To worry about loving DC #2 when DS was like winning the Baby Lottery?

[WombOfOnesOwn]

I'm 12 weeks pregnant with my second child. I know it's very common for second-time-pregnant mothers to worry that they won't have enough love to go around for a second baby.

And I know they all end up loving the new baby, and their heart expands.

But what if I'm the exception?!

Here's the problem -- my DS (18 months) is and has always been the kind of baby and toddler other parents call a "trick baby" because he's so perfect. He has never in his life cried for more than 20 minutes at a time, in spite of having terrible reflux until he was 8 months old. He slept 7-7 at 11 weeks old. He smiled and laughed endlessly from the moment he knew how, and is never in a bad mood.

He loves other children, plays nicely with them, is gentle to our cats, very bright (he knows all his colors and shapes, counts to 10, can identify most letters visually) and completely boundless curiosity. Loves books and going outside, happily sits at a restaurant for hours, eats nearly anything, has never been ill, loves going new places even if it disrupts his routine.

Now, I look at that whole package and I realize I am incredibly lucky to have a son who was like the "easy mode" for parenting. But I don't think lightning will strike twice! Other parents are forever telling me, "oh, just watch out for the next one, karma will come back for you!"

It's making me feel anxious during my pregnancy. My husband and I were totally prepared for DS to have had any number of issues with sleep, food, playing, routines, and so on -- we'd heard so many stories from so many parents. But he was so easy that I worry we're spoilt and will be in for a shock and a half.

How do I make sure that I don't let comparison be the thief of joy? Can some parents talk to me about their "perfect first born" and a less-"perfect" #2 baby and how it all worked out? I want strategies for making sure baby #2 gets every bit as much love as DS, even if he or she is a bottle refuser or a bad sleeper or cries all the time.

I think you are right to be aware of the issue. I know someone who was like this, and her dc2 was very, very tricky. It was a huge issue and something they are still working though 10 years later.

Well, if this helps, I didn't have perfect baby no1, and then trouble number 2, I had perfect baby no 1, then perfect baby no 2.
I felt exactly the same as you did, and actually dd2 is the apple of my eye now.

Ugh! This is exactly what's putting me off a second DC. DS is so easy and gorgeous. Sleeps well, never sicky, no colic, did everything on time or early. Second DC will no doubt be a disaster

My DC2 was in many ways far more challenging from day one than DC1 and believe me I love them both equally. Arguably DC2 gets more attention because she seeks it in a way DC1 never has. They are both happy, successful at school and much loved by the whole family. They also love each other more than anything which is lovely and DC1 is the first to defend his sister when she is in any kind of trouble. We know that they each have their strengths and can learn from each other. You describe a 'perfect' DC1 but in reality he isn't, there are things he will struggle with in life you may just not have found them yet.

Please don't worry, whatever personality your DC2 has will be their unique personality and you will love and be proud of them. As for not comparing them, just don't!

But your love for your DS doesn't come from his behaviour - that's an added bonus. My DS1 was as you describe as a baby and toddler, DS2 is difficult, everything is a battle. I do often compare the 2 but it doesn't impact on how I feel - it's hard to explain and I didn't understand how this was possible before I had DS2, but I love them equally. Oh, and DS1 is now one of those kids you wouldn't want to take anywhere (sibling rivalry I think!).

Honestly, you have nothing to worry about.

Omg I felt exactly the same as you when I was expecting DS. After already having a DD and there being a 7 year age gap, I was so worried , that I'd given all my love to her and how could I possibly feel that way about someone else? But same overwhelming feeling of Love when he was Born,
I found this poem when I also was asking myself the same exact question as you; made me cry everytime I read it but here goes...

I walk along holding your hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: how could I ever love another child as I love you?

Then he is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as youve never shared me before.

I hear you telling me in your own way, Please love only me. And I hear myself telling you in mine, I cant, knowing, in fact, that I never can again.

You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again.

But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. Im afraid to let you see me enjoying her as though I am betraying you.

But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.

More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast.

But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two. There are new times only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other.

I watch how she adores you as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of her new accomplishments. And I begin to realize that I havent taken something from you, Ive given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you. I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you only differently.

And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know youll never share my love. There is enough of that for both of you .you each have your own supply.

I love you-both. And I thank you both for blessing my life.

Author Unknown

Goodluck with everything

DS1 was a dream baby. I never fully admitted in baby groups just how well he slept, how little he cried, lack of significant puking/poonamis etc as I didn't think anyone would believe me!

Was fully prepared for DS2 to be mega high maintenance Velcro baby.

DS2 makes DS1 seem high maintenance he is so easy!

So hold out hope, two easy babies are possible!

Yes -- this one was accidental, though we always thought we'd have another when DS was 4 or 5.

I'd hoped that by waiting so long, maybe he'd have at least developed some bad habits, gone through very difficult stages, and so on. Plus it'd make it so I might not remember DS being 6 weeks old, sleeping soundly, and DH and I looked at each other and simultaneously said: "This is so much easier than I thought it would be." Not exactly the kind of conversation my other new-parent friends were having at the time, and we knew at the time it was a matter of pure luck.

Now I'm certainly going to hope that my luck is like yours, areanyleftatall! Wouldn't that just be something...

