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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ds visit after years nc

53 replies

CheeseAndWine71 · 24/08/2017 17:07

DS is coming to visit after years abroad. We are nc and the reason for the visit is to see a family member who is very sick. She has borrowed money for the travel and I have been asked to accommodate her for the visit, about a week, as she can't afford hotel etc. Reason for nc is related to child welfare issues which still make me angry. I don't want her in my house but don't want to make situation worse for sick aunt. They have no room for her and no other family nearby. Aibu to say no? Or should I just agree and keep the peace somehow?

OP posts:

2beesornot2beesthatisthehoney · 24/08/2017 17:10

Is she going to apologise beforehand or just breeze up?

annielouise · 24/08/2017 17:10

Is this your son or your sister?

If you don't want her there then put it in an email that due to your shared history that hasn't been resolved you don't think it a good idea she lives with you for the week. If you feel up to it and want to suggest you meet for dinner on neutral territory.

Where she goes is not your problem. There are hostels for £10 or airBnB, coach surfing, old friends, etc.

DewDropsonKittens · 24/08/2017 17:14

YANBU it will be incredibly stressful and a horrible environment for anyone.

Original poster

CheeseAndWine71 · 24/08/2017 17:15

Sister not son. Sorry first post. No airbnb as we are not in U.K, and most guest houses are very expensive. she had to borrow money for the trip, and the welfare issues are around her constant financial inability to look after her children. She is broke. We haven't spoken yet- request made through sick aunt.

OP posts:

annielouise · 24/08/2017 17:17

She shouldn't have involved sick aunt if sick aunt is so sick she's getting a visit from overseas. Just say no.

FrancisCrawford · 24/08/2017 17:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

emmyrose2000 · 25/08/2017 08:15

I agree with PP to not let her stay with you. She's made her bed, now she can lie in it.

TestTubeTeen · 25/08/2017 08:21

Actually, in your shoes, I think I would do it. For the sake of the aunt (is your aunt in a terminal child duty on?).

But it is up to you, of course.

acornsandnuts · 25/08/2017 08:26

Can you compromise with allowing her to sleep at your house but ask her to make other arrangements for meals and through the day?

dustarr73 · 25/08/2017 08:27

Well you can see what type of person she I.Who involves the sick aunt to get your own way.Id say no.Can she not stay with the aunt.

stormytherabbit · 25/08/2017 08:30

Say no- sick aunt or not.

She's using the sick aunt into manipulating you for somewhere to stay. Avoid.

elQuintoConyo · 25/08/2017 08:36

Definitely say no. You'll feel better for it. Self preservation is very important here. She is obviously very manipulative and is willing to use you, you don't have to roll over and let her.

Could you send one final email along the lines of 'that doesn't work for me, here's a list of cheap accommodation options' and then block her across the board?

OliviaStabler · 25/08/2017 08:43

I'd let her stay for the sake of your Aunt but I would have a set of iron clad rules she would have to adhere to.

OliviaStabler · 25/08/2017 08:43

I'd let her stay for the sake of your Aunt but I would have a set of iron clad rules she would have to adhere to.

gingerbeerd · 25/08/2017 08:45

Might be harsh but I'd say no

stormytherabbit · 25/08/2017 08:46

'For the sake of the aunt'- if the aunt cares so much she can fund her accommodation or put her up herself. Not OPs responsibility. Don't be dragged back into your sisters shit.

swampie2 · 25/08/2017 08:50

I think in your shoes, i'd be looking at accommodation within the immediate or easily accessible area & suggesting to the sick relative, that you're willing to contribute x amount towards it. Or that you'd cover the cost of 1 or 2 nights B&B at x cost. I don't know where you are or how far your sister is travelling, but whilst I agree that you don't need to accommodate or help her, maybe showing willing towards your sick relative will make for a calm time should the worst happen with the sick relative.

Nuttynoo · 25/08/2017 08:51

Say no

EssentialHummus · 25/08/2017 08:53

Meeting her - yes, if you want to try. Putting her up - recipe for disaster. However expensive local accommodation options are, I think they may be worth it.

MondayTuesdayWednesday · 25/08/2017 08:54

Hi OP

if you're not comfortable just say no. You owe her nothing and she should have asked you herself if she wanted to stay with you.

Airbnb is in most countries at this stage - not just the uk so worth looking at.

blankface · 25/08/2017 08:58

Why does she have to visit in person?
A sick person will not want to be visited every day by the same person.

Is she wanting something the sick aunt has, inheritance maybe?

Why can't the sister stay at home and Skype the sick aunt?
Much cheaper than travel, she could borrow a phone and a relative could sit with the aunt to oversee the Skype call and make sure the sister isn't demanding money.

zzzzz · 25/08/2017 08:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anniegetyourgun · 25/08/2017 08:59

You haven't had any contact with her for years and now she's going to stay in your house for a week? Imagine the atmosphere!

I'm a little intrigued about your reasons for NC though. It sounds almost as though you are angry with her for being poor. I'm sure there's a lot more to it than that.

Nonibaloni · 25/08/2017 09:03

Is sick aunt the only family you both have left? Doesn't really matter id say no.
If it's final visit scenario (excuse my bluntness) she can visit the aunt and go and wait at the airport. Don't tie yourself in knots over this.
We were nc with my uncle (mums brother) for more than 10 years. My dad died and he asked to visit us. Fine, he was bad "just" a massive family fight. He was there at the same time as I was organising funeral cars and he somehow got counted in with family. In no uncertain terms I told him he wasn't going in the cars, he wasn't shaking hands, he wasn't carrying the coffin etc. A definite "no, absolutely not" takes the stress out.
I'm sorry for more horrid bluntness but your sister will need at least one future visit and you'll end up hosting for that too.
Be kind to yourself.

Twoo · 25/08/2017 09:05

For this to work you need to air the grievance. Ideally she would atone for her previous form.

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