To worry about loving DC #2 when DS was like winning the Baby Lottery?

[WombOfOnesOwn]

I'm 12 weeks pregnant with my second child. I know it's very common for second-time-pregnant mothers to worry that they won't have enough love to go around for a second baby.

And I know they all end up loving the new baby, and their heart expands.

But what if I'm the exception?!

Here's the problem -- my DS (18 months) is and has always been the kind of baby and toddler other parents call a "trick baby" because he's so perfect. He has never in his life cried for more than 20 minutes at a time, in spite of having terrible reflux until he was 8 months old. He slept 7-7 at 11 weeks old. He smiled and laughed endlessly from the moment he knew how, and is never in a bad mood.

He loves other children, plays nicely with them, is gentle to our cats, very bright (he knows all his colors and shapes, counts to 10, can identify most letters visually) and completely boundless curiosity. Loves books and going outside, happily sits at a restaurant for hours, eats nearly anything, has never been ill, loves going new places even if it disrupts his routine.

Now, I look at that whole package and I realize I am incredibly lucky to have a son who was like the "easy mode" for parenting. But I don't think lightning will strike twice! Other parents are forever telling me, "oh, just watch out for the next one, karma will come back for you!"

It's making me feel anxious during my pregnancy. My husband and I were totally prepared for DS to have had any number of issues with sleep, food, playing, routines, and so on -- we'd heard so many stories from so many parents. But he was so easy that I worry we're spoilt and will be in for a shock and a half.

How do I make sure that I don't let comparison be the thief of joy? Can some parents talk to me about their "perfect first born" and a less-"perfect" #2 baby and how it all worked out? I want strategies for making sure baby #2 gets every bit as much love as DS, even if he or she is a bottle refuser or a bad sleeper or cries all the time.

I am the firstborn. I cried constantly for maybe the first 4 months, hardly took bottles and didn't sleep well at all. Everyone told my mum I was going to be a terror as I got older. Aged around 5 months, I completely changed, hardly ever cried, ate everything when weaning, walked on time, talked on time, was an incredibly well behaved child, never in trouble at school, did all my homework, never really had to be asked to do anything as it would already be done, sociable, loads of friends, kind, well mannered etc. I never moaned, did what I was told, could be taken anywhere.

My sister was born 12 years later. Angel baby, never cried, slept well, ate well etc. Everyone says she'd be a diamond and my mum was very lucky to have two well behaved daughters. She got to 18 months and completely changed. Screamed when getting dressed, fussy eater, delayed walking/talking, when she could talk, she never ever stopped, never slept and she's been like this ever since. She does have ASD, sensory processing problems and DCD, which explains some of it, but we didn't know this until this year.

Parents love us both the same. Yes, she has more attention than I had as a child as she needs it. We have the same upbringing and honestly, I love my sister to bits. I do a lot for her. She is literally my reason for living and I would never be without her. Both of our parents feel the same. She's a handful, don't get me wrong, but we all love her just as she is. She has struggles, but she's a cracking little character, with a great personality and fantastic sense of humour (which she gets from me )

My friend has two well behaved kids, both very similar, small age gap, they both slept and ate well, well mannered, don't misbehave, she could leave either child with anyone and knew they'd behave etc.

You just never know! Your baby will be wonderful to you and your family regardless!

How about you see it that you are great parents and your next baby may be the same ?

I felt like this too. My first baby hardly cried, was really bright, shared well etc. I though the second could never be as good. But it turned out the second is even more incredible! Like the first but more physically able, attractive and charismatic (disclaimer- is also around 20months old which is probably the best age, ask me in a years time and I'll probably say DC2 is a tantrum- monster)!

The saddest bit is that DC1 lost out a bit in terms of attention and gettting to do stuff. The nicest bit is when they play together, especially when the older one tries to teach the younger one or when the younger one says "let's do < whatever >" and they do.

OP- Have you seen the Channel4 programme the secret life of brothers and sisters? You can still get it on catch up. You might find it interesting to watch the first programme because a lot of the kids on it have younger sisters with about a 2 year age gap. The programme also talks a lot about the benefits of siblings.

