Should i confront or go NC? Warning:VERY offensive content contained

[MadameDuvet]

I have always (I thought) got on really well with DB. Enjoyed his company, been able to chat to him and had no issues whatsoever.

It transpires he has said some vile disgusting things about me. I'm devastated. Feel a real 'loss' as if the person I thought he was is gone but also huge amounts of anger about what he has said about me and what this also means about his character.
I was told by DM and DF what he had said they both said they thought I should know as I have always thought so highly of DB and got on so well with him and they wanted the truth to come out.
He said the following, criticised the fact I apparently have a 'free house'. We have a council house and secure tenancy but have to pay full rent. Yes it's secure but only if we pay the rent and money is tight.
Alleged we get full housing benefit (we don't get any)
Alleged we have 'a free council car' again, we don't and although due to the DC dla we have an entitlement to one we haven't actually got one.

The worst and most hurtful comment was in relation to a recent situation.
He had asked DM to release equity in her house to give him a large sum of money. He told her I should not be allowed the same as I have debts and I would only use the money to pay them them off and the rest I'd spend "like a n*** on payday"
He doesn't know I'm aware he's said this. DM said she didn't want to hurt me but felt I needed to know and she was so sorry I was upset. I'm glad she told me or I'd have been blind to what he really thinks of me and his disgusting views.
But I'm so hurt.
Should I go NC or should I confront him. AIBU to just want to go NC with no reason just because I'm so hurt I don't even know if I could cope with bringing it up 😔

Not the right amount of * on the word but I'm sure you can all work out it's meant to be 6 letter horrendous word 😔

He doesn't sound very nice but I don't know what a n* is so I'm not sure how offensive he's been

Why did your parents tell you?

They should have pulled him up on what he said and left it at that.

If you do say anything do it in front of your parents or it will all get a bit 'he said, she said'. I bet they aren't as innocent in the conversation as they would have you believe.

Oh bloody hell.
How do you think a confrontation would go? He sounds very bitter and angry, so I'd wait until you've calmed down and then maybe send an email telling him what you've told us here.

How will it affect your m&d?

I know that his request was completely declined after that comment and he's not speaking to DM.
I'm just so hurt. All the criticism and jealousy? over what he thinks we have for free when we don't and the 'n' reference ? I'm disgusted and so so hurt

Are you sure it's not just your mum and dad shit stirring - i.e. He didn't really say these things at all?

and he's not speaking to DM

Is this why she told you?

DF put him straight about the car etc. Not that it's an issue if we did have a motability car but his bitterness about the fact we could is hurtful when he knows and I thought understood the struggles we have

wow. If it's the N word I am thinking of, i would totally cut him off! Disgusting!

I think your parents are trying to stir trouble. Why on earth would they tell you? They should have tackled your brother when he said those things. I'm not sure it's worth going no contact with him. It just sounds like sibling jealousy. Does he have money worries?

I'm surprised your parents told you that.

I would take a bit of a back step from all of your family. Not NC but a backward step

She told me the day it was said. Two days later she gave him her decision. It was after that point they stopped talking as he wasn't happy she said no.

Oh call him out - preferably in a public forum. Those are vile comments. He's your brother but what a nasty human peice of rubbish he is.
it's devastating when you someone you love turns out to be a not what you thought.

If what he said is true, I think I would feel more sorry for him than angry at him. He must be a very damaged, miserable person. What he said reflects far more on him than you. I'm sorry you're so hurt. It's awful.

I don't think they were stirring I think they wanted to open my eyes as I've always championed db as he works so hard and I thiughtbwqs a decent person who has just had a lot of bad luck. Maybe they didn't want me looking stupid in future after what he said about me ?
Either way I'm so hurt

Fucking hell! money worries there is never an excuse for racism. Call him fucking out - let everyone know what kind of a mind he has.

I would call him out on it, then go nc if you wanted.
I would also be concerned that he is trying to get a large cash sum from your parents.
Equity release could end up leaving them with nothing.

The council/benefits type comments really hurt. The racism I'm in shock at it's absolutely foul and disgusting I literally cannot believe I did not know his real character. All these years I've defended him in various situations now I feel like a mug was I the only one who couldn't see it. DM always said don't trust him and I always ended up nearly rowing with her as I stuck up for him so much. I was blind

I think you should at least ask your brother whether he said these things.

From first glance it's like your parents are trying to create a division between you both. I think they've fallen out and she's trying to isolate him. Of course I could be wrong and he could have said what they said, but you won't know unless you actually ask and gauge his reaction.

Wow. Has he ever made any comments to suggest he has these views before now ( i.e. Racist comments). I don't think you can grow up with someone without getting a sense of what their opinions are about these matters. If this is out of the ordinary I might wonder what was going on.... he sounds desperate for the money... is he in tons of debt? That's not to say that it makes it ok of course but it might explain it. If it sounds par for the course then I don't think I would be able to be around him. whether you confront him first depends on your attitude to confrontation and what you hope to gain by it ( e.g. An apology)

No racism before

A comment years ago when we got a new sofa "how can someone in a council house afford that" but I thought it was a one off comment although I was pissed off

Due to your last post, it really does sound like your mother is toxic. If they don't have a good relationship then why would he slag you (someone he does get on with) off to her?

I would be wary of the claims.

I have to ask him if he said it then. That will be a horrible conversation but I think I need to know. That's if he will admit it when confronted if he did say it.
What a mess 😔

In the first instance, I would ask him whether he said these things. And if he denies it, ask why he thinks your parents would make up such a thing.