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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is my brother being unreasonable by not collecting his daughter

82 replies

Sophia23x · 26/08/2017 20:16

I don't think he is. Basically my brother works 7 days a week and has a one year old daughter about 250 miles away who he sees for a week every month (he has her down here) as he is working, I went down to collect my niece from her mum about a week ago for the usual week up here. Her mum was very polite when I collected her, no issues.

So my brother gets in to an argument with his daughters mother over text, she started accusing my brother of having the daughter around women and not caring for her properly which was of course not true. I was there the whole time as I was caring for my niece whilst he was working. She then demanded the return of her daughter and my brother told her if she wanted her home 5 days early she would have to collect her herself.

Then my brother gets a phone call from work saying someone had accused him of kidnap by leaving a voicemail on the work phone. She told him this was her and she had also called the police but decided not to proceed further with the call to the police (probably because she didn't want to get done for wasting police time) my brothers work took this seriously and called him in for a meeting about the allegation. He was understandably very upset (I've checked the texts and he has done no wrong, he tries to ignore her but she doesn't let it be, she is insane I'm sure) he then tells me to drop his daughter back to his mum because he's fed up of the drama and allegations.

I dropped her back at her house (bloody 5 hour drive) she tried inviting me in to "talk" I said no and that I just wanted to get home and I was not in the mood after what she accused my brother of when it did not happen, she then apologised and kept insisting I talk to her. I said no and she said whatever and went back in.

She didn't contact anyone for a few days then today my brother has demands for him to pick up their daughter because she needs "space" and "time to sort her head out" calling him all sorts of names telling him he never takes responsibility for his daughter etc

He has told her if she needs some space she will need to bring their daughter up herself because he is not collecting her due to the past allegation of kidnap

Is this unreasonable? She seems to think it is and is now causing all sorts of trouble. She thinks the world revolves around her.

OP posts:

kittybiscuits · 26/08/2017 22:50

I can smell something funny.

Lurkedforever1 · 26/08/2017 22:53

He's bu. Yes he needs to arrange proper access through the courts, but meantime if the mother is that unstable why the hell would anyone be debating the rights and wrongs of who should drive? Surely you just put the interests of the child first and go and get them? If the mother is currently not coping then how can it be ok to leave a baby in her care, just for the sake of winning an argument?

You/he can't have it both ways. Either she is deranged, or fit to be left with a baby. She can't be both.

TheEdgeOfGlory266 · 26/08/2017 22:56

ShapelyBingoWing

You really need to read the original post again.
250 miles one way does not equal to 1000 miles and she said it was a 5 hour journey to take her back.
So that's 500 miles round trip taking 10 hours.

Sorry OP no advice here, that was just bugging me.

kittybiscuits · 26/08/2017 22:59

She collects her and takes her back. That's 1000 miles. If she is even real.

mirialis · 26/08/2017 22:59

Oh thank fuck Glory - you saved me the trouble!

ShapelyBingoWing · 26/08/2017 22:59

Going to collect the child: 250 miles
Bringing child to brother: 250 miles
Taking child home a week later: 250 miles
Returning home herself: 250 miles

Total: 1000 miles each month.

I'm not sure it's me who needs to re-read.

mirialis · 26/08/2017 23:02

OP appears to be willing to do a 500mile round trip twice a month (which is not 4 hours)

So why are you banging on about this and saying she claims to be doing 1000 miles at "lightning speed"??

She says it takes her 5 hours to drive 250 miles.

TheEdgeOfGlory266 · 26/08/2017 23:04

Not least because the OP appears to be willing to do a 500mile round trip twice a month (which isnot4 hours)
I'll just leave this here.

Fair point about the 1000 miles, under where you were coming from there. So we're talking 20 hours then....

ShapelyBingoWing · 26/08/2017 23:10

I'm "banging on" because it is a huge favour to get off a sibling each month to avoid the convenience of rescheduling training. It gives me the impression, as I've already said, that we don't have all the facts.

I also agree with PP that giving a 10 minute conversation between the 2 250 mile journeys is both logical and preferable to leaving immediately. I regularly drive 250 miles to visit family. It's a tough journey with a baby in the car. You need a break.

Another PP has quite rightly pointed out that if the ex is as deranged as we're being told, safeguarding his daughter should be more important than his career and of course he should go and get her.

But ignore the holes in the story all you like

scottishdiem · 26/08/2017 23:26

But you have the fact that can match the story if you are prepared to believe that not everyone is like you. I would, and have, done similar trips for a friend to help them. Admittedly I knew it was for a short amount of time but I think if it had been a sibling then I would have done it more. If it was for a sibling to see a niece or nephew I would willingly do it but hey ho. Others dont value family as much.

