To worry about loving DC #2 when DS was like winning the Baby Lottery?

[WombOfOnesOwn]

I'm 12 weeks pregnant with my second child. I know it's very common for second-time-pregnant mothers to worry that they won't have enough love to go around for a second baby.

And I know they all end up loving the new baby, and their heart expands.

But what if I'm the exception?!

Here's the problem -- my DS (18 months) is and has always been the kind of baby and toddler other parents call a "trick baby" because he's so perfect. He has never in his life cried for more than 20 minutes at a time, in spite of having terrible reflux until he was 8 months old. He slept 7-7 at 11 weeks old. He smiled and laughed endlessly from the moment he knew how, and is never in a bad mood.

He loves other children, plays nicely with them, is gentle to our cats, very bright (he knows all his colors and shapes, counts to 10, can identify most letters visually) and completely boundless curiosity. Loves books and going outside, happily sits at a restaurant for hours, eats nearly anything, has never been ill, loves going new places even if it disrupts his routine.

Now, I look at that whole package and I realize I am incredibly lucky to have a son who was like the "easy mode" for parenting. But I don't think lightning will strike twice! Other parents are forever telling me, "oh, just watch out for the next one, karma will come back for you!"

It's making me feel anxious during my pregnancy. My husband and I were totally prepared for DS to have had any number of issues with sleep, food, playing, routines, and so on -- we'd heard so many stories from so many parents. But he was so easy that I worry we're spoilt and will be in for a shock and a half.

How do I make sure that I don't let comparison be the thief of joy? Can some parents talk to me about their "perfect first born" and a less-"perfect" #2 baby and how it all worked out? I want strategies for making sure baby #2 gets every bit as much love as DS, even if he or she is a bottle refuser or a bad sleeper or cries all the time.

No point stressing, you'll love them regardless. In fact, my nightmare baby number 2 (who nearly made my childminder quit he was that bad!) is now amazing at almost 2 and my love for him is so fierce because he put me through hell I love my eldest but he has always been so good he just blends in. Variety is the spice of life

I think it's easier for first DC to meet all their milestones etc because you can concentrate on bringing them along. With a second and subsequent baby you haven't got so much time to spend on them exclusively. It's a juggling act. Fortunately DS1 regarded looking after his younger siblings as a fun thing that we did together. (Then they got older and developed their own opinions and he bullied them unmercifully, but that's a different story.) It gave DS1 good practice for when he had his own.

One of mine was very like yours, not the first though. One of mine was the nightmare child, well two were difficult babies but one carried it on for about 15 years. The thing is the most difficult one of them all is the easiest adult, calm, successful, supportive and I know I can rely on him. The one who was the difficult baby is probably 2nd easiest adult and the easy baby the total joy, well that went on for a few years, but eventually I have to say is the most worrying as an adult. Very successful but emotionally needy and quite draining at times.

You love them no matter what, I wouldn't change any of them and now I can enjoy happy memories of them all at their best and laugh at their worst.

Relax by the time baby comes your "angel" might be in the terrible twos and you might have an easy baby or you might be challenged for the next 15 years by someone you love very much and it will all be worth it.

My eldest was as you describe. My second DD was (and still is at 3) a absolute nightmare. She literally has me on my knees some days. It’s a complete shock to the system and I would be a liar if I said I didn’t resent it (albeit very briefly)

I do however love her very much and equally as much as her more well behaved older sister. I can’t say it won’t be a challenge or that it will always be as enjoyable but you will love them regardless.

You never know you might get really lucky and have another perfectly behaved baby. But I do understand its very difficult to adapt to another side of parenting

My first DS has been an awful sleeper and I'm now pg with my second. I'm obviously hoping that this time I get a good sleeper. However a weird part of me is worried that if I do I won't love it/ bond with it as much as I did with DS1. As hard as all those nights were (and still sometimes are) they included hours and hours of time just me and him, rocking, feeding, co sleeping, him sleeping on me... It was so hard but also I was so close to him and I find it hard to imagine recreating that with a baby who sleeps 7-7. (Ps. I know I'm crazy and I really do want a good sleeper! But just saying you'll love them regardless of their particular issues)

Apart from the odd sleep issue when teething, both mine have been great. Try not to dwell on it, self fulfilling prophecy and all that..! Good luck

You need to mentally separate the concept of not loving them as much, and the concept of it being harder work.

You will love them regardless, but realistically it's going to be harder with 2 anyway, as you're caring for 2 children at different stages, and then if you factor in a difficult baby then that obviously adds to the workload.

I had a very easy dc1 and tbh the loveliest thing was that our lives could carry on pretty much as before but with the added bonus of a lovely baby. If we weren't able to book a babysitter, we used to bung the travel cot in the car when going to friends for dinner and we'd put her to bed upstairs... our friends would be amazed that she would just happily be put to bed in an unfamiliar environment - no having to sit with her etc

I was back at work 3 days a week when she was 12 weeks old, no fuss settling with the childminder.

So going to dc2 was challenging, as even though she wasn't a particularly difficult baby she wasn't quite as easy going or portable, and inevitably our lives changed. However you just love them regardless of that

This thread has really been full of wonderful advice. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the words of wisdom from people who have been there before.

I had a perfect first born and a damn near perfect second born. My accidental third though....

You know what though, once the perfect two stopped being babies they become really really hard work so I'm hoping The Destroyer of Worlds sat next to me is going to be angelic once she gets to school :)

DS was perfect. He slept through at six weeks, FFS. DD was different from the first breath she took: immediate ear-splitting screaming for two sodding hours, disturbing half the MLU when she should have been having snuggles and her first feed.

The thing is though, you don't love them because they're well behaved little robots. You love them because they're your own little scraps of flesh and blood, with all their quurks. And when you have another child, you don't have to share the love between them; the love just grows until it's big enough for the whole family to live inside it.

The key is realising it isn't entirely down to your parenting that made dc1 so awesome. Because if you think that, and dc2 is hard work, you'll blame the defective child who isn't responding to your tried and tested methods