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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should i confront or go NC? Warning:VERY offensive content contained

65 replies

MadameDuvet · 26/08/2017 18:43

I have always (I thought) got on really well with DB. Enjoyed his company, been able to chat to him and had no issues whatsoever.

It transpires he has said some vile disgusting things about me. I'm devastated. Feel a real 'loss' as if the person I thought he was is gone but also huge amounts of anger about what he has said about me and what this also means about his character.
I was told by DM and DF what he had said they both said they thought I should know as I have always thought so highly of DB and got on so well with him and they wanted the truth to come out.
He said the following, criticised the fact I apparently have a 'free house'. We have a council house and secure tenancy but have to pay full rent. Yes it's secure but only if we pay the rent and money is tight.
Alleged we get full housing benefit (we don't get any)
Alleged we have 'a free council car' again, we don't and although due to the DC dla we have an entitlement to one we haven't actually got one.

The worst and most hurtful comment was in relation to a recent situation.
He had asked DM to release equity in her house to give him a large sum of money. He told her I should not be allowed the same as I have debts and I would only use the money to pay them them off and the rest I'd spend "like a n*** on payday"
He doesn't know I'm aware he's said this. DM said she didn't want to hurt me but felt I needed to know and she was so sorry I was upset. I'm glad she told me or I'd have been blind to what he really thinks of me and his disgusting views.
But I'm so hurt.
Should I go NC or should I confront him. AIBU to just want to go NC with no reason just because I'm so hurt I don't even know if I could cope with bringing it up 😔

OP posts:
Original poster
MadameDuvet · 26/08/2017 19:05

I'm hurt because

  1. I clearly missed the fact he's a vile racist
  2. he's has spoken about me in derogatory terms because we have a council house etc
  3. I feel a 'loss' for the friend and brother I thought I had
OP posts:
FlandersRocks · 26/08/2017 19:06

DM always said don't trust him

[Hmm] ...she doesn't sound very keen on your db overall.

I can't for the life of me think why a parent would tell these tales tbh, even if true- unless to shit stir. I'd be careful about how much you believe.

Original poster
MadameDuvet · 26/08/2017 19:06

I thought he was sympathetic to what we've gone through over the years and the struggles we've had. If he did say these things as alleged then it means he's been begrudging me everything and saying so behind my back. It really hurts

OP posts:
WomblingThree · 26/08/2017 19:06

I don't understand why you are even giving this headspace. You are saying none of it is true, and he only said it to your parents who presumably also know it's not true, so why worry. He's a twat but that's his problem.

Your OP has so many triggers; disablism, classism and racism, it's amazing your 'D'B hasn't been punched in the face before now.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/08/2017 19:06

How awful, to discover a person you love and thought highly, actually is a totally different and nasty person. How are your parents addressing this? They should totally be supporting you and pulling him up on his nasty behaviour, not shit stirring. You do need to have that conversation, and tell him, that your parents told you.

Hulder · 26/08/2017 19:07

Has he got a history of doing dislikeable things but you championing him and making excuses for him?

It sounds like this from your subsequent posts that other family members have known what he was like for a long while - he hasn't had 'bad luck', he's just had a sob story you've fallen for.

I'm sorry it's taken this but at least now you know.

TippyTinkleTrousers · 26/08/2017 19:11

I really love my brothers and we have good relationships between all three of us.

I would be utterly devastated to hear one of them had spoken about me like that.

Me being me, I would have to confront them because the anger would eat me up inside and I would struggle to let it go.
And then I would NC.

I'm so sorry to hear you're enduring this and I totally get that you feel a loss of a person you thought you knew.

A good friend of mine ditiched me during a particularly tough time in my life and I felt the same. It's a horrible feeling.

Original poster
MadameDuvet · 26/08/2017 19:12

DM has always maintained his only real love is money and she doesn't trust him. They've never got on that well and growing up I often felt he was treated the 'worst' so felt sorry for him.
When he was depressed a few years ago he would often threaten suicide to which DM would respond it was attention seeking and I would go out of my way to talk him down or make sure he was actually alive if he went awol (he was usually just hiding in his flat not answering calls) but it uoset me DM didn't seem worried.
If he was ever criticised Inwouod say how he had always worked hard since the age of 13 and when his relationship broke down o felt sorry for him whilst DM didn't (I found out some time after that it was due to his cheating and DM hadn't told us as he asked her not to)
DM and DF haven't really 'shit stirred' before but I think DM has just had enough after how he apparently spoke to her in relation the money request so she's let it all out as I think can't bear it if anyone had stuck up for him again

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 26/08/2017 19:15

I would ask him. It's really hard when your eyes are truly open. Flowers

Original poster
MadameDuvet · 26/08/2017 19:15

I'll speak to him. I'll have a think how exactly to approach it and ask him directly. I just needed to 'tell' someone as feel so hurt

OP posts:
TippyTinkleTrousers · 26/08/2017 19:15

@Hulder have you read the OP's previous threads?