No matter whether DC2 is an angel or a terror you're going to fall in love with them regardless. Just relax and enjoy your pregnancy. It'll all be fine eventually, even if it's not the easy experience of DS1.

I am the first to moan about how difficult two of my dc are were. But the thing is, I love them just as much as the really easy child I had in between them. You just love them, however and in spite of what they put you through sleep/temper tantrum wise. They are still fabulous and amazing and wonderful even when they have kept you awake all night.

You do get bonus points for not ascribing all your baby's good points to your excellent parenting! For that alone you deserve another easy baby.

I only have one dd and she was in the nightmare 'high needs baby' category. I look back and dot know how I survived It hasn't put me off wanting another though. You're wasting energy worrying about what your child might be like. Just wait and see, you'll love them and look after them just fine. Try and enjoy the pregnancy and not worry about the future; it's not like you can change it.

Dd slept through at 3 months, ate anything, crawled early, walked early, talked early, super bright etc etc
Ds slept through 9 months. Cried a lot, struggled to feed, Never crawled, walked late, talked quite late, only eats plain pasta, fish fingers, malt loaf and weetabix. He's so goddam cute and funny though and I love every little bone of him as much as her even though he's a million times more of a mission to raise at the moment!
You will love your second dc even if he or she is a bit harder to handle, you just will. Don't fret and don't except him or her to be the same

You'll love them both but I know many parents who had a 'perfect' PFB and then nightmare second. I'm sticking with one,
.

But would you not have loved him as much if he didn't sleep or was grumpy?

Dc1 was a terrible sleeper as in he didn't unless on me. He was the fussiest eater ever. I still loved him and worried just like you are now! As it turns out dd was like your ds until about 2 when she unleashed her true self.

Chill.

I worried about this with DC2 & then DC3. The answer is that you love them regardless, for who they are. In the same way that you probably couldn't have imagined how much love you would feel for your DS before you had him...well the same thing will happen all over again.

humblebrag.com/lookhowamazingmyDCis

Raises hand

Perfect first born, 2nd is a terror! Less than 18 months between them. DC1 was ridiculously bright and articulate from a stupidly early age, whereas at 20months DC2 can yell "NO!" "Peppa!" and "teddy!" but little else. I watch videos of DC1 at the same age and its ridiculous how different they are. DC2 has a real temper, the shortest fuse I have ever seen in a child, and definitely one of those kids who throw themselves on the floor screaming in the middle of a supermarket. Whilst DC1 watches angelically and strokes his head saying "it's ok, shhhhh, it's ok".

HOWEVERRRR God I love DC2. He's amazing. Hilarious, a real character. Genuinely wouldn't change a single thing about him. Having him was the best decision we ever made and even with the sleepless nights and how hard work he is, I utterly adore him.

Even if your second baby sleeps badly ..you will cope and get through it just like you would have if dc1 had been. Why worry? Most babies dont sleep well during the first months. It wont kill you ! You can just think how lucky you are to go through it once not twice.and really who gives a shit about a toddler counting to 10?? Are you seriously suggesting that makes a child more loveable?!

You love your dc1 becAuse he is yours. That is why you will also love dc2

Don't worry, as a pp said one doesn't love one'ss DC because of their behaviour. My DC1 couldn't have mean more amenable nor DC2 more of a pain as a baby/toddler. I love them equally( and DC3 ) and of course don't forget that a 'good ' baby does not guarantee a 'goid'teenager

Ah. Same age gap as you will have
Dd1 was perfect at 18 months. By 2.5 she had an opinion on everything which she expressed constantly and i ruined her life by having a baby!
Good luck.

Well that poem made me cry scholeah, I'm due my second in Feb and I'm sobbing! I've been feeling guilty about my DS, and that tipped me over the edge!
The thing that stood out for me in your post Op is the fact you say your child has NEVER been ill?!

Hmm. I had this. Perfect DD1, slept, ate etc. She was my little mate, we had such good times together. DD2 is not so easy but not by any stretch of the imagination difficult at the moment (she's only 17 weeks). But the arrival of her sister as turned 6 year old DD1 into a holy terror But I adore both of them equally and wouldn't be without them. And they wouldn't be without each other either. Good luck!

Yup we had this with DC2. My first was so easy (in hindsight) however, DC2 is incredible. He astounds me in other ways. And even though he still doesn't sleep at almost 2, and it's certainly added to life pressures, I wouldn't have it any other way. But no more. Definitely no more! Kids (plural) are hard 🙈

I reallly worried about this! I was blessed with the most perfect dd. At nearly 3 she is smart, has always slept, is polite, trustworthy and just amazing!
I knew it wouldn't happen twice and I was correct
My ds was born and whilst the fear of lacking love completely disappeared (he is just so damn gorgeous I am always getting bad cute aggression!), however he came into the world with terrible colic, wanting attention every second of every day, screamed for the first 15 weeks of his life, and I could have honestly happily swapped him and told people I wish I had been '1 and done'. Now the colic etc has disappeared and we still don't sleep all night, he is the absolute love of my life in a completely different way to my dd, and best of all they adore each other!!
Oh and my once perfect daughter enjoys answering back now... depending on the day I deffo have a secret favourite!

You're my MIL 30 years early. He will be an arse at some point in his life. Please don't put the 'perfect' tag on him it will affect his life and relationships. And yes you should be aware even at this young age.