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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About BF and Ex and going away

55 replies

Mar84 · 25/08/2017 11:46

So am prepared to be flamed but I am angry and prob over reacting.
I go away Monday and a 15 night business trip that's been arranged for months. BF has his kids 50/50 so haven't seen him since Tues and the plan was to spend Sunday together before I go and we have made plans, bought tickets etc. Ex has phoned him and booked tickets to same event so he has agreed to having kids wed-Sun instead of wed-sat so we can't see each other (she won't allow it) before I go away and have to cancel our plans.
I am furious as I understand he needs to see his kids but it's the only day we get and we had plans so don't know why he couldn't just said sorry we have plans so I can't do it!
He thinks I am out of order and I feel that she knows I am going away and I don't want to spend forever being second best to her plans with her boyfriend

OP posts:

MrsOverTheRoad · 25/08/2017 11:47

His kids will always come first. And so they should.

Viviennemary · 25/08/2017 11:48

No he shouldn't have switched his plans and let you down. The arrangements were made. Get rid of this time waster. Why should you put up with this. Sounds like sabotage by the ex to me.

JassyRadlett · 25/08/2017 11:49

He cancelled going to an event to enable his ex-wife to attend the exact same event?

That is really very weird.

Ellisandra · 25/08/2017 11:50

I'd want a bloody good reason for him cancelling Sunday to stop me dumping him.

If there's a good reason (it's actually his night, she didn't realise he had plans and was going to have them instead, etc...) then shit happens - get a babysitter for Sunday night, and go enjoy.

Original poster

Mar84 · 25/08/2017 11:51

No it's not his night to have them he never has them on a Sunday it's purely so she can go out he has them Wed-Sun morning

OP posts:

PinkHeart5911 · 25/08/2017 11:52

Well what was he meant to do?

His a dad, they are his dc and all his done is rightly put his dc above a girlfriend

Your away 15 days it's hardly a lifetime

SeaCabbage · 25/08/2017 11:52

He needs to be able to say no I have plans, to his ex.

Otherwise this sort of thing might always happen and you will never be able to relax and trust that your plans will come off.

Sounds really shit. I feel for you.

HundredMilesAnHour · 25/08/2017 11:55

YANBU. I would be annoyed too. Seems he would rather upset you than upset his ex.

JassyRadlett · 25/08/2017 11:55

His a dad, they are his dc and all his done is rightly put his dc above a girlfriend.

But that makes no sense in the context of the ex'a behaviour.

By the same logic, she's a mum, they are her dc and all she should do is rightly put her DC above an entertainment event in her contact time.

Original poster

Mar84 · 25/08/2017 11:56

That's all I wanted him to say to her but cancelling so she can go out doesn't seem right and I really can't play second fiddle to her forever. He had his kids 50/50 so 3 night one week and 4 the other but is already having them 4 this week instead of 3 so she can go out, she won't even have them one night extra for us to go to a wedding

OP posts:

JuicyStrawberry · 25/08/2017 12:02

You're perfectly entitled to make arrangements on your/his childfree time. Sunday was supposed to be her day to have the kids so she should have arranged something else on her own childfree time. He had every right to say no to having them.

JuicyStrawberry · 25/08/2017 12:03

Just to add, if it was an emergency like a family member being rushed to hospital then that's obviously different.

Original poster

Mar84 · 25/08/2017 12:06

Emergencies, child illness I totally agree are different or they had been away with mum on his time so he hadn't seen them. She won't let me meet them (her choice) despite being together 6 months and them meeting her BF of 2 months.
I have told him I am not happy and the fact her would break our plans so she can go out with her BF when she has Wed-sat night to see him isn't fair and the fact he allows it really says a lot!

OP posts:

LemonBreeland · 25/08/2017 12:09

She can't stop you meeting them. it is up to you bf not his ex.

Viviennemary · 25/08/2017 12:13

I agree with emergency would be good enough to change plans. That's putting your DC's first. Pandering to a selfish ex isn't.

Original poster

Mar84 · 25/08/2017 12:19

Plus he told her 2 days ago I was away for work so she suddenly in those 2 days get tickets I am cancelled

OP posts:

Goingtobeawesome · 25/08/2017 12:22

So what are you going to do about it?

Original poster

Mar84 · 25/08/2017 12:22

I know she can't stop me meeting them if he wishes but we were tying to do it properly as I did see this as long term now am not so sure

OP posts:

Jaxhog · 25/08/2017 12:24

His ex can't dictate who he invites along to be with their kids. She can't stop him introducing their kids to you either! So if he's saying you can't be with his kids, he's made that decision, not her.

He needs to grow some in dealing with his ex. Or you have to accept that he's always going to roll over when his ex snaps her fingers.

Original poster

Mar84 · 25/08/2017 12:24

I don't know!
I love him but a life of her being put first doesn't sit well with me- his kids should always be first and I am happy with that but after 6 months I was hoping I would be before his ex!

OP posts:

Cabininthewoods69 · 25/08/2017 12:27

Hunny i feel for you. I think you may need to have a chat with him and if he doesnt see the problem then its time to start to distance yourself from him. I can see you are fully supportive that kids come first so ignore the responses your get about that.

Ex is being a plonker and selfish its short notice and her behaviour is effecting others. Chin up chuck.

Cabininthewoods69 · 25/08/2017 12:27

Goingtobeawesome · 25/08/2017 12:27

It will only get worse as she gets to enjoy the power she feels she can wield to remind you she had him first and has his child. I'd get out now. Not because he agreed to have his child but because she's a PITA and no man is worth that grief.

TheNaze73 · 25/08/2017 12:30

It's a tough one but, 15 days is hardly the end of the world. If his ex is a game player around him seeing the kids, I can see why he's dancing to her tune. He's in a tough position & it's sad people use children as a bargaining tool.
Maybe after a couple of years, you'll know each other well enough to be introduced to the children.

Wheressummergone · 25/08/2017 12:31

Said in the nicest possible way..your bf needs to grow a pair . I have 50/50 care of my DD, our 4-3-4-3 weeks are completely set (bar in the event of an emergency of course) neither my ex or I would move days to accommodate each other's social life. If an event comes up on my time, I either try & find other childcare or I don't go!.

Is the 50/50 care a court order? Is he concerned that she will pull this if he doesn't agree to what she wants?

Whilst the DC's are in your bf's care he has parental responsibility for them, ex cannot dictate who their DC's spend time with unless the person is deemed a danger to the DC's.

The ex is quite clearly attempting to make it difficult for the two of you to have a relationship (not allowing you to see the children, changing days etc) but ultimately it's up to your BF to sort.

OP I would think very carefully about this if I were you, your life could be made difficult for the long haul if things aren't sorted now.

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