If so, how do you do that?

OP, I'm asking not because I want to read your previous threads but because I needed help with something last night and really needed to read the persons previous threads for future info. Thankfully she PM'd me with the help in the end but would really like to know how to look back on posters previous threads.

I digress.

SpiritedLondon · 26/08/2017 19:15

Sorry. He sounds like a complete dick.

NicolasFlamel · 26/08/2017 19:16

Ohh that n word. Yeah I'm not sure I'd want to spend much time with him in future. He sounds really unpleasant.

Fuckit2017 · 26/08/2017 19:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TippyTinkleTrousers · 26/08/2017 19:17

Wow it sounds like your Mum has had to deal with a lot with him.

Although it sounds like he had a tough time with their relationship prior to that.

It makes you wonder which one caused which....

Do you have any other brothers or sisters?

TippyTinkleTrousers · 26/08/2017 19:18

Could it be that he is jealous of your and your parents relationship?

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 26/08/2017 19:18

Ok well it sounds like he has been scapegoated by your mum from an early age. I would take what's she saying with a huge pinch of salt, it wouldn't even be a surprise if he never actually asked for money like the way she's saying he did.

Original poster
MadameDuvet · 26/08/2017 19:20

Yes he does have money issues. He apparently told DM it's her fault he can't get a mortgage because she won't release money for him. He was very upset ashis commute is long and he wants to live nearer his work. I actually felt very sorry for him.
The thing is his wages in relation to rent etc plus his debts are comparable to our rent-wages-debt and we are also struggling but the fact he knows this and supposedly (of what I've been told is true) only tried to get money for himself and said these things is extremely hurtful and not the person I thought he was

OP posts:
CaptainMarvelDanvers · 26/08/2017 19:23

I'm suprised other posters are so quick to believe the mum, who from OP's own words, has a poor relationship with her brother.

What the OP needs to do is ask her brother.

Original poster
MadameDuvet · 26/08/2017 19:23

I know he did ask for it as he told me he had. He said to me there was no point me asking too as mine would just be swallowed up on paying debts. So this is why I'm inclined to believe what I've been told as that comment seems like a precursor to the rest in hindsight. I'd told him at that point that it was up to DM what she does with her finances I wasn't getting involved with what would be between them.

He's not jealous of the relationship I have with our parents as he's been aware of the struggles I had growing up itbwanst ideal for anyone

OP posts:
PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 26/08/2017 19:23

Call him out on it and then go NC. Saying that, by the sounds of it he has no reason to know why you're going NC (although a total dick if he doesn't guess why).

On the racism front, I don't get how he can call you something so full of hate when I'm assuming that he (or one of your parents) are the same race as you (although I'm aware that families can be made through adoption)

Original poster
MadameDuvet · 26/08/2017 19:24

Yes. I agree I need to talk to him directly (although I'm not looking forward to it it seems the only way to get clarity)

OP posts:
PovertyPain · 26/08/2017 19:26

It's possible there's even more about your db that your dm has kept back. I wonder if she's afraid that he's going to hurt you, in an emotional way? Are your parents elderly? Are they concerned that he's trying to get his hands on their house? He's a cheeky fucker trying to get them to release part of their house.

Original poster
MadameDuvet · 26/08/2017 19:29

DM had enough of him by the time he was probably about 5 or 6. She couldn't cope with him. He was (I think) possibly unwell. She nearly died whilst expecting him, he nearly died when born v premature and when he was sent home stopped breathing and then was a very very difficult child. He was destructive and hyperactive, violent and she couldn't manage. He broke toys ripped my hair out at the roots frequently and I remember home life being dreadful for a long time but he tried so hard when he got to about 13 to work hard and I always defended him. It's really hard as for him to now say these things if it's true which I suspect it is I'm so hurt

OP posts:
Original poster
MadameDuvet · 26/08/2017 19:30

I'll speak to him. I think I'm just trying to process thing and work myself up for it as never ever expected to be told he felt that way about me

OP posts:
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