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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About BF and Ex and going away

55 replies

Mar84 · 25/08/2017 11:46

So am prepared to be flamed but I am angry and prob over reacting.
I go away Monday and a 15 night business trip that's been arranged for months. BF has his kids 50/50 so haven't seen him since Tues and the plan was to spend Sunday together before I go and we have made plans, bought tickets etc. Ex has phoned him and booked tickets to same event so he has agreed to having kids wed-Sun instead of wed-sat so we can't see each other (she won't allow it) before I go away and have to cancel our plans.
I am furious as I understand he needs to see his kids but it's the only day we get and we had plans so don't know why he couldn't just said sorry we have plans so I can't do it!
He thinks I am out of order and I feel that she knows I am going away and I don't want to spend forever being second best to her plans with her boyfriend

OP posts:

Ellisandra · 25/08/2017 12:32

I think it's right that you don't meet the kids yet - but it looks like you're heading into stormy waters

But that should be his decision, not hers. A decent person would take their ex's feeling into account on it though.

There's a real problem here.

can you have the kids as an extra on Wed?
sorry no, I have plans. (and if he wants to help - I can ask my mum to babysit at yours? - or whatever)

I would need to understand exactly why the conversation didn't go like that.

Even if you weren't about to go away.

Viviennemary · 25/08/2017 12:33

How long have you been together? That's probably quite important. But even if you haven't been together long cancelling a booked event in these circumstances is totally unacceptable.

temporarilyjerry · 25/08/2017 12:40

He needs to stop telling her your business too. If she didn't know that you were going away, she wouldn't have done this.

Allthebestnamesareused · 25/08/2017 12:40

If he has them 50/50 he can arrange for childcare or a babysitter during the time he has care of them. I am fairly certain it is not written in law that he has to sit in all the time with them the same as parents who are together don't.

He will see the kids Tues-Sunday anyway. Book a sitter so you can go to the event.

Original poster

Mar84 · 25/08/2017 12:41

We have been together 6 months and no it's not a court agreeemment it's a mutual agreement and even though he as them 50/50 he still pays maintence etc so they don't go without. He is a good guy but he 2 arguments we have had have been because of her and I can't do that

OP posts:

caffeinestream · 25/08/2017 12:43

How long have you been together? You realise she has no right to stop you meeting her children, right? What your boyfriend does on his contact time is none of her business (so long as it doesn't endanger her kids).

Why doesn't he stand up to her? Is he scared she'll stop contact?

caffeinestream · 25/08/2017 12:44

X-post. I think six months isn't that long and it's right you haven't met his children yet. I was with my ex about nine months before I had any contact with his children, and even then it was just a trip to the park and Pizza Hut, then he took them home and I made myself scarce.

His children will always come first - if you can't handle that, I suggest you get out now, because it will never change.

Viviennemary · 25/08/2017 12:45

Sounds like he's too nice for his own good. (Not meaning that as a criticism). And good point about not telling her your plans. Right away I wondered if she was deliberately trying to ruin your plans for this booked event. Maybe let it go this once if you're really keen on him but don't be a pushover. Because folk will just take advantage. Hope things work out.

Ceto · 25/08/2017 12:51

If she wouldn't change her arrangements to accommodate you going to a wedding, then there's no reason for your BF to change his arrangements to accommodate her. As for people saying he's putting his children first - how does it benefit them for their mum to have an extra night with her boyfriend? At the very least, he should tell her that if he is having them on Sunday then he gets to choose whether you are there or not.

SandyY2K · 25/08/2017 13:03

It would piss me off to and YANBU.

Honestly... I'd end it, because he's leaving her to have the power and that doesn't sit well with me.

If the rule was no meeting new partners till it's serious or after X months, then fine... But the kids have met her BF of 2 months already.

This will be your life if you stay with him.

Think long and hard if you can deal with it, because it doesn't sound like you can and you shouldn't have to.

Bibidy · 25/08/2017 13:05

You're not unreasonable at all! He should have said no to his ex and told her he was unavailable.

I'd understand if it was an emergency but it's not...why is he giving up his plans so that his ex can continue with hers? (that she shouldn't have made before checking if he could have the kids an extra day anyway).

I'd be angry if I was OP too.

Original poster

Mar84 · 25/08/2017 13:07

Right now I don't think I can I can't be second best to her and lets her dictate everything. He adores his children and I love that about him and I seriously don't care if I am 10th best after them but I won't be after her.
I know 15 days isn't long but in total it's 21 days because he has them all this week and he just cancels me without even talking to me I just get a text. Am tempted to go to even with a friend and let him get on with it and be at her diaposal

OP posts:

MistressDeeCee · 25/08/2017 13:08

I wouldn't like it. You're going away for 2 weeks of course you want to spend day with your man, why wouldn't you?

