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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dh, going out on my birthday

71 replies

ThereIsTooMuchConfusion · 24/08/2017 20:03

Dh goes out every Thursday to sport in a pub type thing. Today is my birthday. He has been at work until 6. He asked if it's still ok to go out, I said I don't mind, he left at 1930 so seen him for an hour an a half. We have no other plans for my birthday and had no plans for tonight.

After he left and I looked at all the shit that needs clearing up after dinner and general day with kids and had to bath put kids to bed. I feel a bit upset that he still went out. But then I guess I am being unreasonable because he did ask me if it was ok. But I feel like it's lame to ask him to stay home.

We have been together 17 years so I guess it's not that big a deal it's just another birthday. Kids are currently fighting up stairs about nonsense when they should be asleep and I'm irritatingly feeling sorry for myself!! Which I really fucking hate. I need mumsnetters to pull me together, please??

Going to sort kids out them back in their own rooms etc

OP posts:

Purplelipgloss · 24/08/2017 23:31

YANBU - I'd be furious. It is one day out of the whole year! Birthdays are a fab excuse to do something different, treat someone special. A day that should be filled with love, happiness and lots of cake.

It is not just the same as every other day - people need to stop being so miserable. If he was my DH, he would have gotten the biggest earful by now but just play it cool and tell him how disappointed you felt when he asked you.

Men can be such simple creatures sometimes!! Well done for keeping your cool.

scottishdiem · 24/08/2017 23:42

Depends on how birthdays viewed I suppose. I dont care about birthdays that much to be honest. Neither does my dad. A card is fine. DP however, takes the day off and likes a fuss made. I would be fine for DP to go out on my birthday. I do what DP likes on their birthday.

After 17 years he should know what you want and you should know what he wants. Dont celebrate his next time and see if he is ok with that.

ilovesooty · 25/08/2017 00:50

Is this sport thing playing pool / darts / dominoes for a pub team in a league?

Mum2OneTeen · 25/08/2017 01:02

Happy Birthday hope your day improves or that you can manage to do something special soon. All birthdays are special; it's a day to celebrate you!

LazaUbi · 25/08/2017 01:08

Men can be such simple creatures sometimes!!

Many men are thoughtful and kind. Don't excuse lazy and selfish behaviour by blaming it on someone's sex, that has nothing to do with it. Men are just as capable of being decent people as women are.

Windytwigs · 25/08/2017 01:46

A lot of them do get lazy and selfish after years together, going out to work but getting the majority of their life organised for them (cleaning, cooking, food shop, bills, general organisation, school and kid stuff etc)...I think they forget they still need to make an effort. You'll have to tell him what you expect, and hold him to it.

I think I realised that this year - no valentines card, wedding anniversary completely forgotten, asked if I minded mothers day stuff put off until he'd done his Sunday hobby, leaving all kid activity and days out planning to me, etc. After the latest one I've decided to go on strike for his birthday /father's day etc, and I'll see if he steps up for the next event or not. Like many, I'm peeved I seem to make more effort with these things, and doubly peeved I let it become the norm.

Original poster

ThereIsTooMuchConfusion · 25/08/2017 04:15

Ilovesooty yes he is in a league

OP posts:

melonscoffer · 25/08/2017 04:49

Birthday is the only day in the year that is just for you.
Just one day a year.
My husband would put on a party in our house (we had no babysitters) first a tea party for us and the kids and then he got them all to bed.
Next installment of the evening was grown up food and time devoted to me The Birthday Girl.
So please stop acting like its your fault for saying he could go and stop saying " so that's not nothing" about the food that you had to ask him about in the first place.
I am appalled at how these men forget that they have an actual wife who needs attention.
Now get on those dancing shoes and work up an appetite for your night out withe friends including dinner that you are going to have on Sat or Friday or any damn day he makes it home early.

and if you have no friends then get dressed up and go out alone claiming that you have plans. Birthday plans. Even if you sit in the car or up the supermarket/round the corner at the bus shelter.

Just go out and make him think twice about ever doing this again.
Lady, you have to learn to fight for your right to be treated like his wife.

KittyWindbag · 25/08/2017 05:07

Yeah, you said it was ok for him to go out but tbh I think he shouldn't have asked you, he should have thought 'it's my wife's birthday it would be shitty to leave her alone with nothing but clearing up to do.'

It would have been nice if he'd decided to stay in or take you out

Cailleach666 · 25/08/2017 06:31

Many men are thoughtful and kind. Don't excuse lazy and selfish behaviour by blaming it on someone's sex, that has nothing to do with it. Men are just as capable of being decent people as women are.

Totally agree

ilovesooty · 25/08/2017 13:02

I used to play seriously and competitively in two separate leagues. I'd have been annoyed with someone partnering me who didn't turn up because of their spouse's birthday, I'm afraid. A missed week can cost you and the team a trophy.
If he's similarly placed I'd have expected him to discuss it with you and perhaps make arrangements to go out with you at the weekend. It does sound as though he has acknowledged your birthday on the actual day though.

mumofone234 · 25/08/2017 13:04

I don't think you should have to ask him to stay home - he should never even have thought about going. You're totally right to feel upset.

hellokitsy · 25/08/2017 13:11

To be fair he did ask. A lot of men would sensibly think that was the right thing to do. My DH would do something like that and he's an excellent husband and Dad, despite any stranger who presumes otherwise from one isolated incident. Just quite practical and needs things to be spelt out.

Have a word to him when he is home to explain how you feel but I would not go in guns blazing.

Louiselouie0890 · 25/08/2017 13:16

It's a short move but you did say yes. My birthday few day ago and literally every family member and OH forgot. That was a shitty day lol

splatattack · 25/08/2017 13:17

It is your birthday, he should know not to go out, he shouldn't have asked and made you feel like a nag if you said no. Explain this to him and ask why he would think it is ok?

SilverySurfer · 25/08/2017 13:35

I would be asking him what he has planned for Saturday to celebrate your birthday in view of him disappearing on the actual evening.

Happy Birthday

2rebecca · 25/08/2017 14:15

We always go out or do a special meal for our birthdays. If you didn't want him to go out then you should have discussed it a couple of weeks ago when you realised which day your birthday was.
I want a nice meal, champagne and a cake with at least 1 candle I can blow out. My husband is fully aware of this though and he gets the same unless he want something different (although I'd be miffed if he chose to go out on HIS birthday without me and would tell him so )

Nikephorus · 25/08/2017 14:46

He asked, you said yes. If you hadn't mentioned at some point in the run up that you wanted to do something (even if just a night in with both of you) then he had no reason to think it would be an issue. YABU - you need to communicate your expectations and not assume that he's a mind-reader.

SouthWindsWesterly · 25/08/2017 15:24

I'm sorry - he couldn't even be arsed to help clear up after supper, just buggered off and went? That's shit.

Happy birthday OP

minionsrule · 25/08/2017 15:30

Meh i seem to be in a minority here, that wouldn't bother me really as we generally don't do anything special on mid week birthdays, we leave it till the werkend to get a nice takeaway or all go out as a family to celebrate

Original poster

ThereIsTooMuchConfusion · 25/08/2017 17:47

Thanks for all responses, it's given me good perspective .

I haven't said anything I know he is a good guy, I should've made it clearer and made plans not expected plans if that makes sense.

OP posts:

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