Is my brother being unreasonable by not collecting his daughter

[Sophia23x]

I don't think he is. Basically my brother works 7 days a week and has a one year old daughter about 250 miles away who he sees for a week every month (he has her down here) as he is working, I went down to collect my niece from her mum about a week ago for the usual week up here. Her mum was very polite when I collected her, no issues.

So my brother gets in to an argument with his daughters mother over text, she started accusing my brother of having the daughter around women and not caring for her properly which was of course not true. I was there the whole time as I was caring for my niece whilst he was working. She then demanded the return of her daughter and my brother told her if she wanted her home 5 days early she would have to collect her herself.

Then my brother gets a phone call from work saying someone had accused him of kidnap by leaving a voicemail on the work phone. She told him this was her and she had also called the police but decided not to proceed further with the call to the police (probably because she didn't want to get done for wasting police time) my brothers work took this seriously and called him in for a meeting about the allegation. He was understandably very upset (I've checked the texts and he has done no wrong, he tries to ignore her but she doesn't let it be, she is insane I'm sure) he then tells me to drop his daughter back to his mum because he's fed up of the drama and allegations.

I dropped her back at her house (bloody 5 hour drive) she tried inviting me in to "talk" I said no and that I just wanted to get home and I was not in the mood after what she accused my brother of when it did not happen, she then apologised and kept insisting I talk to her. I said no and she said whatever and went back in.

She didn't contact anyone for a few days then today my brother has demands for him to pick up their daughter because she needs "space" and "time to sort her head out" calling him all sorts of names telling him he never takes responsibility for his daughter etc

He has told her if she needs some space she will need to bring their daughter up herself because he is not collecting her due to the past allegation of kidnap

Is this unreasonable? She seems to think it is and is now causing all sorts of trouble. She thinks the world revolves around her.

She sounds like she loves drama. No your brother is not UR. Have minimal contact with this person, only what you need for your niece's sake. They sound as if they are very disturbed. Trying to get your brother sacked by ringing his work. Report the false accusations of sexual assault and raped to the police. She is deranged.

She will need to bring their daughter up herself because he is not collecting her due to the past allegation of kidnap

I'm assuming this means bring her up to his house rather than raise her alone! That could be intepreted as leaving his daughter with a parent who is struggling, which may not be in his daughter's best interests. I would collect her but I would get a very clear text from her confirming dates and times agreed.

It sounds like he has been making an effort with your support, but it does sound like he may need to go to court to formalise the arrangement to minimise the drama.

The Legal Matters board here may be useful. He could represent himself or speak to a family solicitor. The important thing is to start now before the child is any older or the situation deteriorates. He is seeing her now and that's good - he needs to continue doing that as regularly as possible as it sets a precedent. It will not look good in court if he has refused contact, which he is doing if he says he won't collect her when contact time has been offered. Before going to court, write to her (recorded delivery) with suggestions for improving the situation, including maybe suggesting mediation. The court will want to know he has made an effort to sort it out. I wouldn't mention court to her at the moment though.

I sometimes think, how would you justify what you're doing now to your child in 10, 20 or 30 years time? Being mucked about by an adult is one thing, but the child still needs her dad.

It may be worth having a separate phone or email address for his ex, and having a few stock responses like "I will only respond to messbages related to DD or contact arrangements". "As agreed, DD will be picked up at x time and dropped off at x time".

Good luck. It's a difficult situation for you too.

Need to get this properly documented and mediated IMO
Court or whatever
The mother sounds like her mental health is in bad shape

Make sure your brother is keeping every single text, email or whatever. Screenshot those that disappear after a time.

She's either unwell or as mad as a box of frogs. Either way, I think you do need to get involved and talk to her. For your nieces sake. If it was my niece I know what I'd do - I'd get it in writng (email/text) that she wants her DD collected by you & for you/her Dad to look after her. Then I'd go up to collect her, I'd talk to your 'SIL' and see what's going on. If you don't think 'SIL' is well enough to be looking after your niece I'd spend the week seeing what could legally be done for your brother to keep her until 'SIL' is fit to look after her, then I'd go for 50/50 shared care. They might be able to insist that 'SIL' moves back locally. I don't know. But what I wouldn't be doing us ignore her pleas for help, nor driving your niece if she's in no fit state.

FFS. He is her father. I would love to see the responses on her if people suggested it was inappropriate for a mother to work while she had her children with her.

Did you overlook that it's 7 days a week?

