To say 'no' to a date because of this?

[BossyBitch]

I'm totally prepared to be told IABU, but please read the backstory before deciding - I'll try to keep it reasonably short:

I've recently met a man and he's asked me on a date. It's definitely not love at first sight by any means, but he's nice enough and we have some interests in common. Under different circumstances, I might consider accepting and seeing how it goes, but he's unemployed and, even if he weren't, would be looking at a salary of about a third of my own. And this is kind of a deal-breaker for me.

I'm divorced, and exH has always made a lot less than me. This led to me losing almost half of what I owned and of my pension in the divorce. He also used to be insanely jealous of my professional situation - both in the sense that he envied me for being the main breadwinner and in that he actually seemed to feel personally threatened by my career, which is admittedly important to me.

Being asked out by this guy has brought this all back. I really don't want another man who feels he has to be extra macho because his partner out-earns him. I also don't want to spend another few years paying for everything and then being given the silent-treatment because I've somehow insulted his manhood by doing so.

Then again, there's no reason to assume that other men would act like this just because my exH does - and I do feel like a horrible snob for turning someone down due to this.

So, AIBU to say no to a date because he doesn't have a job and - even if he did - comes nowhere close to my own earning potential?

[ForalltheSaints]

Just be polite in turning him down and do so in person or by a phone call- please not by text message.

[BuggerLumpsAnnoyed]

My MIL used a dating site for professionals and met someone who she's now living with.

She was in the situation where she was earning good money, had just had a relationship with someone who was terrible with money and she kept having to sub. She wanted to meet someone amd just enjoy a nice lifestyle and not have to support anyone. I dont think that's particularly unreasonable

[Papafran]

Yeah, seriously. Some of the posters on here seem to think that someone who is singly owes all other single men a date and have to have a very good reason to turn someone down. Why precisely?

I would assume that long term unemployment (for no good reason) was a sign of lack of ambition, motivation and work ethic. I find that quite unattractive if I am honest.

[Love51]

London living with unemployed people is rubbish. It's a really stressful time for them, also the rest of the household. You come home from work wanting a rest, they want company having only spoken to recruitment staff all day. Being unemployed sucks, but we don't have to align ourselves with other people's crap times. Different if you are already invested in each other and they become unemployed, at that point you are a team and suck it up. But it isn't the ops responsibility at this point. If she wants someone who can pull their financial weight / has the personality traits needed for employment, it is her choice.

[Confused009]

YANBU
And talking about your exs problems are relevant to this thread hence why you mentioned them and not really a sign that you are not ready to date.

I would be the same as yes I have seen many people stuffed in such a situation both men and women. I feel couples should match on these elements. Also how does an unemployed person date as I find dating expensive!

[OnTheRise]

You aren't attracted to him.

You suspect you won't share values with him, with regard to your work ethic.

Two good reasons to say no.

[WeAllHaveWings]

YANBU, I would struggle to date anyone who was long term unemployed without a valid reason which it doesn't sound like this guy does.

[IDoDaChaCha]

You can say no, it's entirely up to you. If someone brings back horrible memories and you aren't even that bothered about them why would you bother going on a date with them. I've financially supported men in the past and I'd never do it again.

[Tumbleweed101]

Having been with someone who hated working and for a big chunk of time didn't work I wouldn't consider someone with frequent job changes or long employment gaps either. Makes life in the long term too stressful.

As someone now past 40 if I date again unless there is pure chemistry at work I'd be quite picky about employment and earnings in a future partner. They'd have to have the ability to run a home financially and be grown up about finances.

I'd do my share of course, but I wouldn't want to be the highest earner (equal is fine) and deal with finances single handedly in a relationship again.

Definitely a 'once bitten' thing! Ex couldn't get credit so I stupidly got loans in my name as we were so poor and I've been the one raising the kids and paying them back with barely any help for the last six years.

[pilates]

You are not attracted to him
He hasn't got a job through choice

You don't sound on the same wave length tbh

[Aeroflotgirl]

Your call, you don't have to date this man. YANBU at all.

[Thebfg75]

You can refuse a date any time you like for any reason you like. You're free to date whomever you want or to not date at all. As long as you don't look down on anybody or treat them insensitively!!

[cashmerecardigans]

Well if you don't find him attractive, then it's a bit of a non-starter in my view.
That aside, I think it depends on his situation. If he's trying hard to get a job and wants to work, that's very different to someone who is a bit precious about it all - oooh I couldn't do that, I could only do that if they pay me x, that company doesn't allow my creativity to shine through etc etc. That would make me tun a mile.

[MissMogwai]

YANBU at all. As many others have said you don't need a reason not to date anyone.

However as you know why he's not working, that's obviously ringing alarm bells.

Personally I wouldn't date anyone who didn't work either.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Just read your reason for him being unemployed, totally unattractive and that would put me off.

[keeponworking]

I kinda don't understand this thread....

Why do you need to ask yourself, or MN, if it's ok to not go on a date with this person that you don't even seem to be attracted to and don't feel he would share your approach and feelings towards work and generating income?

Some people want to be with someone who is also a go-getter, goal-setting type of person and that's absolutely fine. I kind of don't understand the difficulty - I would, if you fancied the pants of this person because then it would be more of a dilemma... this seems so straightforward....

And it would be wrong to enter a relationship with someone who you don't really want to be with at all even from the get-go so surely it's a 'No' just for that reason?

[BannedFromNarnia]

I don't think that the lack of a job is the issue so much as that you don't really fancy him!

However, I think there's unemployed and unemployed. Hasn't had a job for four years and is showing no signs of getting one (and isn't independently wealthy?) - bin. Made redundant/contract ended 2 months ago and has had three interviews and is applying for roles every day? That's a temporary situation.

[Oysterbabe]

Yanbu. I wouldn't date someone unemployed.

[Imamouseduh]

YANBU - being unemployed would be a massive turn off to me.

[sparechange]

I couldn't date someone without a job
YANBU

[hibbledobble]

Yanbu to say no. You can do so for whatever reason you like.

Just be nice about it, don't tell him it's because he is unemployed.

[ImperialBlether]

I don't for a minute believe that a multi-millionaire would describe himself as unemployed.

[Slimthistime]

Yanbu at all

I'm sorry your finances were damaged, this is the main reason I always said I'd never marry. I find the less you have to lose, the worse it is to lose. I'd be living in half a flat if I'd married the BF who asked! (Joking apart, I'd have lost any security I had).

Have you considered staying single btw, it's brilliant!

[TFPsa]

If you're saying you're not attracted to this person then you'd be bonkers to start anything.

[ferntwist]

It doesn't sound like you're attracted to him enough. Don't go!