My dad felt this way when my parents were expecting me, but he described it like this:

You don't have to split the cake between 2, you just get another cake. One for each.

Does that make sense?

And I was a little shit compared to my content older sister.

Honestly? I will be the first person to say I was damn terrified of having DD after DS, he was a very challenging baby and can be challenging now at 3.5
I was terrified of having DD and her being the same, but now we joke that DD sleeps better than DS most nights, it does get easier, think I got to about 8 months before I thought 'fuck it, I got this shit, I can do it' lol

It doesn't matter what the second one is like, you love them just as much.
My first was almost as perfect as yours. My second had some serious health problems and was literally ten times the work of the first.Do you think I love him any less?

I can't understand why anyone has more than one child with these concerns.

Some of the posts on this thread make me feel pretty uncomfortable. I can totally understand that people feel understandably grateful to have a child that sleeps through the night or is easy to feed etc. but some seem to be suggesting that a 'dream baby' is one that is super bright/reaching all their milestones really early. What the Hell has that got to do with anything?? I don't see how that should make children any easier to parent or any more lovable??? It's like you're suggesting children who are just average, or God forbid delayed/disordered in their development, aren't as 'good' or will be harder for you to love?

I have 3 the youngest 14 weeks old. All have been awesome babies, no crying all smiles, placid and slept through from 5 weeks. Oldest two now have totally different personalities and I assume number 3 will too. How they are as babies isn't necessarily how they'll be when they are older. And it's true that you'll love them regardless. (Oldest two still sleep well btw)!

My DD was a very easy baby. Napped for hours during the day, slept well at night and never inconsolable.
My DS arrived in May, 7 years after his sister. He is a preemie born at 31 weeks and these last 4 months have been the most stressful and intense of my life. He's a much more clingy baby than my DD was and more demanding but oh my goodness do I love that boy. I couldn't have ever imagined loving another child like I love my daughter but he has firmly lodged himself into my heart. We have settled into a bit of a routine now and things are a bit easier. Now he's started to gain weight properly, he's settling into being a very happy, smiley little thing. Far more so than my DD was. And as long as I remember that he needs me in his eyeline every time he's awake, we bumble along quite nicely

dh and I joke that we'd have never had a second baby if dd had come first as he was very straightforward and she was difficult when they were both little. Some of that is personality (ds more independent and self centred, dd more needy and outwardly orientated), some is to do with the people dh and I are, and some just circumstances (with a 16mth gap we had less to spare for the two of them than when we just had ds). One thing to bear in mind is that the traits which make a baby more tricky can also make toddlerdom, primary age, preteen, teen and adult more challenging or easier too. It's probably helpful once that starts to happen, as you don't really want to label children as difficult or easy, challenging or perfect.

I don't really remember wanting dd to be more like ds when she was small, I just wished she didn't need to be held and jiggled all the time, and that she found sleep easier. I do sometimes thing that was about them now they are teenagers, as dd is more sociable and more helpful where ds is still a self centred bugger Love them both enormously regardless/because of everything.

Op, remember your ds is just 18 months- the terrible twos are still to come! They'll come in time for dc2, but the tantrums, fussiness, tears and frustration would come anyway. It's a normal stage and won't make him less loveable. Less likeable at times, maybe! Putting children on pedestals can be dangerous for everyone.
You do also need to think about how perfect doesn't equal loveable.
But, you'll love your children equally.

Mine were the other way around! Dc1 very bright, very demanding, very tricky and I can't believe how easy dc2 has been, he's practically brought himself up.

It's pretty easy to be perfect at 18 months. As your older grows you'll realise that, however wonderful they are, they are not perfect - they are a little person with strengths and weaknesses, their virtues and failings, just like the rest of us.

If your second is hard work, you will come to realise this too.

