To say 'no' to a date because of this?

[BossyBitch]

I'm totally prepared to be told IABU, but please read the backstory before deciding - I'll try to keep it reasonably short:

I've recently met a man and he's asked me on a date. It's definitely not love at first sight by any means, but he's nice enough and we have some interests in common. Under different circumstances, I might consider accepting and seeing how it goes, but he's unemployed and, even if he weren't, would be looking at a salary of about a third of my own. And this is kind of a deal-breaker for me.

I'm divorced, and exH has always made a lot less than me. This led to me losing almost half of what I owned and of my pension in the divorce. He also used to be insanely jealous of my professional situation - both in the sense that he envied me for being the main breadwinner and in that he actually seemed to feel personally threatened by my career, which is admittedly important to me.

Being asked out by this guy has brought this all back. I really don't want another man who feels he has to be extra macho because his partner out-earns him. I also don't want to spend another few years paying for everything and then being given the silent-treatment because I've somehow insulted his manhood by doing so.

Then again, there's no reason to assume that other men would act like this just because my exH does - and I do feel like a horrible snob for turning someone down due to this.

So, AIBU to say no to a date because he doesn't have a job and - even if he did - comes nowhere close to my own earning potential?

[Italiangreyhound]

Of course you are not being unreasonable!

YOU have basically said yourself that you decide who you want to date/be romantic with/sleep with/marry/raise kids with! Yes, am getting away from myself!

So you are really not at all obligated to date anyone for any reason under the sun.

If you are asking if I would date someone who was not ideal, I think I would, but because I was pretty keen to get married and have kids. If dating had just been going out for meals etc, I'd have been less keen!

He may be fabulous, and you may be missing out, or he may be a pain, and your predictions correct. Either way, it is always 100% your choice and this is not something others can judge, or should judge. So do you want to go out with him?

(if you just want to be friends and he really fancies you, I m not sure it will go well.)

Good luck.

[AnneGrommit]

Agree with the majority of responses on here but I would add a note of caution re your ex. A pp said you may not be ready to date yet and I also wonder if this is the case being as how much of your post is about your ex. By all means use your past experience as a way of seeing red flags but if you're getting hung up on "this is what he used to do" in situations with different people - especially people who you barely know - it might be useful to look at why that is.

[HelenaDove]

Its up to you to date who you want OP.


This is something that would put me off the dating scene if i was single.........purely being seen for my economic value.

[ThroughThickAndThin01]

Yanbu.

You don't fancy him, which is a turn off in itself. Because if your past relationship problems this issue will always bug you.

Step back now before you -and he-get involved/hurt.

[ThroughThickAndThin01]

...this issue..... being the job/lower earner one, not the fact you don't fancy him, which makes two problems....

[Apollo440]

I'll relay a conversation I once had with a friend.

"So, you seeing anyone?"

"I thought I was but she dumped me when it came up in conversation that I didn't have a job".

"You did mention that the reason you don't have a job is that you are a multi-millionaire?"

"No.....Do you think that would have helped?"

Just saying.....

[feathermucker]

I think that, if you liked him enough, you wouldn't even be asking the question.

Why not try going on a date and just approach it with no preconceptions.

[quercuscircus]

I think you are picking up on more than just that he is unemployed. He has mentioned the whys and it is ringing alarm bells with you. I'd listen to thse alarm bells.

I think you'd know already if he had an attitude/ outlook that you could trust and respect, and it would overcome any job/ wage factors.

I'd say that you definitely aren't inherently snobbish or materialistic as you wouldn't have even started to date this man. You would have automatically written him off and thought no more of it, not be on here pondering your motives.

I'd move on from this guy and start meeting lots of other people/ men so you can work out what you want and don't want. You've had a difficult relationship already which is draining and upsetting, so I would be looking for someone where it just works.

If you don't get that spark of hope and compatibility from the first meeting, move on - don't start out with the attitude of trying to make it work.

[TheNaze73]

YANBU. I wouldn't date someone who wasn't working.

You don't sound ready to date full stop.

[OutComeTheWolves]

Yanbu- you can refuse to date a guy for whatever reason you want. Or even if you have no reason at all. You don't owe him your time and imo the only reason to date someone is because you really really want to.

[OliviaStabler]

YANBU. Say no to the date and find someone with a job comparable to yours.

