Dh, going out on my birthday

[ThereIsTooMuchConfusion]

Dh goes out every Thursday to sport in a pub type thing. Today is my birthday. He has been at work until 6. He asked if it's still ok to go out, I said I don't mind, he left at 1930 so seen him for an hour an a half. We have no other plans for my birthday and had no plans for tonight.

After he left and I looked at all the shit that needs clearing up after dinner and general day with kids and had to bath put kids to bed. I feel a bit upset that he still went out. But then I guess I am being unreasonable because he did ask me if it was ok. But I feel like it's lame to ask him to stay home.

We have been together 17 years so I guess it's not that big a deal it's just another birthday. Kids are currently fighting up stairs about nonsense when they should be asleep and I'm irritatingly feeling sorry for myself!! Which I really fucking hate. I need mumsnetters to pull me together, please??

Going to sort kids out them back in their own rooms etc

Oh lovely! I'm slightly torn as you did say it was okay for him to go out. Is there any chance of you getting a babysitter and going out Saturday night instead? Happy Birthday

happy birthday

He asked! You should have said yes.

More so you should have discussed it in advance. "it's my birthday next Thursday" let's get a babysitter/go out/get a takeaway etc.

If you don't ask, you don't get.

You get what you settle for, stop settling. When he gets home discuss what you'd like to do on Saturday to celebrate your birthday.

Oh, Happy Birthday!

I had this problem with ex, I was always the lovely wife who never said no, never curtailed his freedom and that's not fair. Only in retrospect did I realise that was not given back in consideration of me.

He shouldn't have asked. He shouldn't have put you in a position where you would be "mean" by saying no. You have a right to be upset and annoyed.

Happy birthday OP.

Why no other plans? Assuming babysittter isn't an option-Can you take the dc and dh for a nice meal on Saturday/ Sunday?

He shouldn't have asked tbf. In asking he's basically telling you he would prefer to go rather than stay with you.

When it's his birthday what do you do/organise? I'm currently struggling with my own birthday disappointment (but my mum and son were shite~no partner to let me down) and I do wonder if part of the problem is that I do too much to make other people have a special day. Therefore my non event birthdays seem so rubbish in comparison?

guess you should have spelt it out OP. Men are a bit dense at picking up the signs. Maybe go out on the weekend? And maybe say next time I want us to celebrate Actually ON my birthday.

Is he not doing anything?

Busy day/routine today is understandable. but no cake, no plans, no effort is not...

That's really crap and I would not be happy either!

Did he acknowledge your birthday at all? Card/present?

My DH wouldn't ask. He would want to be with me on my birthday.
I'm sorry your partner is less thoughtful.

Happy birthday!

He asked a direct question. He isn't going to know what you are thinking if you don't tell him.

Oh yes sorry he has given present I asked for this morning before he left this morning. I asked what he wanted for dinner he said it was up to me so we ordered in Mexican and then he left so I guess that's not nothing I guess I'm wallowing a little bit. I am also due on and tend to get emotional and irrational about stuff at this time of month!

I think you're entitled to feel a bit miffed. Normally i agree with the whole "you don't ask you don't get" thing but surely it's a given that birthdays are not just another day of the week and a bit of extra effort is required. It doesn't have to be a big fancy all bells and whistles birthday extravaganza but wouldn't it have felt so lovely if he'd simply said "by the way I know it's your birthday today so I've told the boys I'll be skipping X this week and thought we could just have a nice dinner at home and a glass of wine instead, maybe watch a film/episode of your choice if there's time". Such a small thing but it would have made you feel much more special than putting you on the spot like that. As others have said, he really shouldn't have asked. I say this as the wife of someone who quite often asks if he "can" do things which I detest because a) I am not his keeper and he doesn't need to ask permission and b) It just makes me look like the most unreasonable person ever if I say I'd rather he didn't.

It doesn't warrant a big argument but I think a gentle "I know I said i didn't mind but actually I felt a bit sad that you went out on my birthday when you knew i didn't have other plans and left me doing the washing up". I think a trip out somewhere nice at the weekend to make up for it and his word that you'll do something together next year would be in order.

Happy Birthday,
Well done on being married that long.
Men really are simple creatures, if they say can I and you say yes they don't look any further.
I think the date idea is a great one.

My dh used to pull shit like this ( he once went out for a drink without me on my birthday as I was putting DC to bed- came down and he was gone. His reasoning? I " seemed tired" ) .
In fact my old nickname harked back to years ago when I joined the site and he had said to fil and smil that a 40th birthday wasn't a big birthday, totally forgetting it seems the fact that for his40 th( pre DC) I had hired a car, booked a hotel and got tickets for his fave band AND organized a BBQ for his friends/ family on our return. His plan for mine was , wait for it.........a takeaway for tea. That was it. Dsmil tore him a new one, the riot act was read. I wish I had involved her years ago ! Get him told op.

You are allowed to be miffed and emotional you just need to plan better next time OP.

Although I'm firmly if the view that a bit of strategic advanced planning would resolve most of the threads on MN.

Nip this in the bud before it sets a precedent. When he gets home tell him you would still like to go out for your birthday this weekend so pls can you book something.

Sorry OP but he is behaving like a pig.

He shouldn't have asked if it was OK for him to go out- you really had no great option there.

If you said no don't go out then you are painted as the birthday snowflake you feeling guilty, him feeling resentful.

You said yes it's OK, he is off the hook, but you are having a shit evening.

You were not going to win either way after him asking you.

What a decent man would have done is decide not to go without being asked, eaten the take away with you, washed up, put the kids to bed while you relax with a glass of wine.
Once kids are settled he would have come down and spent time with you.
Even if you are not celebrating or going out a little consideration from him would have been nice.

Text round your friends and organise a birthday meal out together this coming weekend. Leave him to sort the kids and himself out food wise

Happy birthday. I would have been pissed off that he asked too.