Should i confront or go NC? Warning:VERY offensive content contained

[MadameDuvet]

I have always (I thought) got on really well with DB. Enjoyed his company, been able to chat to him and had no issues whatsoever.

It transpires he has said some vile disgusting things about me. I'm devastated. Feel a real 'loss' as if the person I thought he was is gone but also huge amounts of anger about what he has said about me and what this also means about his character.
I was told by DM and DF what he had said they both said they thought I should know as I have always thought so highly of DB and got on so well with him and they wanted the truth to come out.
He said the following, criticised the fact I apparently have a 'free house'. We have a council house and secure tenancy but have to pay full rent. Yes it's secure but only if we pay the rent and money is tight.
Alleged we get full housing benefit (we don't get any)
Alleged we have 'a free council car' again, we don't and although due to the DC dla we have an entitlement to one we haven't actually got one.

The worst and most hurtful comment was in relation to a recent situation.
He had asked DM to release equity in her house to give him a large sum of money. He told her I should not be allowed the same as I have debts and I would only use the money to pay them them off and the rest I'd spend "like a n*** on payday"
He doesn't know I'm aware he's said this. DM said she didn't want to hurt me but felt I needed to know and she was so sorry I was upset. I'm glad she told me or I'd have been blind to what he really thinks of me and his disgusting views.
But I'm so hurt.
Should I go NC or should I confront him. AIBU to just want to go NC with no reason just because I'm so hurt I don't even know if I could cope with bringing it up 😔

I would confront your DB and ask him whether he actually said any of what your DM says he said. Maybe you could also ask mutual friends if he's bad mouthed you to them as well.

It's possible they're as bad as each other, their relationship is clearly toxic and things were probably said in anger. It wouldn't be surprising if he had harboured resentment against you as your DM and DF have favoured you on your own admission. I actually think it wasn't very fair of your DM to tell you tbh. Families can bring out the worst in each other and if he said too much (could he have been pissed by any chance?) then she should have spoken to him again and given him the chance to retract whatever he said.

The racism I find harder to believe as it's odd that he's never shown any sign of it before, and you do know him very well.

OK - it sounds more complex, your DM and DB have their own complex dysfunctional relationship in which as adults they now seek to suck you in as proof they are the innocent party.

On the face of it, your DB has a scapegoat role - which he has now lived up to, knowing your DM doesn't back him. They both triangulate you into sorting out their problems - DM tells you he slagged off your council house behind your back, DB gets you to stand up to her when he's in trouble.

You might want to have a look at the drama triangle before wading in and confronting him.

It's not your DM's fault he can't get a mortgage and has a long commute. It's not your fault you have a council house or that your DM was nicer to you than him as a child. You can't sort either of these things out for him.

Your mother sounds like a shit-stirring bitch.

It's one thing to tell someone that a relative believes that they get x and y from the state (council house/motorbility car/housing benefit. It's quite another thing to tell someone that you think they ought to know what someone you have a close relationship with and they don't really thinks of you and that they said you would "spend their money like a n." that comment alone would make me believe that none of this was ever actually said and that because she hates your brother she wants you to as well so she thought she'd shatter your illusion of what you think of him.

I would cut her off not him.

OP, never ever take another person's version of a conversation too seriously. Even when there is no malice involved, versions change when a conversation is repeated. Remember Chinese whispers?

Your brother certainly doesn't sound like a saint, but neither does your mother, writing off her son at such an early age.

I'm sorry you've effectively lost your brother & friend.

I think your Mum was right to tell you. You need to know what he's like, so he's not making a fool of you while you're busy defending him. It seems pretty clear after what he said to you, that she's not lying.

I suspect now you might start to remember other little comments he's made that you glossed over.

About his comment re payday. I'm in my 40's, when I was growing up those type of comments were common. We were discussing one on a thread yesterday. If he was angry & said it in the heat of the moment I really wouldn't get too wound up by it. It's so easy to revert back to a well known phrase without actually thinking about what you're saying.

Just go NC OP. I am on benefits as well with a disabled child (and yes we do have a council house on housing benefit and a car paid for by dla and I'm not ashamed). The people who bitch about it are those who will never make an effort to understand. I just cut them out of my life, it sucks up all your energy to try to deal with them and you need to put all of that into your dc's needs.

I had very similar with my brother, I see him maybe once a year, twice at a push

Hmmm. I suspect there is probably something your DM is trying to hide as she seems to be making an incredibly panicky attempt to stop him speaking to you.

Do you think it could be possible that DM actually owes the money to him and is refusing to pay it back? Or she has already released the equity and spent it on herself? My money would be on one of those two. I certainly wouldn't be believing what sounds like an emotionally abusive mother with a history of playing her kids off against each other claimed when it seems totally out of character.

The other possibility with this is that he's pushing for equity release because he thinks she will leave everything to you.

Oh that's hard. I would definitely speak to your brother first, just to check that your parents aren't stirring or making things up. If he did say those things then I would definitely go no--contact with him as it sounds like he is not the person you thought he was and he clearly doesn't think very highly of you. I would question why your parents felt they had to say it to you though.

Where has the racism come from/how did you not know that about him? Are either of you black?

Tbh, from what you have described of his early life, I would not be suprised if he had some detatchment disorder? It sounds like he was neglected/abused by your mum? I would tread gently I think

Your mother had 'enough of him at the age of five'?! And now she has decided to cut him off, she suddenly remembers all this horrible stuff he has said about you? How convenient!

Do you think she is jealous of your relationship with him?

Are your DP trying to turn you against your brother?

Why are you believing the things being said about him if it's not something you would expect of him?