaviour because her DCs never act like that because they don't pick up bad habits in school and work hard at learning.

So would I be unreasonable to text her and suggest that the families do their own thing for a bit tomorrow to give everyone some space. Admittedly I am pretty sure the DCs are telling the truth DS1 has ASD and is very honest. Plus the DDs story matched up as well. But I'm not sure if I should push my sister to talk about it or just let it go.

OP posts:

RhubardGin · 27/08/2017 06:21

If she had questions and prizes it sounds like she had been planning to do this......that's nuts!

Your DSis doesn't sound mentally stable and after the holiday you should definitely distance yourself.

I agree with a PP who said that there was no point trying to argue with her, she's a narcissist.

Have you told your Brother what happened?

rizlett · 27/08/2017 06:34

OP - you're clearly a lot smarter than your sister so she feels she has to find ways to undermine you via your dc.

She's not very emotionally mature either. I'd keep contact to a minimum but also use this example of poor behaviour as a teaching exercise for your older dc. Maybe talk about why someone would be like this - just so they don't think there was any justification in the way she behaved towards them.

I think your ds tried to stand up for himself really well and just demonstrates how much better your style of parenting is.

OrangeButton · 27/08/2017 06:39

Totally avoid her forever - that's an awful thing to do. It was planned out too (she had the questions on a weekend holiday!).

Your DS is fabulous for calling her out!! ASD or not behind his honesty (and in my experience this is one type of person who it's awesome to watch come against someone with ASD who isn't immediately bamboozled by them) he nailed her. (hence her response).

Check out narcissism because it looks like your sister might fit the bill both from the need for validation and her responses to people who don't tow the her line. I feel incredibly sorry for her kids. I'm not against home ed. in most cases, but in this one it's really unfortunate.

Miserylovescompany2 · 27/08/2017 06:48

"My sister said that really it was my fault then because I sent them to" "a school which meant their best wasn't good enough"

How can your best not be good enough?

She sounds extremely controlling and petty - I would avoid her for the rest of your life and then some

SilveryFlowers · 27/08/2017 06:49

I am going to throw my own emotional baggage squarely at this, sorry OP.

My mother had very toxic sisters, and when I was growing up it was more important to her to keep the peace with them, than to protect me from their shenanigans.

I have a hard time forgiving her and I am 45. So... yes. Definitely avoid your sister for the rest of the holiday. She treated your children appallingly,and they need to see you are firmly in their corner.

I am so sorry, so desperately unpleasant of her.

Hope you all have a better day today.

ivytable · 27/08/2017 06:56

Kids at those ages shouldn't need adult involvement and should organise themselves to play.
She sounds abusive. Distance yourself and your children as much as possible for the rest of your life.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/08/2017 08:16

My brother and his wife are emotionally abusive both to me and my dd. Not to dh. Brother was recently physically abusive to me. We are now no contact.

Personally I said nothing. They are thoroughly convinced their behaviour is ok and I'm the one with the problem. Because dh and I aren't functioning alcoholics like them, don't act like them, because I'm not able bodied like them (which they deny) etc.

I'd go very low contact. And I'd be very careful about how your younger children are treated by her children. So supervised by you and in a place, where you can escape from if necessary or tell them to leave. I feel very sorry for her children.

bunningsbunny · 27/08/2017 08:33

Would be tempted to tell dais that after the stunt she pulled, setting your dc up to fail in a rigged contest, then bollocks them so horribly, that actually she is the horrible deranged badly behaved one and that she should be apologising to them. She certainly didn't deserve the apologies she got from them.

Furthermore she was quite happy to let you look after her kids for a full xx hours, doing a fun activity. And yet when she had your dc she made them do a rigged test, berated them completely unfairly including over life choices that were not theirs and assassinating their characters when they are supposed to be on holiday. And it sounds like she never had any intention of looking after them for the same amount of time you looked after her dc.

So you expect an apology to you and your dc and that she must never treat your dc like again. Not that she will be looking after them again as you can't trust her to be a nice decent person towards them. And that she is never to pull any stunts like this or discuss any type of education with them again.

Suspect she won't like it or agree with it but think it's important that she knows how wrong you think she has been to the point of expecting her to be the one that makes serious big apologies.