Breaks can be got at service stations. You meet the person that has lied (and a fairly horrendous one at that) about your sibling. Put both yours and siblings access to the child at risk as well as his things like funding and sponsorship or the whatever the little work he needs to sustain the athletics. I wouldnt give them 10 seconds never mind 10 minutes. But hey ho. Others are happy to live with unfounded accusations.

Another PP has quite rightly pointed out that if the ex is as deranged as we're being told, safeguarding his daughter should be more important than his career and of course he should go and get her.

On this we agree.

But ignore the holes in the story all you like

There may be holes in the story but you are intent on digging new ones with sarcasm to cover your mistake about driving distances and times.

ShapelyBingoWing · 26/08/2017 23:37

You're just after an argument scottish. I haven't been sarcastic. Pointing out holes in a story doesn't dig new ones. I haven't made a mistake about distances. I've been very clear on them. Reading back, I may have misinterpreted how long the OP says she's on the road. But the OP hasn't been back to clarify anything, least of all how many hours she drives each month to facilitate her brother's contact.

MargaretTwatyer · 26/08/2017 23:38

Who says he can't train if he picks his child up? I don't know of anyone who'd do 1000miles at light speed every month so their sibling didn't have to rearrange their training around doing the journeys

I'm afraid that telling me about how important training is to athletes isn't going to convince me we're getting a full picture here.

You appear to know very little about the subject of athletic training yet you're prepared to make pretty decisive statements about it.

If you're in professional athletics it isn't just a case of pushing your run back a few hours or doing a few hours extra the next day. For a start if he's a team athlete he's hardly going to be able to get 11 other people to rearrange training. He probably has trainers who work with others too and can't drop everything. But most importantly he will be on a strict program of activity and recovery which needs to be maintained to keep him in proper condition and injury free.

kittybiscuits · 26/08/2017 23:40

^ It's all about him then. No one else matters.

ShapelyBingoWing · 26/08/2017 23:47

You appear to know very little about the subject of athletic training

His child needs him. By all accounts, the child's mother isn't coping and is showing erratic behaviour. This isn't about the training needs of athletes or what you've decided I know about the topic. It's about whether his daughter or his career is further up his list of priorities.

twattymctwatterson · 27/08/2017 02:04

She sounds mentally unwell. I'd be less concerned about who is and isn't being unreasonable and more concerned about the welfare of a very young child. What exactly are his plans for seeing his daughter when she starts school?

Devilishpyjamas · 27/08/2017 02:24

What nursery takes her 7 days a week once a month? And surely that's not good for attachment in such a young child?

RadioGaGoo · 27/08/2017 02:36

Hang on. She moved 250 miles away, not him. Why should he move to be closer to her? If he was the one who moved 250 miles away and did not arrange some for of transportation, MN'ers would be baying for blood. They certainly wouldn't be suggesting that Mum moves closer to Dad!

SandyY2K · 27/08/2017 03:05

His Ex sounds crazy and he's not being unreasonable IMO. She accused him of kidnap, when it was nothing of the sort, so she can deal with it herself now.

I hate the women use children as pawns.

TheEdgeOfGlory266 · 27/08/2017 04:26

The ex sounds pretty unstable and perhaps she's just not coping as a single mother with no support from the dad nearby.

With that in mind, I should imagine that as a professional athlete, any major sporting events such as the Olympics (I'm not saying that's what he is training for) he would be in a contract. If he's getting sponsors he can't just drop out as people are peddling money into his career. I'm sure this is a very difficult situation bearing in mind, he did not leave his daughter, she was taking 250 miles away.

Gorgosparta · 27/08/2017 07:02

Are you the OP's sockpuppet or somethingGorgo?

Is this best you can come up with when someone disagrees with you?

Really? You think i am op, ask mn. I have been here 7 years and am not the op.

Improve your argument. Rather than throw accusation around.

ShapelyBingoWing · 27/08/2017 08:43

I've said far more than that comment

Allergictoironing · 27/08/2017 09:00

Just to throw a very small additional bit of info re Athletes, for Track & Field the athlete has to declare where they will be at any time over the next few weeks so they can be randomly drug tested. If they miss more than 2 tests whatever the reason, they have an automatic ban from competition. So 1 incident of "just popping out to the shops", one incident of staying over at a mate's house unplanned, and one incident of being delayed on the 500 mile round journey to collect a child due to traffic means they can't further their career or earn the money to support the child.

Gorgosparta · 27/08/2017 09:10

I've said far more than that comment

Yeah i read it all. Still stand by my comment. You found it eaiser to throw an accustation at me than to debate your point.

kittybiscuits · 27/08/2017 09:11

ShapelyBingoWing · 27/08/2017 09:14

More of a hint at how your attitude is coming across than a proper accusation Gorgo. Apologies if I didn't make that clear enough. The fact remains, we're not getting the full story.

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