I had an 'easy' first baby. Slept well, ate well, loved his little routine. I would go quiet at toddler group when the other parents were talking about how tired they were due to their non sleeping children.
He had his first fever at just past 1 year old. It lasted one afternoon. I have to admit to being concerned at this point, every other new parent I knew had had a trip to A&E with a baby with a high temperature.
Nope, not us. I remember thinking similar to the op that things were really rather easy and wondering why!
Then we had ds2. Arrived at 36 weeks by emcs, cried solidly unless being held, didn't sleep, refused bottles so I had no break.
Meanwhile ds1 turned three and gave us hell. Total threenager.
I look back at the first year of ds2's life as a time where we just had to endure hell. No sleep, constant stress and I was still suffering with the mental after effects of ds2's birth.
Wouldn't change him for the world. He's three now and utterly lovely. I actually miss co sleeping! My eldest is now 6 and loves his brother.
Sometimes I think I love ds2 all the more for being so difficult.
It's impossible to predict how baby no 2 will be. You just have to roll along with it.

18 months is very early on to assign the "perfect" label!

My friend had 2 very very good babies, both of whom went on to be wilful and very very full on children. Nothing wrong with that but they are both really hard work and she often jokes about how "good" they were as babies.

My own (only) was quite hard work - hated milk from the get go - but is now "perfect"....

Fair play to you for thinking about this in advance.

Let's say you do get a more 'difficult' baby next time. You will love them, of course, but you might find yourself thinking you don't love parenting them as much as DS1. Try to remember it's not about them being 'difficult' in the sense of their personality being more unreasonable - they may just need more from you at that stage. If you can see it as needs, not demands, you'll be able to feel compassionate towards them, not picked on.

Honestly I think the whole Baby Whisperer 'angel baby' 'grumpy baby' bullshit typology has so much to answer for. Ditch the labels and go with the flow.

DS1 was a dream baby, so as others have said, I was ready for some challenges with DS2.
Instead, from the start and now at 7 months he is a complete angel and even happier and content than DS1 was. I'm very lucky.

Difficult babies are also easy to love.

DD1 - easy - love her more than anything.

DD2 - not easy - love her more than anything.

DD2 has many developmental & health issues which we were not prepared for but we certainly don't love her less for not being 'perfect'. Yes, she is more difficult, causes us more stress, worry & sleepless night but we don't love her any less!

I'm another who had a very placid dd1, even the hospital staff commented on how she didn't cry and was very contented at 24 hours old, she slept from feed to feed and I barely saw her awake and didn't hear her cry properly until about 12 months old.
I used to think other parents were just mourners because this parenting lark was easy..

I then fell pregnant with dd2 and like the op was terrified I couldn't love her like dd1.

From day 1 she was different, she was born pissed off and had awful colic for 4 months, she would often scream for 16 hours a day and this was on top of us having major house renovations, I was convinced I'd made a mistake but then her colic stopped and I got to know her and although I loved her from day 1 I do think I grew to love her more.
She's a totally different character to dd1 but that's not a bad thing, she's incredibly funny and knows it, so affectionate and honest, she's amazing.
I do love them differently but the amount of love is the same.

*moaners not mourners

You will love them just the same. But you're being sensible in being realistic about things. If you have a dream first baby then you'll need to adjust if no 2 is trickier... things like meals, travel, days out, nights in, are in danger of becoming less enjoyable if you get a baby who doesn't cope well with changes to routine.

I think the thing to do is just be very conscious of this so that you and your dh don't get disheartened, and you accept that this is just part and parcel of parenting.

Of course you could have dream baby 2 but it's probably wise to prepare for not having such a smooth ride.

Don't worry about the emotional side though because you'll love them just as much

DS1 didnt sleep but was a very easy pregnancy, easy going baby that generally ate anything. Very socialable and easy going
DS2 - sick in pregnancy, has kidney and bladder issues doesnt sleep well even now at 5, has language impairment, sensory issues and very clingy.

I love both of them equally. They are both a blessing

My number 2 is a little sod! (Still doesn't sleep at 2.5, screams all the time, runs away etc)
But I love him so so so much, so much so I'm having a 3rd! (Though I'm hoping number 3 is a little more like number 1)
I will love it what ever. You just do.

You'll have enough love but won't be able to give the same amount of time to DC2.
DC1 could quite possibly be your favourite.
It's quite common and natural. Don't worry.