[MrsMotherHen]

yanbu although i used to have a set of standards shall we say amd these were had to be in work
non smoker
someone who drives
Then i met someone who smoked wasnt in work at that time and doesnt drive. I feel head over heels in love now 8 years later we are married with two children.
I realised all that crap doesnt matter its the person not the bank balance i fell in love with.

[Gorgosparta]

I wouldnt date him.

I would not want to live with someone who i out earned by a lot. So the relationship wouldnt go anywhere.

I dont want to be financially responsible for anyone other than my kids. I get that peopke get ill or made redundant. That cant be helped and i would be happy to support someone i have been with a while or already lived with or married.

But i would not move in with someone in those circumstances.

[pullingmyhairout1]

I've lost out twice in divorces OP because of my earning potential ffs. I'd never get involved with someone who doesn't work because of it.

[nuttyslackster]

YANBU. From each failed relationship you learn what you do and don't want from the next one. If this is a deal breaker for you that's perfectly valid even if it might not be for others. You don't sound that in to him in any case so it probably won't be something you live to regret.

[swingofthings]

No way would I have dated an unemployed man when I was single after breaking up with my long term partner unless he was a professional highly likely to get another job soon.

I worked really hard to get where I got. Never stopped working FT in demanding jobs, commuting and took only 6 months off when had my two babies. This canned at a cost in terms of compromises so no way would I have wanted to support someone else (bad enough I want getting any maintenance from ex). I also would never have got serious with someone with debts or not managing money responsibly.

We all have our essentials on the list and this was one of the few of mine.

[demirose87]

I am not working and my partner works. Before we met I was dating, but unemployed. I had left work to be with my children full time and my daughter displays challenging behaviour so I cant leave her with anyone else. But a guy I was talking to was unemployed for whatever reason and told me his days were playing xbox games. Told me he would take me for a coffee after he got paid in 2 weeks as he couldn't afford it till then. I found this really unattractive and it did put me off as he just seemed really lazy and not bothered attitude.

[Shoxfordian]

I don't think you sound very compatible with him OP so probably best not to date him

I wouldn't date someone unemployed because we wouldn't have similar lifestyles so it wouldn't work

[BR62Y]

Yanbu. You have a certain requirement, which is fine, I would too.

next...

[AuntieStella]

Well, as you've already discovered he's going to be 'extra macho' then no, you don't sound compatible.

But do have a pause before plunging in in the dating world, to think about what 'extra macho' means in terms of things you find incompatible or downright unacceptable. Because it's not inherently linked to just money issues.

Have a think about what sort of character traits you do value. If the personality is a good fit for you, the rest may slot into place.

[JaneEyre70]

I would be very suspicious of someone who was unemployed. It just makes me think that person is either lazy or very fussy, neither of which are nice qualities. There's no wrong in saying no thanks, I'm just not ready to date yet.

[Lonoxo]

YANBU. You are learning from your past mistakes. After I split with my ex, I wrote down all the characteristics I wanted in a new partner and if I saw any hint of behaviour in my new partner that my ex used to do, I would confront it straightaway (e.g. He didn't like my suggestion, but then a few weeks later a friend would make the same suggestion and it would be the best idea in the world).

Only you know if you are ready to date again. It's fine to have standards and put yourself first. Of course, there are exceptions to the rule. This guy doesn't sound like he is an exception.

[Evelynismyspyname]

You can say no to a date for any reason you want.

There is no rule that says you have to go out with someone unless you have a "good" reason!

If people (of either sex) turn down dates with people who are too fat, not curvy or muscular enough, too short, too tall, it's no more superficial to turn somebody down because your earnings are too different.

You can say no because you don't like his haircut or his taste in clothes, or because his laugh is irritating or because he watches sport on TV and you hate watching sport on TV - lots of reasons are frivolous, but you can say no for any reason you want.

It only makes sense to say yes if you actually really want to go on a date with him! If you don't want to, why on earth would you feel you "owe" anyone a date!

[dontcallmethatyoucunt]

why is he unemployed. How long for, what's he doing about it? Is his career otherwise important to him? What area is he interested in? Is he normally hardworking? Is he a 'modern' man? Can he conduct a decent conversation?

etc etc. I don't think you have enough info! I also think you're agreeing to a date, not an arranged marriage. Unclench , stop overthinking and have a good time, or not.