Yes he's a dad but if thats supposed to mean (according to some posters) that he must be all about the children and nothing else - no man in his position should be in a relationship. Get on with dancing to the ex's tune but don't upset other women about it.

Im happy when men see their children even if they've split with the mother, thats as it should be - but I categorically did not date men with DCs under 18 because I've seen this scenario too many times. and I couldn't be asked to deal with all that. Fairer all round not to get involved in 1st place.

OP this probably isn't the 1st time you've faced this scenario. If you're staying with him then its a case of put up and shut up for next few years really.. Live your life - after all, his ex is..... no doubt she'll be having extra time with her boyfriend whilst you aren't with yours as he is with their children. If you're leaving well then, be sure not to get caught up in similar situation again

Bibidy · 25/08/2017 13:09

Do it Mar84.

He should never have agreed to this, and he should value his time with you as well.

Wheressummergone · 25/08/2017 13:10

But the ex can introduce the DC's to HER bf after 2 months?? But 6 months is too soon for the OP?

Reeks of double standards & pettiness. You lose all moral high ground if you say you don't want your children to be introduce to new girlfriend too early then introduce your own bf after 2 months

It's obvious that he is putting he's Dc's first, he has them 50% of the time & pays maintenance even though legally if it's a definite 50/50 he doesn't have to (good for him!!).

What's also obvious is that his ex wants him to bend over backwards to change days to accommodate her time with bf.

HoHoHoHo · 25/08/2017 13:11

I don't think his ex was unreasonable to ask him but he should have said no as this isn't an emergency. This isn't about putting his children first its about having respect for you.

2rebecca · 25/08/2017 13:14

Him cancelling an event he has tickets to on a night his ex normally has the kids so she can go to the same event sounds bizarre.
Most blokes would have just said "no i have plans". Is he afraid she will stop him seeing the kids?
I disagree that 6 months is too soon to meet the kids. They could meet you as dad's friend. It should be up to him anyway, she shouldn't be involved in what he does with the kids as he had no say in her boyfriend meeting the kids.
It sounds as though he is afraid any boat rocking may impair access. This can continue for years, her double standard re the kids meeting her boyfriend doesn't seem to have affected his attitude.

caffeinestream · 25/08/2017 13:15

Good for you, OP. Playing second fiddle to an ex is never fun, and it doesn't have to be that way.

Yes, children have to come first but that doesn't mean doing anything your ex says, and going along with what she wants all the time. It is hard to strike that balance in a new relationship but cancelling on you by text without having a discussion is just rude. Of course his kids are his priority but that doesn't mean he gets to be rude to other people.

MadeForThis · 25/08/2017 13:16

He seems scared of her.

He has 50/50 care so it's not like he is going weeks without seeing the kids.

Kids should always come first but in his instance he is putting his ex first.

But he has made his decision. You need to make yours. Can you continue to live like this?

2rebecca · 25/08/2017 13:17

Why would you not go to the event with a friend? if you're not seeing your boyfriend and have tickets then you shouldn't have to change your plans just because he has chosen to change his.
He needs to stop telling his ex your business and his plans.

OutToGetYou · 25/08/2017 13:20

Sounds like when my relationship with now ex started, his ex was the same and he constantly dumped me to jump to her tune. Same re just texting, no proper discussion. I was considered unreasonable if I wanted to know before he agreed, etc.

I really should have left him sooner, it got worse and worse, from both of them. Once we'd moved in together I was just a babysitter, taken advantage of by both of them.

It's not worth it.

Ellisandra · 25/08/2017 13:23

I was going to ask exactly what he says to you, but just seen your update!

Honestly, is dump him now.

You're going to go 3 weeks without seeing each other.
You had plans that he cancelled for no good reason.
And he told you about that by text. No discussion.

Go to the event with a friend. As a single woman with her eye out for someone new!

Original poster

Mar84 · 25/08/2017 13:28

Thanks everyone.
What a shitty day and the honest answer is I spent years with an ex being nothing that I can't do it again for anyone especially his ex and the fact he can't see it makes it worse. Think it may be time to dust my self off and be on my own for a good while as being made to feel like this isn't fair

OP posts:

snarks · 25/08/2017 13:30

His ex sounds like a nightmare and if he continues to let her get away with bs like this then she will only get worse. And the fact he told you by text is awful too.
Dump him by text and go to the event with a friend instead!

swingofthings · 25/08/2017 13:33

What's his argument to justify that you're out of order? Could it be there's more to it than her just booking the tickets herself at the last minute and demanding he has them?

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