KERALA1 · 27/08/2017 08:48

She sounds the last sort of person who should be home educating their kids. Poor kids stuck solely with a nutter day in day out.

Mittens1969 · 27/08/2017 09:06

I agree with PPs that you should go low contact with your not so DSis and no contact for her with your DCs, until she accepts that she was emotionally abusive. This is toxic.

I'm on that level of contact with my DB, which seems harsh as he has MH problems but he can't cope with children and shouts at them and knocks them over by accident blaming them for being 'in the way'. There is also stuff he did to my DSis and me growing up because of abuse we were all going through. Not his fault, and he's a victim too, but for the moment I can't be around him, and I'm protecting my DDs.

I know it's upsetting for my DM, as well as for him, but my DSis and I have agreed on this course of action for now.

It's a shame if other family members will be upset by your decision, and I'm sorry if it affects your DNs, but you have to protect your DCs from her bullying.

MadameJosephine · 27/08/2017 09:24

Never mind the rest of the holidays i would avoid her for the rest of your life OP, she sounds like a nightmare. I'd sit the kids down and explain to them why it was her behaviour that was unacceptable, not theirs and make sure that know they have your support and then never give her the opportunity to do it again

C0untDucku1a · 27/08/2017 09:28

Wow id definitely be ignoring her!

FanwankTheAbsurd · 27/08/2017 09:30

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. I'd be telling her in no uncertain terms that she is a prize bitch and that, from this moment on, you never want to see or speak to her ever again. Then go out with your dc and have a nice day.

Seriously, life is too short for this kind of bollocks.

Cupoteap · 27/08/2017 09:58

If she wasn't your sister what would you do?

Spangles1963 · 27/08/2017 10:46

Avoid her for the rest of the holiday? If I was you,I'd be avoiding her for the rest of my life!

Original poster

LegoWalker · 27/08/2017 12:33

I talked to the DCs about it this morning. I explained that it wasn't their fault etc
I text my sister and told her that we would be doing our own thing today and we all needed some space.
My sister reluctantly agreed but made it clear that it was my decision and she wanted to stick to the original plan.

I also told my brother what happened. He is annoyed at my sister but not surprised.
My brother is spending the day with us.
He is lovely and nothing like my sister.

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/08/2017 12:37

That because in her head, she's done nothing wrong. Good on you.

Allthebestnamesareused · 27/08/2017 12:38

If it makes your sister feel good that her 14 year old can't quite beat a 12 year old and that her 10 year old can "beat" 8 and "6" year olds then she is a complete muppet.

Just carry on doing your own thing and I am glad to hear your brother seems nicer!

Maelstrop · 27/08/2017 12:41

I would do my own thing. Your sis sounds batshit. What a cruel thing to do to the kids.

namechanger2735 · 27/08/2017 12:48

NC with sister. I'd be very proud of your children for sticking up for each other and knowing the difference between wrong and right! Tell them this and let them pick what you do tomorrow, WITHOUT their aunt

Graphista · 27/08/2017 13:42

Sounds v like my sister bar the home schooling, this is only one shitty thing my sister does and I've been Nc for over 2 years this time.

Just because you're related doesn't mean you have to have a relationship.

Enjoy the rest of the break with your dc and tell her to get lost!

sonjadog · 27/08/2017 14:00

I would take the piss. I´d go out of my way to make her feel stupid for what she´s done and I would laugh at silly auntie and her stupid quiz with the kids. Take away the seriousness of it and you take away her power. She wants you to get upset about it, so that you stay in "competition mode". Give her the opposite response. It´ll annoy her more than anything.

namechanger2735 · 27/08/2017 14:11

Ps. Shit in her awning

HeebieJeebies456 · 27/08/2017 14:25

why do you let her get away with it?

why not give her some home truths?
why not ask her about rigging the game?
It's about time you stood up to this bully!
home schooling isn't better than mainstream schooling so stop feeling like you've got something to be guilty of.

why do you keep allowing her to call the shots?
So what if she wants to stick to the original plan, YOU TELL HER you don't want to be around her after the way she treated your kids.

FluffyPineapple · 27/08/2017 14:33

YWBU if you didn't avoid her for the rest of your life!

She is using your kids to justify home ed, and is intent on making them feel like failures, whilst trying to make out her kids to be far superior. Your poor children...Avoid her like the plague...

Flip

1 2 3 4 5