Surely speak to social services about the fact she is making these accusations. She's clearly not well.

He needs to keep all of the texts as evidence. He also needs to go to court to sort out contact legally.

I can't really get past the fact that he has his daughter for 1 week of the month and doesn't take a single day off in that time. Or by the looks of it, collect and drop her off himself. Why bother taking it to court? Sorry.

To be fair, if he is an athlete he can't take a day off. Three hours a day still leaves plenty of time for bonding though.

If it goes to court the needs of the child will be paramount. The current arrangement is problematic and if it's suitable now, which is doubtful, it will be out of the question when the DD starts nursery/school.

I can't really get past the fact that he has his daughter for 1 week of the month and doesn't take a single day off in that time. Or by the looks of it, collect and drop her off himself. Why bother taking it to court? Sorry.

He works far less than 40 hours a week.

He works far less than 40 hours a week.

Yet can't go and get her himself or drop her off.

Yes shapely because of when hevworks tge 3 hours.

Op is happy to help. So whats the issue?

But op is not happy to do it back and forth on her brothers exs whims.

Are you the OP's sockpuppet or something Gorgo?

I have big doubts we're getting the full story here. Not least because the OP appears to be willing to do a 500mile round trip twice a month (which is not 4 hours) in order to prevent her brother missing between 2 and 6 hours work.

For me the issues are -

Is the mum okay? People are slating her but it sounds like a very difficult set up and maybe she is struggling and needs support.

Is the current arrangement meeting the child's needs?

What is the long term plan for workable contact arrangements? Courts don't just work around the dad. What the hell will happen when the child is at school. What if the OP can't continue to do all the driving and childcare.

I'm with you @ShapelyBingoWing

FFS. It's 3 hours seven days a week. It's not like he's spending no time with her.

If he's a professional athlete he can't just sack off his training when he feels like it, his form would be shot to pieces and it would end his career. It takes a huge amount of hard work and dedication to get to the level of being a professional athelete. And yes families do make incredible sacrifices to support this so it's not at all surprising that doing pick up to help him train is included in that.

I don't think it is your place to help her. But equally, its not your place to criticise her. Your brother needs to create a more suitable family environment for his daughter.

Having her for 7 days in 31 is nothing ehen he works everyday and you have her.

Oh ignore me. I didn't see your update about the hours. Inhave no idea why!

Though i do think you need to stay out of it.

Where does it say 500 miles is 4 hours. I read 250 miles and a four hour journey there which, if you live close to a motorway is fine. And whilst I know that many posters on MN tend to think that if driving for less than 10 years and have never driven more than 5 miles from home seems to be some kind of norm, other people, men and women, are often on the road for hundreds of miles a day.

If the OPs brother is an athlete who goes to international events then training is working and missing work is a real hassle and driving is not the best work out. Athletes get funding from sponsors and sports bodies so even a random call from a bonkers mother who clearly should not be looking after a baby is going to upset the apple cart and cause problems. Image means a lot. Imagine the feminist chat board here on the day the Daily Mail publishes a story about an athlete "kidnapping" a baby. Outage central.

OP, your brother needs to consider what is best for the child. His child. Ultimately this includes sacrificing his career if thats whats needed to get the child to a safe environment.

And yes families do make incredible sacrifices to support this so it's not at all surprising that doing pick up to help him train is included in that.

Who says he can't train if he picks his child up? I don't know of anyone who'd do 1000miles at light speed every month so their sibling didn't have to rearrange their training around doing the journeys themself.

I'm afraid that telling me about how important training is to athletes isn't going to convince me we're getting a full picture here.

Must be very bewildering for the one year old. Don't see how he can form a bond with her in that stressful a situation (stressful for a child who can't understand the concept of a week, or going back home or who is meant to be family and who isn't).
Really, if he can put the child first, wouldnt' it be better to move nearer to where she lives or for him to spend weekends in the area and see her every weekend or something? Sounds not at all ideal for anyone, least of all the child. :(

If the baby was with the OP for Christmas she was only 4 months old,I would be disturbed if this were my baby away for a week at that age.
Something is wrong with this story.
If not ,the child is too young to be traveling away from her mum for a week to see a man who is not her main carer when she is there .
If all the accusations are true then I would be worried about the mum too as she sounds as if she needs help.Who drives 250 miles to take a baby home early and doesn't then take 10mins to talk to her and find out what is happening?

Just to add that the title of this this thread is misleading since your brother never picks his daughter up.